Stepmother demands to be called Grandma - Page 2

[Allie74]

  I know my relationship with her is mine, and not my daughter's. It isn't even about her not having been a mother figure to me. But I don't want her being a big influence in my daughter's life. She is such a toxic, negative and narcissistic person that no matter how she was related to me I'd want to keep her away from DD. She is not someone I will allow to see my daughter more than those 2 times a year. She is not somone I will allow to babysit or ever be alone with my daughter. My hope is that by only seeing her 2 times a year that she is unable to establish a close relationship with my daughter and my daughter learns to say her first name by hearing me say it. I don't say that out of spite, but I want my daughter to be surronded by postive people, which she is not. Even my dad admits what a negative Debbie Downer she is. He just tunes her out. That may work for him, but my choice is to avoid people like that and not be around them, even if they are family.

[pek64]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo 

Well tell her your DD will be calling her Grandma firstname, on the rare occasions she will get to spend any time with her.  Tell her that she doesn't get to dictate what she "earned" with you, YOU do.  Tell her you won't compromise and if she complains and calls you uncompromising or stubborn you tell her "oh well, maybe you DID raise me after all!".

Love this! (Be sure to walk away quickly.)

[faithsstuff]

I wish I could give you a hug.  This is just, well, it's a pain and I'm sorry you're having to navigate this.  Happy pre-holidays, right?  I did just want to say that everything you're saying makes sense, and I just, I hate it for you.

[Amanda1]

I dont have anything more helpful than everyone else...I say just put your foot down and dont call her grandma...you dd will follow your lead.

This is our situation: DS has an absurd amount of grandparents...my mom has been married 3 times and my dad is also remarried (once). DH's parents are still together. He also has 2 sets of great grandparents.

So he has

Grandma and Papa ( my mom and her husband)

Grandpa X - my moms ex, i consider him my step dad, we're very close...DS often just calls him his first name cause thats what I call him

Grandpa and Grandma X- my dad and step mom

Nana and Grandad- DH's parents

Grandpa X and X- my grandpa and his wife... (I've never called her grandma or anything but her name, I'd say she and my mom have a similar relationship to you're "stepmom")

And my moms new husbands parents...not sure what they will be called...they call DS their Great grandson, but he just calls them by their names.... I dunno????

Anyways, it all seems very confusing to me but DS has it worked out no problem, if I say grandma he knows I mean my mom, but if I say grandpa and grandma he knows that's my step mom, If I am just talking about her I will say grandma X.

My point being they are well able to work out the different names.... but I don't think I would budge in your situation anyways.

I will also add that I do am not a huge fan of my moms new husband, we are not close, not much I like about him..... except for the fact that he LOVES ds and ds loves him, they have a amazing relationship. I am glad my feelings have not got in between their relationship.....

[mamalisa]

Just call her what you want.  You're the one that spends all the time with your child, refer to her as Grandma Picky Pants, it doesn't matter.  Your child will follow your lead and what's she going to do, yell at your kid?  If it comes to that it's kind of a perfect end game because you can seriously drop the hammer on her then.

[Smithie]

 She is not someone I will allow to see my daughter more than those 2 times a year. She is not somone I will allow to babysit or ever be alone with my daughter. My hope is that by only seeing her 2 times a year that she is unable to establish a close relationship with my daughter and my daughter learns to say her first name by hearing me say it.

Then really, you are going to end up with the right outcome no matter what you else you do or don't do. Even if your DD decides to call her "Grandma" in social situations, they will not have a grandparent-grandchild relationship the way she's going to have with your mom. 

My kids have two grandmas and two great-grandmas, and it's really not confusing that they all have the same. When they're with one of them, they say "Grandma" and when they somewhere else and referring to said Grandma, they append her first name for clarity. So it's important to recognize that this is YOUR issue - your DD is not going to be confused or conflicted by any of the probable outcomes. This issue won't resonate with her the way it does with you. It's still OK to set your boundaries, but don't put pressure on yourself to "fix" the situation for your daughter. If you put your foot down on this, you're doing it for your mother and yourself. Your daughter is going to be just fine either way. 

[sarafi]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Allie74 

   My hope is that by only seeing her 2 times a year that she is unable to establish a close relationship with my daughter and my daughter learns to say her first name by hearing me say it. 

All you have said is valid, and good for you for taking a stand for something you believe in firmly! The above WILL happen, I know from experience. 

We live far away from all family, but MIL visits a few times per year and we typically visit my parents for a month or so each year. All those people are Grandpa/Grandma first-name. FIL doesn't visit often and is a bit "difficult" to deal with. No matter how much I prompt my kids to call him Grandpa first name, not a one will voluntarily do it. They just use his first name, and he seems fine with it. They all act surprised each time that he is their Grandpa. Kids figure this stuff out very quickly, in my experience.

Even if the few times she has to visit makes an impact and your kiddo starts to call her Grandma, she'll probably have cute nick-names ready for the "real" Grandparents and you will be able to take comfort in that.

[Allie74]

It is a little wierd living so close to my dad and his wife, yet only seeing her a few times a year. We could very well bump into her at a grocery store or somewhere. But even with the close distance there are some relatives that are so toxic and have done things in the past that are so cruel that you just can't allow them into your daily life and SM is one of those people that I have to put up a lot of boundaries with. Its difficult cause as a kid I was so scared of her, and was a complete doormat allowing her to walk all over me, treat me horribly and now as an adult I've started a bit standing up for myself which i'm sure is a shock to her. People fear her(even relatives in her family and my dad's) and never stand up to her and she has a hard time not being in complete control and being able to boss everyone around. My dad fears her and just goes along with whatever she says. 

SM is always talking about how important family is but she never seeks anyone out on her own. She talks about how important my dad's family is but she has never sought them out on her own either. She just talks about how importat family is but never does anything about it.  She's never wanted to do anything one on one with me. We see eachother when i see my dad and he's the only thing that connects us. So if she didn't make the effort, why should I. Having a baby will not make me involve her more since she's never been that involved in my life before. I think she might think my baby will change things. She is desperate for grandkids and cries about it all the time trying to gain sympathy which makes me want to distance myself even more. I remember last Christmas she was in tears about her daughter not having a baby yet. It was quite uncomfortable for me. And the only times she's actually asked me over herself is when HER family was in town. I know she just wanted to put on a "grandma show" for her relatives cause i know SM is jealous that all her siblings are grandparents and she isn't. I really have never met someone so insecure, jealous, toxic, negative, and narcissistic in my life. And those are all qualities that are just a disaster if you become a stepmother.