My dd has recently started to scream when she doesn't get her way, which is often. She has very definite ideas about what she want and does not want to do, and will scream, bite, and cry as needed to get her way. She's too young to understand 'no' or 'wait' even though I do my best to distract her from the situation (or if possible, avoid the situation all together).
How do you deal with this?
I am right there with you both! *sigh* My 14 year old is in a padded room, aka the pack n' play, as we speak. I don't make a habit of it but from time to time, he seems to get totally overwhelmed, frustrated, super focused on trying to get to dangerous or delicate things, and starts to hurl himself headfirst into stuff. The floor particularly. I put him in the pack n' play and being a little confined, oddly enough, calms him. It's like he goes into sensory overload. This started for us when he started walking, too, about a month ago.
I have also tried to minimize situations where I have to say "no!". He's got a few safe drawers in the kitchen to get into and that has been really good. He seems to be all about pushing limits right now! I am just trying to get through it sanity intact.
yup, normal! I agree with the pp - pick your battles, and try to remove as many "no" things from reach/sight as possible. The other thing that I started doing (after reading an article on Mothering about getting the "angries out" i think it was called) was describing to my son what he was feeling. "you are so MAD that mommy took that away, you really wanted that!" short and simple. sometimes i would explain with a "that's dangerous" or "dirty", etc, but it seemed to help him work through things a little. now when that happens it's easier for him to identify the emotions, which I will still help him do. Once I identify the emotion I let him work out the anger for a minute, rather than feed into the tantrum, then he usually asks for a hug and it's over. you just have to know that sometimes kids are noisy, and keep in mind that the tantrums are usually from feeling out of control or being overstimulated/tired. try to let them have as much control over things as you can (which was something that was hard for me!), and try not to do things that you know will be a battle when they are sleepy. sometimes a tantrum just helps them hit the reset button, then they move on.
You and me both!
When dd first started behaving like this, I was sooo tired. Now I think I'm adjusting. Hopefully managing things better, lol.
The issue with dd is nothing works for long once she gets familiar with whatever it is I'm using to distract her. Keeps me on my toes!
I have also tried to minimize situations where I have to say "no!". He's got a few safe drawers in the kitchen to get into and that has been really good. He seems to be all about pushing limits right now! I am just trying to get through it sanity intact.
This is interesting... how old is your ds?
I don't explain much to dd, just a line or two usually as I would speak to someone in conversation, but I don't expect her to understand anything. She's 15 months old but seems delayed in language, and has yet to say her first coherent word (too many languages going on around her...).
For example, dd really enjoys picking things up from the floor and putting them in her mouth, especially food she's throw on the floor. She won't eat from the plate, but loves to eat grains of rice from the floor. We've explained so many times over the last few months-- it's dirty, it's not what people do, etc, but she thinks it's fun and does it before we stop her.
yup, normal! I agree with the pp - pick your battles, and try to remove as many "no" things from reach/sight as possible. The other thing that I started doing (after reading an article on Mothering about getting the "angries out" i think it was called) was describing to my son what he was feeling. "you are so MAD that mommy took that away, you really wanted that!" short and simple. sometimes i would explain with a "that's dangerous" or "dirty", etc, but it seemed to help him work through things a little. now when that happens it's easier for him to identify the emotions, which I will still help him do. Once I identify the emotion I let him work out the anger for a minute, rather than feed into the tantrum, then he usually asks for a hug and it's over. you just have to know that sometimes kids are noisy, and keep in mind that the tantrums are usually from feeling out of control or being overstimulated/tired. try to let them have as much control over things as you can (which was something that was hard for me!), and try not to do things that you know will be a battle when they are sleepy. sometimes a tantrum just helps them hit the reset button, then they move on.
I sure am glad to know that this is "normal" behavior. My dh is bewildered by what he thinks is dd's new 'bad habits' (screaming all the time). He's never been around babies and kids, though!It seems like being open and flexible is the thing to do. Whenever I think I've managed a situation well, she thinks of something new to do. I pretty much let her do whatever she likes as long as it's not dangerous. But sometimes it gets annoying for dh. She likes to bang stainless steel bowls everywhere and make loud sounds, rip up books, throw rice on the floor, etc. She screams when bathed, but wants to play at the outdoor tap when it's chilly out. When I read your dd mellowed at 17 months, I got very hopeful! :)
Remember that these crazy moments are the stuff of good "when YOU were a baby..." stories. It's something that you will look back and laugh at...now instead of letting myself get frustrated about things, i pull out the camera 
And yes, if you aren't used to being around kids, it can be pretty shocking.
This is such a positive attitude! I am going to try harder to practice this :)
Remember that these crazy moments are the stuff of good "when YOU were a baby..." stories. It's something that you will look back and laugh at...now instead of letting myself get frustrated about things, i pull out the camera And yes, if you aren't used to being around kids, it can be pretty shocking.
. He gets a firm no. If he does it again (which he usually does) he gets a swift slap on the hand. He cries for 2 seconds and then doesn't do it again.
Hi Shanesmom,
Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm learning how tough it is to simply ignore her screaming. (Sometimes I want to scream back...)
Yes, my daughter understands 'no' but not why. So she screams in protest. She knows when she's not supposed to do something. For example, before putting a rock in her mouth, she glances up at us first, as if to test us.
I'm torn between giving her attention and ignoring her tantrums. I find I'm not consistent in my reaction. Sometimes I can easily ignore her and she will wear herself out screaming. My dh is not as patient, however, and sometimes he snaps at her to be quiet. Half the time, it's because the screaming is annoying that we give her attention to stop her. I cuddle and nurse her if she's crying from a fall or something, but not if she's screaming because I won't let her throw rice all over the floor. I still don't know how to stop her from doing things like that, because so far NO, DONT DO THAT hasn't changed a thing.
The few times I've sort of slapped her hand or bum for something (can't remember what for now but I'd gotten angry), she found it so funny she wanted me to do it again.
I just find it difficult to keep saying no. She doesn't understand why we don't want her to draw on the walls and our clothes. So we either remove the markers or just be okay with it (got washable markers now and avoid nice clothes). Because she's able to reach up the table, we move everything up higher to where she can't reach. Otherwise, she will reach up and pull things on the shelves no matter how many times we say no. Maybe I'm not being firm enough when I say no?
Part of this may be her personality as well. She's a feisty, loud, and demanding child. It's neat for me to see this as I'm the complete opposite, and want my daughter to be strong and assertive.
I'm still trying to figure out the best ways to handle this. This is my first experience with toddlers!
. He gets a firm no. If he does it again (which he usually does) he gets a swift slap on the hand. He cries for 2 seconds and then doesn't do it again.I use the shock factor and try to make the same tone as my son. Soon enough hes quieted down making weird little noises to see if I will copy those too. I am hoping this works forever.
I dunno, I guess I have a different philosophy here, but I don't consider training my two year old like a dog to be a positive thing. I want to help him being to navigate situations because he understands why something is right or wrong, and not have to look to me every time. I want him to understand why climbing the dressers is dangerous so that he doesn't do it, even when my back is turned. My son doesn't get that understanding from being trained. In fact in the few situations I tried that, it backfired since he knew that I would spend time trying to get him away from something, so if he wanted my attention, he would go straight for that thing...or what he thought that thing was, which showed that he really didn't understand what the issue was. Toddlers CAN understand "why", they just won't understand our explanations...because our reasoning comes from experience, and for them to understand, they need to learn from experience as well. (within reason, obviously).
I respect the PP's mentioning that you don't want to break your child's spirit, I just feel like if your child is surrounded by things that they aren't allowed to investigate, so are always being told "no", doesn't that sort of happen anyway? i mean, it's your toddler's job to explore the world around them, and by telling them "no", they may feel ashamed or like they are "bad" for continually disappointing you. not to mention that it's not an enjoyable way to live for anyone. giving your children age appropriate toys to learn the lessons they need to apply to the world around them seems like a better fit, in my opinion. DS knows that he shouldn't touch certain things I have on display because they might get broken. He knows what broken means because I let him throw and break one of his toys...and he can and does apply that knowledge now.
As for the tantrums, I don't understand the leap people make, that if you aren't completely ignoring your child when they tantrum that the child is being coddled. I don't give in, I don't make compromises, "no" means "no". That being said, I want my kid to learn how to regulate, not repress, his emotions. To do that he needs to know what they are, and that they are valid. again, kids don't have the wealth of experiences to know that what you just "did to them" is not a big deal...to them it is. and to make them feel guilty or alone about having those very normal emotions, i think does an injustice. And if my kid wants a hug when it's all over, so what? he gets to know that i am there for him. remember we are talking about 1 and 2 year olds here. will they at some point test you to see if those tantrums can get them something? of course, but if you are consistent in your reactions, they will learn that it won't, regardless of if you have validated that their desires are normal, but just not going to happen at this time.
Yes, your 15 month old is on a rampage to learn how to exert control on the world around her, but you get to decide how to create the boundaries. I think that we as adults can be quick to dole out restrictions or punishments because of our fear of loosing control. Sometimes being in control is learning to let someone else take the reigns long enough for them to realize that they need your guidance. Which in a toddler, doesn't take much. usually. Life is short, childhood is shorter. I prefer a more lighthearted approach to things for sure, but if I can help my kid enjoy life's lessons, then I also live a more fulfilled life.
I think what would help you a LOT through this stage is to have a really good understanding of what life is like from her perspective. A little empathy will go a long way towards making you a happy parent, and thereby making a happy home.
You're right that the anger from being told "no" is stemming from a lack of understanding *why* they can't have or do that thing they so desperately want. But imagine for a moment how the situation looks from her perspective - toddlers live in the moment, they feel intensely. In that moment, putting a rock in her mouth will seem to her like the most important thing in the world, from which she will derive ultimate pleasure. It's an enviably simplistic, hedonistic state of being that they live in. Now to be denied that pleasure, and to not be able to understand why! That sure seems worthy of a tantrum, to me. I imagine all of those moments where I have *just* sat down from doing housework while my son is sleeping, cup of hot tea in hand, ready to finally relax and enjoy some time to myself, only to hear him start to wake up the second my butt hits the sofa. I am not ashamed to admit that I have cried in those situations! I also imagine what it would be like if I reached for my secret chocolate stash, only to have my husband take it from my hand and say, "No." I would RAGE on him - and that's what a child in the middle of a tantrum is going through, only in a pure, uninhibited, completely authentic manner.
Toddlers don't possess the verbal skills to express their emotions, and the result is an overflow of emotion that we see as a tantrum. It isn't a bad thing. It's annoying, it's embarrassing when it happens in public, it's frustrating because you probably don't see what the big deal is, but they are dealing with big, scary emotions and they need help to get through it. They need your calm presence, and when the storm passes they need for you to help them process it, to teach them the verbal skills and coping strategies that will help them next time (for an older child, obviously not a 14 month old!).
Tantrums are real emotions; it isn't bad behavior. It's developmentally normal, and I don't think children should be punished (and yes, I think that ignoring them is a punishment) for simply acting their age. To assist your child through these rough moments doesn't teach her that tantrums get her attention, it teaches her that you will help her through the rough times. Children who are empathized with are more likely to show empathy themselves.
It's a real shame that so many people have such a negative view of children - that they are manipulative, coercive, trouble-seeking brats, and without proper discipline they will become horrible selfish monsters. I have the opposite point of view - I think that trying to manipulate their behavior (through rewards and punishments) contributes to self-centeredness as adults (keeping in mind that young children are, by nature, self-centered); I think that modeling appropriate behavior is the most powerful parenting tool in your arsenal; I think that empathy and the golden rule will get you far; and I think that a lot of kids turn out well *in spite of* their upbringing, rather than because of it.
OP, two books that you might find helpful to understand what's going on in your little one's brain are The Emotional Life of a Toddler and Unconditional Parenting. Happy parenting, and welcome to toddlerhood!
Oh...if you were referring to me, I'm not offended and took nothing personally. I do have a very different parenting philosophy, which I tried to express in my post. I do think it's a shame that children, generally speaking, are seen as manipulative and bad by nature. But there are as many different ways to parent as there are parents, and everyone has to figure out for themselves how they go about it.
I'm sure you're familiar with MDC enough to know that corporal punishment is not condoned. Perhaps that is why you haven't been finding much support on these threads. I think in the Gentle Discipline section there is a long, enlightening thread titled "Why no spanking."
I appreciate hearing your point of view in this, Shanesmom. It's something I consider when I really don't know what to do, and wonder if perhaps being strict and firm is the best way to go.
My daughter is difficult to 'train'. I once took her to a playgroup when she was younger, and she completely rebelled against the instructor and the structured games. She would not climb the stairs at that moment because she saw no reason to, even though she can climb stairs just fine when it suits her. She was the only baby who would throw tantrums and refuse, and was considered the problem child. I didn't see any point in forcing her, but the instructor (and she has been doing this playgroup for 15 years) says I need to 'break' her early or else she'll have trouble in school. My mother says the same thing whenever she witnesses dd's defiance. Which is pretty often, lol.
So I think the best way is to allow her to explore safely. I find it unfair to keep saying 'no' to her, it's not her fault the house is like this. I was raised to obey elders and authority, and while I turned out fine (for the most part!) and was always praised for obedience, I'm distant from my mother and do remember resenting her a lot while growing up.
I do wonder if I can prevent the tantrums by changing the situation, or if that's just part of this stage, and she will scream no matter what I do?
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