"Because I said so!" - Page 2

[AmyC]

One other thought I had was that the statements I'm describing in place of "because I said so!" are basically communicating with compassion, in a caring way.

It's not frustration or annoyance speaking, and it's not like barking something that (hopefully) will shut up the objections.  That's a very defensive, antagonistic shut-down.  (I think most of us dislike the idea of "Because I said so" for those reasons....we don't want to suggest that how children feel and what they think doesn't matter.)

But trying to root our decisions in "what is right" engages us in a subtle struggle that invalidates the "other" side.  (Or their expressing upset challenges OUR validity, which is why it is draining and irritating to us.)

Conflict is okay.  Disagreement is okay.  Wanting a different outcome or answer is okay.  When we own that we are exercising our parental power and making a decision in a situation, we leave room for dissent (we aren't trying to "answer" everything so that conflict & disagreement go away.)  This was the aspect of speaking personally and owning my choice that changed things so much for me.

[newmamalizzy]

Thank you, AmyC.  You really nailed the source of the conflict I feel when I have the urge to say "Because I said so" - like it dismisses her, like I'm acting dictatorial, etc.  The problem has by no means gone away, so I will definitely try your approach.  I can definitely see her continuing to "why" in response, but....that's just her. 

I've actually found that she seems to respond to verbal training, like I do when I want her to stop whining.  I use the "provide the words and tone you want her to use" method, and it works very well.  So sometimes when I say something and she asks why, I'll say "Oh, is that so?"  Or some more appropriate type of conversational language.  She seems to accept that, so I'm wondering if the part of the "why" battle is really just her not really knowing the appropriate way to respond yet?

[salr]

AmyC, that was so helpful to me!  Owning your personal limits and the difference between doing that and coming up with a Reason is something I will definitely think on.  I like the "I'm not willing to" phrasing.  I know I've used "I'm not going to do that" or "That's not happening" myself.  And I also agree that the goal is to say those things in a compassionate way. 

I just really loved your first post in this thread and I think I will print it out and read it over and over.

I haven't gotten to the Why stage yet but I am dealing with a lot of conflicting thoughts and actions on parental power and when to let things go vs when to set a limit.

Newmamalizzy, I think that you might be right about Why just being a placeholder for making conversation.

[mmeehs17]

My response to my son's "Why" questions was to give him more info than he needed.  Why is the sky blue?  The sky is not actually blue, it's all colors but  blue due to the blah blah blah.  I "would go into incredible detail.  His response?  "Oh"  And that was it. No more whys.  And he's incredibly smart...

[MrsBone]

If my son has a question that I can use the response, because that's how God made it/them, etc. that's usually what I'll use. I try and give him reasons for everything else but occasionally ill pull the "because I said so." Sometimes it's just really draining and tiring to have to come up with an answer to everything . My parents did the whole "because I said so," and while it was frustrating at the time, I get it now! I don't think it's bad to say every now bed then. Sometimes parents do know best and kids just need to accept that. The older they get the easier I think.

[lanamommyphd07]

Recently I felt quite growly about the dishes in the sink as well, and we're pretty consensual living around here. I'm regularly fighting my own childhood experiences with a dictator, but here's what happened:

DD: I'm going to give my baby a bath. (pulling up a chair to the sink)

Me: That would not be a good idea just now.

DD: Why not? (whinnnnneeeeee)

Me: There are so many dishes in there that your baby would get all gross if you put her with them.

DD: But I wannnnnt toooooo giveeee my babbbbbyyyyyyy a bath!

My knee-jerk, but this only happened in my head: "well, you little whiner! You have been asking me for food all freaking night long, and then barely eating what I put together for you, only to whine about more I'm hungries minutes later and I'm frankly exhausted and don't want one more effing dish to manage. I'm not washing one damned thing until your butt is asleep and out of my way!! You just wait! I'll turn this place into a battleship and you'll get only one dinner and then you can SUFFER because I'm the freaking boss around here, not you!! You can hop to it and wash the stupid things!"

But I recovered.

Me: why not use the bathroom sink just this once, and I'll bet you will find yourself feeling hungry again, so why not think about what precisely you will want for one last snack before I wash up all the dishes from the other foods today? Looking at all those dishes from today makes me feel oh so tired! 

And then the miracle happened..."mom? Can I wash some of the dishes when I get done with the bath?"

I guess my point is--every single time I've felt like saying "I'm the boss!! Because I said so!!" it's something else nagging at me and I benefit from a moment of introspection.

[One_Girl]

I sometimes say something similar when I can't think of a good reason but also know that I absolutely don't want something to happen and I don't have patience for debate. I know myself and dd well enough to know that "that's not an option right now...because its not...you can do x, x, or x" is better for our relationship than ignoring my feelings then bursting with annoyance. I also sometimes use something I read in an Alfie Kohn book and don't engage when the answer won't change once I have given an actual reason why I don't want something to happen.

I do think that most of the time questions should be answered even if the answer is that you are too tired to prepare the way for an activity or you don't feel like doing something. Even kids get tired and don't feel like doing things and it sounds more genuine than just a flat because I said so.

[VedasMama]

I try very hard to not say such a thing; so much so that my daughter will call me on it if I do. In lieu of 'because I said so', i lean towards, 'because I asked you (not) to'.