Sleep Rant, Partner Rant « Back to Group Discussions

[Aletheia]

Some of you may remember that my biggest fear about having a baby was the lack of sleep.  DS1 and 2 were both very, well, limited sleepers, sleeping about 2 hours at a time from birth.  It sucked.  It was seriously terrible, terrible, terrible.  I was constantly irritated with my husband for no reason, unable to make decisions, foggy minded all day, and most of my memories of their babyhoods involve a coloring of anxiety and desperation.  We were thinking of adopting another baby of 1 or older when Mo came along unexpectedly, in no small part because we hoped to avoid the first year since I didn't like it very much.

Until 1 week ago, he has been a champion sleeper at night, and a consistent napper by day.  For the past month or so, he's been sleeping through from 11 until 6 or 7.  He has not settled well until 11, though, even though we try to put him down at 7.  So I've been sleeping from about 11:15 until 6 or 7.  That's been just enough for me to feel pretty rested.  But 1 week ago, that all went down the drain.  I think this must be the true 4/5 month sleep regression for us.  But it's awful.  For all the obvious reasons.  

But it makes me so amazingly cranky at my husband, too.  Not that he's not trying to help.  He's in there right now dealing with a screaming, exhausted baby.  But I can't help but feel that it's ultimately my responsibility.  And I'm the one reading the books (while he watches old episodes of The West Wing.) It just seems unfair.  

Part of the reason is that DH recently said he doesn't want any more children.  And I do.  Even though this sucks right now, I do want another one.  I want four.  A nice, even number so that Mo doesn't feel like the odd man out.  So on top of the stress of dealing with a non-sleeping baby, I've given myself the stress of feeling like if I can't get Mo's sleeping issues under control, or at least my reaction to them, then DH won't possibly agree to more children.  I am suffering from emotional censorship.

Anyway.  I am a very cranky mama right now (in case you missed it) and I feel so resentful of our good friends who have a baby 2 months older who sleeps from 7 to 7.  I have tried so hard to do everything right.  I worked to not nurse to sleep, and now I can't count on nursing to sleep when everything else fails.  I researched schedules and have followed one very happily, though it has meant some sacrifices in flexibility in the rest of my life.  But if it was all for naught and I'm looking at another 2 years of every 2 hours, I seriously will be beside myself.  

Rant over.  For now.

[chiromama01]

Big hugs mama. So sorry ur having such a hard time. it must be so difficult to keep your emotions in check while u are so tired. My kids aren't great sleepers so I dont have much advice, other than to suggest a good swaddle blanket. That has made a big difference for us. Wouldit be possiblew for u to nap during the day? I hope u get some rest soon!

[CarlyVHT]

I'm the last one who should give advice, because I've never had good sleepers. DD was waking every 2 hours until 2, and didn't STTN until she weaned at 2.5.

I thought DS was going to be a great sleeper because at around 2 months, he was sleeping a 5 hour stretch at night which I thought was just amazing. That ended a little over a month ago and we've been doing the 2 hour stretches since - and 2 hours is a "good" stretch. DS is sick and it is nights like last that I think I could never do this again - it is just too hard, these baby days. Both kids coughing. Wondering how we will ever make it through this winter and make it to work with kids getting sick so much. DH was sleeping soundly while I was up for 2 hours with the baby last night - it was infuriating. Baby wants me in the MOTN, so I don't know what I expect DH to do, but it is just so hard to be tired and up and knowing I need to get through work the next day.

Everyone I know with "good" sleepers either does CIO or strict scheduling. I don't do either and won't. As much as I'd love a baby who STTN, I don't believe that schedules or CIO are healthy or developmentally appropriate for babies and I believe that waking often actually is normal and healthy, even if it does suck. It has helped me this time, somewhat, to remember that and to remind myself that they DO sleep and sleep well eventually and that in hindsight, this time period is short. It helps me to remember that this is normal and that getting babies to sleep long streches isn't realy biologically normal. That all being said, I DO understand the importance of you yourself being well rested so you can take care of your family.

I guess my only advice, because I haven't won this battle yet either, is to ride it out. Not a good answer but it's all I've got.

[Aletheia]

Thanks, both.  Having some replies here is really helpful.

I think part of the problem is that since DH has *NOT* researched baby sleep and talked to as many other parents of babes as I have... or rather, not the same sorts of parents as I have.  He sees a lot of babies and their parents-- he is a family doctor.  And I think lots of those parents lie to him just like I have lied to my doctors in the past.  "Yes!  Baby sleeps fine."  THat basically is what I say to say, "listen, you have no business to be asking that question.  You are not in a position to advise me as to how to get my child to sleep more like an adult."  

I think DH thinks everyone else's babies sleep better than ours do, and that therefore it is likely my fault, or the fault of my parenting approach.  

Carly, thanks for the mention of CIO.  I just need to remember that, as awful as dealing with a tired, cranky baby is, it is still what I am CHOOSING to do- because I am choosing NOT to have my babe CIO all by himself in the bedroom.  If I can remember to see it as a choice, I'll be better off.  And you are right-- after 2 years old, my boys are champion sleepers, and we rarely have any difficulty with nightmares or them wandering into our bed in th emiddle of the night.  

The book I mentioned earlier-- A Good Night's Sleep, by Anna Wahlgren?  It does have a convincing argument, though.  It says that your baby is asking you whether or not it is safe to keep sleeping, or whether he is going to be eaten up by a wild animal.  That is why he wakes, in her opinion, and it is the parent's job to communicate that his sleeping area is indeed safe and secure.  That makes a lot of sense to me.  I can't otherwise understand why, from an evolutionary standpoint, babies would wake so frequently at night.  What she says is that the parent who picks up that baby is at risk of communicating to the baby that they were indeed unsafe where they lay, and that the parent is now saving the baby by protecting him with her body.  This heightens the babe's anxiety, in her opinion, instead of alleviating it.  

I think I buy all of that.  

But where it gets tricky is that I'm not sure I like her prescription for what to do instead. 

More later...

[CarlyVHT]

I agree that babies wake at night because from a biological standpoint, it is a defence mechanism against being eaten by a predator. I have heard that argument from most of the "smart" experts I know of (online) and it makes sense to me. I don't buy that leaving the baby alone in the crib is the right answer ... every baby I know will cry in response to that, and an infant crying in the wilderness draws attention to predators and makes them more vulnerable. Mammalian babies in the wild don't cry like human babies do ... because they sleep with their Moms. When they wake in the night, Mom pulls them close, they latch on, whatever, and drift back to sleep. That is the most biologically normal approach, IMO.

I agree with you that your DH's patients are lying to him. I respond the same way when Drs ask me that question because I don't want to hear their advice, which is probably to let baby cry or that I need to get them out of my bed, or whatever.

[lalazap]

Oh mamas I am there with you!

We've had some rough nights lately when I've been really struggling to find my higher self. I'm irritated with the baby and irritated with DP no matter what he does. I can still usually find some love for him during the daytime hours but wow is it ever different in the middle of the night.:

- if he stays sleeping while she and I are awake then I'm mad

- if he wakes up and looks over at us when she cries then I'm sure that he is mad at me for not shutting her up faster, and I'm mad about that

- if he asks if I need help then I'm mad that he is judging me as not being a good mother

- if he stirs in his sleep when I've just gotten her settled I'm worried he'll wake her up and then I'm mad about that

- if he adjusts the blankets at all then I'm mad about that and snatch them back angrily ...

Last night we decided that he was going to sleep in the spare room and leave me and DD in the king bed + sidecar. In theory with this arrangement, I will feel less conscious of disrupting his sleep so will be less frantic about the routine night wakings and more able to ask for help when I truly need it, and he will be better rested and able to take her in the mornings while he gets ready for work so I can have a solo sleep-in and she can have a consistent wake up time. She and I actually had quite a good night together (sleep stretches of 3.5h+1h+2h+2.5h with pretty short waketimes between sleeps - gah, is that really what I consider a good night?!) and overall I think it's a good plan for us for now ... except after this morning I need to have a talking-to with him to say that it is not acceptable for His Chipperness to bring her back to the bedroom during my solo sleep-in time so that he can put his laundry away and in doing so dump his clean laundry on the bed ON TOP OF ME. What the *%& was he thinking? To top it off as he was leaving he has the nerve to say "wow, it's amazing how much better I feel after a good night's sleep" 

Argh!!

Aletheia, do you think Mo's elimination needs are disrupting his sleep at all? I've been wondering if E's wakings are pee-related and have been thinking that with EC maybe I've just signed myself up for interrupted sleep until she can hold it all night. I keep meaning to post in our EC thread about it.

I'm sorry it's hard for everyone, but as always it is good to hear that I'm not alone in the night-time crazy. The past couple of nights at bedtime I've had a cup of Sleepytime tea with a dropperful of motherwort tincture, 2 calcium magnesium tablets and 2 evening primrose oil capsules to try to smooth out my rough mood a bit. I think it might be helping somewhat; if nothing else the ritual of taking it all is a good opportunity for me to mentally re-commit to patience and love during my nighttime parenting (and partnering).

[Ravensong13]

I'm glad to hear that not everyone's babies are 'perfect' sleepers. We've been dealing with the early morning build up to a big poo. Wulfie squirms and thrashes until he finally goes and then can't fall back asleep after even though he really wants to. So anywhere from 4-6 I'm up and pacing in the living room with him in the ergo until he falls asleep. He won't fall asleep for anyone but me at night so we've fallen into a pattern of me handling the nights and dh handling some days. Far from perfect, but it works for now. I keep telling myself that this is normal and healthy and he'll eventually grow to sleep longer periods. Not too helpful was my in-laws suggestion that we let him cio so that they can help put him to sleep Not sure how that makes sense in any way! 

[Aletheia]

lala, your list of Reasons to Be Peeved At Partner is just hilarious.  Because it is so true.  Poor DH.  There are nights where there just is no right way to be.  And the thing is, I recognize that, and it just makes me more p*ssed off.  :)

As for EC and nighttime-- we definitely had the whole "wake to pee, nurse to sleep" vicious cycle going with the first two kids.  This was the main reason I was really invested in not letting this baby nurse to sleep every time, as I did the other boys.  By and large, it's worked wonders.  I think too the schedule we've kept has in fact helped organize his body a bit more so that it knows when it is nighttime-- he is drier through the night than the others were at this age for sure.  But that could be also just who he is.  

Carly-- your observations about mammalian babies in the wild are reaffirming, and that's where I ended up with my thoughts at the end of my last post, above.  I got to thinking... hmm, if he is suddenly more attuned to survival anxiety, and is waking because of that, following the ritualistic advice of Anna Wahlgrem may not be the only way.  Instead, I could... well, I could just *be there.*  :)  Such a simple approach, but here is how it has worked last night and tonight, and I feel it has worked.

7pm: he goes down

7:20: I make sure I am in bed by this time too, as this is when he starts to come into lighter sleep.  I am not quiet about being in bed.  The first night he woke briefly at this time because his pacifier fell out.  I popped it back in.  Tonight, he wasn't using his pacifier (he occasionally asks for it.)  He also didn't wake at this time.

7:40, the end of that first sleep cycle- last night he was fretful and thrashy, but never fully woke.  He seemed to know I was there, I thought.  Tonight, he squawked and started groping for his pacifier, which I promptly provided, and he fell back asleep.

9:00 both nights he woke up to pee.  Last night, he was able to be cuddled in my arms while laying down until falling back asleep.  He stayed asleep until I woke him for his 11 oclock feed.  Tonight he needed to be resettled after that pee with one breast.  He's still asleep and it is 11:10.  

9:30 both nights he was resettled into deep, deep sleep, so I came out for free time.  I also had a nap both nights- last night about 20 minutes, and tonight upwards of an hour.  I feel rested, content, and not desperate about being torn between self-time and sleep time.  

And by typing all that up I may have totally just jinxed myself.  

We'll see, I guess!  DH is still up working in our attic (we are finishing it, and by we I mean he) and I probably won't give him his 11 oclock feed until midnight.  Hopefully that eliminates the 2 am feed he took last night.

[RosieL]

What an amazing thread. I couldn't have written it, and I'm going to send it to DH to show him how similar our situation is!

Alethia - Your lament that DH doesn't read sleep books too. I accused DH of not being an invested parent because he hasn't picked up sleep books of his own volition. But that's so unfair of me. I read the sleep lady's book to him aloud on vacation and then promptly told him, "his book is shite and we're not doing this." (IMHO it is modified CIO)

I have a mostly crib sleeper. In the crib 7-10, 10-12, 12-2, 2-4, 4-5 then he usually comes to bed and sleeps to 7:30. At each waking i nurse him for about ten minutes and he goes right back to sleep, except for 2AM when we change is diaper. Usually he wakes and if he doesn't nurse pretty immediately, he starts to cry hard. So usually I nurse him while DH changes him. Last night I asked DH to change him by himself and then get him back to sleep. Odin cried hard through the diaper change, then calmed as DH rocked him. He seemed to drift off but then awoke with a cry several times. I went in to nurse him, he heartily ate, and went right to sleep.

I am confident that I would get a lot more sleep if he stayed in bed all night but DH and I have decidd we don't want that in the long term. For now, I know my waking every two hours is my choice. I could bring him in bed and sleep more. I could CIO and sleep more. But neither are what we want *right now*. I'm sure we will revisit this every few months.

Odin has two bottom teeth peeking through. Not much showing but they have definitely erupted through the skin. Part of me thinks that he may physically feel better by nursing. His crying at night is unlike any other crying.

[Aletheia]

Have any of you seen this on Facebook? I thought it was very well argued, but I have a clear favorite line, and I think it applies to sleep very well.

Parenting creates the need to resist "constant temptation to seek short-term relief at everyone's long-term expense."  Lovely.

[RosieL]

How's it going?

[Aletheia]

Ok.  It's going ok.  Rosie, I think this bit of what you said is the crux of the matter, the way to keeping one's sanity:

Quote:

I am confident that I would get a lot more sleep if he stayed in bed all night but DH and I have decidd we don't want that in the long term. For now, I know my waking every two hours is my choice. I could bring him in bed and sleep more. I could CIO and sleep more. But neither are what we want *right now*. I'm sure we will revisit this every few months.

What I mean is that recognizing that what you are doing is the way *you choose* to deal with the way your baby is sleeping is empowering and reassuring.  When baby wakes up unexpectedly, it is a real button pusher for me because I feel it is a suggestion that I have done or am doing something wrong.  If I can just hold on to the idea that the only real thing I can control is how I react, things are a bit easier.  That's why Carly's pointer that she doesn't choose to CIO was helpful to me, for instance.

But as for the partner thing, I wish I could say as confidently as you have above that "neither are what WE want *right now.*"  I can't.  DH and I are just not on the same planet.  Thankfully, though, it's not because he has a differing opinion about what should be done with the fitfully sleeping baby (at least most of the time.)  He is so disconnected that I don't think he really sees it as a problem a lot of the time.  When Mo wakes in the evening hours, if DH suggests anything it will be to "just bring him out and let him be awake."  Easy for him, but bad for an already over-tired baby.  But then, you'd have to know how well the baby has slept that day to know if he is overtired, and you'd have to have experienced overtired baby more than once to know that it really does make settling him harder instead of easier.

What I've decided is that, for whatever reason, DH just doesn't have the interests of the baby at heart.  He has his own interests at heart.  Is that cruel to say?  I don't know.  But I think it's true.  I think the vast majority- somewhere in the ball park of 80%-- of his parenting decisions are based not on what he has recognized as the needs of the child involved, but on his own needs.  Sometimes that's ok, and even good, and I want my kids to know that their own needs do not determine the entire course of the universe.  But at the same time, HAND TO FOREHEAD.  Be a parent, yo.  Better to know what the need in question is, and then determine how it should play into the family's course of action instead of just using your own needs/interests as the determining factor. 

All of which has led me to a sense of resignation lately, and the refrain, "You are not my partner is this."  I had always expected that he would be, but he just isn't.  He isn't here enough to know all the details of the children that would make him my equal as a parent (man I sound conceited), and he certainly hasn't read enough or talked to enough other parents to make truly informed decisions.  He is not my partner in parenting.  At best, he is my assistant, but since he likely does not see it that way, that relationship is the most tenuous just at those moments when it would be most helpful.  He is, however, my partner in running the family and household, which is different and perhaps more important.  But for right now, recognizing that I need to let go of my expectation that he can parent as well as I can has been helpful.  I am where the buck stops.  And for me to truly do my best, I need to embrace that and try not to get "stage fright" if he happens to be an audience for whatever scene happens to be playing out.

So how's that as a long-winded response to your tiny question?  :)  No one beats an academic at being long-winded!

How's it going for you?

[RosieL]

Alethia, I feel so similarly. You express it in a bit more of an extreme way than I would about my DH, but the crux of the matter is that my mind is always on baby's welfare and needs, and DH's is only partly. I think that a lot has to do with the fact that I'm the "default" parent. If DH has the baby, it's because he's giving me a break. I have tried to do somethings like institute daily baby-daddy activities and daddy chores. For instance, diapers are 100% his job now. After letting the diaper laundry drop a couple times such that he had to stay away late or get up early to stuff them...he hasn't missed a laundry day since. I decided that bathtime would be 100% his responsibility, and he reluctantly took that on, and now is competent and helpful. He is *aware* of what's going on as far as bedtime every night now, whereas before it would seem like he was clueless. 

I have a question for you. Has it always been this way with each baby, or is this the first time he's more distant? 

[Aletheia]

RosieL- I like the specific tasks that you have given him control over.  I will have to keep that in mind for the conversation that is certainly headed our way.  

In answer to your question, the first two babes were born while he was in residency.  It was obvious from the get-go that he would not be available to help 95% of the time.  That sort of made it easier.  It shaped my expectations for this babe, though-- I thought that finally baby care would be a bit more of a shared responsibility.  But I made no specific plans for how that would be the case, and didn't realize we'd be sort of working against the force of habit that established itself during the last two babyhoods (and I admit-- my habit of "being in charge" is largely at issue here.  I do have a hard time letting go.)

But he is still the breadwinner, and a musician as a hobby, which has him gone two evenings a week.  So while it's not residency, it's still a lot.  I guess I hadn't realized that a 40 hour work week, while obviously better than the 80 hour one allowed in residency, is still really limiting for a parent.  The kids are only awake for 12 hours a day, and he is gone for 10 of those most days of the week, and all 12 on occasion.  

[RosieL]

I often wonder how much I'm influencing the parental balance myself, unintentionally. Nighttime parenting recently has really driven that home. I'm feeding Odin in four hour blocks, and if he gets up otherwise I sooth him back down instead of nursing. It's been working wonderfully. He sleeps much longer than before and if he does wake, he goes back down for me relatively quickly (3-10 min, usually on the shorter side). DH doens't mind getting up and soothing him back down. But it doesn't work like it does for me. I believe that's because I have learned DS's rhythms by watching closely and doing it more often. DH thinks it's because I'm mommy. It's probably a mix of both. But I went in there last night to help after baby had been crying in DH's arms for a couple minutes. I found DH rocking and gently bouncing DS like I do, but without DS's head on his arm. DS had to hold his head up or have it bounced around. Of course he wouldn't go to sleep like that!!! DH was just trying to mimic what works for *me* without paying attention to what was happening with the baby. Put together that he has less time, and he seems to be less intuitive about his parenting, and that makes for a dad who feels incompetent. Which is a self-defeating feeling. :(

[Aletheia]

Rosie-

Yes, yes, absolutely yes.  You put it very well- influencing the parenting balance even unintentionally.  Poor DH's.  They really do have a hard road.  If they try to do things like mama, they can't quite, and if they try to do things their own way, the learning curve is steep for baby and the chances that mama is going to critique are high.  It really isn't an easy spot.

[ReadingRenee]

Originally Posted by Aletheia 

Ok.  It's going ok.  Rosie, I think this bit of what you said is the crux of the matter, the way to keeping one's sanity:

What I mean is that recognizing that what you are doing is the way *you choose* to deal with the way your baby is sleeping is empowering and reassuring.  When baby wakes up unexpectedly, it is a real button pusher for me because I feel it is a suggestion that I have done or am doing something wrong.  If I can just hold on to the idea that the only real thing I can control is how I react, things are a bit easier.  That's why Carly's pointer that she doesn't choose to CIO was helpful to me, for instance.

But as for the partner thing, I wish I could say as confidently as you have above that "neither are what WE want *right now.*"  I can't.  DH and I are just not on the same planet.  Thankfully, though, it's not because he has a differing opinion about what should be done with the fitfully sleeping baby (at least most of the time.)  He is so disconnected that I don't think he really sees it as a problem a lot of the time.  When Mo wakes in the evening hours, if DH suggests anything it will be to "just bring him out and let him be awake."  Easy for him, but bad for an already over-tired baby.  But then, you'd have to know how well the baby has slept that day to know if he is overtired, and you'd have to have experienced overtired baby more than once to know that it really does make settling him harder instead of easier.

What I've decided is that, for whatever reason, DH just doesn't have the interests of the baby at heart.  He has his own interests at heart.  Is that cruel to say?  I don't know.  But I think it's true.  I think the vast majority- somewhere in the ball park of 80%-- of his parenting decisions are based not on what he has recognized as the needs of the child involved, but on his own needs.  Sometimes that's ok, and even good, and I want my kids to know that their own needs do not determine the entire course of the universe.  But at the same time, HAND TO FOREHEAD.  Be a parent, yo.  Better to know what the need in question is, and then determine how it should play into the family's course of action instead of just using your own needs/interests as the determining factor. 

All of which has led me to a sense of resignation lately, and the refrain, "You are not my partner is this."  I had always expected that he would be, but he just isn't.  He isn't here enough to know all the details of the children that would make him my equal as a parent (man I sound conceited), and he certainly hasn't read enough or talked to enough other parents to make truly informed decisions.  He is not my partner in parenting.  At best, he is my assistant, but since he likely does not see it that way, that relationship is the most tenuous just at those moments when it would be most helpful.  He is, however, my partner in running the family and household, which is different and perhaps more important.  But for right now, recognizing that I need to let go of my expectation that he can parent as well as I can has been helpful.  I am where the buck stops.  And for me to truly do my best, I need to embrace that and try not to get "stage fright" if he happens to be an audience for whatever scene happens to be playing out.

So how's that as a long-winded response to your tiny question?  :)  No one beats an academic at being long-winded!

How's it going for you?

This thread has been so helpful for me as we move through our sleep struggles.  I also copied and pasted a lot of this thread to my dh. LOL 

Aletheia I just wanted to thank you becuase I didn't realize I too felt something like a failure when the baby wakes up unexpectedly.  I didn't realize that until I read what you wrote above.  My dh and i have been getting into some stressful fights when the baby wakes up because he expresses frustration that I have to go away and we can't hang out and on top of me feeling like its my fault the baby is waking up it is seriously compounded because then I feel l ike he is expressing frustration at me and that it is re confirming the idea that the baby waking up is all my fault.  so thank you.  I never would have realized that if you hadn't shared that.

As for sleep.  In general the baby sleeps great once she is in bed with me so I realize I should be grateful.  But, I do put her down in her crib for naps and nighttime until I go to bed and sometimes she will wake up every twenty minutes after I lay her down for bed.  Something that has really helped is I have stopped nursing her to sleep for naps and night.  I nurse her til she is sleepy or sometimes for naps not at all and then I lay her in her bed and let her flop around until she gets cranky and then I pat her and rub her til she goes to sleep. ( I have a chair I sit in right by the crib so its comfortable for me) I had to start doing this because all of a sudden she stopped being able to transition from my arms to her bed without waking up and being WIDE AWAKE and ready to play.  She basically had only 10 minute naps in my arms til I figured that out.  She generally only lightly fusses for less than a minute as I pat or rub her and then she closes her eyes and falls asleep.

For nighttime in bed I have discovered it makes all the difference if I stay awake til she's done nursing and then slip the nipple out of her mouth and cover myself back up.  She will sleep for hours next to me without waking up to nurse if I do that.  Otherwise she wakes up every hour.

i have been pretty happy with her sleep but my husband has not been so its been really coloring my perception of her sleep.  I wish she would stay down in her crib better after I put her to bed but I know its temporary and normal and natural for her to wake up often.  Now that I put her to sleep by patting her I can usually put her back to sleep at night by patting her and she seems to fall asleep much quicker than when I was picking her up to nurse her every time she woke up.

[RosieL]

Originally Posted by ReadingRenee 

As for sleep.  In general the baby sleeps great once she is in bed with me so I realize I should be grateful.  But, I do put her down in her crib for naps and nighttime until I go to bed and sometimes she will wake up every twenty minutes after I lay her down for bed.  Something that has really helped is I have stopped nursing her to sleep for naps and night.  I nurse her til she is sleepy or sometimes for naps not at all and then I lay her in her bed and let her flop around until she gets cranky and then I pat her and rub her til she goes to sleep.

I used to nurse Odin down exclusively, and now I almost never do unless it's over-night. One thing that has surprised me is that he goes to sleep more easily and quickly if I'm *not* in the room. We have a video monitor so I can watch and listen. I nurse him and put him in crib awake. He rolls around and plays with his lovey, and either goes to sleep or (more often) starts to fuss a bit. That's when I go in and soothe him by picking up and rocking or just with a touch and a coo from me. If I don't leave the room, he never settles down. It's weird. I assume I'm distracting him, like a mobile might?

[ReadingRenee]

Sounds nice!  I can't do that with Sahira anymore.  She seems to have gotten separation anxiety early maybe?  She doesn't like to lose sight of me at any time or she gets very upset.  When I sit by her bed I dont' make eye contact with her and that seems to help a little.  I think eye contact is too stimulating maybe?

So I was laying in bed last night and had just gotten Sahira to sleep right next to me when dh snorts really loud and turns over all rough shaking the bed and making lots of noise.  As the baby started snuffling like she had just been woken up, I totally thought of this thread. LOL

[lalazap]

We are still very occupied with sleep stuff over here too. Since my last post in this thread three weeks ago we had a period of lovely 3h+3h+3h sleeps with only the briefest of wake-ups for nursing in between, and I was feeling really good about it and hopeful that we'd start to extend those stretches. Then out of the blue we had a few dire nights where she was literally waking up every hour, and refusing to unlatch from the boob in between, and I was just laying there in bed with my skin crawling feeling like I was being gnawed on by this horrible little demon and we'd both be in tears by the time I passed her off to DP. Really really hard times. I am chalking this up to the 26 week wonder week as the increased wakefulness/restlessness hit at exactly 26 weeks from my EDD.

I've been trying the No-Cry Sleep Solution ideas for breaking the nurse-to-sleep association (popping her off before falling asleep) but she is one persistent little nursling and even after 3+ weeks of consistent effort, I counted 21 attempts to delatch before she finally acquiesced last night. I may give that up and try instead to move nursing to a different place in the going-to-sleep routine. Or just go with it and nurse to sleep because it's easy and I'm lazy and I'm tired and the last thing I want to do is get up and rock/walk her.

We are so far from being able to put her in the crib awake, I can't even imagine that, or how to get there.

DP is also full of suggestions that I feel are improbable or poorly thought out or not applicable to our baby. That said, I am the one who is not sleeping so my critical thinking skills may well be impaired (BTW, how in the world do you mamas function who have returned to work?? still on Canadian mat leave for another 6 months ...) . But I especially resent the suggestions that would require even more nighttime effort from me and I too find it very hard not to take it personally when she wakes up!

Am rambling and tired ...