Son being bullied

[lonegirl]

Hi ladies. So have any of you had to do anything with regards to bullying?

My little buddy, Tyr, is 5 (6 in Nov) and in grade 1.  Tyr is being bullied by a boy in his class. He is about 1/2 head taller than Tyr. Their first encounter on the playground the boy literally was choking him. He reported him to his teacher. Tyr is friends with a boy named Jake but Jake is also friends with this boy Jay. Well Jay does everything he can to prevent Tyr from playing with jake (pulling their hands apart, shoving Tyr out of the line -I witnessed this today and his mom made him go behind Tyr) yesterday he tried yelling in his ears but Tyr covered his ears and a "bigger boy" in grade 3 stopped him- and told Tyr that he was likely trying to get attention. Today he was knocking down tyr's tower and messing with his game he was playing.

I over heard the teacher and gym teacher talking to the kid's mom last week telling her it had to stop (the boy had been sent to the office 2times that day and was waiting in the office while they spoke). I spoke with the teacher today and apparently Tyr is not the only target. She is trying to keep them separated as much as possible. But the playground is a different story. While it is supervised there are so many kids there to watch that things happen.  Aside from the choking (**ACK!) the other things have been relatively minor and I thought maybe it was a jealousy thing....but it is continuing everyday! Tyr is a pretty passive little guy and it is sad to see this happening.  Plus he can't really play with his buddy now because of this kid.

Tyr is a very bright and only child and has always been content to play by himself, but I find it unfortunate that now he spends most of his lunch and recess playing alone.  Sadly unrelated to the bullying the other 2 kids he played with are in grade 3 and girls and now they don't want to play with him.

Any suggestions??

[Emmeline II]

Excerpt: The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander ...

[Virginia Mom]

Anyway you can volunteer at recess/lunch? and make a 'presence' .....another option is to get the school guidance involved........and make an official complaint with the principal.......legally, they have a list of 'corrective actions' that need to be done ....choking a child, even in first grade is not to be tolerated...........talk with principal...if that doesn't work, get the district invovled.....

good luck

[lonegirl]

Originally Posted by Virginia Mom 

Anyway you can volunteer at recess/lunch? and make a 'presence' .....another option is to get the school guidance involved........and make an official complaint with the principal.......legally, they have a list of 'corrective actions' that need to be done ....choking a child, even in first grade is not to be tolerated...........talk with principal...if that doesn't work, get the district invovled.....

good luck

 I'd love to...but I work 8-6 or 8 most days - plus I'd have to pay to get a police background check.  I have Wednesdays that I could but that is it.  If I continue to hear a daily account I will book an appt to talk (at length) with the teacher.

Separating them, I guess, reduces the opportunity but doesn't get to the heart of the matter imo.  It sounds like this kid has issues - especially as ds is not the only target. 

The school board has a safe school policy that I have just started reading. 

thanks for your help

[Mittsy]

What is the boys family life like? Is it a possibility there is abuse going on inside of the home? This behavior sounds pretty extreme to me. While I have known boys of this age to push, hit, kick, pull hair.... I don't believe I've heard about choking. I guess I'm wondering where the boy has learned this behavior from. Does the school have the boy in counseling at least? Are there possible learning/behavioral/developmental disorders going on here?

[One_Girl]

I email each incident to the teacher and principal. In your case I would definitely write an email stating that you understand they are trying to stop the bullying but that your son isn't able to form friendships because the boy stops him from playing with others. I would also ask that they have the boy play only where he the duty teachers can see him easily. It sounds like they are making a good effort to stop the boy so if you meet with anyone I think it should be an administrator not the teacher because the playground supervision and more serious consequences, like expulsion, can only come from administration.

[ollyoxenfree]

In addition to talking to the teacher and the principal about their steps to deal with the bully and enforce the safe school policy, I would talk with the teacher about helping your son to find more friends in his class. First, there is a little more safety in numbers. Playing with a group may help him avoid this bully. Second, it sounds like he could use a little assistance in connecting with some of the other kids. 

The teacher can identify a few classmates who are likely to connect with your son. She can encourage them by getting them to work together or run errands together during class time. You can arrange after school or weekend playdates. You can role play with him a little at home about approaching other kids, joining in on games, inviting them to play with him etc....

[whatsnextmom]

First off. Hugs to you and your baby. I concur with the recommendation that you speak to the principal. It's great the teacher is trying but this may be too big an issue for her alone. Lunch staff and principal all need to be involved too. Being bullied changes kids and this needs to be turned around ASAP. The positive is that is sounds like this kid is lashing out at the world and that is actually easier to handle than if your child was being covertly targeted.

We had bully issues with my DS starting 3rd grade but it was sort of a different situation. He was being specifically targeted by a group of boys for religious reasons (but they made sure to give him a hard time for being smart and younger too.... and BTW, he was the right age for the class, THEY were more than a year older because they were started late... so they could be bigger and stronger.) Their parents were supportive of their behavior and so no matter what the school did, they could only ever keep his body safe. They couldn't stop the constant stream of ugly remarks in the hall, the bathroom,  under-the-breath in class on the way to the pencil sharpener. Eventually, we pulled him out of a program he loved to get him away from them and he has thrived in every area including socially ever since (7th grade now.)

[limabean]

That's awful, I'm so sorry. 

In addition to speaking to the principal about how to better supervise this child during recess, can you invite Jake (and maybe some other classmates too) over for regular playdates so that your son's relationship with him doesn't go by the wayside? Maybe if they're seeing each other regularly outside of school it'll strengthen their bond and Jake (and the other kids) won't be as likely to be swayed by Jay while they're at school. 

What a crappy thing to have to deal with in 1st grade -- I hope things get better soon. The good thing is that the school seems aware of the problem -- I would just keep being a squeaky wheel until they do more to stop it. 

[IdentityCrisisMama]

It sounds like you've gotten some good ideas so far. I agree that if the teacher is helpful in acknowledging the problem, that maybe addressing the principal as well to see about getting more supervision during recess. With an incident like choking - it seems like the school has a responsibility (both legally and ethically) to supervise recess far better than they are currently.  

Not so much bullying, but my DC has dealt with on and off issues of jealousy and etc. What I have found helpful is to use these as teaching moments for my DC so at least some good can come of it. This, of course, doesn't replace all the other stuff we do like speaking with the school and etc. but I thought I'd throw it out there. 

So, I would emphasize compassion for the other kid and offer solutions that help include the other child. I would task my child with reaching out and problem solving. A word of caution is that this can seem like a lot of responsibility to a young one so you've got to be sure not to lay it on too much. You could role play and see if you can give your DC some skills for how to handle specific situations. I would talk to him about how we all have strengths and we all struggle with things and that socialization is a skill that is learned and that this other kid is still working on this stuff. Help him see that it isn't him but it's the other child struggling. Tell him he can help if he wants. Give him skills for polite avoidance if that seems like how he wants to go. Teach him how he can non-confrontationally remove himself (and is other friend if the other friends wants) so they don't hurt this other child's feelings. Of course, your DC may also want to stand up to this - but that's a skill too. See if you can teach him to do that if that's what he wants to do about it. 

But, yes, continue to involve the teachers. In no way to I mean that this is your child's responsibility -- it's just that there are some teaching moments that can go along with additional layers of dealing with this, yk? 

[beanma]

I think Jake needs an adult shadow. I don't know if that's possible or not, but that would be ideal in my book. If he can't play nicely, he needs to have an adult with him at all times. If the adult needs to go somewhere or supervise other kids, Jake needs to follow the adult. It's not fair that he's disrupting so many other kids playing. I would definitely speak to the teacher and administrator about his behavior trying to keep Jay and Tyr apart. I think Jake also needs some empathy and explicit instruction on how to play nicely and what is okay to do when you're mad that the boy you're playing with (Jay) wants to play with another kid (Tyr). Picking on Tyr is not the correct answer. 

[anj_rn]

I think you have gotten some great advice.  We had this situation last year.  After a few phone calls and emails, I emailed a request for a conference with the Assistant Principal for my son's grade and his teacher for a "bullying situation."  At the meeting, I tried to be very calm.  I used a lot of reporting and feelings statements (i.e.  William has been reporting to me that XX has been doing these things.....)  Then stating that I was very concerned and I wanted to work together to try and resolve the situation.  I was very careful to avoid blaming them (since we will be at the school for a while).  I also let them come up with ideas.  We were able to work out a strategy that worked for us.

The school has to go through certain procedures when dealing with these situations.  In our case, the administartion at the school actually liked having formal complaints of bullying, because it allowed them to take action with paperwork to back them up.

-anj

[LynnS6]

The teacher can't tell you what they're doing about the other child because it violates privacy laws. Honestly, she shouldn't even have let you overhear that conversation. That was unprofessional on her part.

I think the child needs a shadow at the playground. I'd also see if you can invite the other friend over for playdates or see if there are other kids you can invite over for playdates to expand his social circle. A lot of first graders have a really hard time negotiating friendships. Some really don't get the idea that you can be friends with more than one person at a time. My son spent much of first grade being fought over by two little girls who liked to play with him. He was oblivious, but I knew both mothers and so would hear the on-going saga. Eventually they decided on "splitting" him, so that someone got to play with him on MW and someone else T/Th and I don't remember what happened on Fridays.

My point here is that these were two very typically developing kids who had parents who were working hard to help their kids learn to get along, and they couldn't get the message across in first grade. By 2nd grade it was resolved. If there are any developmental or family issues with the child who is bullying, it's going to be harder for him to learn these things and he may be delayed in those skills.

That doesn't mean that you should let this happen, but there may be a myriad of factors that the school needs to track. What you can do is be the thorn in the principal's side. The only thing you can ask for is to help keep your child safe. "What are you doing to make sure my child is safe?" Report all incidents, like others have said. Work on expanding your child's social circle. But don't worry too much about playing alone. Each of my kids spent some time playing alone during certain grades. For dd it was that she was happier not having to negotiate play with other kids. For ds it was that he outgrew playing with the girls and took a year or so to figure out how to play with the boys. While it's heartwrenching to see you child a bit lonely, it's not the end of the world.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

My point here is that these were two very typically developing kids who had parents who were working hard to help their kids learn to get along, and they couldn't get the message across in first grade. By 2nd grade it was resolved. If there are any developmental or family issues with the child who is bullying, it's going to be harder for him to learn these things and he may be delayed in those skills.

My dd had an  issue last year in K with a girl who would tell other children not to play with dd (some listened some didn't) and would seek out dd and inflict other "mean girl" behavior. There were actually several "bullying" children in her class, but the remaider banded together and supported each other. Suddenly, two months before the end of the school year the "mean girl" stopped being mean , and this year they got along fine until she moved.

My ds (who is a year or so behind in maturity and social skill) was on the receiving and giving end (usually in response to receiving) of bullying type behavior. I had daily talks with his teacher about how we (all) could help ds' behavior and what was being done to protect ds from a couple of boys that were particular problems for ds. Though it was never discussed with me, at some point after the winter break one boy who actively sought out ds (whom I suspect had issues similar to ds) was moved to the other 1st grade class.