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Is anybody else struggling?

post #1 of 7
Thread Starter 

I know there are other women with loss history here...are any of you struggling? 


It drives me nuts when people say, "just be positive" because I've been there, done that, still lost the babies, and it hurts worse...so I feel like being hesitant about things sort of protects my heart.  I admit that it doesn't allow me to have the faith and trust in God that I should, and I'm working on that, but still...it's so hard.

 

I feel like only an u/s would show me that my baby is alive right now, yet for some reason I am putting of going to the OB (just pushed my appointment from today back 2 more weeks).  But I can't pick up a HB yet, and while I know it's still fairly early (9w today), I've picked it up within this week at the latest with all my healthy babies, and not hearing it yet just feels like deja vu with my missed miscarriage last year at this time.

 

I've just had such a variety of losses over the 7 that I've had, that it feels there is nothing to take comfort in. Like for example, no blood doesn't necessarily mean anything positive to me anymore!  Doesn't mean my baby is alive.

 

I thought that being pregnant would help a LITTLE with the bitterness and jealousy that comes from my grief of 5 of my losses being in the last 18 months, but instead it almost feels worse...like here I am, thinking I'm pregnant when who really knows, and it's like I'm hanging by a thread, and still my friends who get pregnant whenever they want (and whine when they can't get pregnant within the first 12 months again..though it tends to happen immediately after said whine fest) without any struggle are announcing BFP's right and left and it scares me to once again think of being the one backing out.  I HATE HATE HATE not being able to be happy for people, and I wish I could take some comfort in my own pregnancy to allow myself that, but it's not seeming to work out as I'd assumed. 

 

Sorry to be such a downer.  I've just been struggling lately and hopefully somebody can relate.

post #2 of 7
Yes! Exactly! Everything!
Can't be excited, or positive - the innocence is gone. Just gone.
I sometimes want to punch people
When they tell me, "oh just relax". Sure. That's the answer right?
Anyhow, I totally get where you're coming from my dear. <3
post #3 of 7

Yes. I am struggling too. My only consolation is that I have been feeling miserable, so hopefully that means everything is fine. I am scheduled for an ultrasound next week.... 

 

I am envious of people that have never had a loss. It actually blows my mind. I know women that have had 5+ children without a single loss. That seems so strange to me. It seems strange that they can get pregnant and automatically assume they will be holding a newborn in 9 months. The thought never occurs to them that a positive test doesn't necessarily mean a newborn baby.

 

Both of my losses were first trimester, so I do tend to settle down once I reach the 12-13 week point. Last year I had a friend who went through a 12 week loss, followed by a stillbirth, followed by another early loss. Stillbirth never entered my mind before, but now.... 

 

Here's hoping that we ALL have healthy babies in April! 

post #4 of 7

Right here with you. I had three beautiful healthy daughters. Perfect pregnancies, great births at home. Then my 4th pregnancy came. Everything was going along fine until my 20 week appointment. My midwife could not find a heartbeat. We did an ultrasound, my first one since my very first baby. We saw that my daughter was gone. With the blessings of my midwifes back up OB we went home and waited for her to be born. She came two weeks later. I never thought in a million years that would happen to me. I was the woman that didn't have miscarriages. That just never happened to me and wouldn't because I was healthy and my body knew how to grow babies. That innocene was gone in seconds. Now I am pregnant again. I didn't want to be pregnant again. This was not planned. I was not emotionally ready to go through pregnancy again. We went away for our anniversary in July, we practiced safe sex. I never thought I would end up pregnant. I was shocked two weeks later when I found out I was. I think I am still in shock. I have not been to a prenatal with my midwife yet. I'm scared to go. Scared she won't be able to find a heartbeat. And even if she does what about at that 20 week appointment? I wish I was still naive.

post #5 of 7
Yes! I had 2 m/c 6 years ago and they were followed by yrs of infertility treatments and finally giving up on ever being pregnant. Ad in august I found myself pregnant! Totally shocked! Every appt I've had I've been convinced before we go that something will be wrong... But so far so good... I'm 12 weeks today and thought that would take some pressure off but my dear friend lost her son in January at 16 weeks... So now I'm terrified for that!

We have only told our immediate family and my DH grandmother hugged me and said "let's hold on to this one, ok?" she didn't mean to be rude but OMG! Like I didnt want to "hold onto" the other ones!?!?!

I'm very excited abt this baby but I feel like I'm keeping my distance... My DH will rub my stomach and it just makes me uncomfortable... I do love this baby so much already but Im also afraid to love he/she too much... Idk I just wish I cld fast forward to Christmas. By then I'll surely be able to enjoy this? I sure hope so.

I pray come April we all have beautiful healthy babies!
post #6 of 7

I'm having a hard time too, and it just breaks my heart reading all of these posts. No matter what you believe, it seems like it should be obvious to know that God LOVES life- all life, down to the littlest, newest one. I know this and I know He loves me, and He has control over all things- but I don't know why He creates life and then allows it to be taken away. I don't think I will have an answer for that one til I am gone from this world. So even though I KNOW in my head I should trust God, I feel like in my heart I am failing to do it. I lost two babies this year and this third baby has my full attention. I love him/her so much already and I am so scared that I will have to say goodbye to this one, too. I am at 10 weeks and that's the farthest I've gone. We get to hear the HB at our first appt next week, 11 weeks. Getting to that appointment has been my goal...but I know it won't totally give me peace. A dear friend told me that she lost a baby at 10.5 weeks this summer, and didn't tell me because she knew it would upset me. I feel terrible that my lack of faith, and my grieving over my two babies, made me unavailable to her. The thing is- when does it get easier? If I don't learn to trust God with our preborn children, how will I trust him even when this baby is born? When they are 6? 16? 26? The truth is, they were never really mine, this one isn't really mine. He/she  is God's, I am God's. I pray that He blesses us with a child that we can hold and love and train up to love Him. But even then, they are just on loan. These are my thoughts, just what I have been thinking lately. I really do pray that we will all meet our beautiful, healthy babies in the spring...and in the mean time, learn to trust and find peace in the fact that today, TODAY, we are growing new life. And that really is something to be thankful for.  

post #7 of 7
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrsavery View Post

I'm having a hard time too, and it just breaks my heart reading all of these posts. No matter what you believe, it seems like it should be obvious to know that God LOVES life- all life, down to the littlest, newest one. I know this and I know He loves me, and He has control over all things- but I don't know why He creates life and then allows it to be taken away. I don't think I will have an answer for that one til I am gone from this world. So even though I KNOW in my head I should trust God, I feel like in my heart I am failing to do it. I lost two babies this year and this third baby has my full attention. I love him/her so much already and I am so scared that I will have to say goodbye to this one, too. I am at 10 weeks and that's the farthest I've gone. We get to hear the HB at our first appt next week, 11 weeks. Getting to that appointment has been my goal...but I know it won't totally give me peace. A dear friend told me that she lost a baby at 10.5 weeks this summer, and didn't tell me because she knew it would upset me. I feel terrible that my lack of faith, and my grieving over my two babies, made me unavailable to her. The thing is- when does it get easier? If I don't learn to trust God with our preborn children, how will I trust him even when this baby is born? When they are 6? 16? 26? The truth is, they were never really mine, this one isn't really mine. He/she  is God's, I am God's. I pray that He blesses us with a child that we can hold and love and train up to love Him. But even then, they are just on loan. These are my thoughts, just what I have been thinking lately. I really do pray that we will all meet our beautiful, healthy babies in the spring...and in the mean time, learn to trust and find peace in the fact that today, TODAY, we are growing new life. And that really is something to be thankful for.  

This was beautiful! Made me cry! You are SO right! TODAY we are carrying LIFE! And I'm going to do my best to enjoy and be thankful for each day... All the while praying this is our "bring home" baby!
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