It's the Big Night « Back to Group Discussions

[GranolaMama09]

DP got a call from his brother that his Dad was doing a lot worse so off DP went to his parents.  He's supposedly telling his mother tonight which means crazy ex will find out by morning.  Or maybe tomorrow afternoon - his mom might wait until he leaves to call her. I'm so excited that FINALLY we'll get to announce and start sharing with everyone!!!!!!  Divorce may be final as soon as Monday and maybe we can finally start 'officially' moving forward!!!!  P & PTs appreciated that she doesn't do something crazy to me and my DD or her and DP's kids.

[withlittlelungs]

Thinking about you!! And SO excited that the divorce may be final soon!!! Please keep us updated 

[scruffy too]

Thinking of you.  We haven't got up the nerve / had the time set aside to tell DP's ex yet.  And I live in a small town so we can't tell anyone except close friends or she'd find out.  We plan on telling her this weekend.  Which sucks.  But then (just like you) we can start telling whomever we want!!!

Best of luck!!!!!

[GranolaMama09]

I'm excited too!  Then no more of her crazy stunts or the constant fear that she'll keep the children from us!  Once we tell his parents she'll find out.  Hopefully we'll be able to head off her telling everyone else and get to tell them ourselves.  At least she can't tell my ex and I'll get to do that but they have A LOT of mutual friends we'd like to get to tell as well as their children.  Luckily my ex will be happy for us - especially since he just had his second child.

[GranolaMama09]

Well so much for that.  DP just messaged me and his Dad is doing really poorly so he hasn't had a chance to speak to his mother.  Which essentially means he's not going to tell her.  I'm seriously sitting her bawling my eyes out.  I agreed to keep it a secret at first because of my previous losses. Then because his ex is crazy but this is just ridiculously NOT FAIR.  This is my LAST pregnancy and it's going to be half over before we get to tell anyone if we're lucky.  It's causing me a lot of problems in bonding with baby because I spend most of my time freaking out that somehow she'll find out and wreak havoc rather than getting to actually enjoy being pregnant.  DP doesn't get it at all and thinks I'm just being selfish and don't care about how it'll effect his family and kids (because of the ex).  That's so far from the truth!  I understand why he's not wanting to add to his Mom's stress atm and how ex finding out could potentially cause a lot of harm but that doesn't make me feel any less neglected.  It's completely possible to logically understand and agree with a decision while you emotionally disagree with it.  Ugh.  Throw in guilt trips from my mother whining about how it's not fair for the grandparents to not be able to tell anyone and I feel fantastic.  I flat out told my mother today (on her birthday no less) that at least she got told.  It's her, my Dad, DP, me, and my bffs that know.  I'm going to bed.  Night ladies.

[withlittlelungs]

 i'm so sorry, granola. That is incredibly disappointing, and I would be bawling my eyes out as well. I know how incredibly frustrating it is to have to adjust your life to avoid conflict with an ex. If the divorce becomes final on Monday, will DP feel comfortable telling everyone? If the divorce is nearly final, is there even anything the ex can do to delay it at this point?
You are not being selfish whatsoever. I am sorry that you are getting pressure from your mom to tell everyone. It just makes everything 10 times worse. I'm thinking about you!

[scruffy too]

Sorry to hear that!  And I don't think it's selfish, either.  I think our partners sometimes take for granted how much "comprimising" we do just to not upset their ex...

[kittn]

i dont think your being selfish at all. I would be bawling my eyes out too. Im sorry to hear about DP's father. I dont know your back story  so I am sorry if you have said this before. why would DPs mother feel the need to tell your Dp's crazy x?

i have a crazy xh. he made my life hell through my first pregnancy with DH our divorce wasnt final yet either and he had to sign a paper saying the baby wasnt his. he refused to sign it for weeks. he has acted up every single time I have been pregnant since. it sucks. 

So i guess what I am saying is I get you

[GranolaMama09]

withlittlelungs - It depends on what his lawyer can work out.  They're still trying to settle out of court so if his lawyer can convince her lawyer (and in turn her) to sign the papers as DP wants them (you know, actually equal) then it could be final Monday. It's set for trial Monday so either they have to tell the judge that they settled and he'll sign off, his lawyer will ask for a continuance, or they could actually have a trial over it.  She could refuse to sign the papers, drag things out even longer, refuse him from the children (since there are no legal papers to enforce because the divorce isn't final.  Yes, it'll look badly on her if she does but that's never stopped her before.), and other things.  I mean she went so far as to tell the 8 year old when we started dating (while she was refusing to allow DP to see the children) that I'm the reason Daddy wasn't there.  That he didn't love them anymore because he loved me more.  How sick do you get?!

scruffy - It's a constant compromise with her.  Luckily my ex usually isn't too bad (although he has his moments) and we don't have to compromise a lot with him.

kittn - DP's father has been on hospice for awhile but it doesn't make it any easier.  The crazy ex wife still visits with the children and is included in family events like she's still a family member.  Still calls DP's mom and refers to her as 'mom' and all kinds of other crazy things.  I don't know WHY his mother would choose to believe her over her son or why on earth she wants her son to be with a woman like that (as mentioned before, she slept with half the town including DP's bff by whom she had a baby, our two year old, and is an emotionally and physically abusive woman to DP) but DP swears his mother would run straight to ex with information like that.  It makes ZERO sense.  DP says she puts up with ex because the ex has the kids atm and until the divorce is final, there is no legal papers forcing her to give DP the children.  I disagree as to the reasoning but it's not my mom and she still has not shown one lick of interest in me so as far as I'm concerned she can go about her merry way.  I'm NOT going to play the game of I'm not worth her notice until suddenly I'm pregnant and now I'm a VIP (which is how I'm certain she'll react).  Sorry,  I'm a powerhouse of a woman in my own right and I will not be treated that way (and DP backs me 100%!)

ATM, we're planning to go out there late Sunday evening and spend the day Monday telling her then unless DP has to be in court.  Otherwise, we'll go out Monday afternoon and come home really early Tuesday morning and tell her then.  It depends on what DP's lawyer manages to do this week.  We're both pretty sure ex is running out of money to pay her lawyer and she really doesn't want a paternity suit brought out against the two year old (since most people don't know the toddler isn't DP's) so we're hoping she'll quit being a twat and just sign the papers that are actually fair.

[scruffy too]

It sounds as though we have the same DP's ex...  His ex still calls his mom "mom" and talks to her on the phone constantly.  She's also currently with his [ex]BFF.  I won't get into how she got full custody for a bit (it involves perjury) and despite the custody agreement supposedly being agreed upon, she just served him with papers to attend court because she doesn't want to pay him child support because *I* make money.  (Their custody is 50/50, and her CS is very little, probably will be nothing the next time DP gets a raise.)  I feel your pain. 

Instead of being 100% focused on ME and OUR pregnancy, DP is split because he's also focused on HER and COURT.  I even put off telling DP about the pregnancy as he had court the day after I found out and didn't want it to distract him.  I would really appreciate it if she would just fade into the distance for the next year and not have to give her another thought.

Sorry to rant on your post, but I just really know how you feel and it SUCKS.

[withlittlelungs]

granola & scruffy- DP's ex is best friends with SIL, and gets invited to all the family events. Up until a few months ago, she was invited to everything at FIL's house and we were not. She spreads lies about DP to his family, so they think she is some kind of saint. She is actually one of the worst parents I have ever seen. Texas is very pro-mother, so the chance of us getting custody of DSD is almost non-existent. It causes a lot of issues when we have DSD over here, because she is so messed up from her mother. 

DP doesn't have anything to do with her. It is nice but also extremely frustrating when I feel like he should be saying something. 
big hugs to you both for having to go through all of this crap!
 

[GranolaMama09]

Originally Posted by scruffy too 

It sounds as though we have the same DP's ex...  His ex still calls his mom "mom" and talks to her on the phone constantly.  She's also currently with his [ex]BFF.  I won't get into how she got full custody for a bit (it involves perjury) and despite the custody agreement supposedly being agreed upon, she just served him with papers to attend court because she doesn't want to pay him child support because *I* make money.  (Their custody is 50/50, and her CS is very little, probably will be nothing the next time DP gets a raise.)  I feel your pain. 

Instead of being 100% focused on ME and OUR pregnancy, DP is split because he's also focused on HER and COURT.  I even put off telling DP about the pregnancy as he had court the day after I found out and didn't want it to distract him.  I would really appreciate it if she would just fade into the distance for the next year and not have to give her another thought.

Sorry to rant on your post, but I just really know how you feel and it SUCKS.

Absolutely okay!  She's trying to get him to pay support yet he is unemployed (full time student) and she makes almost $16 an hour and they have a 50/50 split!  Our state calculates support at DP having a minimum wage ($7.25 an hour) job because he is capable of working and she is calculated at what she makes but the state also will only give credit for 33% of the year even if we have them 50%.  Regardless, in EVERY scenario she owes HIM money when things are calculated at even 33% but she's trying to push it through as 10% credit.  You know, because she blows all her money on clothes, make-up, drinking, and partying for herself.