"Because I said so!"

[newmamalizzy]

I've started to say this sometimes to my 2.5 year old.  She likes to badger me with a cascade of whys whenever I tell her something that needs to happen/not happen.  Sometimes I say, "It's a rule in our house," and that satisfies her pretty well.  It's those times when the reason is too hard to explain....that's when I have trouble.  So, what do you all say when your child is making a long discussion over something you ask of them?

[treegardner]

If I can tell DS is just asking questions to put off doing what has been asked, then I just tell him that he knows what I have asked him to do. I don't engage him after that.

 

[crunchy_mommy]

I try to answer all the why's but sometimes when I can't deal with it, I tell him I'll be happy to talk about it more at another time but right now I just need him to do XYZ. I also find when it gets to this point that I need to physically help him with whatever I'm asking him to do/not to do.

[sassyfirechick]

Depending on the reason for the 'why' - you could say "that's a great question and I'd love to talk about it and hear what you think about it too, so why not think about it and we will get together later and tell eachother what we come up with".

[mnj77]

You could go with "That's just how it is."  That takes you out of the equation and maybe heads off a power struggle.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I agree -- if its just asking for the purpose of delaying then I just say "Please go do XYZ now" and disengage.  But I also have a general philosophy that, if I can't explain why I am asking for something in an age-appropriate sentence, maybe I should re-think the request.  Sometimes I find that pulling up short and examining what I'm actually asking reveals that I am engaged in what I call "reflexive parenting"  -- doing something without any real thought, mostly because that's why MY mother did.  As a general rule I try to question everything that falls into that category in my quest to do things differently.
 

[newmamalizzy]

Well, I don't think she's deliberately delaying.  She lives to converse, and a why-why-why conversation is par for the course about anything around here.  But she doesn't quiet seem to get the "Mom is in charge" concept.  She does seem to believe that some of these things are matters of conversation, whereas I do not plan to change my mind.  The problems are usually with things like, she wants to play in the sink, but it's full of dirty dishes.  She wants to know why I can't just wash them all right then so she can play in the sink.  All of the responses to this are things her little toddler mind can't grasp - not enough time, it's not what I planned to do right then, if we do that, then we can't do x other thing later, etc.  The other problem area is with matters of probability - "you could fall" gets the response, "Oh, I'll be careful Mommy.  I won't fall."  I think I'm searching for a way to help her grasp the concept that sometimes, just because I'm mommy, she has to do what I say.  I don't want to be a tyrant about it, and she gets a lot of say in our house, but she does need to recognize that I'm the one in charge. 

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by newmamalizzy 

Well, I don't think she's deliberately delaying.  She lives to converse, and a why-why-why conversation is par for the course about anything around here.  But she doesn't quiet seem to get the "Mom is in charge" concept.  She does seem to believe that some of these things are matters of conversation, whereas I do not plan to change my mind.  The problems are usually with things like, she wants to play in the sink, but it's full of dirty dishes.  She wants to know why I can't just wash them all right then so she can play in the sink.  All of the responses to this are things her little toddler mind can't grasp - not enough time, it's not what I planned to do right then, if we do that, then we can't do x other thing later, etc.  The other problem area is with matters of probability - "you could fall" gets the response, "Oh, I'll be careful Mommy.  I won't fall."  I think I'm searching for a way to help her grasp the concept that sometimes, just because I'm mommy, she has to do what I say.  I don't want to be a tyrant about it, and she gets a lot of say in our house, but she does need to recognize that I'm the one in charge. 

I really, really feel your pain here.  I have two of this kind of kid, 6 and 8.  It has gotten a little bit better, but it still makes me want to pull my hair out a lot. *EVERYTHING* is up for negotiation, and their "negotiations" are very creative, and oftentimes just not possible logistically.  The playful parenting thing of "oh yes, I'd love to X" (and filling in an outlandish thing) mostly pisses them off because it's patronizing to them.  

It's very, very draining sometimes.  And I swore I'd not use that phrase, but....I do.  It's usually about things we've discussed dozens of times already and they're still asking or trying to offer an unreasonable alternative.  

I'm sure this does not make you feel any better, but at least you know you're not alone.  LOL!

[The4OfUs]

I can't tell you how many times I've heard the "Oh, I'll be careful, that won't happen" and....it happens.  And someone is hurt, or something is broken or damaged beyond repair.  If I had a nickel, I'd be a millionaire.  With as bright as they are you'd *think* by this point they'd realize that I'm not just blowing smoke when I tell them I think something is a bad idea and why, that I actually have life experience and knowledge that informs me on situations....they do not seem to learn lessons the easy way, or even after the hard way the first few times. I guess we've never had a truly traumatic injury, thankfully so I can at least count that blessing.  And stuff is, I suppose, just stuff.  

It's still very emotionally draining.  

[mnj77]

Love the endless negotiations. I say "dd, it's not going to happen" and disengage. Maybe it helps that by now dd knows that means it is actually not going to happen? Sometimes I get tears at that point, but negotiations are over.

[azzeps]

I don't think I realized that my mom was always right until I was an adult.  I should have just listened to my mom all along.  Maybe someday your daughter will see that, too. :)

[mamazee]

I try to remember to turn it around and ask, "Why do you think?" But I admit to saying this as well. I hear my mom's voice coming out of my mouth.

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by mamazee 

I try to remember to turn it around and ask, "Why do you think?" 

 I do this too sometimes, but I have to watch and be very conscious of my tone (channel robot Zen mommy) because it gets very sarcastic/snarky coming out of my mouth, very easily.  

WHYYYYYYYY do you THINK I don't want you standing on the office chair and spinning in circles?  Could it be....oh, I don't know, because the last time you ignored me and did it you broke the monitor and got hurt?  YEP, that's PROBABLY why.  

[stacyyork]

A couple tips that I have learned from my own kiddos and working with other kiddos...they never know the answer to "WHY?"  "why" is an abstract concept and kids won't start being able to answer this question until they are in middle school and sometimes not even high school.  So, I try not to put their why questions back on them.  I try to reframe it using who, what, when, or where.  For example, "Mommy, why do we have to...."  I say, "Tell me what we do when we have to...." Or, giving them an explanation like "this is how our family runs" "this is what our team does to make things go smoother."  "All those whys means your brain is working really well."  I have also used the popsicle stick strategy...your kiddo gets 5 popsicle sticks for a certain period of time...say 5 before lunch.  Then, they have to think about when they use their popsicle stick for a why question.  Every time they ask a why, they give you a stick.  When, they run out of sticks, they can't ask any why questions until the next time. 

[MariaMadly]

I was the laughingstock or our playgroup when I told a toddler something was a "safety issue."  Yep.  Used those words on a 16-month-old.  The thing is, I used it with mine as a shorthand, and we were used to it, so it did work.  I am such a dweeb.

My two are 23 and 19 now, both wonderful men, and the downside of raising them to question everything is that they started with DH and me. 
 

[newmamalizzy]

Wow, I would need a LOT of sticks.  But, yes, the why's are like a discipline issue in and of themselves.   Things like "Why is that a potato?" drive me bonkers.  BONKERS!  So I like the idea of turning the question around in a more concrete form.  I'll definitely give that a try.
 

[NiteNicole]

Originally Posted by stacyyork 

A couple tips that I have learned from my own kiddos and working with other kiddos...they never know the answer to "WHY?"  "why" is an abstract concept and kids won't start being able to answer this question until they are in middle school and sometimes not even high school.  So, I try not to put their why questions back on them.  I try to reframe it using who, what, when, or where.  For example, "Mommy, why do we have to...."  I say, "Tell me what we do when we have to...." Or, giving them an explanation like "this is how our family runs" "this is what our team does to make things go smoother."  "All those whys means your brain is working really well."  I have also used the popsicle stick strategy...your kiddo gets 5 popsicle sticks for a certain period of time...say 5 before lunch.  Then, they have to think about when they use their popsicle stick for a why question.  Every time they ask a why, they give you a stick.  When, they run out of sticks, they can't ask any why questions until the next time. 

Really?  I find my six year old pretty much always knows why, especially if it's related to not being able to do something or having to do it.  She doesn't LIKE it, but she knows.  Why is the sky blue, why is that a potato (ha!), why  did they invent baths - well she might not know for sure but she has (often entertaining, sometimes really complex) ideas and certainly asking why helps her to use some logic and think. 

I ask, "why do you think" with pretty much all the kids I deal with and I've yet to stump one. 

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by MariaMadly 

My two are 23 and 19 now, both wonderful men, and the downside of raising them to question everything is that they started with DH and me. 
 

I have to almost constantly remind myself of this, lest I start to wish I had obedient robot children.

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by NiteNicole 

Really?  I find my six year old pretty much always knows why, especially if it's related to not being able to do something or having to do it.  She doesn't LIKE it, but she knows.  Why is the sky blue, why is that a potato (ha!), why  did they invent baths - well she might not know for sure but she has (often entertaining, sometimes really complex) ideas and certainly asking why helps her to use some logic and think. 

I ask, "why do you think" with pretty much all the kids I deal with and I've yet to stump one. 

My 10-year-old understands "why" and has for a long time. I don't even remember how long, but certainly years. My 3-year-old does not and will answer with where or when or what or something instead.

[AmyC]

Originally Posted by newmamalizzy 

Well, I don't think she's deliberately delaying.  She lives to converse, and a why-why-why conversation is par for the course about anything around here.  But she doesn't quiet seem to get the "Mom is in charge" concept.  She does seem to believe that some of these things are matters of conversation, whereas I do not plan to change my mind.  The problems are usually with things like, she wants to play in the sink, but it's full of dirty dishes.  She wants to know why I can't just wash them all right then so she can play in the sink.  All of the responses to this are things her little toddler mind can't grasp - not enough time, it's not what I planned to do right then, if we do that, then we can't do x other thing later, etc.  The other problem area is with matters of probability - "you could fall" gets the response, "Oh, I'll be careful Mommy.  I won't fall."  I think I'm searching for a way to help her grasp the concept that sometimes, just because I'm mommy, she has to do what I say.  I don't want to be a tyrant about it, and she gets a lot of say in our house, but she does need to recognize that I'm the one in charge. 

With the sort of situation you describe (the sink, or times when my objection is about what "could" happen and not wanting to go there), I do tend to respond along the lines of "Because I said so" but I don't use those words.

But I am clear about the fact that I am making a decision: it is about whether or not I am willing to do something, and I'm not.  Basically, that is the language I use: "I'm not willing to....," or "I'm insisting on this."

To me, this is communication that is clear and honest, and it also gives the child something with which to "come into contact."

I think trying to establish the "rightness" or "validity" of a parental decision by explaining the "right" reasons for it (answering the WHY? questions with reasons that we hope will be convincing and will satisfy the questioning) is frustrating to a child for legitimate reasons.  Sometimes, we (as parents) are making decisions based on our preferences or personal limits.  It's not really about the decision being "right" or its alternatives somehow wrong, unsafe or unreasonable---it's a matter of a choice we've made!

We may actually HAVE "enough" money for X purchase, but we're not willing.  It may actually be POSSIBLE to wash all the dishes (or relocate them, or whatever) so that a young child can safely play in the sink, but we're not willing to do so.

It's not about whether or not our reasons are valid, but simply that in these situations, the decision is a matter of us exercising our parental power.
 

I think it is helpful to children when we communicate in ways that acknowledge this.  I have observed that it's quite helpful to my own children.  When I speak in this way my children aren't put in a position of having to accept that what they want is somehow wrong, unreasonable or unwise (and that's why it can't happen.)  They simply learn that they've encountered a personal limit.  There's a lot more "room" in this for their own preferences and feelings.  We aren't focused on the validity of the wish, with me trying to explain why it can't & even shouldn't happen.  I don't have to validate my positions by suggesting that they are "right."

Thinking and speaking this way helps keep me in contact with my choice in life (I don't feel like I "have" to do or decide this or that.)  This means I'm less likely to get frustrated when my child is unhappy about something.  When I feel like I "had" to do this or I "couldn't" allow it, I tend to feel frustrated when my child isn't accepting of my reasons, and I am more likely to get irritated with protests or expressions of unhappiness.  When I'm in touch with the reality that I chose the limit and said No to an option out of needs of my own or other pressing concerns or competing duties, then I am validating that choice and don't feel as defensive about it (and resistant of the child's feelings in response.)

"I'm not willing to...." or "I'm insisting on this" are two examples of a kind of "I message" that has made my life MEASURABLY better simply by reducing my tension & frustration, and has really improved cooperation in the household.  I think that's because when I openly own the fact that I am exerting my power in these situations, my kids don't feel as pushed, like I'm "convincing" them of the rightness of decisions.  They can much more easily respect & accept personal decisions based on what I feel like I can handle/do, and what I'm willing (or not willing) to consider.  I'm calling it like it is (because these situations ARE a matter of exercising power!)

It also keeps me in touch with my ACTUAL feelings and limits, so I'm not on auto-pilot.  I find what I really am or am not willing to do or allow, when I think and speak in this way (rather than presenting the decision as if it's based in what's right.)

It's also about owning what I think or believe.  Of course, what I think about situations is rooted in good sense and sometimes very valid and sound reasoning, but the validity does not so much lie in the decision/opinion being sound as it lies in my personal responsibility to assess situations and make decisions I can live with.  (The fact that I believe/think that something is dangerous, and am not willing to permit it, is a lot easier for my child to accept than is the suggestion that what they want "IS" dangerous or that what I fear "WILL" happen.)