Who have you told or when are you telling? - Page 5 « Back to Group Discussions

[snozzberry]

Originally Posted by kimble 

Man this is going to get very real very fast. I have really enjoyed keeping it private, but can't wait too long to tell or my belly will give it away.

I know what you mean! I've only told close friends, but next week (12 weeks) we tell DD and our parents. I have been so excited to tell them and looking very much forward to it, but now that it's less than a week away, I'm a little nervous. DD and our parents will be SUPER excited, so I'm not sure why I'm nervous. Maybe just the "realness" of it all. The fact that - though it is very much what I want - I really am on the trajectory to be pregnant til May and then nursing a baby for a couple years after that.

[Quinalla]

We did try to talk to DD last night about it, but she's not getting it yet. Maybe when I am showing more!

[let it grow]

I've told all my close friends, my sister, and my father-in-law, but not my parents yet ... I'm SO nervous about telling them because I know they're going to be upset and make a big drama of it. With my first one, my mom said things like, "How could you do this to me?!" and "I never thought it would end this way!" which clearly don't make much sense, but it was hard to deal with. And I heard from my aunt that she cried for two weeks about it. Sigh. My (younger) sister already gave me a big lecture about being irresponsible and living my life haphazardly, so that didn't make it easier. I was planning to wait until I finished grad school to have a second baby and I'm definitely worried about how I'll finish my degree, how we'll afford all the expenses in the meantime, etc. But I'm trying to be positive and major disapproval won't help. 

So I think we're going to wait to tell them for a while - I guess until I can get up the courage to do it. 

[Lynann]

We told our boys, but I don't know how much it has sunk in with them yet. Yesterday when I was getting them up DS1 pointed to my belly and said "ball" like I'd hidden his ball under my shirt. I guess its about time to go fully public, since I obviously have such a big belly that it looks like a ball.

I'm getting more reluctant to share as time goes on. This will be our 3rd baby in 3 years, and very much planned and wanted, but I know we're going to start getting the "don't you know what causes that" kind of comments, and I really don't want to deal with those.

DH and I were older when we got married, and just before we met we had both reached a place in our lives where we thought it would never happen. We had made peace with never getting married or having children. Then we met, and 2 years later got married and then a year after that we finally got to live together (thanks to the wonderful immigration system in the USA), so we were never sure if we would even be able to have children. Both of us would love a large family. I always dreamed of 8. Now that we are having children time is not on our side for as large a family as we would like, so we just let them come as they come, and feel extremely blessed for each child that we do have. Also nobody understands why we would want more than 2, except for maybe trying for a girl. We don't care about gender, we just want to have a happy home filled with children, as many as we can have before we time out.

So while I'm excited about having this baby, I am not looking forward to the reaction we'll get when we do go fully public.

[jacquelinej]

Originally Posted by Lynann 

We told our boys, but I don't know how much it has sunk in with them yet. Yesterday when I was getting them up DS1 pointed to my belly and said "ball" like I'd hidden his ball under my shirt. I guess its about time to go fully public, since I obviously have such a big belly that it looks like a ball.

I'm getting more reluctant to share as time goes on. This will be our 3rd baby in 3 years, and very much planned and wanted, but I know we're going to start getting the "don't you know what causes that" kind of comments, and I really don't want to deal with those.

DH and I were older when we got married, and just before we met we had both reached a place in our lives where we thought it would never happen. We had made peace with never getting married or having children. Then we met, and 2 years later got married and then a year after that we finally got to live together (thanks to the wonderful immigration system in the USA), so we were never sure if we would even be able to have children. Both of us would love a large family. I always dreamed of 8. Now that we are having children time is not on our side for as large a family as we would like, so we just let them come as they come, and feel extremely blessed for each child that we do have. Also nobody understands why we would want more than 2, except for maybe trying for a girl. We don't care about gender, we just want to have a happy home filled with children, as many as we can have before we time out.

So while I'm excited about having this baby, I am not looking forward to the reaction we'll get when we do go fully public.

It is hard to make others understand that just because they don't want more kids doesn't mean it applies to you.  It's hard, I know.  This is my second baby in 7 years...went through a divorce in there and meant DH, and had infertility as well as major medical issues.  We will also be more flexible on the number we want.  It's just something others will have to swallow and move on.  The best response to comments like those is no response at all.  Be brave, you have nothing to justify.

[jacquelinej]

I have just been informed that I will not get the opportunity to tell my family at Thanksgiving and I'm a little ticked about that.  My older brother ALWAYS hosts Thanksgiving dinner for the past 12 years or more, fought me for hosting Thanksgiving dinner saying I do not always live close enough to host and that we should just agree that the dinner would always be at his house.  So I did give in to that request and I host New Years dinner if I am living close enough.  Now that I'm returning from Japan for a visit at Thanksgiving and there will be more attention to me then what my brother can apparently tolerate, he has canceled dinner at his house.  We had 4 weeks notice, not that it would have mattered.  There is no other place we can host a dinner for the number of people that attend this (about 40), plus I will not have the time and energy to organize it since I will not arrive until the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.  Brother and SIL have suddenly decided they need to go to the beach on Thanksgiving weekend which is really odd since they usually go in September.  Half of me says I am being conceited thinking this is about me and my visit.  The other half knows that this is the way he operates and he has done this before.  He frequently requires several months notice for family events but often cancels events or changes the date and time just before and expects everyone to be OK with that.  He can be extremely selfish and has always been very wrapped up in self-importance.

I have not yet told him that I am pregnant (and it would probably be the nail that seals the coffin) although he probably suspects or might even already know since my parents know (and inadvertently let slip things on occasion).  My older brother tends to be excessively jealous but I really don't know why, he just is.  He has 3 kids, a beautiful house, I don't envy him his wife but that's just me.  He goes on an exotic vacation yearly (I've never gone on vacations since I couldn't afford them until I married DH and these 'vacation' are always work related).  He seems to have a nice, if stressful, life.  I have a nice, yet stressful life too.  I have never been able to get him to understand it's not all rainbows and unicorns over here, that I have way more medical issues to deal with then he would ever desire.  But his view has always been "It can't be that serious".

Half of me wants to just say screw it, I won't tell anyone.  But I know some of my family, perhaps 75% want to know and will be very happy for us.  It's been a long hard road for me through this whole route.  After losing my son and having Elizabeth right away, I had a lot of attention I did not want.  The birth was also after Hurricane Katrina hit, so of course there was also a lot of attention there.  And DD was born on New Year's Eve and the birth was announced at, guess where?  The family New Years Eve party (not hosted at brother's house).  So again, more attention I did not wish for.  Yet he seems to think I steal his thunder intentionally.  Yes, I've traveled and lived a few different places, many more then he did, but I made different choices.  SO!  He has a nice house he's lived in for 15 years, and I have yet to be in the same house for more then 3!  DIfferent choices, different benefits, different drawbacks.

I would normally not complain too much since I would get to see my family at another time or could move the trip to Christmas time.  But because DH can not go with me and DD this time, I decided Thanksgiving was a holiday I could handle being away from DH.  The tickets have been purchased since last March, so everyone knew the plan.  And I won't get the opportunity to see anyone without driving all over the state, not to mention renting a car, and trying to schedule those visits in is not even within my abilities at the moment.  Everything would be last minute planning with no guarantees.  So my choice, once again, is to give up Christmas and/or New Years and DD's b-day with DH to see my family or just forget about it.  I don't want to deal with this at all.  If I didn't need to get DD home for a visit with her father and want to visit the US again so much and see some of my friends, I would cancel the trip.  

The next opportunity I can absolutely say for sure I will have to see my family is next Thanksgiving/Christmas, well after the birth.  

[berrymama]

We are never very creative in announcing pregnancies :)

The same day we got the BFP, my Dad entered hospice for terminal cancer. I was torn whether or not to tell him. I broke down that week and told my niece (she is my age) because I was stressed about caring for my Dad and trying to take care of myself during that stressful time. I ended up telling my Dad a week later (I was just 5 weeks), but am not sure he heard me. He passed away a few hours later (so he knows now!). My Mom intuitively knew what I was telling him, and if my Mom knows, then the whole family knows (I have 8 brothers and sisters). I put a cap on her spreading the news when I got a congrats note from my sister and it was still supposed to be a secret. My Mom was under so much stress, I don't fault her for spreading a bit of good news. We will be having a birthday celebration for my Dad tomorrow (it would be his birthday on Halloween), so if I don't actively try to not talk about it, word will spread, and everyone will know by the end of the night. I am not big on formal announcements. To let the rest of the world know (coworkers, facebook) I got that Halloween shirt and will post a pic of me with my boys on Halloween. It will be nice to finally be able to talk about it at work! I am an RN in labor and delivery and sometimes, like last night, I don't get a meal or bathroom break on a busy shift. People are usually a little more accommodating if they know you are pregnant/pumping and need a break!

[Lynann]

JacquelineJ, I feel so bad for you that your brother is being such a spoiled brat about Thanksgiving. He does sound very self-centered. My brother and I have a very love/hate relationship, but when it comes to the important stuff we are always there for each other. It is so sad when an adult sibling can't just be happy for you. I do hope you still manage to have a great time while you visit home.

Would it be possible to arrange to have a dinner at a restaurant with everyone, maybe not on the actual day (although I do think some places are open, but may need to be prebooked for a large group) as then everyone could still get together in one place? It may take a little bit of co-ordinating, but maybe your mom could handle calling around to find somewhere and calling all the people who would have gone to your brother's house. It could be if you all go ahead with getting together without him he may think twice about cancelling at short notice next time. Also he'd be the one missing out if you all still get together.

I'm 12 weeks this weekend, so I was thinking about doing the FB announcement this weekend, but now that its here I don't want to, so I think we'll be waiting until I'm feeling better and safely out of the first trimester blahs.

[adventuregirl]

I haven't touched this thread since we have been waiting and waiting to tell anyone, but now I see all I was missing! We just told our immediate families last week as well as 2 friends. They were all great, which was very nice. Waiting a bit to tell all, esp DD, who I can't wait to tell, but once she knows, so will the world. I got her a necklace (she LOVES necklaces) that says "Big Sister" on it, which is how we plan to tell her, so I think she will be thrilled. Thinking we'll probably be ready for that by 13 wks, which is mid-November.

I am sorry for all of you having stress with family/friends, it just seems so unfair for others to bring up their shit when you just want to be happy about the new life you are bringing into the world. Be happy! Don't let their BS get you down! I am working on the same here, just trying to let go of the people who don't bring me happiness (and I know that is not always possible - so "let go" can have different levels of meaning), and placing more focus on those who light up my world. Family in particular really gives you lots to learn about in life, you get stuck with people who are just in a whole different dimension. I particularly hate drama, and though there are drawbacks to being far away from family, I am so thankful that my distance (and attitude) keep a lot of the family drama out of my life.

[Ghislaine]

Wow jacquelinej, your brother is something else!  In our family I'm the one who's stayed in place while my brother is the one that's overseas but I can't imagine canceling any kind of family gathering, especially one he was coming for!  Our family has always gone to efforts to hold gatherings whenever someone from far away is able to visit so that everyone is able to see them while they are here!  Despite the fatigue and other pregnancy side effects, in the last month I've hosted family from Belgian twice, including one large dinner so that my parents, and brother, who happened to be visiting from Thailand for the weekend, could get together with the Belgians!  I think it's particularly important for us to have these opportunities with the older generation that we may not have as much time to get together with!  *grins*  Do you have a Great Aunt you can make a fuss about not being able to see because he cancelled? 

I was particularly excited this weekend to let my cousin's wife know that I was pregnant again because the last time I'd seen her I'd asked her how to ask for and where to get a pregnancy test in Belgium/France because that's where we were when it was time to test for the BFP we got for my daughter 4 years ago!  I'm sure they'll happily spread the news in Belgium that another family member is on the way. 

[timesway]

I dont know what to do anymore, my ex suddenly started telling everyone on friday, and told me he needed to so thats just the way it would be now.. and then on sat i got a phone call telling me off for telling someone .. and telling me i cant post on fb or anything.. i dont know what to do anymore.. my dad knows.. i just got an email from him.. hes worried but happy... and i told my aunty so i just emailed my mum and my brother so that my close family all now know... eeek so nervous!!

[jacquelinej]

Originally Posted by Lynann 

JacquelineJ, I feel so bad for you that your brother is being such a spoiled brat about Thanksgiving. He does sound very self-centered. My brother and I have a very love/hate relationship, but when it comes to the important stuff we are always there for each other. It is so sad when an adult sibling can't just be happy for you. I do hope you still manage to have a great time while you visit home.

Would it be possible to arrange to have a dinner at a restaurant with everyone, maybe not on the actual day (although I do think some places are open, but may need to be prebooked for a large group) as then everyone could still get together in one place? It may take a little bit of co-ordinating, but maybe your mom could handle calling around to find somewhere and calling all the people who would have gone to your brother's house. It could be if you all go ahead with getting together without him he may think twice about cancelling at short notice next time. Also he'd be the one missing out if you all still get together.

I'm 12 weeks this weekend, so I was thinking about doing the FB announcement this weekend, but now that its here I don't want to, so I think we'll be waiting until I'm feeling better and safely out of the first trimester blahs.

Yes, a brat, that is exactly what he is being.  I've actually thought about doing the restaurant but after emailing around to the heads of the other families (of which, IRONICALLY, my brother has not informed any of them about the cancellation) they are now starting to pressure him!!!  Because although he doesn't feel the need to see me, they want to and his house is the standard place for Thanksgiving.  Well, let's see how he holds up to the pressure of the oldest generation!  I am gleeful but I might regret this later...he is good a guilt trips too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ghislaine 

Wow jacquelinej, your brother is something else!  In our family I'm the one who's stayed in place while my brother is the one that's overseas but I can't imagine canceling any kind of family gathering, especially one he was coming for!  Our family has always gone to efforts to hold gatherings whenever someone from far away is able to visit so that everyone is able to see them while they are here!  Despite the fatigue and other pregnancy side effects, in the last month I've hosted family from Belgian twice, including one large dinner so that my parents, and brother, who happened to be visiting from Thailand for the weekend, could get together with the Belgians!  I think it's particularly important for us to have these opportunities with the older generation that we may not have as much time to get together with!  *grins*  Do you have a Great Aunt you can make a fuss about not being able to see because he cancelled? 

This is the same exact way I feel about family gatherings.  I feel they are very important especially since we have had a number of relatives move out of state after Katrina.  I actually make a pretty big effort to be in town when others are around and that is not an easy task.  Little brother is about to move out of state and then we will all be spread over the eastern seaboard when we are back in the US.  Maybe I'll go see him for Thanksgiving next year, we get along much better.

Family drama...I move half way around the world, and it's still not far enough!  I didn't want to move at all, but I didn't have much of a choice.

LOL, well maybe it will all come together.  But I could have lived without that...and I should not have given him the satisfaction...good thing he doesn't know I got upset.

[timesway]

jaqueline-omg i could move to another universe and it still wouldnt be far enough away!!! feel your pain..  x

[jacquelinej]

Originally Posted by timesway 

jaqueline-omg i could move to another universe and it still wouldnt be far enough away!!! feel your pain..  x

Absolutely Timesway!  I am thinking the other side of the universe might be ideal even with cultural differences, although Japan is pretty close to opposites between Western culture and Asian culture.  The world is so different here.