Put my foot down and I feel terrible :(

[Thing1Thing2]

Put my foot down with my 4 year old Aspie today and he had a meltdown. I have never seen that much anger in him before. It was as if some terrible injustice was being done to him.

Here's what happened. We went for our walk and it started to rain - just a little drizzle. But we weren't finished with our walk. We usually stop at the playground and then go around the pond and come back home. Well he was so upset that I said we had to go home. I didnt want to stay out in the rain - not with my 1 year old in the wrap.

So we got halfway home and he stopped holding my hand. He knows he has to hold my hand in the street. That is non negotiable. And he threw a fit and was running into the road.

So I had to carry him kicking and screaming - while also holding the baby in the wrap. I carried him up the stairs and thats when he really went wild. I had to put him in the room and close the door and hold it so I could put the baby in a safe place. It wasnt even for 3 minutes.

All this time he was hitting and kicking the door and walls and screaming like his heart was breaking.

My heart was breaking.

Then I had him come out and he fell asleep.

Do you ever feel like you have *no idea* how to help someone - and maybe it's your fault. Im trying to figure out what I did wrong...

Most of the time - I let him have what he wants before he has the meltdown..

[DeaGemRy]

:-( it must be so hard. My two don't have Aspergers but I have done a bit of research when we didn't know what was wrong with DD4yo. As a mother, I think you did the right thing. Although he is a special needs boy, you still have another child & I'm sure it wont be the first time. Hugs & don't beat yourself up.

[DanishMom]

So sorry mama. I'm also an aspie mom. I know how helpless you can feel during these meltdowns. You did the right thing. Hugs to you.

[Thing1Thing2]

Thanks for the hugs :) He was so clingy when he woke up. I thought it would be the opposite - that he would hate me forever. We talked about anger and how to control it. He said his belly hurt and thats why he fell asleep.

Gosh I hope that never happens again, but somewhere inside I know it will :( Just hope Im more prepared next time.

[Linda on the move]

  I'm sorry. I know it isn't your fault. Throwing a fit and running into the road just can't happen. It's a safety thing. There are things in my DDs life that just have to be how they are.

Sometimes, I feel like parenting a kid on the spectrum would be easier if I didn't believe in APing and GD and all the rest. If in my heart I were more of a mainstream parent, I don't think these kinds of things would get to me the way they do. For me, there is a conflict between being the parent my ASD dd needs, and parenting the way I was planning on from reading books.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

Sometimes, I feel like parenting a kid on the spectrum would be easier if I didn't believe in APing and GD and all the rest. If in my heart I were more of a mainstream parent, I don't think these kinds of things would get to me the way they do. For me, there is a conflict between being the parent my ASD dd needs, and parenting the way I was planning on from reading books.

This. I struggle with this so much, the discrepancy between my parenting ideals and the reality of what DS needs from me. It's so hard... I don't think you did anything wrong. I'm dealing with some similar issues lately and I feel so emotionally depleted. I'm sorry. If you keep talking about it, you will be ready next time to deal with it in a way that feels safer to your child, but that doesn't mean you did something wrong this time.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by Thing1Thing2 

Thanks for the hugs :) He was so clingy when he woke up. I thought it would be the opposite - that he would hate me forever. We talked about anger and how to control it. He said his belly hurt and thats why he fell asleep.

The last tantrum ds had like this he was 6yo. Tantrums like ds' were like a hurricane that continues until it is spent.

[Thing1Thing2]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

Sometimes, I feel like parenting a kid on the spectrum would be easier if I didn't believe in APing and GD and all the rest. If in my heart I were more of a mainstream parent, I don't think these kinds of things would get to me the way they do. For me, there is a conflict between being the parent my ASD dd needs, and parenting the way I was planning on from reading books.

Yes - I feel the conflict too. Its so confusing to find the line between the two parenting styles. For instance, sometimes I just give in because I know that he really is in true need of something. That he actually *needs* to kick the back of my chair when I'm driving (at that moment in time). But other days, I know he is doing it to get attention and maybe to be annoying (if a 4 year old can concieve of that) and thats the tricky part. I mean, how can I say its ok to do it one day and its not ok the next. KWIM? It's tought... And am I sending mixed messages and confusing him even more? Am I letting him "play" me? Am I allowing future behavior problems?

Also, I mysel have some aspergers traits and I find it hard to set boundaries, not really understanding the vagueness of feelings or how to express myself.

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

This. I struggle with this so much, the discrepancy between my parenting ideals and the reality of what DS needs from me. It's so hard... I don't think you did anything wrong. I'm dealing with some similar issues lately and I feel so emotionally depleted. I'm sorry. If you keep talking about it, you will be ready next time to deal with it in a way that feels safer to your child, but that doesn't mean you did something wrong this time.

Thank you for the reassurance. Thinking back, I know it was a difficult situation and most times I have to think before I act. For instance, usually talking to him and explaining what is going to happen helps somewhat. Or negotiating for a walk later may have helped. But at that moment in time, all I wanted to do was get inside -and sometimes I feel I deserve to not have to think think think about how everything is going to affect him, how I can lessen the drama, how I can keep him happy. It's so stressful and way too often I find myself promising a treat to get him to stop what he is doing and want to come back home. That cant be a good thing... But its better then never going out

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emmeline II 

The last tantrum ds had like this he was 6yo. Tantrums like ds' were like a hurricane that continues until it is spent.

Hurricane - well put!