Homeschooling teenagers

[3littlelambs]

Watching American TV shows that feature the so called "typical" teenager that wants nothing to do w/ his/her parents and is seemingly in a constant battle of wills w/ them makes me wonder--is this how HS'd teens act too (in general)? I know it was for me as a kid growing up ( I was not HS'd, and my friends were definitely THE most important thing in my life), but it wasn't my DH's experience. Incidently, he was HS'd his whole life, save college, and never felt that at odds w/ his parents, or the desire to "rebel".

those of you how have kids that are older--say in the tween/teen age, do you find that HSing really does help foster a closer bond b/t you and them and less peer obsession? or is this just the way kids are today?

[zebra15]

My kiddo is a newly minted 12 yr old.  He is homeschooled but I WOH so he is pretty independent.  IDK if homeschooling 'fostered a bond' for us or if there is really any less peer pressure.  My kiddo is heavily involved with PS kids for swim team and drama as well as activities at the library.

What I will admit to is being rather strict these days.  DS has always had rules and limits.  I've managed to keep him involved in activities and out of trouble.  He  is now very focused on swimming and goal orientated with up coming meets this year.

He also has some lofty goals for university so he knows what needs to be accomplished in the coming years with his studies as well.  I'm willing to help him and support him but he needs to do the work.

[onlyzombiecat]

Originally Posted by 3littlelambs 

Watching American TV shows that feature the so called "typical" teenager that wants nothing to do w/ his/her parents and is seemingly in a constant battle of wills w/ them makes me wonder--is this how HS'd teens act too (in general)? I know it was for me as a kid growing up ( I was not HS'd, and my friends were definitely THE most important thing in my life), but it wasn't my DH's experience. Incidently, he was HS'd his whole life, save college, and never felt that at odds w/ his parents, or the desire to "rebel".

those of you how have kids that are older--say in the tween/teen age, do you find that HSing really does help foster a closer bond b/t you and them and less peer obsession? or is this just the way kids are today?

Dd is 12 and has always been homeschooled. She has pulled back somewhat from always wanting to do stuff with us and has an attitude some days as she has gotten older but it really isn't like she wants nothing to do with us or constantly fights us. We do spend quite a bit of time together so maybe we are more connected than families where kids and parents go their seperate ways most of the time. 

I think a certain amount of increasing independence from family and testing boundaries is normal for teenagers no matter if they are homeschooled or not.

I went to public school my whole childhood and never had a big rebellion phase or was completely peer obsessed either. I was more introverted and my parents weren't super controlling people. So maybe the personality of the kids and parents is a big part of it too.

[khenn]

I was homeschooled as well as my brother and neither one of us rebelled or felt the need to distance ourselves from our parents.  My husband went to public school his whole life and never rebelled either so parenting, to me, is probably more the issue than schooling choice.

My oldest is turning 13 in two weeks.  Our relationship is great.  We get along wonderfully.  I have other homeschool friends whose tweens and even younger boys have rebelled.  So, again...I really think it comes down to parenting approach but could be wrong.  It's probably a combination of things.

I'm just very grateful for the relationship I have with my children and they have with each other.

Kellie

[pek64]

Homeschoolers are like everyone else. Some may feel the need to rebel, others won't. It's going to depend on the personalities of the child and parent(s).

[moominmamma]

I have four kids, three of whom are teenagers. I do not believe that ruptured relationships with parents, peer orientation and rebellion are foregone conclusions in the teen years. That was very much my reality growing up, but I felt as strongly then as I do now that misguided social expectations had everything to do with that reality. I have attempted to build different expectations for my teens. Now, it may be just a heck of a streak of good luck, but my kids, who were exclusively homeschooled until age 13-14, and mostly part-time homeschooled thereafter, have not become "typical teens" in that respect.

Sure, they've pulled away a little. They've developed stronger senses of privacy. They've become self-conscious about new facets of their physical and emotional development. Life away from home and parents has taken on greater importance than they used to afford it. Peer relationships have become more mature and more important to them. But their sense of who they are and of what they believe has remained as strong as ever. They haven't turned against the values and habits they were raised with in their earlier years. 

Being with my kids so much through homeschooling has allowed me to see, and grow to trust, their burgeoning competence. I really believe that this is the key. As they reached their teen years, with near-adult minds and near-adult bodies, I have granted them as much near-adult freedom and responsibility as they've felt ready for. This is a process that began well before adolescence and continued to build rapidly throughout it. I really feel for them, trying to be useful and competent and autonomous in a world that affords teens little respect, and I've been on their side for the most part. I think they get that. 

I think that the depth of understanding and mutual respect that can grow between homeschooling parent and child can make "typical Western teenage rebellion" much less likely.

Perhaps I shall eat my words with child number 4, but she is just 9 and just as delightful (and competent!) as my older kids were at this age. Time will tell.

Miranda

[Cassidy68]

Miranda, I wish there was a like button! That was a lovely post to read. My son is 8 and he's awesome- and he just gets more interesting all the time. I enjoy his company so much and it's hard to imagine that ever changing-- so it's good to hear about people enjoying their relationships with their teenagers. 

[Lillian J]

I have absolutely no doubt that it created a tighter bond with my own child, and that it created a tighter bond between his homeschooled friends and their parents. I was in a little crafts class tonight where everyone was chiming in about how hard the teen years are and how they might not have decided to have kids if they'd known ahead of time. I was about to blurt that I hadn't had those kinds of problems when my son was a teen, but then I realized it would be like telling people who were starving that I'd never been hungry, so I zipped my lips. The teen years were basically wonderful.   Lillian

[3littlelambs]

Originally Posted by Lillian J 

I have absolutely no doubt that it created a tighter bond with my own child, and that it created a tighter bond between his homeschooled friends and their parents. I was in a little crafts class tonight where everyone was chiming in about how hard the teen years are and how they might not have decided to have kids if they'd known ahead of time. I was about to blurt that I hadn't had those kinds of problems when my son was a teen, but then I realized it would be like telling people who were starving that I'd never been hungry, so I zipped my lips. The teen years were basically wonderful.   Lillian

from the *few* HSing books I've read, they all seem to assert that this bond is one of the unique byproducts of HSing. I definitely hope so! It is one of the chief reasons I want to HS my kids. I realize that it has a lot to do w/ parenting though. A few parenting books I've read highlight the importance of having a strong connected relationship w/ kids as keys to maintaining harmony, good behavior, respect, etc..and I wonder if it's not that HSing lends itself well to building this kind of relationship w/ your kids. It doesn't guarantee it, but makes it a lot easier?

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by 3littlelambs 

from the *few* HSing books I've read, they all seem to assert that this bond is one of the unique byproducts of HSing. I definitely hope so! It is one of the chief reasons I want to HS my kids. I realize that it has a lot to do w/ parenting though. A few parenting books I've read highlight the importance of having a strong connected relationship w/ kids as keys to maintaining harmony, good behavior, respect, etc..and I wonder if it's not that HSing lends itself well to building this kind of relationship w/ your kids. It doesn't guarantee it, but makes it a lot easier?

Yes - absolutely. It can provide lots of time and opportunity to build the relationship in more ways than if you just see them in the evenings and on weekends when they have some free time. You get to start your day together in a leisurely way, to stay up late at night reading together if you want, to have conversation at all different times of day or evening, to play, to go on field trips and other outings together, to share all sorts of fun activities - and you avoid the kinds of peer pressures that tend to divide families. It's calmer and more relaxed, and it gives everyone more time - time to be themselves in a comfortable setting, to explore their interests, to daydream, to grow, to get to know their families in a more relaxed and ongoing way...  - Lillian

[Lillian J]

I just want to add to what I wrote above, that social life is much more crucially important to some children and teens than it is to others. I knew several moms who pulled their sons out of school around age 9 or 10 to homeschool, and the moms were absolutely thrilled to have the close companionship of their sons and to share interesting learning experiences of all kinds with them, but they weren't willing to bother getting out there to join the local homeschoolers in enough of a social community for their sons and/or to let their sons go off to play enough on their own at others' homes or have enough play days at theirs. I personally knew three different boys who finally balked and demanded to go to school around age 12 or so - and they did just fine with school. Frankly, I was happy for them when they did that - they knew what they needed, and they hadn't been getting it. So I talk about the joys of homeschooling with the expectation that the parents will be listening to the kids and seeing to their needs rather than projecting their own needs onto them. Homeschooling is for the kids, and, yes, for the families, but parents need to have their own hobbies, interests, and satisfying social connections that are not dependent on homeschooling.  - Lillian