My father has cancer and I just feel a little angry, not really sad. I mean, I was a little angry before the cancer and I think I kind of "wrote him off" a long time ago. It feels odd. Am I being too cold and unfeeling? Is it ok to feel this way? I keep wondering if I am just trying to hide real emotions but I can't find much sadness in me. I feel sad for the rest of my family that has to cope. I don't want my dad to suffer. I feel bad for my mom but think she will be better off. That sounds horrible doesn't it! It's not like he was a horrible father or anything.
He's a redhead who often worked outside and never wore sunscreen. A few years ago he got melanoma. Not really surprising. He doesn't exercise, he doesn't eat well, he has no spirituality, he works, stares at the TV and buys things the TV tells him will make him happy whether he has the money or not.
He was an alcoholic and almost died in his 40's, I've been expecting this for 20 years. He smokes 2 packs a day. So the Melanoma has now come back in his lungs. Not a shocker. He stopped drinking many years ago and began abusing pharmaceuticals. He almost died last year from an overdose, although my mom & I are the only ones who know that. It was a mystery to everyone else. I thought he was going to die and I haven't really wanted to see him since. Does that make me a horrible person? Is this really how I feel? Is it ok?
The anger mostly started when my mom began to confide in me. He would steal her pain meds, the ones she needs. I caught him more then once. I mean, the Dr.'s gave him his own too. It pisses me off. He was never a hard worker. He always looked for some easy way out. In the last several years he has been cruel to my mom, trying to belittle her and push her down.
The thing is, I don't feel like I should judge him. This was his life, I want to see him compassionately but it is hard. I need to let the anger go. I guess that will happen with time?
Is something wrong with me for feeling this way?