Telling a friend who lost a baby...Help please. « Back to Group Discussions

[CoBabyMaker]

I will soon need to tell a friend that I am pregnant but she had a miscarriage a few months ago and I want to be sensitive to that.  I've  never had a miscarriage so I can only imagine what it would be like in her shoes.  I was hoping some of you ladies who have been there can help me out.

Here is the situation:  (I'll identify by our first initials) There are 4 of us who are fairly close friends.  We get together pretty regularly and I feel like it's kind of our tribe.   A few months ago N was pregnant and lost the baby at about 15 weeks.  It was very scary and she literally almost died from bleeding.  (This was going to be her 3rd baby, it was a surprise.  They had thought they were done although she wanted a 3rd.  After N almost dying  her husband wants them to be done but N still is longing for another in her heart. )  They say they are and seem to be at peace with having lost the baby, just trusting God even though they are saddened.  I know it can still be hard though.  If I am remembering correctly the baby would have been due in October.

Within the last few months S and C have announced that they are pregnant.  Now I am too.  We are all getting together on Monday (at N's house) and I thought that it might be a fun time to announce my pregnancy since we're all together but I want to be careful.  I was going to tell in a fun way but I wasn't sure if that would be rude. 

I think I would be sad if my three close friends were pregnant and it was out of the question/I had somewhat recently lost a baby.  

Should I just tell N separately?  I don't want her to feel left out.

Tell them together in a fun way?  (Nothing crazy,  I was going to print out some pictures of my girls I took and mix in a picture of the pregnancy test.)

Tell them  together and then talk to her privately afterward?

Arrive early and tell her before but still tell friends there?

Other ideas?

[crunchybroccoli]

hi cobabymaker... first of all, i think it is really wonderful that you are so sensitive to your friend's feelings.  when i m/c, i had three friends (two close) who were pregnant -- one found out at the same time as me.  there is always sadness -- you won't be able to prevent her from feeling that --- but you can be supportive and let her grieve even as you celebrate together.  but you are right that it is/will be a hard dynamic with others involved, so i'd vote for telling her privately first and letting her know how much you support her before telling the group.  she may want to cry (i did!!) and both you and she will feel better if she can share those feelings with you -- just you, no one else.  remember, you can't stop her from feeling sad but you can support her and give her a safe supportive place to express those feelings.  good luck!!  you are a really wonderful friend.
 

[jacquelinej]

If I were you, speaking from experience with several losses, I would really think about what kind of person N is.  It sounds like she would be very supportive, but of course it will sadden her.  Reminders are everywhere though, unfortunately.  

When I had my losses, I was still supportive of my friends but some of them felt they could not be close to me any more (there is a stigma associated with stillbirths especially, even though the loss was not under my control).  There was one friend I was particularly close to, and we were living on opposite sides of the US.  She called me on Thanksgiving, I was just about to call her and we both blurted out that we were pregnant.  Turns out we were due within 2 days of each other.  5 months later (at 6 months pg) I lost my son.  She would not call me or talk to me, even after the funeral.  Maybe I was giving off bad vibes, I am not sure.  We have never talked about what happened but I felt like I was contagious or something.  She did call me on the day she was going in to labor to let me know and I was so happy for her I was crying.  Of course, by that time I was pregnant again with my daughter.  It is still between us, she has had 2 more children, each of which I learned of very late in her pregnancy.  That is what hurt, being cut out and not being allowed to share the joy of a new life.

If your friend is the type that likes to share in the joy of life, and not dwell on the darkness, then she will be ecstatic after she is told.  I would consider seeing her alone first to let her know.  This way you recognize her loss and you don't shock her on Monday.  But from what it sounds like, she will be expecting it.  After all, your other 2 friends are pregnant.  She knows your life goes on even when her life is at a standstill.  Also, telling her early gives her time to process her grief and then Monday will be a happy event for everyone.

j

[CoBabyMaker]

Thanks for your answers.  I am going to arrive a couple minutes early tomorrow to tell my friend.  S asked me today at church (she knew we were trying) so she knows now.  I will just tell C while we are there too but after I talk to N privately.  I know she is able to genuinely happy for us so I think it will be ok.