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Mothering › Groups › May 2013 Due Date Club › Discussions › Anyone doing this on there own? Or in difficult circumstances?

Anyone doing this on there own? Or in difficult circumstances?

post #1 of 7
Thread Starter 

Helloo again, i was just wondering, if any of you lovely ladys were in the same unfortunate situation as myself and have found yourself doing it on your own? Daddy has under no uncertainterms asked me to have an abortion, i have ummed and ahh-ed in a way that tbh is unlike me (i have never even considered abortion an option for me in any one of my pregnancys)  because his mental health is such that im truly scared for him if i continue to have the baby, however i just cant do it.. i was supposed to be aborted, and i wasnt, and i am really greatful i was given this chance at life, that alongside the fact i have suffered multiple miscarriages over the yaers and it was really starting to look like i would never be able to carry a baby past the first trimester (i know im not quite out of the water yet, but i have a good feeling about this one) meant i had to come to the difficult decision to do this on my own.

I am unerstandably scared, but i just cannot imagine getting rid of this little thing in my belly.. it would be lovely to talk to others in a similar situation, either doing it on there own due to being single, or not having an overly supportive partner, or whichever..

 

post #2 of 7

Hey mama.  I'm so sorry for your lack of support.  I haven't dealt with this exact situation myself, but a doula client of mine has, and I can tell you that it has not been easy for her.  Prepare yourself for doing it alone, regardless of how much arm-twisting you are willing to do.  

 

Did you guys have this conversation before you slept together?  Has he had a change of heart?  Or did you know this reaction would come?  Gauge your participation in it so you can reserve blame and resentment.  It's a hard battle- speaking as a child of a single mother, it's not fun for anybody, but it can be done gracefully.

 

I am going to put my neck out here as somebody who believes in all legal options for pregnancy outcomes and say that it should take two no matter what decision is made.  Compulsory parenthood is just that, and it doesn't matter what side you're on (either as a mother or as a father).  If you knew that this was his stance on the outcome, then it may be good to have some compassion for him just as you may for a woman who wanted to abort with an unsupportive partner.  I see it from the other hand, too.  It's just never easy, which is why the life-choosing partner must be the one willing to be the primary parent if you can't come to an agreement.  Now, if he's backing out after not communicating to you about what might happen or taking responsibility in contraception, etc., or misleading you into a pregnancy you thought he was ready for, that's a whole other conversation.

 

I pray that you two can come to an agreement over this process.  Stay strong, mama.  I'm not going through the same thing, but I am having a baby with a second man while going through a divorce with the father of my first.  Life's never picture perfect, is it?  eyesroll.gif  But we get through it with enough support.  Are you around family?  Girlfriends??

post #3 of 7

Very well said, spitbath.

 

 

My daughter's biological father didn't leave us till she was around five months old, so I know single parenting, but I'm sadly without much advice about carrying your baby on your own.  I definitely echo surrounding yourself with a support net (family, friends, etc.).  If that is not possible, then maybe ask your health care provider or Google around for local (and online! ;)) groups.

 

You can do this! <3

post #4 of 7
Thread Starter 

Thankyou both of you :)

About did the ex make it clear he didnt want children? no.. (although he keeps trying to say he did) he even suggested at the begginning of our relationship that if i couldnt have children i could "share" his.. obviously we broke up since then and its complicated and it was in this way an accident but even still the point is that our contraception failed in a way it had done before (and last time i miscarried) and he hadnt insisted on any extra safeguards but its clear his main issue was that he just expected if it happened again for me to abort.. because that is what partners have done in the past when its been the "wrong time" etc. but i jist cannot do that, and cannot understand how someone can just expect that of someone.. even still i do understand if he wants nothing to do with it, obviously its me who makes the choice.. however he wants me to sign duel parental responsibilty, he wants to run to the other side of the country, and so on.. its the fact that he wants it ALLhis way.. and all through this he has threatened to kill himself or other such nasty things if i dont go through with an abortion..

The thing is, although the timing is pretty bad, i have had multiple miscarriages for the last 10 years and the idea now of killing my own baby after finally (i hope) getting to a point where i can carry it to term is not something i can contemplate... the idea just makes me feel physically sickened. :( 

Last night to make it worse he told me him and his brother would spend there days praying i would miscarry if i chose not to have an abortion.. :( i just cannot believe he can say that after everything that has happened.. :( and after all my miscarriages and how he knows they have affected me :(

I guess i'm scared, i have good friends, but i'm not overly close to my family(altho i have long term friends who are like family) and i have a general support network around where i live.. its just the fear of being alone i guess.. my ex has already vocalised his concerns about me seeing someone new whilst preg with his baby, and then eventually meeting someone when baby is born who he feels will replace him, however he also told me early on that i would be immediately on the waste heap single for the rest of my days and no chance ever of a proper family from now on if i chose to have this baby.

Im quite strong, and ive overcame bigger obsticals then this through my life, but i guess theres always those days when you doubt yoursel and when someone is trying to make u doubt yourself at the same time its quite difficult to get it out of your head (sorry for the ramble)

post #5 of 7

timesway

 

I couldn't read this and not comment. Firstly I am glad your Ex is now your Ex. He sounds like someone you don't need in your life. I know the path ahead for you is not going to be easy, but you ARE doing the right thing for you and your baby. Try to focus on surrounding yourself with people you know are going to support you. If you need to, ask your midwife team for the names of groups that can help you. They will have a list of all the different groups for women in your situation. Personally I would also let them know that the EX has been pressuring you to have an abortion so they can get you the right kind of help that you need.

 

You do not have to do this alone. Can I ask what part of the UK you live? I've lived in several places and have friends still scattered all over, so I may be able to put you in touch with someone who can help you if you need it.

 

May you have a peaceful weekend and a healthy, sticky baby.

post #6 of 7
Thread Starter 
Thankyou lovely. It is always sad when an ex becomes an ex.. And him still staying here makes it really raw.. On top of that we both love each other very much still. He however is very bitter about things that happened when we first split up. At which point I had turned into a nervous wreck because I had lost the man I loved in my eyes forever.. I had no idea he would plan to go back on this.. And so did the worst thing Possible because I felt alone and crushed and like a piece of nothing.. Since then he started sleeping with me again and our relationship had intensified.. I foolishly thought this was things getting better.. Him understanding I recognised my mistake and a reconciliation.. His attitude showed love.. But when he found out I was pregnant he immediately started viewing me as evil , stopped sleeping with me and started relapsing wih a drug addiction.. I feel so awful because i feel its my fault that I don't have the family I wish I could have and he is making me feel this way but it had been months since we broke up and i really thought we would get back together.. I guess the difficulty is confounded by the pain of losing the man I love greensad.gif and then made worse by that man then doing the things he is doing and not supporting me in anyway.. I mean praying I miscarry is just too far.. How do unto on when the man u wanted to spend your life with turns like this? I can't stop loving him no matter how cruel he is becoming greensad.gif im so scared of doing this alone..

Thankyou so much for your support, i am in the south west, I guess I just feel so unbelievebly abandoned and all mh friends have been amazing but there is only one person I want to be huggin me and tellin me it will be alright and that's just not realistic /( damn this life sometimes I know I am capable of doing this I am just so so scared for how much sadder this is gonna get through all the milestones.. Having to do them alone greensad.gif argh sorry feeling a bit low tonight ..
post #7 of 7

Let me ask around a few friends, and I'll see if we know of anyone in your part of the country. You don't have to do this alone.

 

I know this isn't how you pictured becoming a mum. I also understand the pain of loving someone who doesn't treat you with the respect and care you deserve (and you do deserve respect and care.) Please feel free to reach out for all and any support that you need. I know you probably don't feel like it right now, but try to focus on the blessings. You are growing a baby inside of you right now. That is a precious and amazing miracle. You have been able to find out the cruel side of your ex BEFORE the baby arrives. While being alone doesn't feel like a blessing right now, it IS better to figure it out before the baby is born than to try to deal with all of this in the postpartum period.

 

I'll try to get back to you as quickly as I can about finding someone IRL that can meet up with you for support if you need/want it.

 

Please be gentle with yourself. You are a wonderful, precious woman fully deserving of love, peace and happiness.

 

Lyn

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