gentle responses to 12 year old DD hating me - Page 2

[Kaydove]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

Walk away . Take a break from the situation. Not have people in my life who treat me badly.

My husband and I have "rules for fair fighting" that include only fighting about the issue at hand and NO personal attacks.

Do you tell your children you hate them when you are frustrated with them?

THIS!
My DH and I don't push each other to the breaking point. We swear but I don't allow swearing at each other or even flipping each other off, this includes 'I hate you'. We also believe that once you speak words, you can never take them back. More of spiritual believe but it governs what I say, however I've always been one to think about what I say before I say it since I tend to stutter when stressed, so not saying something I'd regret comes easy to me. My DH is more one to say things without thinking but he still has never said I hate you or sworn at me. We disagree all the time and get annoyed with each other but we don't fight mean.

[pek64]

I've thought about this some more, and talked about it with my son. We both think it's better to acknowledge her feelings, and respond with something like "I understand you're upset/frustrated/annoyed. So am I." Then you can decide if you need to be away from each other for a bit. Expressing feelings should be allowed. Hate is a feeling. And when talking about two people, it is not the opposite of love. Indifference is the opposite of love. Hate is a combination of hurt, anger and or frustration. (I am not talking about prejudice.)

[k x s]

I really recommend you read this book 'my teenage werewolf' its by lauren kessler I think. It was so illuminating.

To be honest the times I felt worst about what I said to my parents was the times they cried. I immediately felt disgusted with myself. Being slapped however never worked on me. I would use it as an excuse to cry loudly to annoy them and I got a perverse satisfaction out of watching them lose their self control too.

I think the best strategy is not to react with something that makes the conversation continue like saying something like 'I don't want to talk to you anymore' isn't going to stop your 13 year old from continuing to badger you. You may not want to talk but they certainly want to continue to tell you. Maybe something more decisive like 'You're really angry and you're taking it out on me. I know you want to hurt me but that's not going to get me to change my mind about what i've said.

[Kaydove]

Originally Posted by pek64 

I've thought about this some more, and talked about it with my son. We both think it's better to acknowledge her feelings, and respond with something like "I understand you're upset/frustrated/annoyed. So am I." Then you can decide if you need to be away from each other for a bit. Expressing feelings should be allowed. Hate is a feeling. And when talking about two people, it is not the opposite of love. Indifference is the opposite of love. Hate is a combination of hurt, anger and or frustration. (I am not talking about prejudice.)

I thought your definition of hate was really interesting and is making me think about my own hang ups with the word. I'm certain my mother passed on her hang up of the word hate to me, and I'm not certain where that came from for her. 

Sorry to get off topic. I do think you should start a thread on the word hate. Not sure where though.

[mamarhu]

Originally Posted by Kaydove 

I don't have a teenager but seeing this thread reminded me of this blog I read. http://m.xojane.com/family/first-time-daughter-i-hate-you
Mother got her 15 year old a cake for the first time she said I hate you to her. I liked her take on it. Please read the post before you reply, I would summarize it better but my arm is falling asleep typing on my Kindle .
Sent from my Kindle Fire using Tapatalk 2

I really like this. The Mom totally defused the situation (with humor, my family's preferred method), while acknowledging the kid's feelings. Maybe I have grown a thick skin through some rough times with therapeutic foster kids as well as the bios, but really, "I hate you" isn't that hurtful to me. Like several folks above said, it is an expression of anger, not a summation of deep, lasting, lifetime emotions.