Need Nursing in Public Support :(

[ZoeStarshine]

DD is 3 weeks old and the entire 3 weeks, it seems, have been spent visiting relatives (his mother, my mother, my dad, my grandparents, his, etc.) that all live within a 45 min drive. My problem is with the exception of my MIL, everyone shuffles me into a back room when I need to nurse and I can hear everyone talking and having a good time but I'm alone with DD for up to an hour at a time. I nursed so long someone ate my dinner at my mom's barbeque. When I object, my mother or another well-meaning relative will try to cover my precious baby with a blanket.  She HATES being covered up, but it's summer in Texas, why wouldn't she hate it? When I try to say this in a non-aggressive way, the person, usually female, will point out a male in the house and explain oh, but it'll make him so uncomfortable, you know how that goes. It doesn't help that I don't know how much visibility is socially acceptable - I have always had large, heavy breasts, she's tiny and I haven't gotten the hang of the snaps on the couple of nursing items I have to constantly rewear.

Any advice?

[JudiAU]

I think it takes most people awhile to nurse easily in public. In the early days I actually prefer to nurse in private because the babe and I are still getting into a routine, it can be a bit messy, no cover is going to work, and I need to see everything really well. After a bit I can manage with a cover like bebe au lait. (plenty of air flow, can see baby well and baby can see me), and then I can graduate to shirt pulled down to nips and head covering the rest. But even with a lot of experience I couldn't manage that at three weeks. As soon as I get it worked out I abandon a cover of any type. A well designed nursing cover actually works totally differently and better than a blanket.

1) you'll get more comfortable and confident with time, 2) you'll probably figure out a reasonably modest approach over time, if you prefer to nurse that way, so view this as a termporary situation 3) your family will adjust, or 4) you'll decide you to don't care about who/when/where and let it all hang out and let people deal. Maybe all.

[blessedwithboys]

Originally Posted by JudiAU 

1) you'll get more comfortable and confident with time, 2) you'll probably figure out a reasonably modest approach over time, if you prefer to nurse that way, so view this as a termporary situation 3) your family will adjust, or 4) you'll decide you to don't care about who/when/where and let it all hang out and let people deal. Maybe all.

Yes!  And tell your family that if they don't welcome your daughter at the family table along with everyone else, you won't be coming at all.  :)

[skycheattraffic]

Not sure if I can offer much advice, but I want to offer you my support. My strategy after the first few awkward weeks was to not give any warning, just whip it out and start nursing. If a well meaning relative offered a back room I said "thank you but we're very comfortable here". Anyone who offered a blanket got a "no thank you, it makes her upset" and if anyone tried to cover her it was a "please don't disturb her right now" and if anyone got past my block, I'd just whip the thing off. My brother tried it once and I threw the blanket over HIS face... unfortunately you can't do that with everyone lol. If someone said "but so and so will be so uncomfortable" I'd ask "really? What did he say?". Most of the time the men actually wouldn't really care much or just not look in your direction but women use them all the time as scapegoats or excuses. In a pinch I might even say "he's all the way over there; he won't even notice". After a few weeks I just got really unapologetic and confident about it. I figure if SIL isn't shuffled off to give a bottle, I shouldn't be either. Nursing shouldn't equal solitary confinement. Your best bet is to not give them a chance to say no or to object to your location. Just whip it out and feed your child. FWIW I also have large, heavy breasts and completely lost any sense of modesty about them. They are a means to nurture my child and anyone that has issues with NIP isn't my problem. They don't have to look, just like they don't have to stare at my DD's genitals when I change her diaper. My DD is 17 months old and the longer I nurse, the more I delight in doing so in public. I hope you find some encouragement in my reply. I was hoping to sound empowering, not snarky :-). Good luck, mama. I'm behind you all the way

[artekah]

Originally Posted by skycheattraffic 

Not sure if I can offer much advice, but I want to offer you my support. My strategy after the first few awkward weeks was to not give any warning, just whip it out and start nursing. If a well meaning relative offered a back room I said "thank you but we're very comfortable here". Anyone who offered a blanket got a "no thank you, it makes her upset" and if anyone tried to cover her it was a "please don't disturb her right now" and if anyone got past my block, I'd just whip the thing off. My brother tried it once and I threw the blanket over HIS face... unfortunately you can't do that with everyone lol. If someone said "but so and so will be so uncomfortable" I'd ask "really? What did he say?". Most of the time the men actually wouldn't really care much or just not look in your direction but women use them all the time as scapegoats or excuses. In a pinch I might even say "he's all the way over there; he won't even notice". After a few weeks I just got really unapologetic and confident about it. I figure if SIL isn't shuffled off to give a bottle, I shouldn't be either. Nursing shouldn't equal solitary confinement. Your best bet is to not give them a chance to say no or to object to your location. Just whip it out and feed your child. FWIW I also have large, heavy breasts and completely lost any sense of modesty about them. They are a means to nurture my child and anyone that has issues with NIP isn't my problem. They don't have to look, just like they don't have to stare at my DD's genitals when I change her diaper. My DD is 17 months old and the longer I nurse, the more I delight in doing so in public. I hope you find some encouragement in my reply. I was hoping to sound empowering, not snarky :-). Good luck, mama. I'm behind you all the way

I remember those first weeks with my first--it is rough! And very temporary. I remember feeling uncomfortable nursing in front of my FIL & SMIL and hiding away in their bedroom when we visited them, and feeling like I was missing out on the fun. :( Luckily nobody was trying to force me to go hide! Their behavior is inappropriate and unsupportive, whether they see it that way or not.

They shouldn't be saying anything to you at all! If they are afraid some of the men would be uncomfortable, they should go say something to them, not you--like, "just a heads up, there's a nursing baby in here." --IF they must say something. But really, all they should say to you is, "Can I get you another pillow, or a glass of water?"

I agree with the advice above--with practice you'll get more skilled at nursing modestly, or modesty will stop being important to you, or somewhere in between.

Don't let anyone make you move, if you don't want to move! If need be, just tell them straight out, "No thanks, I'm more comfortable here, I'm not moving." Hopefully they will get a clue and chill out sooner than later. If not, I agree with the PP who said just don't go to their house, and make sure they know why.

[KristyDi]

Originally Posted by JudiAU 

1) you'll get more comfortable and confident with time, 2) you'll probably figure out a reasonably modest approach over time, if you prefer to nurse that way, so view this as a termporary situation 3) your family will adjust, or 4) you'll decide you to don't care about who/when/where and let it all hang out and let people deal. Maybe all.

Yup

We havea lot in common OP.  My DD is3weeks old and I also have large heavy breasts (the H cup nursing bras I got in the mail today are too small)   I nursed my older DD all over the place in public with no cover, including around family, but I'm not comfortble NIPing with the baby yet.  I have a couple f times, but so far I've used the corner of my wrap as a small cover.  I usually just cover m breast, not the baby's face with the wrap.  Once DD gets a bit bigger with better head control I'll have to do less positioning and holding of my breast and NIPing will be much easier.

[EmilyRuth]

I am right there with you on a lot of this!  My mom is more uncomfortable with me nursing in public than anyone else.  I will say that at 2 months, we have really gotten the hang of it. The toughest part for me was the clothing that I was wearing.  Nursing tops were a pain, especially if she was getting frustrated.  Then by the time I got them situated, she was so upset that she took forever to latch.  By the end the whole world had seen my breast.  I have started wearing camisole tank-tops underneath everything, it's perfect for me.  I can wear regular t-shirts or whatever on top- just pull that shirt up and tug the tank top down under my breast.  Then between baby's head and arranging my top shirt around it, you can barely tell I'm nursing.  Maybe this will help? 

If not, I agree with the other posters- the more comfortable you seem, the more people seem to just roll with it.  And the ones who are still uncomfortable- they'll learn to deal with it.  Good luck! 

[chel]

I also had my mom as my biggest opponent.
I see my parents so infrequently that I was able to do want I wanted and just ignored my mom holding up a blanket around me. I'm sure that made others look at me more than just bf would have.

A great nursing option I found was "undercover mama". Very easy to DIY. And great for those that have a hard time with sizing. Basically you wear your nursing bra and then put a spaghetti strap tank on top. You cut the tank straps to form a loop that goes around your nursing bra.

For me it was a godsend to hind my back.

[imagine21]

Originally Posted by blessedwithboys 

Yes!  And tell your family that if they don't welcome your daughter at the family table along with everyone else, you won't be coming at all.  :)

this!!

[The4OfUs]

In the early weeks when i was out in public, or say around my dad of FIL or uncle,  I used a flat cloth diaper to just cover the exposed parts while I got babe latched on, then I hung it on my shoulder to have ready to catch any spit up or wipe any dribbles after they were done. Smaller and lighter than a blanket, but offering just enough barrier for me when *I* felt awkward in the company I was in.  

[mariee]

Sorry that you are encountering this with your family.  Sigh.  I sounds like they kind of intend to be helpful in their own way, but are really making you do far more work than needed.

In your shoes, here's what I think I'd do....

First, enlist the help of your SO.  When you know you need to nurse, you might go over to him and say, "Hey sit with me for a while." or something similarly innocent.  Or have a little look or something that gets him to come over to you. That way anyone who overhears you doesn't immediately know you are going to nurse.  Also clues him in to the fact that you need some back up.  

Have him sit right next to you.  If you are outside or in lawn chairs or something, he could even position himself so that he is between you and other people, kind of acting like a physical barrier from "intruders", you know?

Second, don't ever announce that you are about to nurse.  Its like asking for permission, which you don't need.  Just go about your regular business, continue talking in your conversation, etc. and go right ahead and nurse.

I know it takes a while to get the mechanics down with the first baby, but it gets far, far easier.  And I've always found that stretchy tanks, bras, and shirts are way more convenient than anything that clips or snaps.  Personally, I felt a lot more comfortable when I could pull my shirt up rather than pull my bra and shirt down, you know?  So maybe look into some stretchy tanks that will help you do that?  

good luck.  and stick to your guns now.  this is a great time to set expectations.  

[Beansmommy 87]

This is so twisted! I live in Texas too hun. Amarillo. I understand what you're saying. How sad is it that we live in a country that's all about freedom. And yet a woman doesnt feel free to breastfeed in public...let alone famielies homes! How twisted is that. I have a 5 year old and a 5 month old. I breastfed the eldest and am still breastfeeding to youngest. Honey you feel free to feed your baby how you want when you want. If your family doesnt like it then its going to be hard for them to visit with your baby especially if you feed on demand. Women are afraid to feed in public because its taboo...but the reality is...if more women fed in public the more exposure the less taboo it would become. My rule was always in my own house I feed my baby as I like. If it embarrases you then dont come over. I know it sounds harsh but im not going to risk their feelings prohibiting my bonding and routine with my child. You can do it girl!

[APToddlerMama]

I have always tried to position myself in the room so that even without covering up, my boobs aren't super easy to see. Then if I'm with someone I think might feel uncomfortable catching a glimpse as baby latches on, I usually say "you might want to turn your head for a second while I latch him on!" I think the more you do it, the more comfortable everyone becomes with it. You can't totally fault people for being uncomfortable with it because society here seems to see breasts only in a sexual light. It's a good way to educate others though and you have every right to feed your baby wherever you want.

[MichelleZB]

Play on their guilt! Make sure you say, "Oh please don't leave! You're making this poor new mama feel so lonely!" Make sure your partner is in on it, too (where was he when someone ate your barbecue food, or when everyone was partying in another room?). Make sure he says, "Oh, do let's go visit Zoe! She gets so bored and lonely during those long nursing sessions!"

Then you can have some stock responses for various situations.

Them: *putting a blanket on your kid*

You: "Oh, please don't do that. The baby doesn't really like it."

Them: "But you're making thisrandomguy so uncomfortable!"

You: "Oh, surely they'll get over it for my sake. I'm just dying to hear about your recent trip to Portugal!"

[buttahflyMama]

When I first started nursing I hated doing it in public. But as time went on, the less I cared. My daughter didn't like the nursing cover!

[ElizaBeth Poet]

You are doing the right thing by nusing and nourishing your child.  You should not be made to move to a private room unless it is what you desire.  I am also a large breasted woman and have felt unsure nursing in public, but reading "From bashful to Brazen, a nursing mother's manifesto" It is a blog on here, check it out. was immensely comforting.  You should not be made to feel ashamed of feeding your baby.  With confidance in your self, people will become accustomed to seeing the two of you feeding. 

[eirual]

FTR, you have the law working for you too: http://breastfeedinglaws.uslegal.com/state-laws/texas-breast-feeding-laws/

[kokokrog]

I will nurse anywhere, anytime, without a blanket or nursing cover.  I don't care what anyone else thinks--I almost enjoy making people uncomfortable, lol!  I just don't get why nursing in public is considered shameful and "immodest" and heaven forbid "making men uncomfortable," when you are doing something to feed your baby, and a teengaer walking around in skimpy bikini is considered normal and ok and even fun for men to look at!  Its totally not right in my opinion.  My babies haven't liked to be covered either, cause they can't see me as well, and I don't like lugging around a cover or blanket in the summer.  In fact, I don't even own a real nursing cover.  So I just nurse without one--at restaurants, at parks, even while walking while hiking, etc.  I don't make a big show of it and people can look away if they don't like it.  I think being forced to move to another room is rediculous.

[Amandapzm]

After a week in the hospital with people coming around day and night, I lost a lot of modesty. And it's definitely a lt easier now that my baby is 10 weeks and has better head control.

I was concerned about my husband early on, because when I was pregnant I asked him his opinion of NIP and it made him uncomfortable. Not being around other moms, NIP, but the idea of me NIP around other men. He hadn't said anything one way or another until a few nights ago at a friend's house (with friend's husband and BIL present). Hubby was holding baby, who was getting fussy and squirmy, and finally hubby said, "Can you please feed him?" and was visibly relieved when I gave baby the boob. Issue resolved.

Good luck, it gets easier. And this is coming from a very modest woman.

[Jennifer Z]

You should get a shirt or blanket with the state law on it to help fend off the people who aren't supporting you.  http://www.cafepress.com/articulatepixelsdesign/9452250

I know I got hassled a lot, but it was still worth it.