I know there are other women with loss history here...are any of you struggling?
It drives me nuts when people say, "just be positive" because I've been there, done that, still lost the babies, and it hurts worse...so I feel like being hesitant about things sort of protects my heart. I admit that it doesn't allow me to have the faith and trust in God that I should, and I'm working on that, but still...it's so hard.
I feel like only an u/s would show me that my baby is alive right now, yet for some reason I am putting of going to the OB (just pushed my appointment from today back 2 more weeks). But I can't pick up a HB yet, and while I know it's still fairly early (9w today), I've picked it up within this week at the latest with all my healthy babies, and not hearing it yet just feels like deja vu with my missed miscarriage last year at this time.
I've just had such a variety of losses over the 7 that I've had, that it feels there is nothing to take comfort in. Like for example, no blood doesn't necessarily mean anything positive to me anymore! Doesn't mean my baby is alive.
I thought that being pregnant would help a LITTLE with the bitterness and jealousy that comes from my grief of 5 of my losses being in the last 18 months, but instead it almost feels worse...like here I am, thinking I'm pregnant when who really knows, and it's like I'm hanging by a thread, and still my friends who get pregnant whenever they want (and whine when they can't get pregnant within the first 12 months again..though it tends to happen immediately after said whine fest) without any struggle are announcing BFP's right and left and it scares me to once again think of being the one backing out. I HATE HATE HATE not being able to be happy for people, and I wish I could take some comfort in my own pregnancy to allow myself that, but it's not seeming to work out as I'd assumed.
Sorry to be such a downer. I've just been struggling lately and hopefully somebody can relate.