It's been almost 8 months...

[ksjhwkr]

Almost 8 months since my baby girl died. On May 2 she will have been gone longer than she was here. I don't like that, not one bit. I don't like that the world has continued on without her. I want everyone I meet to know about my special angel. Emma was such a happy girl. She honestly only cried when she was hungry, tired or poopy. I could fix all of that. I wish I could fix this. I wish she were still here. It just hurts.
I am 31 weeks pregnant today. That is hard. I am scared for this baby. I have such a hard time believing that this child will live. I can't imagine a baby that lives past 8 months 8 days. I have a hard time planning for this child. I love this baby so much already, s/he is such a miracle. I got pregnant one month after Emma had died. My cycles hadn't returned, I was nursing Em when she died. I miss that so much. I miss nursing, I miss the closeness of being a Mom. I just miss being a Mom. I feel this new life inside of me and can't believe that I will get to do all of this again.
So much grief, so much hurt, so much confusion. So much anticipation, so much joy, so much just missing my baby and looking forward to meeting her new brother or sister.
If you want to see Emma's pictures, go to: www.babiesonline.com/babies/e/emmajoyce That is my baby girl. She is happy. I feel her so close to me so often, but I just wish she were here physically. I miss her. I miss my life. I just want my life back.

[gossamer]

Dear Kim,
I am sorry for your loss. These past 8 months must have been so hard for you, but please know that I have not forgotten you little angel. I remember your first post about her, and she has been on my mind and you have been in my prayers ever since. Again, all I can say is how increadibly sorry I am, anything else seems trite.
Gossamer

[corrie43]

I'm so sorry for your loss, I read your first post and visited your web page. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling. Corrie

[applejuice]

I have had many losses in my life, but G-d has spared me this one loss.

I will pray that you will find strength from this experience to be a mother to your new one.

I child who loses parents is an orphan; a spouse who loses the other spouse is a widow(er). There is not even a word in our language for a parent who loses a child, the loss is so very great!

I am very sorry for your loss.

[ksjhwkr]

Thank you so much. You're right there is no word for it. People don't want to admit that it happens. It's almost like I am saying a bad word when I tell people that my daughter died. It's really sad, and so hard for the parents.

[goodcents]

Dear Kim,
First, I am so sorry. I read your original post when you first lost Emma, and I still think of you and her often. In fact just this past weekend I was thinking of you, and thus the reason I stopped by this forum today. I don't think it was an accident.

I thought of you when I read an article in Rolling Stone magazine about this pediatrician Melvin Morse. He studies near death experiences in children. It is very interesting;you can view his site here .

Basically his point is that children dont have the cultural baggage and influences of "i went down a tunnel and came to see light" - yet this is exactly what these children experience.

I think you will find the children's stories about Jesus inspiring and comforting, I seem to recall you are a morman.

You are never far from the hearts and minds of mommas here. I wish you so much love and success with new baby!


***ETA*** Check out the downloads section about Why Doesnt Jesus Give all the Children Back

Frank Oski, one of my professors at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, had a dream, when he asked that very question after one of his patients died very young. Oski was the Dean of American Pediatricians.

A woman in white came to his bed and told him that every child's life is important and has meaning, no matter how short that life is. He was told that children who die at an early age know secrets of living that the rest of us never learn. From those children who do come back, we learn what dying is like.

[lisamarie]

i have thought of you so many times since i first heard about the loss of your dd and saw her pictures. my heart goes out to you. this first year is the toughest too, so many firsts of everything. grief can be so overwhelming and it can take a long time to heal your heart, but we never forget them and how they touched our lives forever.

please continue to write here if you feel comfortable. we are here to listen, hug and to support you. sometimes just being "heard" can be soothing while you are in the depths grieving.

hugs~

lisa

[Ms. Mom]

Kim, I'm so glad you're here. You going through some VERY heavy thoughts and emotions right now. It's VERY natural that you would feel as you do.

What happend to Emma and your family is not something any parent expects or can be prepaired for. you've been shaken deeply to the core and it's going to be very difficult to trust again.

Have you found anything soothing you can do when you feel the anxiety rising? I've always found journaling helpful. This may be a good way to keep track your thoughts and feelings.

I just viewed Emma's page - what an amazinly beautiful child! I'm teary eyed to now to think of how lonely you must be without her

[Gemini]

I can't imagine your pain. I had an infant loss, but looking at your pictures of your beautiful, smiling Emma, I just can't bring myself to imagine your sadness, emptiness.

I do remember life continuing on as nothing happened af my Chloe died being so dang hard.

Take good care of yourself and that little one inside you.

[ksjhwkr]

I hate that life goes on without her. I want everyone to stop and remember her, to realize the world has lost such a special soul. I know I am not the first parent to feel this way, and sadly I will not be the last. *sigh* It all just sucks, for lack of a better word.

[Mom4tot]

I am so sorry Kim. Emma is just beautiful.

[Tracy]

I too remembered your posting about Emma. My heart broke into a thousand pieces. Emma's pictures show a happy, loving, goo-ey baby..my favorite. That love that I see is your mommy hard work manifested in your baby girl. I am so happy you are having another baby in June. Congrats on the new baby and yes Emma is appreciated by all of us here and I'm sure in real life. She is not forgotten.

[spero]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Those kinds of anniversaries are so very difficult. I pray that your new baby will bring you much joy, and peace in your heart.

[joesmom]

kim, she is beautiful, she looks so happy in every picture. many people grow to adulthood without experiencing the amount of joy i can see in emma's eyes. i cannot imagine your grief.

[ksjhwkr]

Thank you Jenny. You are right, she was a VERY happy baby. I think it is so ironic that I told Jeremy, many times, that I hoped she'd always be that happy. Now she is guaranteed that. It just hurts to no end. I am getting more and more scared about this baby being here. If this baby is anything like Emma, s/he could be here in 5 weeks. I just don't know if I'm ready. I'm doing a lot of work to get ready though. Anyway, thank you so much for your kind words...she is beautiful, my beautiful daughter, the light of my life...

[Ms. Mom]

It's only natural that you don't feel ready and that you're scared Please feel free to come here and talk all you need to if it helps.

Do you by chance keep a journal? Many people find that helpful to keep in touch with their feelings. You may find that keeps you from feeling anxious at times.

You're deep in my thoughts right now.

[ksjhwkr]

Thank you Jacque. I do keep a journal. I write to Emma in it. That has helped a lot. I know that I need to deal with these emotions and issues as they arise...otherwise it will really impede my labor progress. I don't want to have to stop in the middle of my labor to process and deal with too much. I know that things will arise as I am laboring and getting closer to meeting this new baby, but I really want to deal with as much as I can beforehand. Does that make any sense? I will write more in my journal, I do need to do that. Thank you for the suggestion.

[Kerrie]

Kim- I don't know why I stopped in here but when reading your post and looking at the picture of your amazing and beautiful angel, I had to reply. I am so sorry for your loss and the world's loss of such an amazing person. You and your family are in my thoughts.

[ksjhwkr]

Thank you so much Kerrie. It makes me feel so good when people realize the world has lost an amazing person. Hold your little ones close for me. When you nurse Trey, think of me for a minute. I miss nursing Emma so much. I can't wait to do it again with this new little bug!

[rainbow dancer]

I just saw the pictures of your beautiful angel - my heart goes aout to you..... The world has been and is a more beautiful place because your Emma was here, if only for a short while. I feel so much love from you to her and from that little face out to the world. No one can ever take that unique place. But I am sooo happy for you for the new life in your womb!
Much love to you
Margaret