"He showed me his penis"

[fairejour]

Alright, so my 9 year old DD has a child in her boy in her class that she hates, and then is friends with, and then he is mean to her and she cries, and then he tells her that she is cool....and on and on and on...

But anyway, last Saturday she told me that when the teacher was out of the room, this boy pulled down his pants and showed her his penis. She said that another boy tried to cover her eyes, and that she screamed. (There are only three kids in the class.) 

So, what do I do? Do I inform the school? I'm sure that no harm was meant, but I am still uncomfortable with it. Maybe I am hypersensitive because of our family history of sexual abuse? What do I do or say? (Oh, and she also reported that she got in trouble for yelling when the teacher came back in  )

[mamazee]

I had this happen when I was a kid with a few boys. As I recall, they were curious and hoped I would show what I had as well, though I never did. It really isn't a big deal and is common, but still I would call the school and let them know, as it's worth keeping track of to see if there's some kind of pattern, and also contacting the parents over and making sure he knows the rules about keeping clothes on.

[fairejour]

Ugh, the other family isn't exactly involved in the child's life. They are "non-compliant" for even the minimum that the school requires. 

I also worry that she didn't tell us right away. We had a huge long discussion that night (about a behavior issue) and I was just asking questions to find out if something bad was going on in her life (to explain some behavioral changes) and asked if anyone had ever shown her their private parts, and she said "No (rolls eyes), wait, yes!" and then told me the story. If she doesn't tell me stuff like this, what if something very bad happens and she doesn't report!

[Monkeygrrl]

I would contact the school. Regardless of when it happened, or your history, showing "private" body parts is not acceptable in an elementary school setting. 

If it were my child - 

I would have a convo with my child, stressing how important it is for them to tell me about things like this. How sometimes big people do this and it's not ok, and I need to know so they don't do it to anyone else. How no one is allowed to touch her body - unless it is the doctor or the parents. How we do these things, and have these rules, to keep her safe. And I would stress how she wouldn't get in trouble if she came to me with this type of information. Some things are just petty tattling, this is not. This is serious and needs to be said immediately.

This world we live in - it's not safe for children or adults. And we need to make sure we are arming our children with information. And making sure they know they can come to us with anything. 

[rachelsmama]

Originally Posted by fairejour 

I also worry that she didn't tell us right away. We had a huge long discussion that night (about a behavior issue) and I was just asking questions to find out if something bad was going on in her life (to explain some behavioral changes) and asked if anyone had ever shown her their private parts, and she said "No (rolls eyes), wait, yes!" and then told me the story. If she doesn't tell me stuff like this, what if something very bad happens and she doesn't report!

It sounds like she wasn't reluctant to tell you about it, she just didn't think it was all that news-worthy.  The overall relationship between the kids sounds unhealthy, and worth addressing, but if the penis incident was anything like some of the things that happened when I was a kid, it was just a dumb kid prank meant for shock value (similar to making a scary face), in which case your daughter probably just had more important (to her) things to tell you that day, and forgot to mention that incident.;

I hope you can figure out some solutions!

eta: I would definitely contact the school though, they need to know what's going on.

[kchara]

I think 9 is a bit old for playing, "Show me yours and I'll show you mine."  I would report it.  A 9 yo knows that's unacceptable. 

[NiteNicole]

Why are three kids left alone without supervision long enough for that to happen?  And it must happen pretty regularly if this boy felt confident he could do that without getting caught.

Do not hesitate, call the school.  I am NOT sure "no harm was meant" and how can you possibly know that?  It sounds pretty aggressive to me.  I put up with SO MUCH CRAP in school because "boys will be boys" and I am not having ANY of it with my daughter.  She goes to school to learn, not to be sexually harassed. 

[fairejour]

Originally Posted by kchara 

I think 9 is a bit old for playing, "Show me yours and I'll show you mine."  I would report it.  A 9 yo knows that's unacceptable. 

Originally Posted by NiteNicole 

Why are three kids left alone without supervision long enough for that to happen?  And it must happen pretty regularly if this boy felt confident he could do that without getting caught.

Do not hesitate, call the school.  I am NOT sure "no harm was meant" and how can you possibly know that?  It sounds pretty aggressive to me.  I put up with SO MUCH CRAP in school because "boys will be boys" and I am not having ANY of it with my daughter.  She goes to school to learn, not to be sexually harassed. 

The boy is younger, I think he is just turning 8. Both kids are deaf, and just immature for their ages. He is extremely impulsive and had had behavior issues in that regard, but nothing ever malicious. 

There relationship is very hot and cold. Whenever I see them together, they are excited to see each other. Even today, DD wore a "special outfit" to show him, and she said "If (he) is not at school today, I want to wear it tomorrow." And when she cries because he hurts her feelings it is things like "(He) said that I wasn't sick when I was a baby!"....yeah, so???? She is very sensitive about friendship and is a very good friend, so when he isn't, she s hurt.

[meemee]

fairejour i am a little torn on this. i just keep thinking i wish all parents revealed to their kids so they wouldnt do this.

i guess the right thing to do was let the school know. but then this boy is already in a hard place. this will put him further in the dog house. and its an innocent thing.

and what he did was a pretty common thing. it doesnt happen that often, but it does. an almost 8 year old (or maybe he was a new 8) - NOT special needs, pulled down his pants and showed his penis and mooned his whole class of 33 students (or maybe 25 students). of course he got into a lot of trouble but wasnt kicked out.

its not a big deal for the kids. esp. your dd. i would report it if it happened again, but perhaps for now i'd keep quiet.

if he is functioning at a 6 - 7 year old level then that is NORMAL - instead of the playground he chose the classroom.

[tinyblackdot]

I agree with the pp, 8 or 9 is WAY too old to be acting like this. Keep in mind that kids loose their virginity at sometimes 12.......totally not appropriate. Delayed or not.

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by tinyblackdot 

I agree with the pp, 8 or 9 is WAY too old to be acting like this. Keep in mind that kids loose their virginity at sometimes 12.......totally not appropriate. Delayed or not.

I disagree with this because some boys have hit puberty at 12, but I can't imagine many have at 8. IMO if it's prepubescent it's just curiousity, if it is postpubescent, it's probably interest.

[fairejour]

Originally Posted by tinyblackdot 

I agree with the pp, 8 or 9 is WAY too old to be acting like this. Keep in mind that kids loose their virginity at sometimes 12.......totally not appropriate. Delayed or not.

(Not our case, but for curiosities sake)

Wait, so even if he is 10, but has the cognitive and social skills of, say a 4 year old, that isn't taken into account, just his chronological age? it isn't considered developmental?

[~cassie]

My oldest is 7 and though he has never done a "show and tell"(that I know of!) it isn't out of the realm of normal for that age.  I would talk to the teacher and mention it so she can see if has happened more often with this particular child and can keep a closer eye to make sure it doesn't happen again.

[tinyblackdot]

Originally Posted by fairejour 

(Not our case, but for curiosities sake)

Wait, so even if he is 10, but has the cognitive and social skills of, say a 4 year old, that isn't taken into account, just his chronological age? it isn't considered developmental?

  There are biological drives and hormones, Just because a child is cognitivley a 4 year old does not mean that his biological drive isnt that of a pubescent male. That would be like saying that mentally delayed teens never hav sex? I can tell you that they do.

Originally Posted by mamazee 


I disagree with this because some boys have hit puberty at 12, but I can't imagine many have at 8. IMO if it's prepubescent it's just curiousity, if it is postpubescent, it's probably interest.

  Are you saying that a human has no sexual feelings or pleasure until they reach puberty?

[tinyblackdot]

Also for the record, I'm not saying that this kiddo was being deviant or perverted BUT on the slight chance that he was a teacher needs to be made aware of the situation and the act so that they can take precautions, like leaving them alone, or if they have noticed something that they can follow up with it and make sure that this little boy is not being taught this behavior by an adult and actually a victim.

[mamazee]

I am saying that sexual feelings are immature and likely to be more about curiosity than mature sex. But I do agree that the school needs to know. I think we have consensus there.

[rubidoux]

I am not sure I'm part of the consensus.  If I trusted that the school would handle things in an appropriate manner, I'd definitely tell them.  Or if I was even in the tiniest way concerned that my daughter was in any sort of jeopardy or if she felt uneasy about it, even in the slightest, I'd tell the school.  But I feel like our current cultural climate is so over the top about this stuff.  I wouldn't be surprised to have him labeled a sex offender or something, yk?  Or to be kicked out or for this to turn out pretty bad for him otherwise.

I have an almost nine year old and I cannot imagine him doing something like that.  He's fairly controlled and would not want to be exposed that way.  But I could see some of his friends doing something along those lines a couple of years ago.  If this boy is 8 years old and little young developmentally, I can't see getting all up in arms about it (as long as there is nothing threatening towards your dd).  

[mamazee]

That's a very good point too, rubidoux.

[NiteNicole]

I am far less worried about the intent of the boy than of the perception by the girl.  What he intended has nothing to do with how she experienced it.  Having one boy expose himself to her while another held his hand over her mouth and she screamed probably felt pretty cruddy.
 

[rubidoux]

Originally Posted by NiteNicole 

I am far less worried about the intent of the boy than of the perception by the girl.  What he intended has nothing to do with how she experienced it.  Having one boy expose himself to her while another held his hand over her mouth and she screamed probably felt pretty cruddy.
 

The way you put it here does sound awful and I think if that's how it happened, I'd be more inclined to tell the school.  But when I read it, I understood as meaning that the second boy was trying to protect her from the flasher-boy.  She said he put his hands over her eyes, not over her mouth.  Also, the way OP said it, it sounded like the two boys weren't in cahoots.  If they were acting together (ie, "hey johnny, you go cover her mouth so she can't scream and I'm gonna take out my penis!"), that would feel different to me, more aggressive and thought out, I guess.

It really sucks that this boys parents aren't more with it.  If you trusted them to handle it well, or even to handle it, that would save you having to tell anyone official.  

I wonder about maybe telling someone at the school that a boy exposed himself, but not who it was.  They should be watching the kids a little better.