Possibly becoming a single parent

[Suzannah]

First some history:
1. Have 2 yr old dd

2. SO just moved home permanently after working in Louisiana 4 weeks on/2 weeks off for a year.

3. We used to live in Seattle, but moved to ATL b/c my dad has cancer and wanted to be closer w/dd

4. SO and I have been having lots of troubles this past year (money, jobs, childrearing, etc.)

Now the issue, I guess.

I'm pretty much done. When SO came home, he had a vision of a 50's style home, and I was thinking, a little companionship and some help (I work full-time). I am taking care of 3 people now, instead of just myself and the babe. He loves his daughter tremendously, and tells me he loves me tremendously and that being apart isn't an option, so he'll do whatever he needs to do, but...

*I'm sick of always having to ask and feeling like I'm being taken for granted

*SO is a debt magnet and has recently cost us lots of cash (plus, stupid things, like his 3-months new to us car needs a transmission)

*I think I might be better off alone, only taking care of myself and dd

I guess the reason why I hesitate is dd; she deserves to have two parents (as said before, SO absolutely loves her and has said that he really likes being home, even as crappy as it has been), and I don't want to be selfish. HOWEVER, I also don't want to be unhappy (and yes, I know I deserve to be - my motivation to stay has to do with dd only).

Does anyone have any creative suggestions to start to fix the issues with SO and I OR, ideas about how to work an amicable separation? Counseling is not an option; I have checked out low-income and state/county supported and it's awful. I would appreciate suggestions!

[~member~]

Hello Suzannah! If you are serious about wanting SO to stay then you might have to just turn into Mean Mama for a little bit and lay down some ultimatums/rules. It sounds like he needs to grow up a little. It may or may not be helpful in the long run for you to be the one to give him the push needed. I know what it's like to be a Mama of a grown man and little kids, but in some cases it is worth it for the dd's and ds's.
Examples: Separate finances if possible, so any more of his debt does no harm to your credit. Make him responsible for paying certain bills or giving you enuf $ to cover bills.

Biggest help I saw was my sister who quit buying food LOL! When he said he was hungry, she told him he was an adult now and perfectly capable of going to the store and purchasing food. Although, she makes enuf $ to take herself and son out to eat when DH 'forgets' to go shopping. So, it may or may not be an option. Or you could buy food you know you and dd like but SO dislikes...?
It helped cuz BIL now not only buys the food, he got a job, helps pay rent, and spends at least two hours a day exclusively with ds for quality time. It did take a good eight months and I thought my Sis was gonna go bald from the hair pullin'! But hey, it was worth it to her.
Good luck with whatever you decide (sorry so long

[Suzannah]

MITB- Thanks for the long reply! Finances are definately an issue; he used to make A LOT more money (like 4x) when he worked out of town, and now he couldn't pay all of his bills (just HIS bills, not dd's or house-related) if he wanted to. Since we aren't married, it doesn't actually hurt my credit at all; we're just constantly cash-poor (and, as it turns out, equity poor as well).

I guess I just don't know if I should be living with him at all. We got pregnant after knowing each other for 6 months. In the same week, his uncle fired him b/c SO's mother died and he flew home to go to her funeral (nice guy). So, no job, no house, no mom, new baby. We were fighting constantly, and I finally kicked him out. He moved back in a few months later, and things were better.

It's also that when we have stress or troubles, we get pulled apart by them. We don't come together at all.

I'm done whining. I'm sick of hearing it myself. Thanks for responding.

ps. About the ultimatums and rules: I'm not sure that this is all his fault. I think maybe much of it is me, and I don't mean that in some I'm-the-Victim kind of way. I know I'm difficult to live with and I think I am a better human being, overall, when I'm alone.

[Mcaws]

I'm begining to think I'm a better human when I'm alone too...with the kids though. I'm pg with #3.