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conflict with DP and parents/visiting after baby is born

post #1 of 5
Thread Starter 

I apologize if this post is long! DP is 8 years older than I am. We met online through mutual friends on a forum for a band that we both adore. He has never met my dad, because my dad refused to meet him when he found out our age difference. My mother (who is emotionally unstable) forced me to leave the house the first time she met DP, so that she could interrogate him. Then proceeded to tell me how much she dislikes him, and that he was an internet predator. I chose to move from Chicago to Texas to be with DP, and my mother always blames him for that (even though it was completely my idea) She has never come around or actually tried to get to know him. He doesn't come with me when I go home for visits, because the two times he has, my mother has been blatantly rude towards him and makes him feel completely unwelcome. When she visited and stayed with us after DS was born, WW3 started. She flipped out after something that she thought she heard DS say to his daughter about her, and started saying horrible things about him and myself. It got so bad that I had to tell her to get a hotel. 
Tonight she asked if she could visit after I have #2. I don't want to keep her from her grandchildren, but having her here isn't enjoyable. It is more stress. DP will never tell me that she can't visit, because she is my mother. I just do not want to deal with her attitude, rudeness, etc. I don't know what to do. 
And on another note, I don't know when my dad will even meet the baby. He isn't going to come up for a visit, and I don't know how soon I will want to get on a plane with a newborn and a toddler so that I can go to Chicago. 
Just feeling bummed out about the whole thing.

post #2 of 5

Hi WLL!  While it's not exactly the same situation, I can relate.  My mother has an undiagnosed borderline personality disorder which means at best she's manipulative and unpleasant and at worst, completely abusive.  My bro just had his first a month ago and is already at the point of cutting off contact with her and I just found out I'm expecting and this is one of the reason I'm so freaked out about it.  Ever since I found out what was wrong with her and realized there was no hope at all of ever having a healthy relationship with her I knew I'd eventually have to cut her out of my life.  


Now this doesn't sound like your mom but from what I've read the parent/child bond is a difficult one to break, even when it should be.  If your mother is causing you nothing but stress and hurting those you love then it may be the best choice to take a breather from her.  Not saying it has to be permanent but just some time to reevaluate if the relationship is worth continuing.  It may be, it may not be.  Don't feel bad about making whatever decision is right for you and your family.

post #3 of 5

I have come to the point where I have no problem keeping grandparents from Grandchildren.  My inlaws have never been nice to me and after MIL told DH she wasn't planning to try (and it's obvious she's never tried), she just isn't allowed at our house and we don't go to hers. My parents are hit and miss.  My mom gets along with DH better than me and she knows how to help when a baby arrives but she's only offered to come (even after being asked) for one out of the 3. 


I'd do what makes YOU comfortable. It's your house.

post #4 of 5

I'm sorry you are in this stressful mess.  As a general rule, I think you should only have people visit you after the birth who can help.  Help take care of you, the house, the toddler, so that you can have time to heal and recuperate from the birth and to be with your new baby.  I don't think anyone should visit if you are going to spend your energy taking care of them, or if they are going to make things worse for you.  She has shown she can't visit and behave herself so she can't visit until you are ready for her.  You're the mom, you're the boss.  Good luck!

post #5 of 5
Thread Starter 

AmandaLynnH- My mother has borderline personality disorder, but she doesn't work in therapy and self-medicates (among a lot of other problems). I have cut her out of my life, but it is hard because I will have everyone (including my father who has been divorced from her nearly my entire life) pressures me to "give her another chance". She is an incredible grandmother to my son, but with all of her other issues it isn't even worth it. I'm only 14 weeks pregnant, so I have a while to think it over and figure it out. I appreciate you sharing your story with me!

Camprunner- my MIL is a piece of crap grandparent, and I do not have any problems keeping her from my son. It is just harder when it is my own mother. If I end up having my mother come visit, I will either only allow her to stay for a few days, or I will set it up when my sister is also able to visit (she helps diffuse the situation). 


pokeyAC- I completely agree. My mom was great with helping around the house when she visited after DS was born, but the constant stress of waiting for her to freak out on someone isn't worth it. I'd rather have things be a little messy for a while. I am going to talk to DP about whether we should give her another shot. If she does visit, it will not be for more than a few days. I just don't need the stress. Thank you for your advice!

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