What annoys you the most about what others say... - Page 2

[mama24-7]

Originally Posted by shoebox 
Later my friend told me that my 8 yo was turning to be just like my 10 yo, "unfit" for school, and that maybe it wasn't too late to change things for her. This really hurt my feelings. My 10 yo wouldn't do well in school, that's for sure--she is too independent, her thinking processes are very a-typical, she doesn't like academics at all. She's a stereotypical somewhat awkward homeschooler, who is valued and appreciated by adults--she feels at home with adults who don't behave like bratty 10 year olds. She's always been serious and mature, an over-thinker. However I consider most of this to be wonderful, and not a deficit (except for when I'm in my panic mode and we butt heads lol). The way my friend spoke sounded like she thought my girls were deficient.  

See, I take that as a compliment!  My 10yo dd would not do well in school either, she uses her own mind way too much for the masses!  But, that's why she doesn't go to school.  The only way I've ever thought of for a person to be successful in school is to do what they're told.  I want my children to use their minds & think & be curious & ask lots of questions.  School does not value those things & for that reason, I'm soooooo glad my children are "unfit for school."  

Originally Posted by organicviolin 

The thing that drives me the craziest is my mother! She knows we're homeschooling our boys, the eldest is 3.5 yrs, that's it. Well, because she called when I was super frustrated she was like, he's nearly 4 and SHOULD be going to preschool for structure and learning how to be with kids that I haven't approved of. I was like, huh??? That makes no sense and no way. He learns far more at home and me being frustrated due to something else has nothing to do with it. Like seriously. Plus, why would I spend $$ on pre k when it's just glorified playtime when we do that here and everywhere else for free? Like seriously!! She just doesn't get it. She keeps referring to it as a "great time for me to get a break". From what, I have no idea.

I won't lie - it is hard on me being w/ my children 24/7.  If I had a better system of getting time to myself, it'd be good, but I don't.  I'm not good at all w/ self care & it honestly worries me some because I really would like my daughter to be better at taking care of herself.  But, the answer isn't sending them to school, that's for sure!

Originally Posted by incorrigible 

It's not specific comments that really get to me anymore...it's the general mentality. I have trouble understanding how otherwise reasonable people, who really SEEM to love their children, could prefer to have them raised by a constantly rotating group of strangers. 

Oh, yeah, I don't get that either.  Especially from people who were close to their kids when they're young - like who nurse, co-sleep, etc..  Why would you want to raise these wonderful people to have them go off for hours & hours to be all wonderful w/other people?  I met a woman once who said she wouldn't homeschool, my memory is a bit foggy, but something along the lines of she wouldn't keep her kids out because their smart & then all that'd be left behind wouldn't be smart?!?!  Something like that.  Weird.  School is so deeply ingrained in people.  It makes me sad for the children & for what the family is missing.  But, I don't spend much time/energy on it. 

Quote:

Originally Posted by incorrigible 
Ds has really developed a game plan for his life over the past few months, and I have to say I'm REALLY looking forward to the bragging rights of my eldest unschooler becoming a doctor. He could still decide on a different path, but I'm going to be unbearable if this sticks the way it seems like it will. Dh and I are hoping to start having more kids within the next few year (I'm almost healthy enough to start trying again!), hopefully lots of them...and they are going to benefit from the most over confident, outspoken, unschooling mom ever. lol

That would be the ultimate - told you so! not that I say that to people.  But, wow, you wouldn't have to!

Originally Posted by Emaye 
For me, I hate when people tell me how socially disadvantaged my kids will be because they didn't go to school.  Although deep inside of me, I really believe homeschooling/unschooling is the right choice for our family, the socialization issue always hits my vulnerable spot. A couple of weeks ago I had a conversation with a Principal where he basically said sure you can teach them at home but so much more learning happens in school than book studying and regardless of what you do, you will never be able to reproduce that at home.  And I felt... doubtful -- even though I KNEW I am providing my children enough social time.  Pretty much everyday I feel like I am providing my children a top of the line experience by allowing them to stay home and be free.  Once in a while though, someone says something about all the awkward homeschooled people they know and I fear.  I wish I didn't.  Maybe with experience I won't anymore and I look forward to that.

I think that, generally, this kind of talk is really envy.  These people envy the time children have to actually be children!  They didn't get it themselves, their children aren't getting it, they don't want other children to, etc.  This is also fear: people do not believe it is possible to learn things like how to stand in line, how to sit for a class, etc., without school.  When people talk about "socialization" what they really mean is learning to be a drone.  People are challenged by those who think & do outside the box & a lot of homeschoolers & unschoolers are not in-the-box people!

As to the OPs question, what bothers me isn't what people say to me about my family & myself; it's what people say about thier kids & what they make their kids do.  I get very bothered by parents attempting to control their children & what they learn (this is coming from school-at-homers).  I am pretty sure it's because I was controlled thorough fear as a child so it really gets my dander up when I hear about others trying and sometimes succeeding in doing it to their children.  I'm working to make it so my issues do not become my children's issues & it's sad to me when I hear of others repeating the same to their children.  

My 2 cents :-).

Sus

[shoebox]

Originally Posted by mama24-7 

See, I take that as a compliment!  My 10yo dd would not do well in school either, she uses her own mind way too much for the masses!  But, that's why she doesn't go to school.  The only way I've ever thought of for a person to be successful in school is to do what they're told.  I want my children to use their minds & think & be curious & ask lots of questions.  School does not value those things & for that reason, I'm soooooo glad my children are "unfit for school."  

When I say this myself, I say it with pride ;-). But when a friend said it, with this particular tone of voice, it hurt my feelings. 

[maptome]

I'm new the label "unschooling." but my reasons for not putting DD1 (3.5 years) in preschool very much align with principles of unschooling.  I think the most annoying thing is to be constantly told mainstream sentiments, over and over and over again, as if I've never heard of "socialization."  I tend to interrogate people when they go against the grain because I assume they have thoughtful motivations, and I'm curious to learn more about what they've decided.  But when people hear that I don't want to put my 3 year old, 3!, in school, they tell me, "she needs to learn to share, and take turns, and make friends, and be prepared for kindergarten."  It so hard to respond to these didactic comments sounding pendantic myself, so I usually don't say anything, and then people think I'm just a moron who's jeopardizing my child's future.

[incorrigible]

Maptome, it may make you feel better to know that IME, it gets better. Preschool age was THE WORST for people trying to push, manipulate, and judge. Early grade school was still frustrating, but nowhere as bad. And the older the kids have gotten, the less of an issue our choices are. With ds14, people are often confused but generally very accepting of our choices.

[kittentips]

Usually not too many things get to me but I recently was involved in a discussion on unschooling that was immensely annoying!

I live in a country where homeschooling is still pretty controversial for the average person, and most have never ever even heard or thought of the concept of unschooling.

What annoyed me the most was that before even knowing what it was the majority of the people involved already had very strong opinions on it, and then refused to hear anything more about it but continued giving their very uninformed opinions on it!

It ultimately ended up in a place where unschoolers were called elitist because only the very rich could ever afford to unschool successfully - don't even ask how it ended up there, like I said the people involved have very little understanding on the concept

Anyway it really irritated me, that they were trying to make me feel guilty about choices I've made for my family because other people "can't afford" to make the same choices.

As it was coming from a bunch of people who mainly CHOOSE to send their children to expensive private schools, and have their babies via elective c-sections in expensive private hospitals, their opinion on elitism is pretty laughable actually

[pek64]

I'm glad you can laugh it off! Keeping a sense of humor helps.

[lanamommyphd07]

When I mentioned that we were unschooling to a neighboring camper that inquired about why dd was not in school, he started pontificating about why it was cruel that I was not going to let her learn about evolution. He was really upset! Once I could get a word in edgewise I was able to clarify, but he really threw me off! We'd just been talking about some evolutionary processes that morning! Typically, however, I don't get much flack. 

[incorrigible]

My neighbor's parents were visiting them for the holidays and came to our Christmas gathering. After hearing that the kids were homeschooling they got very sad and proceeded to tell stories about several neices/nephews/grandkids that were homeschooled...apparently every on of them ended up a meth addicted single parent by 16, and went through 3-4 marriages by age 30. O.o

[Pookietooth]

I think it's also annoying when folks say that it's only rich privileged two income families who can homeschool. And what really gets me is when people say by pulling our kids out to homeschool we are depriving the other kids who can't afford to be homeschooled.  My mother kept me in public schools because she believed they were a good public service and an equalizer and all that, but I was traumatized, bullied, and my self-esteem was and still is very low due to the way that we were always told we weren't good enough in so many ways. I grew up in the South where corporal punishment was used liberally in the public schools. My mother never spanked us and was proud of that, but she never stopped to consider that I witnessed many spankings and had a real fear of adults, in particular men (who were often the principals and spanked kids in my presence). I never felt that schools were on my side. I will not do that to my kids.

[CrunchyMama19]

We recently decided to pull DD out of kindergarten and homeschool. DH's family is full of public school teachers and while many of them are supportive, a few are very skeptical and even seem to feel a bit threatened that we are doing this. The constant grilling about curriculums gets old quickly. I have no interest in purchasing an expensive curriculum, we learn by living and exploring on our own. They are so worried we won't cover everything and are we really qualified to do this? (Funny thing is, I actually have a PhD, it won't help me homeschool in anyway but considering how firmly they believe in formal education, I find it amusing that they think my 8+ years of university isn't sufficient).

The socialization thing gets me too, especially since I think if the average person had ANY idea what this word actually means they would realize how deficient public school is in this area. The only socialization I learned in public school was to keep a low profile to avoid becoming a bullying target. And also that smart kids were good, and "slow" learners were a burden.

[elizawill]

fortunately, i've not had to deal with too many naysayers. when my kids were little and not school age yet, i didn't reference homeschooling. it was just parenting to me.  when they were of school age, i just stated we were homeschooling.  i don't think anyone that knows me was shocked by our decision. i'm sure people asked questions, but i don't remember it being any kind of big discussion or anything.  the decision was made & i was just informing them.  

the main statement i hear most over the years is, "oh! i could NEVER do that!". i just reply, "you never have too". the other main comment i hear comes from my kid's friends. they will ask sometimes, "when will they go to real school?". i just say, "when they feel like it".  honestly, i deal more with their friends wishing they could homeschool too, lol.

my kids are 11 and almost 9 now. the socialization issue is never brought up anymore. my kids are very social and amazing kids. really, as time goes on, no one can even question whether or not homeschooling works for us. my kids choose to do it and always have. we love it. 

[lanamommyphd07]

oh! I totally forgot. A few of my family members agreed this year that "she's going to end up even weirder than you!"

[pek64]

Whenever something goes wrong my family says, "It's because you homeschool!".

[rightkindofme]

I was a public school teacher. When people find out we are home schooling they generally ask, "Oh what did you used to do?" when I tell them "I was a high school teacher" they respond with, "Oh then you'll do ok."

Let me forking tell you high school did not prepare me for this preschool $h!t. This is hard. Oh man. I'm having a brutally hard time with these little kids. I'm just nice to them so that they will be nice to me when they get more towards my favorite age groups. It's calculated. (I'm kidding. Mostly.)

It always bothers people when I start ranting about how teaching taught me that I will never buy a curriculum and I will never buy into the established list of priorities and .... I uhhh get going.

I got angry about having to rework all of my PERFECTLY FREAKING GOOD LESSON PLANS to "align with the school spirit slogan". We had to find a way to work in the buzzwords every day. Even in contrived and annoying and superficial ways. Because that is the way to learn--right? Bah. Humbug.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Emaye 

For me, I hate when people tell me how socially disadvantaged my kids will be because they didn't go to school.  Although deep inside of me, I really believe homeschooling/unschooling is the right choice for our family, the socialization issue always hits my vulnerable spot. A couple of weeks ago I had a conversation with a Principal where he basically said sure you can teach them at home but so much more learning happens in school than book studying and regardless of what you do, you will never be able to reproduce that at home.  And I felt... doubtful -- even though I KNEW I am providing my children enough social time.  Pretty much everyday I feel like I am providing my children a top of the line experience by allowing them to stay home and be free.  Once in a while though, someone says something about all the awkward homeschooled people they know and I fear.  I wish I didn't.  Maybe with experience I won't anymore and I look forward to that.

DD1 and I are very similar in some ways - shy, timid, very hesitant to put ourselves forward, etc. I went to public school and got all that great "socialization". DD1 has been homeschooled from the beginning. So, by the logic of many, I should be the socially competent one, and dd1 should be the socially awkward one. (This is especially true as dd1 was actually more timid, more shy, etc. as a little girl than I was.) That's not how it worked out at all. I'm horribly socially challenged, still afraid to open a closed door under almost any circumstances, freaked out by people I don't know, especially in groups. Actually, I'm terrified of groups of people I don't know, and I pretty much expect them to attack me in some way. Much of this is just the way I am, and the way I've always been...but the expectation of attack was a direct result of public school. I was bullied, gossiped about, and harassed to an extent that left me fearing people in a way I never had before. DD1 hasn't learned the lessons I learned. She may not automatically trust every single person out there, and she knows some of the kids on the playground are "jerks" and "idiots" (her terms - we've talked about the namecalling)...but she doesn't expect people to routinely treat her like crap, just because they can.

If dd1 ends up a bit "awkward" by other people's standards, I'm okay with that. She probably would have been as bad, if not worse, if she'd gone to school. She and I don't have the right temperament for that environment. She's doing a lot better than I was at her age

People focus on the "weird, awkward" homeschooling kid they know, and assume that's the way all homeschooled kids develop. That's not how it works. (I also have to note that I know three kids, in a small homeschooling group, who have some kind of sensory processing and/or autism spectrum based special needs. Those kids are very socially awkward...but a classroom wouldn't make it go away. IME, children on the spectrum are disproportionately common in the homeschooling community, because their parents are trying hard to find an environment that works for them, and school doesn't fit the bil. So, in may cases, "social awkwardness" is actually a cause of homeschooling, not a result of homeschooling.

I didn't mean to ramble, but that particular argument makes me nuts. School damaged me so badly - there are no words.

[lanamommyphd07]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride 

DD1 and I are very similar in some ways - shy, timid, very hesitant to put ourselves forward, etc. I went to public school and got all that great "socialization". DD1 has been homeschooled from the beginning. So, by the logic of many, I should be the socially competent one, and dd1 should be the socially awkward one. (This is especially true as dd1 was actually more timid, more shy, etc. as a little girl than I was.) That's not how it worked out at all. I'm horribly socially challenged, still afraid to open a closed door under almost any circumstances, freaked out by people I don't know, especially in groups. Actually, I'm terrified of groups of people I don't know, and I pretty much expect them to attack me in some way. Much of this is just the way I am, and the way I've always been...but the expectation of attack was a direct result of public school. I was bullied, gossiped about, and harassed to an extent that left me fearing people in a way I never had before. DD1 hasn't learned the lessons I learned. She may not automatically trust every single person out there, and she knows some of the kids on the playground are "jerks" and "idiots" (her terms - we've talked about the namecalling)...but she doesn't expect people to routinely treat her like crap, just because they can.

If dd1 ends up a bit "awkward" by other people's standards, I'm okay with that. She probably would have been as bad, if not worse, if she'd gone to school. She and I don't have the right temperament for that environment. She's doing a lot better than I was at her age

People focus on the "weird, awkward" homeschooling kid they know, and assume that's the way all homeschooled kids develop. That's not how it works. (I also have to note that I know three kids, in a small homeschooling group, who have some kind of sensory processing and/or autism spectrum based special needs. Those kids are very socially awkward...but a classroom wouldn't make it go away. IME, children on the spectrum are disproportionately common in the homeschooling community, because their parents are trying hard to find an environment that works for them, and school doesn't fit the bil. So, in may cases, "social awkwardness" is actually a cause of homeschooling, not a result of homeschooling.

I didn't mean to ramble, but that particular argument makes me nuts. School damaged me so badly - there are no words.

Yeah! As I was growing up, I heard my family talking about how odd my hs'ed cousins were. I'd always attributed it to the very strict religious end of things (that was the reason given by the family for hsing), but it was kind of noticeable how atypical they were compared with the kids I knew. As I've learned more about unschooling my kid, and watched those cousins grow into adults, I think I get it. They looked weird because they were not socially conformed. They are great people, and they are interesting, and they can hang out with just about anyone and have fearless interests in everything under the sun. All those years I thought "thank goodness I'm not like them", and now I think "too bad I couldn't have had a childhood more like that!"

[mrsmischief]

I dislike when my husband or I are accused of "tiger parenting" or "hot housing" our daughter simply because she has several abilities that are considered above average. I recall one such incident at the grocery store that left me especially unsettled. My daughter was in the cart reading an ingredient label to me as we ventured down an aisle. She was pronouncing all of the words perfectly and a woman on the same aisle overheard and had the gall to come over and lecture me about the harm I was doing to my daughter.

My husband had an incident at a bookstore cafe table when a man randomly approached him and advised him in a taunting tone the Diary of a Wimpy Kid and American Girl books on the table were not ones a child of my daughter's age could read. The man then accused my husband of "tiger parenting" using that very term, which would be offensive enough as is but all the worse considering my husband is Korean-American and has no way of knowing if racism played a factor in the man's action and choice of words. 

There have been similar incidents but these are the two I personally found most disconcerting. It reminds me of a woman who approached me in a mall when my daughter was one to advise me a baby could not possibly drink using a straw while watching my daughter do that very thing. People can be very strange. 

[pek64]

People tend to get critical if they feel inferior.
Edited to add : I'm not trying to imply that anyone is superior or inferior. Just that when one child does something earlier than someone else's child, that someone else may *feel* inferior, through no fault of the parent(s) of the early achiever child.

I try to let that stuff go. It harder, though, when the people are relatives.

I find that most parents either push their children or hold them back. Letting the child proceed at his/her pace is best. That's one of the reasons we homeschool. If only I could get the relatives to understand.
Edited by pek64 - 1/7/13 at 1:29am

[SpiderMum]

I get annoyed when people try to tell ME what it's like to be homeschooled....when they themselves have no idea or experience. I WAS homeschooled K through 12...I KNOW THIS STUFF! Anyway, it's obnoxious when they tell me what my life was like....honestly they have no clue.

I also get sick of people asking me what I'm doing with DD....she's 4! We aren't DOING anything.

[Cassidy68]

Mostly I'm pleasantly surprised about how interested and supportive people are when they find out we unschool... but the two questions I get most tired of answering are probably

"But what about socialization?" and "So how do you know if he's keeping up?" I know it isn't fair to be impatient because even though I've been asked those questions a hundred times, it's quite possibly the first time that particular person has had a chance to ask it... so if the person is actually interested, I try to give a thoughtful answer. 

I just blogged about the latter question, if anyone is interested: http://www.robinstevenson.com/wordpress/category/blog/homeschooling-blog/