how to tactfully ask a guest to leave who has overstayed welcome

[anon_abroad]

I have a huge dilemna going on - in a time of need a family member sugggested coming to stay with me to offer moral support. Before I gave a definitve answer this family member bought an air ticket to come for 5 F'N WEEKS!!! I am half-way through the 5 weeks, but am starting to think it was actually RUDE and SELFISH of this person to book such a long stay without my definitve OK on the situation. I had initailly suggested 3 weeks.

I have made this person understand I am stressed by their presence and even asked her to leave before the 5 weeks, which she refused to do saying that I didn't have to worry about entertaining her...etc but the thing is I AM F'N ANNOYED by this person. At a time when I needed moral support, I realise I am much better off when self-sufficient, and she is about 98% of my stress load at the moment.

Suggestions?

[HappyHappyMommy]

anon__abroad, how frustrating that instead of the support you were hoping for, the situation has brought more stress. Perhaps you could nicely but firmly say "I really appreciate that you want to support me. Because I know that you want to support you, I trust that you will understand when I say that what I need, what would most supportive right now, is to have space and to have my house to myself and I will need you to leave by [DATE]. I appreciate the effort you made to come and I'd like for us to go do something fun before you leave on [DATE]. What can I do to help you make your travel arrangements?" The something fun could be going out for lunch, going for a walk or a hike, window shopping, seeing a movie, etc.
 

[erigeron]

If she refused to leave when you asked her to, you're sort of beyond tactful. You can try the suggestion in the above post. It sounds, though, like this person might be mad at you no matter how you approach it. 

[Adaline'sMama]

If you give me her email address, Ill send her a link to this thread :) 

It seems like she just isnt taking the hint. Maybe something like, " I really appreciate you offering to come here to support me, but Im really stressed out and I just need to be alone right now. Im sorry to change your plans, but I really am going to have to insist on having my personal space back."

[anon_abroad]

Ok I did it! I had 'the conversation' again, because I hated being upset with her, I wanted to resolve the situation so we could at least enjoy each other's company, however long it would last.

I explained VERY CLEARLY (ok, I raised my voice a bit ) how conflicted I was becuase I seriously appreciate the effort she is making to be near me, but at the same time I feel the stay is too long, and hard to fit it into my hectic schedule, causing me much more stress than help.

This time she heard me, she will look into shortening her stay by 1 week. And in the end, even if she can't do that, I feel better for having totally cleared the air. I do feel a bit mean about it thoguh, but I told her she sort of put me in this position by booking her flights without telling me, so we have to share the responisibility of this 'mess' 50-50%.

I believe the first time 'round she didn't realise how stressed I felt, and didn't take the hint. So this time I said that it was a bit selfish of her to take the stance of insisting she wouldn't leave early after I had tried to explain the difficult position I was in...and she got it.

whew!

[Adaline'sMama]

Awesome! Good job standing up for yourself. Do you feel like she is upset?

[anon_abroad]

Actually she's relieved as well! because there's no more tension between us! and she has already arranged to leave 1 week early! It's a good compromise that we're both happy with, once we both got over the initial 'sting' of the discussion.

It just really shows me how being honest is always the best thing, no matter how difficult it is to spit out the words.
 

[HappyHappyMommy]

Originally Posted by anon_abroad 

Ok I did it! I had 'the conversation' again, because I hated being upset with her, I wanted to resolve the situation so we could at least enjoy each other's company, however long it would last.

...

whew!

Originally Posted by anon_abroad 

Actually she's relieved as well! because there's no more tension between us! and she has already arranged to leave 1 week early! It's a good compromise that we're both happy with, once we both got over the initial 'sting' of the discussion.

It just really shows me how being honest is always the best thing, no matter how difficult it is to spit out the words.
 

and ! Congratulations and I hope the rest of the time you have together goes well. Thanks for updating; it's inspiring.

I'm sending you support in general during this time of need.

[anon_abroad]

HappyHappyMummy, that's so kind of you! thank you!

Edited to add: In case anyone is ever in this situation and then fears they might regret asking the guest to leave, I'm offering my feelings from the following days: BEST DECISION EVER. NO REGRETS. The same issues that led to me cut the visit short of course occur several times a day, and of course it was the best way to go.

Edited by anon_abroad - 9/27/12 at 5:31am

[HappyHappyMommy]

Originally Posted by anon_abroad 

HappyHappyMummy, that's so kind of you! thank you!

Edited to add: In case anyone is ever in this situation and then fears they might regret asking the guest to leave, I'm offering my feelings from the following days: BEST DECISION EVER. NO REGRETS. The same issues that led to me cut the visit short of course occur several times a day, and of course it was the best way to go.

This update really made me smile. to you.