i'm not even asking for advice. just need a place to vent before i jump out a window.
it's 5am. i slept from 11:50pm to 1:45am. Last night was about the same. my 9 month old LO will not sleep next to me and won't sleep away from me. putting him to sleep is ok. and my husband (bless him) has taken over the evening re-settling (baby wakes up several times after we put him to sleep...and then pretty much keeps at it all night long). anyways, i'm not even making sense i'm so tired. i just feel like i'm going to hurt myself. we've got a crib, a matress on the floor next to our bed, a matress on the floor in the spare room and our own bed on the floor. that FOUR seperate sleeping locations we use dpending on what works for baby the best at the moment. we bounce him to sleep on a yoga ball. i nurse him allllllllll night long if that keeps him asleep (it sometimes works, and sometimes it causes him to wake up and want to play or just be totally restless - patting my face, pulling my nipples, kicking my stomach). we've even (gasp) tried setting him in the his crib and patting his back and singing to him while he cried himself to sleep. it's awful but sometimes i am so tired i literally do not have the strength to pick him up and hold him.
our neighbours probably think we;re hurting our child. honestly, lately i have to call my husband in to take over because i have almost gotten to the point where i do feel like hurting him. not literally, but...YKWIM? like i don't even feel loving, caring, sympathetic feelings for my child. i just feel anger and resentment. hows this for crazy: i just took a walk around my neighborhood at 4am whilst muttering curse words out loud to myself. ( i NEVER swear in real life. like, NEVER). i'm at the point where the main reason i won't do CIO isn't because i feel like it's "wrong" but more because i wouldn't be able to sleep through him crying so what's the point anyways?
and the cherry on top is that i am so overtired i can't actually sleep once the baby is sleeping. i'm constantly buzzed...it's takes me a long time to fall asleep and by the time i do, it's time for another round of settle the baby. sometimes in the middle of the night i just give up and i take him into the living room and lie on the couch while he plays until he gets cranky and then put him back to bed.
his naps at s*** but that's a whole other story.