Is this a violation?

[chefmommy]

Goodmorning.I have been posting over the past few months because we started the process and it has been ugly. Most of my friends don't really understand because they haven't been in this situation, but, they are supportive and I am fortunate for that. My situation is that we had a recent pendente lite decision (this week) that came back in my favor. He was ordered to pay CS, alimony, part of the expenses like extracurriculars & sitter. But, how long until he has to actually pay me anything? 

Since we got this decision -his behavior is just spiraling downward. He has always been beligerant, but, now he has been acting irratic. Two weeks ago at the back to school night he sat behind me & followed us all over the school the entire time. I changed direction, stopped to talk to people purposefully, but, could not shake him. He followed us in his car when we left - I had nightmares for days! Then yesterday my daughter's first soccer game & my day to be with them (I have custody & there is no court ordered visitation, but, I have them on Saturday & he has Sunday with them). Well he decided to go (I did not know this) and went crazy on us because she did not go. He called and spoke with them, but, threatened the lawyers would hear about this???? I don't know why he is threatening me about their plans on my day....    Kids then had a sleepover and we were watching a movie. He started calling and continued to call 12 times over 45 minutes while we were watching. This was 6 hours after their last phone conversation. To make things worse he called the police & told them the children were missing and he was afraid for their safety???? 

Today is Sunday and they are supposed to have the entire day with him...  I am afraid to let them go!    

Should I allow them to go with him?

Should I pursue contemp on the restraining order  on stbx?

[tonttu]

No , you should definitely not let them go !

This guy sounds like he went off the deep end and for the kids sake , you should be finding out , what is going on first , a restraining order sounds like a good idea , but even w/o one , there is no way , I would let my kids be alone with somebody showing clearly irrational behaviour like this !
 

[provocativa]

Go to the police right away, and pursue contempt on the restraining order.  There are police there on Sunday to take a report, and if you make a report and decide to keep them home then it will look better for you.  You need to document every single erratic thing he does...take the phone to the police so they can see the call log.  If there is no custody order then you shouldn't get in trouble for keeping the kids away from him, but it could set a bad precedent with the judge.  I wish  you could get your lawyer on the phone before you made a decision about that.  Ask him to exchange the kids with you at the police station, and talk to the police and / or your lawyer about getting that established.

[zebra15]

I'm not a professional, but IMO it sounds like he is starting stalking behavior.  I would document EVERYTHING he does that effects you.  Everytime he calls, everytime he follows you etc.

As for the payment,  just because something is ordered, doesn't mean it will be done.   You can read pages upon pages of mama's on here who should be getting child support but just have arrears building.  Who should be getting health coverage for the kids but are on state insurance etc.  Just because the court says 'do something' doesn't mean that person is going to 'do it'.   You can ask for your state child support agency to take over enforcement and have all payment processed thru them.

[LLQ1011]

you do not have a custody order they do not need to go with him. You are in a dangerous situation it sounds like. i would contact the police and document everything.
 

[Mama Soltera]

Do not let them go with him. This is how my ex started behaving and it turned into full-blown stalking and it was terrifying. It lasted for a couple of years and I ended up with PTSD. You need a restraining order now. You cannot let your kids be around him at this point. I am not saying this to scare you but to let you know this type of thing tends to escalate rather than die down. Please read    both of Lundy Bancroft's books: "When Dad Hurts Mom" and "Why Does He Do That?" I'm sorry you're dealing with this. 

[Goodmom2008]

Here is what you do:

1.  Let all of his phone calls go to voice mail.  If you can assign rings to callers, assign a no ring to his.  This way, you won't hear the harrassing phone calls.  And if he leaves voicemails, well, you have proof of his harrassment.

2.  Get a copy of the police report (this includes any and all) that show that they came to your house and why.  This is more proof of harrassment.

3.  Discuss with your attorney your stbx's erratic behavior and see what your attorney says about Sunday and the kids.  I would also discuss a restraining order with your attorney.  If you can prove harrassment, you are likely to get one and ask that it includes the kids (this one is iffy). 

And when you do get one, be sure to take a copy of it to the school if it includes the kids and a copy to your local police.  Keep a copy in a safe place at your home and always carry a copy with you.  This way, if you see him in public and he starts harrassing you, you will be able to show the cops that he isn't supposed to be doing that. 

[chefmommy]

So, I went to the police station and filed a report. The police told me that the phone calls & sending police to the house are not a violation, but, the school & scout mtg stuff is. What stinks is that I look like a flake on the report and they will probably throw it out of court because it was 10 days after the school incident when I filed the report. Since the police told me the phone calls etc the night before were no big deal so I didn't include it in the report, but, now I wish I did. I think it would have been a stronger report. They had him turn himself in Sunday night. He has to go to court next week. He told kids he can't go to public events that I am present at - very happy about this:)

Wondering if I can contact DA and let them know about the phone calls?

His lawyer sent  a nasty email to mine stating that I am making all of this up just to keep him away from kids & that he will pursue charges against me... what does that mean?

[Virginia Mom]

If you can prove he's unstable, can they require supervised visits.  If he's being this 'crazy', then is there a chance he will harm your children?

[Goodmom2008]

It means that they are trying to intimidate you.

BTW, the police are right and wrong about the phone calls.  Occasionally calling as often as he did isn't a big deal.  Doing that every single night?  Well, that's called stalking.  And harassment.  And is a big deal.

Calling the cops?  Maybe once isn't a big deal, if it was an isolated incident.  Calling the cops constantly or whenever you don't answer the phone, along with everything else he is doing IS a big deal.  And proof of harrassment.  It's obvious the cops don't want to get involved.  Too bad for them.  Insist on a police report every single time they are sent to your house for a "well and safety" check. 

Harrassment isn't an isolated incident.  It's a constant, ongoing, process.  And if you can prove it, and having a lot of police reports, multiple voicemails on your phone each day is one way of doing that, you can get a restraining order.   Keep in mind that harrassment is very difficult to prove. 

[provocativa]

Phone records will show that you are not making this up.  In my state, if you have asked someone to stop doing something and they persist, then it is considered harassment.  Look up the laws in your state.

[Mama Soltera]

Yes, some lawyers stoop so low trying to scare you into doing whatever they want. Don't give in to it. 

Document absolutely everything. I agree with saving each voicemail, email, etc. and also just writing down dates, times, and descriptions of things he is doing that are harassment. Filing for a restraining order is different from filing a police report for non-compliance with custody orders. I still urge you to file for a TRO. Him showing up like that is the beginnings of stalking. Him following you is stalking and harassment. His incessant phone calls are harassment. The best thing I can tell you is to document and protect your kids and yourself. I would also encourage you to call a domestic violence hotline because they are very knowledgeable about this sort of thing and can likely offer you guidance and support. Best of luck and stay strong. 

[Mama Soltera]

How are things going now?

[chefmommy]

Things have been quiet since then. I really haven't heard from lawyer - I have not contacted him since we have court friday and I am trying to keep costs down. STBX is still nagging constantly requesting more time, switch in times, dumb questions etc...  

No money still - 6 months with not a nickel from him  - I want to scream!!! Hopefully this we bill resolved after court friday.

One good thing is that he does not come to public events that I attend - so much better! I am not afraid to go out with them now:) 

Thank  you for asking

[chefmommy]

Back to court today - judge told his attorney in conference that he can go to any public events he wants and there is nothing I can do. Now he's laughing it up telling me he'll be there everytime there is an event starting tomorrow:((((  Here we go again - back to the nightmares agin!!! 

[hillymum]

I'm sorry, unless you have a restraining order I can understand the Judge is powerless on that one. What about support? 

[chefmommy]

I do have a restraining order, but, it just says he is to stay away from me - very general, but, not enough??????? 

[Mama Soltera]

Well, I'm really glad to hear that at least you have that. How many yards does he have to stay away from you? Really find out what that distance is and looks like and believe me he will see if he can get away with it. You have to stay strong and report it so he knows he can't get away with harassing you. Did he finally stop calling you at least? 

[chefmommy]

It does not specify in yards or feet - it just says stay away and his attorney & I guess the judge interpreted it as direct contact only is a violation??? UGH - he is even more beligerant than ever. He kept texting and emailing that he is going to be everywhere I go with the children. All my lawyer says is get used to it. I just hate them both!

[hillymum]

Take the restraining order to the police station and ask their opinion? If it doesn't protect you then petition the court for a restraining order that specifies distance, so the police can take action if so needed. Can you go to the court house after normal hours and request an EPO be issued as the current order is not enforceable?