just another vent from the brink on insanity

[tanyato]

i'm not even asking for advice. just need a place to vent before i jump out a window.

it's 5am. i slept from 11:50pm to 1:45am. Last night was about the same. my 9 month old LO will not sleep next to me and won't sleep away from me. putting him to sleep is ok. and my husband (bless him) has taken over the evening re-settling (baby wakes up several times after we put him to sleep...and then pretty much keeps at it all night long). anyways, i'm not even making sense i'm so tired. i just feel like i'm going to hurt myself. we've got a crib, a matress on the floor next to our bed, a matress on the floor in the spare room and our own bed on the floor. that FOUR seperate sleeping locations we use dpending on what works for baby the best at the moment. we bounce him to sleep on a yoga ball. i nurse him allllllllll night long if that keeps him asleep (it sometimes works, and sometimes it causes him to wake up and want to play or just be totally restless - patting my face, pulling my nipples, kicking my stomach). we've even (gasp) tried setting him in the his crib and patting his back and singing to him while he cried himself to sleep. it's awful but sometimes i am so tired i literally do not have the strength to pick him up and hold him. 

our neighbours probably think we;re hurting our child. honestly, lately i have to call my husband in to take over because i have almost gotten to the point where i do feel like hurting him. not literally, but...YKWIM? like i don't even feel loving, caring, sympathetic feelings for my child. i just feel anger and resentment. hows this for crazy: i just took a walk around my neighborhood at 4am whilst muttering curse words out loud to myself.  ( i NEVER swear in real life. like, NEVER). i'm at the point where the main reason i won't do CIO isn't because i feel like it's "wrong" but more because i wouldn't be able to sleep through him crying so what's the point anyways? 

and the cherry on top is that i am so overtired i can't actually sleep once the baby is sleeping. i'm constantly buzzed...it's takes me a long time to fall asleep and by the time i do, it's time for another round of settle the baby. sometimes in the middle of the night i just give up and i take him into the living room and lie on the couch while he plays until he gets cranky and then put him back to bed. 

his naps at s*** but that's a whole other story. 

[skycheattraffic]

Ok first off BIG HUGS to you mama! Sleep deprivation is torture and the 9-10 month age was the WORST for us. Come 2 am it was party time. Every. Single. Night. I don't think it got as bad here but I sooooo know the feeling of being too tired/keyed up to sleep and resenting my baby :-(. The only thing that saved my sanity was rolling with it. We had the nursery set up and baby proofed so when she wouldn't settle back to sleep with nursing, singing, rocking, etc I stopped fighting it. If she was wide awake then I'd put her on the floor with some toys and curl up on the floor. If she was pulling my hair, I made it inaccessible. If she started touching my face, I'd turn around so she couldn't reach. Generally she lost interest in me quickly and played in the dark (with nightlight on) and I could finally relax because we weren't fighting and she was safe. Usually I couldn't really sleep but I always at least got to let go of some frustration because it seemed like she needed to play a bit to tire out. Generally after an jour or three she would crawl over to me and start fussing. Nursing her then meant she settled nicely and fell asleep fairly well and I could get some rest. That age was tough; the worst for sleep. She actually dropped all naps until I got blackout drapes in the nursery and started a naptime routine (same as bedtime minus the bath). I also had to provide white noise (a fan) to KEEP her asleep. The next tough age was 12 to 13 months but that was due to teething plus learning to walk and messed her up during the day; not so much at night.

I know you came to vent but I had to mention what helped us in case you haven't tried these things and one might help your DS. If nothing else, know that it's a phase and he will come out of it soon. Big hugs and please don't be afraid to ask and accept help if you can.

[tanyato]

I am tears right now: I finally fell asleep at 5:30am and baby woke up at 6:30. When he first woke me up I was so dead asleep I was just confused. Right now I'm nauseous and shaky from being so tired. And a whole lot pissed. I can't go back to sleep now - I'm literally too angry. I don't even want to touch my baby.

[rebecca_n]

can you get a friend or someone you trust to come over and watch baby so you can nap? i'm sorry things are so bad right now. i know how hard it is to gentle/loving when you are drop dead exhausted. hope this is a phase and it passes quickly. good luck, 

[tanyato]

skycheattraffic - thanks for your reply. those are good suggestions, and i'm glad to hear someone's gone through something similar (and survived!). honestly though, your method is pretty much what i have going on. he doesn't need to play every night, but the times he does, i do exactly what you described. the ironic thing is that during the day, he RARELY plays independently but the few times he's had middle of the night playing sessions i lie on the couch and he plays with toys for an hour or more. that never happens during the day. 

rebecca_n - thanks for the . ln theory, i could ask my mom to come over and help me out but....in reality...my husband and i only have the one babe. i feel like we should be able to hack it you know? i mean, if this continues on for several more weeks (or even days actually) i may end up needing to ask my mom for help. but right now i think we should be able to work together and make it  through. DH is really good about taking over, taking turns, giving me a break etc. 

[skycheattraffic]

Tanyato, please don't feel like asking for help means you can't cut it as a parent. That is NOT true. As a parent, we need to ensure the safety and happiness of our babies and if asking for a little help means he has a mommy with more patience and energy to take care of him then that's what HE needs. I don't know where I would be without my mom's help. She comes over once a week to take care of DD for a few hours so I can cook/clean a little or nap if it's been a tough few days. I bet if your mom knew how bad things were, she would insist on helping. Even if she just takes him for a walk for an hour, it's a chance for you to relax and regroup. I grew up around extended family all the time and my mom's great aunt was over three times a week when she was a new mom to help. My mom (and probably yours too) knows how hard it is to be a first time mom and how much help an hour or two here or there can really be. Please do ask for some help; being chronically sleep deprived affects everything in life, including parenting. If it helps, think of it as providing quality grandma time with the fringe benefit of you getting some rest. The notion that babies should be easy for two adults to take care of 24/7 is unrealistic. I think the whole family would benefit from taking the pressure off you and DH a little from time to time. If I were your friend IRL, lived close and knew how badly you needed help, I'd babysit him once a week and not take no for an answer.

[sundaya]

First off, big hugs. It will get better. I feel like my kids "try" to break me, but stop just short....just when I think I'm going to die, it gets better. the teeth pops through (usually) and we can all sleep again. Remind yourself that this isn't forever, although I do know it feels like it while you're in it.

Second, ask for help. There are no medals given out for this :) This AP thing can be hard. CIO came (IMO) from the breakdown of the extended family, and not having anyone else to help out. That desperation you feel that you'll never be allowed to sleep again. If your DH can give you a morning sleeping in, or your mom can come over to let you nap, do what you need to do so that you can remain safe and sane. Work a long hot (ALONE) bath into the bargain, so that you can relax enough to sleep, and enough time for a real nap. Seriously, if you were my daughter, I'd be mad if you didn't ask.

[dyani]

i feel your pain!!  my 9 month old hasn't slept well since he was a newborn!  i totally understand your frustration & feeling like you don't want to be near him at times!  i feel the same.  i am hoping things just get better, as i don't know what else to do.  we currently have the crib sidecarred to our bed & he sleeps in there a bit, but ends up on me at some point in the night.  he flips & flops all over all night long!  nursing used to get him back to sleep, but doesn't always work now (plus he learned to bite my nipple w/ the one tooth he has).  he *usually* naps ok during the day, but its getting harder & harder to get him to go to sleep for those.  maybe he's teething, maybe he's growing, maybe he's about to start walking...maybe he'll sleep through the night by the time he's a teenager...who knows!  some nights are better than others & i try to nap when he does if i can.  i would ask for help if we had family anywhere near us, but we don't.  it can only get better, right?

[McFox]

oh man.....

i swear you stole this post right out of my mouth.  

i have no advice but somehow reading that other people are going through the same thing is a little bit of comfort.  my 9mo is doing the same thing right now and we finally slept from about 5:00am to 8:30am.  i feel like absolute hell and my husband and i are so short fused with each other. 

i am absolutely dreading night time at this point and wish there was baby nyquil!!! my husband finally put him in the carseat and went for a drive at 4:30am and that's how we got a few blessed hours of sleep.  this is our first (lol and last it this keeps up much longer!)  i keep hearing that this too shall pass and at this point i think every mom that says that is full of S***!

oh and i totally hear you on the nursing....i am getting abused as well from nipple pulling to hair pulling to kicking and eye gouging.   i keep fantizing about him being a teenager and waking him up every 20 minutes with loud crashing cymbols haha.  

[calizacar]

Oh god I remember this. 9 months was the absolute worst! My son didn't sleep through the night until he was about 22 months and frankly, I was such a basket case at that point that I had to let him figure it out a little bit for himself. Before that my husband and I would take turns. I took the first 4 hours and he took the second. I wore ear plugs and slept near the air conditioner so I couldn't hear anything else. I knew I didn't have to worry about my son because daddy was there. And, whenever it was my husbands shift he would somehow miraculously sleep the whole time! So unfair....
Don't be afraid to ask for help! We used to raise our kids in villages where there were a lot of extra arms to help. It's hard being a mom. And sleep deprivation is so far the worst thing I've dealt with.
Good luck Mama, you got this!

[Emaye]

Have you heard of the book "Go the F*ck to Sleep?"  I think you may be at that point of parenting where you would really appriciate the audio of Samuel Jackson reading that book.  Here it is: 

WARNING: The F word is liberally used in this audio: 

http://vimeo.com/27019462

Sit back, listen, maybe even cry.  You will make it through but man, it is tough.

[tanyato]

hey everyone! I feel the need to post an update - we are no longer in that crazy place!! woohooo! i feel like a normal human being!!! Here's what we did: 

*got over the guilt I felt at using a crib and decided it was honestly the best place for him to sleep (for the sake of our entire family's well being).

*started bedtime earlier

*nursed him almost to sleep then...

*placed him in his crib and DH stayed with him till he fell asleep. This took about 20 min (on the first night!) and did include some crying. mostly just fussing though. DH would sing, rub his back, pat his bum etc until he was totally out. (we have a rule that if it's been 30 minutes and he's not asleep and/or upset, i come back in and nurse him). 

*then, once he was asleep, i wouldn't feed him until it's been 4 hours (usually he went to sleep around 7, so i wouldn't feed him again until 11). if he woke up before that time, DH would go in and rub his back, sing to him etc until he fell back asleep (we still kept the 30 minute rule). 

*when he woke up around 11 I'd feed him and then place him back in his crib, DH would come in if necessary to pat/rub/sing etc. 

*The next feeding would be at 3am so if there were any wake ups before then DH would go in and do his thing. 

*anytime that he woke after the 3am feeding (usually anywhere from 4am to 6am) he would come into bed and snuggle, doze, nurse until we all got up for the day around 7am.

well. let me tell you. it was a difficult few days at first. baby wasn't distraught, but more just miffed that he was spending so much of the night in his crib. but then something magical happened around day 3 or 4. we all started sleeping. a lot. i cannot believe this is my child. honestly. he goes to sleep at 7. sometimes he doesn't wake up till 12 or 12:30! i feed him. cuddle him. burp him and place him in his crib. he moves around a bit and i hum and pat his bum for like 3 seconds and then he's out. and then he sleeps for a few hours, then we repeat. it's beyond amazing. i have had 2-3-4 hour blocks of sleep this past week. i don't even remember the last time i had that. 

i think it was hard for me to accept that co-sleeping wasn't working anymore, and that we would all actually sleep better in our own spaces - baby included. he ACTUALLY SLEEPS BETTER IN HIS CRIB. who knew? 

DH and i agree that co-sleeping was fabulous for the first few months and we will definitely choose to co-sleep with our next child(ren). BUT we should have reassessed around 6 months when things were going downhill and no one was sleeping. if my next child sleeps well in our bed, i will keep him/her there. but i've now learned that if it's not working, change it!

we are all so much happier. i can't even describe the change that has taken place. my husband i are getting along better. i feel normal. i might even start exercising again! the sky's the limit! :)

thanks for all the words of encouragement and support. hope everyone else who's dealing with sleep deprivation can get some relief soon.

[skycheattraffic]

That's wonderful! I'm glad you're all sleeping better.

[jennybear]

Congrats!

From 5-ish months on, DD slept MUCH better in her crib. I know co-sleeping works fabulously for some families, but every baby is different and I am glad you found what worked for you!

[vanni]

Tanyato, good move on the changes you made! Especially having your husband sit with him! This is what we did, and reading your post from before I was going to suggest it but wasn't sure if it would be construed as sleep training/CIO, because there was some fussy crying involved in our case.

Our LO was very similar in that she liked sleeping in her crib more than we anticipated. In retrospect it also seemed that she had been over-stimulated by all the rocking, bouncing, and nursing to sleep (or not to sleep, since it stopped working at a certain point) that we had been trying to do. Once we let her hang out in her crib with one of us sitting next to her, patting her back, quietly talking from time to time, she figured out that she was okay going to sleep on her own. After the second night she slept the whole night through (and had been waking 5-7 times per night prior to that).

I am always happy to hear when babies start sleeping better! May it continue!

[allisonrose]

Just a few things: sleep deprivation is horrible. There is absolutely reason why it is used as a torture method.

I don't feel the scenario of a child crying with a loving caregiver comforting him/her in some manner is CIO. Sometimes they can't have what they want and they are upset about it. It is hard on everyone.

If you can stand them, perhaps earplugs would be helpful. One parent is on duty and the other has earplugs in. My hubby always suggests earplugs but I hate, hate, hate them.

I don't think calling in help means you can't hack it as parents. We aren't meant to be so isolated as we are in our society. We are meant to have other caring relatives or elders around to lend a hand when necessary. (Okay there is one exemption to this: years ago a coworker of my hubby's baby was having a rough time of sleeping. His mom lived relatively close by and offered to come over during the day to help the SAHM wife with the baby. The baby was crying one night during this time and the wife refused to go check on the baby. Finally he got up and discovered their daughter had a poopy diaper. I don't know if the baby settled down easily after the diaper change but I consider a poopy diaper to be a legitimate complaint on the child's part.)

[Hawkhurstsouth]

I need to vent to - I wrote this out, and read some of your comments... I will try them... thank you!

SLEEPING ADVICE: My 11 month old has been bed sharing with us since he was born.  It was great at first, it was the only way we ALL would get some rest (although my husband can sleep through a lot).  Our routine is bathing, turning the lights low, reading a story and/or singing to him, and breastfeeding DS to sleep - this generally takes about 45 minutes. BUT then in about an hour he wakes up screaming hysterically!  When we sleep and he wakes up looking to nurse, I usually just nurse him for a minute or so and he goes right back to sleep.  But lately he will nurse, I think he's asleep, take my boob away and he SCREAMS.  This carries on every hour or so.  I am hesitant to do the cry it out... but I am at wits end with his screaming.  

[micah_mae_]

My oldest was like that until we found out he has autism. Pacing the house with him in the Moby, singing, nursing..for literally hours..waking every hour or two. Horrendous. Even now on melatonin he wakes up to 4-5 times a night and he's 4.
Find someone to take baby for 8 hours and sleep. Know that this too shall pass.
I felt so sad for.him once I knew he actually was exhausted but couldn't physically fall asleep. Torture for him as well.

[skycheattraffic]

Hawkhurstsouth, your DS may be in a sleep regression. My dd went through one at 10 months and another at 13 months and I think is in another one now at 18 months. Often going to sleep is manageable and staying asleep is the problem. Right now she's impossible to put down but will nap/sleep on me easily. It drives me a bit crazy but I just have to remember that it's a temporary setback. She's had them before, and likely will have them again. It's a tough couple of weeks or so but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I know how easy it is to feel frustrated and touched out but since he is in bed with you, leave him latched on if you can and get some rest. Good luck!

[lifeguard]

tanyato - your original post is exactly where I am. I actually left the house & went & swore at the chickens at 4:00 this morning. I swear this girl is slowly killing me. Glad you found a solution, we tried something similar but dd did not think it was fabulous - I gave it up after a week when I realized it was just making things worse, still others finding solutions makes me hopeful ours will come.