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just a little hormonal anger...

post #1 of 7
Thread Starter 

angry.gifangry.gif  SO mad at DH.  I am sure part of this is the hormones, but part is definitely him.  Grrr.  

 

DH and I are having trouble making decisions about when we are leaving Japan and where we are going to go.  DD is probably going to visit with her father and my family for about 3 weeks in Spring.  But DH has to go back to Boston for 2-3 weeks in Feb and I am not cherishing being on my own with no help in Japan, at 7+ months pregnant.  This would mean I would have to walk DD to/from school every day (1/2 mile each way) and do all the grocery shopping (1 mile each way).  We do not have a car here, we walk everywhere and we have very few friends.

 

DH is now upset that I am not comfortable with the original plan (pre-pregnancy plan) because it means he either can't go back in February or we all have to leave at the same time.  Grrr.  He is not getting it.  And he's mad at me, like somehow this is my fault!  This is our anxieties at play and I really hate it right now...all the strategies in the world won't help if he's going to blame me for getting pregnant now (as if infertility wasn't an issue!).

 

irked.gif

 

Ok, just a little vent there....

post #2 of 7
Ugh, sorry that would piss me off too! Plans sometimes have to change because of pregnancy, honestly as it becomes more real for him I bet he won't want to leave you alone. And I know in my last pregnancy, the hormones just amplified emotions, sometimes to a ridiculous amount, but still, they don't create the emotions smile.gif
post #3 of 7

hug2.gif  I can appreciate why you're frustrated.

 

This is your DHs first child, right?  To be honest, I'm not shocked that he "doesn't get it" at this point.  He doesn't have a frame of reference, and doesn't understand what 7 months pregnant looks/ feels like.

 

And I do understand where you are coming from.  When I was pregnant with DS, my DH and I were doing a big reno on our house (as in gutting and re-doing the entire main floor) and did 90% of the work ourselves.  He was mad that I wouldn't agree to do the painting of the entire main floor at 8 months pregnant.  It was supposed to be "my contribution".  Anyway, we hired a painter because I couldnt' have done it.  Long story short, it wasn't until I actually gave birth to DS that he had an understanding of what I was going through and I know he's way more understanding this time around. 

 

So I wonder if it would help for you to somehow "show" him what 7 months pregnant is like and why it would be so taxing on you?  Maybe some type of documentary or even reading the weeks in 7 months in one of those week by week books together?  Something like that might make him understand that "Look, I'm not trying to mess with your plans or be unreasonable, but you have to understand that my body is making a human being and that takes a lot of work and by 7 months pregnant my body just won't be working the same way it is now" kind of thing? 

 

What about having a friend or family member come and stay with you?  Is anyone planning to visit before you move who could coordinate your visit so that they are visiting while DH is away?

post #4 of 7
hug.gif I hope you and your hubby can work through it.

I've been dealing with hormonal anger as well. I've been overreacting to minor things and being mean to DH when he doesn't deserve it. greensad.gif
post #5 of 7
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Quinalla View Post

Ugh, sorry that would piss me off too! Plans sometimes have to change because of pregnancy, honestly as it becomes more real for him I bet he won't want to leave you alone. And I know in my last pregnancy, the hormones just amplified emotions, sometimes to a ridiculous amount, but still, they don't create the emotions smile.gif

 

thumb.gif   I think you are dead-on, and I worry about being too hormonal sometimes.  Later he will see the justification and recognize it, at least, that's the pattern.  But the only long term planning we have done...ok, we have done a considerable amount of long term planning and logistics (3 major moves, one across the US, one to Japan, and of course the impending move back).  The twist here is that we will have a newborn at the end of it, not a new place to live, which is a lot different!

 
Quote:
Originally Posted by nstewart View Post

This is your DHs first child, right?  To be honest, I'm not shocked that he "doesn't get it" at this point.  He doesn't have a frame of reference, and doesn't understand what 7 months pregnant looks/ feels like.

 

Yes, his first child, and he was an only child growing up.  He was also single until he was 39, never even engaged.  So he really has no clue.  I'm not surprised either, and usually what he doesn't understand now, he will understand soon.  He is an empathetic person most of the time.  He did not understand my constant rheumatoid pain at first, but now he gets it when he sees the difference in a good day and a bad day.  I'm just impatient because I don't want to wait 5 months for understanding.  I don't think it's real to him yet, at least no where near as real as it is to me!  I also recognize that if this pregnancy is too hard on either of us, it will be our last.  And I am not ready to make that call just yet.  So I am trying to be careful.

 


 

So I wonder if it would help for you to somehow "show" him what 7 months pregnant is like and why it would be so taxing on you?  Maybe some type of documentary or even reading the weeks in 7 months in one of those week by week books together?  Something like that might make him understand that "Look, I'm not trying to mess with your plans or be unreasonable, but you have to understand that my body is making a human being and that takes a lot of work and by 7 months pregnant my body just won't be working the same way it is now" kind of thing? 

 

That is actually a really good idea.  There was a documentary on Netflix about pregnancy and birth that we wanted to watch but were too afraid to get excited.  Maybe we can watch that!  We usually have about 1 hour at bedtime of tv together some nights and that's all the tv we watch and it's usually not a regular thing.  

 

 

 

Quote:

What about having a friend or family member come and stay with you?  Is anyone planning to visit before you move who could coordinate your visit so that they are visiting while DH is away?

 

Hrm, well, we have debated about bring my mom out to Japan for a bit while he is gone or bringing her with us to Singapore after the birth.  The problem is my mom is notorious for being lazy.  And if I'm going to pay for someone's entire plane ticket and stay, I want someone who is actually going to help me not cause more stress!  She means well, but then gets tired...  I am racking my brain for anyone else I could think of who would be nominally helpful and would appreciate a trip to Japan but most people have obligations they don't want to stop.  There is one male friend who really wants to visit Japan.  He's a friend of both DH and me.  That is a possibility if DH has to return to the US in February.

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by TwilightJoy View Post

hug.gif I hope you and your hubby can work through it.
I've been dealing with hormonal anger as well. I've been overreacting to minor things and being mean to DH when he doesn't deserve it. greensad.gif

 

Thanks TwilightJoy  happytears.gif  It's good to know I'm not the only one!

post #6 of 7
Thread Starter 

So we have been working on this...but Monday was not our best day.  I woke up with a flaming left eye from a full blown case of conjunctivitis (which I get on a regular basis) and a swollen ankle and leg from a fall I had the previous week.   I apparently walked too much on it Sunday and it rebelled.  So Monday DH was really upset because he felt that a lot of the regular chores and housework that I do was going to fall to him.  And it did.  But there was no avoiding it, I was way to sick to move far or fast on Monday between conjunctivitis, swollen ankle and leg and morning sickness.  I was a total disaster and was crying my eyes out at 2 pm.

 

DH apologized later on Monday morning for being so angry about the whole deal (chores, housework, doctor appointments, decisions and discussions).  I let things slide this week, just kind of did what I could, we managed meals together, took care of what we could.  As I started feeling better, things started getting done although DH could not manage to get all the dishes washed so I finally finished them today.  We finally have a clean (had a clean now it has dinner dishes) kitchen sink for the first time in about 5 or 6 days.

 

We also started really talking about the options available to us for this birth.  RIght now, DH is stressed because he has several projects in the fire at once.  This is not unusual but the added stress of the baby I think makes him a bit more edgy then normal. He said he doesn't feel his anger emotions are justified, which is good.  And he has really worked hard to be supportive and caring after the Monday morning go round. 

 

I think DH is finally getting it.  He's been watching me sleep a LOT these passed few days and I think he is finally realizing that this is not the normal way I would be.  But we aren't out of the woods yet.  Decisions yet to be made about whether it will be New Zealand or Boston for the birth.  So many logistics to work out.  And right now I am homesick pretty bad I think because I don't feel well and very little is a comfort to me at the moment, especially when DH is lashing out too.  I told him Tuesday that although we had been doing really well through this whole move and transition, now I was ready to go home.  He was surprised, and so was I.  We still have 6 months to go.  But at least he's decided he won't be leaving me in Japan for 3 weeks in February.  He realizes now that would not be a good idea.  And I am breathing a big sigh of relief.

 

surrender.gif

post #7 of 7
Sounds like he is coming around, so that's good! It's such a big transition, I know I am glad pregnancy takes 9 months to let it really sink in. Sounds like his work stress isn't helping anything, but I'm glad he realizes that he shouldn't be taking it out on you and glad to hear he is working on being more supportive, you need it especially since you are so isolated it sounds like. I'm glad you are feeling better, I hope it all heals up for you quickly!
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