Anyone over 40 here? Wondering if I should even try anymore...

[orthodoxmom]

I am 43 years old. I guess one of the hardest things about this recent miscarriage (just a week ago) is facing that it may have been our last chance. We are already thinking I am probably in that perimenopause stage.... my cycles were shorter so it was incredibly hard to figure out when I might be ovulating...if at all... We tried starting just 6 months after my son was born in March of 2010. We did not have success until April of 2011 when we had my first miscarriage. After Dec. of 2011 we gave up officially trying....sort of feeling we had to accept it wasn't going to happen. So we thought we were being given a huge blessing over a month ago when we reaized we were pregnant. We saw the heartbeat at six weeks...only to lose that precious life a week later.

So now as I sit in my grief...I wonder....should I try again? Should I try to have another baby that I would desperately want to have...to love...to raise.... do I try to face the grief of not conceiving or worse, to conceive and then lose another?

I know no one hear knows me or knows any of my circumstances whatsoever, but I'd love to hear your thoughts. Thank you.

[L.A.mama]

No need to "try" just enjoy your marriage, pray committing your way to the Lord then rest and trust in Him to bring His will to pass in your lives.

Being older, you just may be blessed with twins or better. A couple of the La Leche League founders had babies around the age of 50 -home births I believe.

I also read that having a miscarriage may increase your fertility now, so best wishes!

[sundaya]

I had to respond, as you sound so much like me, before I conceived DS. I had DD at 41. Got PPAF back when she was 6 months old, and had an early m/c when she was 10 months old. Then....nothing. And nothing. And, then, when I was 43, and DD was almost 2, conceived DS. He was born 6 weeks before I turned 44. I would welcome another, even though I just turned 45.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Since you were able to get pregnant, though, I would think all is not lost on the fertility front. Everyone is so different, and it's very hard to say. My family offers no clues, as I'm the first woman in 3 generations to have kept my uterus past the age of 40, but maybe that's one place to look. There are things that can help along fertility, and charting to determine what your body is doing might help you, also. I think there's a middle place between ttc and not: hopefulness and open-ness to bringing another life into your family, and gratitude for what we have. Not to say in any way that you are not grateful, but that's what I found to keep my thoughts on an even keel when ttc-ing at 43 :)

It is scary, and, for me, even scarier was being pregnant. For our family, though, we felt that having a sibling for DD was just that important. You have to weigh what makes the most sense for your family, it might be totally different.

[karabooboo]

I  am so sorry for your loss.

I am also 43 and will be trying IUI to have my first child next month.

A high school friend of miine (same age) just gave birth to her first child.  So I am hopeful, and I hope you can be too.

[Stevi]

karabooboo...   I'm trying for my first as well.

[LisaSedai]

I am very sorry for your loss. I lost the first baby I was pregnant with (at about 7 weeks) when I was 33 years old, then went on to have my son when I was 35. All during that pregnancy I was worried about m/c. I didn't start trying for another baby (I really wanted one, my husband didn't) until I was 40, I got pregnant and had another m/c. My 3rd try was successful though and I have a wonderful little girl now. The odds of us older women getting pregnant and staying pregnant aren't encouraging, but the fact that you were able to get pregnant naturally without even trying speaks for itself I think. Only you can decide if the chance of having another baby is worth the pain of maybe having another loss but it was worth it for me. Right now I'm 44 yo and 35 weeks pregnant with a surprise (was not trying to conceive) baby. Peace and healing vibes to you.
 

ETA You might want to get your thyroid level checked. I think it may have contributed to my 2nd M/C-

[mommyfriend]

Orthodox Mom, I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage.  I went through one 3 years ago, after having kids, and it was so terribly painful.  People give various types of advice, but you and your husband will be able to sort out what is the right thing to do for your family.  My midwife advised me to take at least 2-3 cycles to get better emotionally and physically before trying again.  I don't know if the exact timeframe is so important, but do give yourself some time to grieve for this baby that you were wanting so much.  Even if it's just for a couple weeks, a month, whatever, give yourself that time.  You can make the decision about when or whether to try again in a little while.  For us, we waited a couple months, and after a couple months of trying we got pregnant again with a wonderful little person who turned out fine.  But for some parents, it is too painful to try again when they know it is possible they might miscarry again.  Talk to your husband, to find out what he is really feeling.  It might give you some comfort to make the decision together.  I know many men would be willing to just go along with whatever you wanted, and not even help with the decision, since they just want their wife to be happy.  But talk to him, and find out what he's thinking.  If he really wants to try again, maybe going with the timing he suggests, as soon as you both feel ready, will give you the strength to do it.  On the other hand, if he feels really that it is too painful for him, and he would prefer not to try again, maybe that would give you the strength to concentrate on other things. 

After some time of grieving, if you are still thinking about trying again, you might benefit from a visit to a fertility specialist.  (It might be a wait to get on their calendar, so you may want to make the appointment already.)  Just be prepared that being 43, they will probably not be overly optimistic for you, and not want to get your hopes up.  Miscarriages are common at this age.  But they might give you some good ideas also.  Getting your thyroid checked, as was suggested, is just one thing you would get done as well. 

I am so glad you have a child already, that will really help you through this very difficult time.  If there are special prayers your spiritual community can offer you, or other ways you can memorialize this baby for your family, that may help a little.

[orthodoxmom]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, kind words and suggestions.

I'm still grieving.....

Some other factors besides being 43 is that I only have one ovary in addition to probably being perimenopausol (Sorry about the misspelling there...have no desire to look that one up!)

We tried for about a year after the fist miscarriage so my hopes are very very low.  I have decided to place it in God's hands though.... not drive myself crazy trying to figure out when ovulation is, etc. but certainly not doing anything to prevent a pregnancy.  I'll be 44 in just two months....  I know of two ladies that had very healthy babies at 44 and 45....so I"m trying not to be pessimistic but it's hard.  My husband and I do NOT wish to do anything artificial though....we gave up anything artificial in our lives at all over 6 years ago and our health is wonderful now... so artificial means is just not an option.  So we will just wait and see...focus on the positive and what we have and see what's in store for us.  Thank you all.

[dayiscoming2006]

Everyone already gave good advice. I just wanted to add a bit of practical advice. If you  haven't already, you may look into way to improve your success with health. Regular moderate exercise, healthy eating, red raspberry leaf tea, etc. Just in case you weren't already doing that. I just had a miscarriage. I'm only 27 and have 3 kids, but I really hope God will bless us with more. But, it's all in His hands. I'm planning on waiting a few months to work even more on getting healthy. I think I have somewhat low progesterone based on symptoms I've had. Natural progesterone cream (Dr. Lee has good info online I believe and in a book) and taking 50 mg of B6 and some B12. Don't know the exact ratio. But, try to get a balance of B vitamins. A good prenatal vitamin would also be ideal if you aren't already taking one. I wish you all the best no matter what God wills for you.

[orthodoxmom]

I am relatively healthy...without sounding prideful I hope.... I am more healthy than the average 43 year old for sure...  I didn't know about red raspberry leaf tea though - I'll put that on the shopping list...can't hurt ;)   I am still taking the prenatals....  They can't hurt either though are a painful reminder each time I take them.  I'll at least take them through the winter months with my regular extra D3 vitamins.  I'll look into the b vitamins too.  Thank you.  I wish you well too.  God bless.

[karabooboo]

Many fertility clinics offer an inexpensive "Fertility Screening".  In MA, mine was $99 and gave FSH, AMH and some other levels that indicate if there is still a chance to conceive.  Those kind of blood tests might give you some useful knowledge.

I respect that you don't want to use artificial methods.  However, Ovulation predictor tests are easy and can be bought on Amazon for $25 for about 40 of them. 

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[karabooboo]

Good luck, Stevi!  I expect my first IUI in around 2 weeks.  I'm under incredible stress so it's probably not a good time to do it, but the dr. did say to do it SOOOOON.  And I think she might have emphasized the word "Soon" just like that.

Stay in touch

[karabooboo]

Wow!  Congrats!  Your little one should be here so soon! Exciting!