Emotional Crises - normal part of late pregnancy? « Back to Group Discussions

[SunnyPerch]

I have been inching toward the edge of an emotional crisis lately. Crying to sleep nightly this week. Not sure if it's just hormones, birth anxiety, or what. I attribute at least some to relationship issues. My hubby, a great father and husband, has been so emotionally distant, unaffectionate, and in general (I feel) completely unappreciative of me. I work my behind off at home, I stay up late stocking the freezer, do most household tasks, cook, clean, take care of DS. We haven't been on a date in months, and a recent suggestion was just...ignored. There is hardly any physical affection. I am developing a good amount of anxiety about the upcoming birth. I don't know to what extent he's going to be there for me during this labor, which will be my first real labor (a VBAC). I feel like I could go at any time...my son was a month early, and I'm constantly having BH. I just don't know what to do. I was going to attend a 1-hr support group this evening and he made a comment about how I can't expect to sleep during the day and then go out at night. (I was desperately exhausted this afternoon and he watched DS so I could take a 40 min nap. FTR I was also up this morning from 5-7am with DS). So then I felt like my crisis was opening up, I couldn't stop crying, and ended up skipping the meeting which didn't do anything for my mental state. I hate bitching about my husband. I don't do it with people in IRL because I know how that forever affects their image of this person and your relationship, while in general things are eventually patched up and you just want to move on.I think I went through phases of feeling like I wanted to strangle him during my first pregnancy also. Someone please give me some advice...

[sillymom44]

DH and I are definitly not at our best either.  We have a great relationship usually... We both feel emotionally distant-- I think mainly b/c sex is mostly out of the picture at this point.  We can't find a position that works and we're both working long hours right now....and we're just too tired.  B/c of that...we're prone to fight more and so we have been fightint more.  We have been in some HUGE fights lately, which is not normal for us...  We've worked through them-- and we're both working such long hours now that we hardly see eachother enough to fight.  I guess that's a good thing HA

Sooo...I don't know if I have advice, I just want you to know that you're not alone.

Communication is usually the only thing that works....and empathy or trying to understand where he is coming from...  That is the only thing that has helped us.  We both recognized that we are not at our best right now and that we need to work hard.  We both made personal committments on things we know will improve our relationship and we're both doing them (for the most part).

Keep up the dialogue there though-- it will help!!

[Vegan Princess]

Have you mentioned to your DH that you feel scared and need support? Sometimes men just do not seem to get it, even though it's SO obvious. Beyond that, can you talk to your midwife or OB about your fears? Have you thought about getting a doula? I know it's kinda late for that but then you will at least know you will have support during labor. Maybe you could find a student doula for free/low cost.

I felt pretty unappreciated and distant for a while. Especially since my DH has this huge hang up about having sex with a baby in my belly now that he has a daughter and knows more about who is in there. So we haven't had much sex. DH has been working a lot too. Though lately I feel like he is more supportive and into me than he was before - like the belly has worked it's magic on him. I think he is more wlling to have sex now than he was, oddly enough, but I am not so into it and it's totally akward right now anyway. One thing he did mention is that I don't get nearly as many foot rubs, etc this preg than last time bc now he is busier helping with DD whereas last time it was just us.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. You're almost done!! Emotions are raw right now. It's a really tender time in so many ways. I hope you can talk to your DH and feel a little better. If not, we are def here for you to vent!

Cindy

[SunnyPerch]

Thanks so much, ladies. I appreciate your virtual support. :) Yesterday almost broke me and somehow today I feel a bit cleansed, better.  Sillymom, that is exactly I think what is happening with us. No sex for months now but there is no clear blame - neither of us is initiating anything. Tired? Busy? Yes and yes. It's just a downward cycle - I'd probably put a little effort into our love life if I got some kind words, a rub, signs of affection, hell--a freaking kiss, etc. once in a blue moon. He'd probably be more affectionate if the sex was reinstated. I don't know. We recently moved and are now trying to sell our home and a rental property as well, so there is some stress (financial and otherwise) going on. Cindy, actually I do have a doula, thank goodness. It's just that I haven't know her all that long and I don't open up to people that easily. I count on my husband (or, WANT to) to be my primary emotional support. I simply can't imagine going into something as intense and life changing as labor and birth with us as distant as we have been lately.
 

[zubeldia]

Oh, sunnyperch, lots of hugs coming your way. It sounds as though it's an incredibly stressful time with external stressers bearing down on our family, too. Not much advice, either, only that I suspect that it is very normal feel so in crisis, especially since we are so close to birthing and meeting these new people. It's a lot of adjustment. And so much anticipatory anxiety thrown in, too.

I hope that talking with your DH helps. The more time we're apart, the worse we get along. It's difficult for us with me on bed rest and my husband not someone who deals with stress very well, and we've definitely had our moments. But talking and sharing our fears has really helped at times.

Thinking of you.
 

[DelawareMom]

SunnyPerch,

I hope things are getting a little better. This situation is all too familiar for us right now, too. Some days are certainly better than others, but there are definitely times when I'm feeling completely overwhelmed and under-supported.

I'm way closer to tears than I am normally and I feel like it invalidates anything I have to say and I just look like a big hormonal, emotional mess. My midwife made me laugh at our last appointment when she (unprompted by me) began talking about the surge of estrogen at about 35 weeks that is responsible for the compulsive list-making and nesting. Aaaand- irritability with my husband. Ugh. It helped me a little to know it was pretty normal.

I hope you guys can find a way to connect. Thinking of you.

Leigh Ann

[SunnyPerch]

Oh Zubeldia, that must be awful being on bed rest!! Who am I to be complaining. I have relatively 'easy' pregnancies, physically speaking. Sending good thoughts your way. Oh, and "in-crisis" was an apt way to describe the feeling. The anticipatory anxiety of all the unknowns that will be arriving very soon are overwhelming. We had a very positive meeting with our doula last night and have had some re-connection, so things are getting better. I do have a bit of birth fear, but I am trying to trust more in myself and in my baby.

Leigh Ann, that bit about an estrogen surge at 35 weeks does help me feel better! I had not heard about that before. I have completed most major nesting projects so I am feeling more settled in that respect, but have then been turning more inward and thinking about the birth itself, and looking at our relationship more closely, and that is what brought me to crisis. Because I've just finished reading Spiritual Midwifery, which was fantastic. It made me come to realize just how huge of a role my partner (and our relationship) will play in my ability to birth easily and safely. I think that book's impact is really what touched this off. It was a topic I'd been avoiding in my head...

[gozal]

SunnyPerch, I don't think it's you, FWIW. And I do understand what you're saying about keeping these things private. Someone can be an amazing, wonderful soul and still behave badly at times - we're human after all. But it can color people's perceptions for a long time when you confide in them about it. That being said, I think your DH's behavior is all-around inappropriate for the partner of a woman at the end of her pregnancy. And while not (being able to) have sex can certainly effect a relationship, it is no kind of excuse. I know it's hard, but I think you actually need to have a fairly stern discussion. Going to a support group meeting is NOT "going out at night." It is a mental health appointment. A woman in the third trimester who works all day and is on call all night caring for a young child and the home cannot possibly be "sleeping all day." It is a physical health need. You are not, at least in my opinion, feeling anything irrational - it's completely rational in this situation! I usually do the things you are describing at home, but honestly, at this point in a twin pregnancy, I can't. I am seriously impressed by you and your DH should be too. Also, would you consider hiring a doula? This might help you feel less anxiety about the birth and take some pressure off your relationship with DH. Sending good wishes your way.

[ladyleah]

Nothing helpful to add....just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts Sunnyperch. Xoxoxo