or Connect
Mothering › Groups › August 2012 Birth Club › Discussions › slow to bond?

slow to bond?

post #1 of 11
Thread Starter 

is anyone else experiencing this, or have experience?


 our birth was so wonderful, but the 2 weeks following it were very very challenging!  Lina is almost 3 weeks now and i still feel like she could be someone else's baby.  i wanted to be a mom for such a long time, and this baby was/is very much wanted and planned for, yet the experience hasn't exactly been what i imagined.  i hoped to have a "love at first sight" experience, but when Lina came out i honestly felt like she was a stranger.  maybe it has something to do with the fact that i really thought i was having a boy?  i don't know.  i have felt protective of her since birth, but i don't feel a connection....i feel sometimes like she doesn't like me, and that i don't know what she wants. and that makes me feel like a bad mom. i totally panic when she cries!  i took her out on public today for the first time, to a nursing support group, and was very anxious when she fussed, and felt like all the other babies were happy with their mamas, and was somehow failing at parenting when i had trouble getting her calmed down.


 i know that part of the problem is that i need to develop some confidence in my ability to parent/be a mom.  Our breastfeeding got off to a rocky start, and i think that really surprised me and caused me to lose a lot of confidence. 


anyhow, just wondering if any other mamas were going through something similar!

post #2 of 11

my experience has been similar... especially with our breastfeeding issues, i've felt kind of scared of him at times! it sometimes blows my mind that the little butt i'm patting is the same one that wiggled around inside of me. i feel like i'm only just getting to know him, which grows daily as he is more responsive and expressive. i think this is a pretty normal variation of bonding!

post #3 of 11

I have felt moments of deep and intense love, but they have alternated with moments of deep ambivalence. DH and I have even looked at each other in the middle of a fussy night and said, what were we thinking? Maybe becoming parents was a huge mistake. DH keeps reminding me, in a 98% joking way, that it's not to late to give him away... While this is mostly just humor to blow off steam, it reflects that fact that early parenting is very hard, and we hardly know this guy. I still have almost no sense of his personality. What sense I do have comes from his fussiness, and I hate to hold that against him because he'll grow out of it so soon (I hope!).


We only get negative feedback at this point, like crying and fussing. Very little positive, loving feedback: smiles, positive reactions to our presence, voice or kisses. The only part of me Armie is ever truly happy to see is my boobs!


But I'm also protective of him and terrified of losing him to SIDS or some other tragedy. Oh well, it's all normal I think.

post #4 of 11
Thread Starter 

thanks mamas!


CCoello, you're so right, the negative-only feedback is temporary!   i need to remember that!  And eleuthia, yep, i have moments of terror when she cries sometimes.  i'm just gonna keep reminding myself that it will get easier, tis is just a phase, and look forward to those first smiles.


i really think childbirth classes should spend some time talking about  this post-partum parenting thing- i feel like i was so prepared for everything except for this. 

post #5 of 11

CCoello -   LOL  I don't know if this is what you want to hear, but sometimes, for instance at the dinner table, DH and I still look at eachother and say "What were we thinking?!"


And we're almost 6yrs into this parenting thing. Oh my.

post #6 of 11

I really think that going from no kids to one is way harder than the transition from one to two. At least, that's been my experience. I know a lot more the second time around, and even though my two kids are completely different from each other, I'm able to roll with it. If my son had cried as much as my daughter does, I probably would have lost my mind. 


I can also echo Tizzy's sentiment of "what the hell were we thinking?" Everyone has those moments! Totally normal!

post #7 of 11

sallyrae - I totally agree - having my first was such a HUGE adjustment, going from one to two was much easier and now from 2 to 3 has been even easier.  There's more going on now - it's busier... but I'm better at it and it's not so dang overwhelming in all the ways that being a brand new mom is overwhelming.  


The bonding is tough through these fussy weeks.  Give it time and yes, their personalities will start to show themselves, the smiles will come, and just you wait until you get those first giggles.  SO MUCH FUN.  


Tizzy - LOL - we have those moments too - ours are usually around bedtime when I need to sleep to and I have monkeys running everywhere!!!  Monkeys I want to send back to the jungle on the next boat to Africa!  :)  

post #8 of 11

I'm glad you wrote this. I too have felt like my baby is a stranger

post #9 of 11

I felt all those things with my first.  Not so much this time but I remember.  I actually had to mourn a bit for the baby in my tummy - it felt so much like she wasn't the same baby.  Once the smiles and giggles started coming and her personality started developing things got much better.  It's so hard when they are all needs and no response.

post #10 of 11

Apparently I never responded to this, though I thought I had. I could have written pretty much word for word what you did, except I did know my baby's sex ahead of time. How are things going now?

post #11 of 11
Thread Starter 

monkeyscience-- things are feeling much  better for me!  my girl is almost 6 weeks and i definitely feel like i know her now!  we just needed some extra time i guess.

  Return Home
  Back to Forum: August 2012 Birth Club
Mothering › Groups › August 2012 Birth Club › Discussions › slow to bond?