I love my husband. I love my six-week old daughter so deeply it is beyond my comprehension.
I just landed a very low-paying, entry level job at a bookstore like I've always wanted. I'm feeling myself remembering quotes from Palahniuk about how you never like something as much when you have it as you thought you would. "Nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it."
I feel like I have little time with my family due to my new job but it's about to get worse. We can't afford for DH to drive me (was never able to learn to drive due to panic attacks while driving) to and from work every day (30 miles one way), so I'll have to take the bus two hours each way. I'm having a hard time getting enough time to pump as is (exclusively breastfed infant at home). DH hasn't worked in weeks due to his shift (night shift) being suspended at work. He can start working again but only if he does so 7 am to 3 pm, which is the opposite of my schedule (2:30-10:30, usually but sometimes 12:30-8:30 or 11-7 as needed).
I have social anxiety, no friends since moving to Texas from Oregon, and my stress is manifesting itself in physical symptoms like a hives-like rash in new locations every day, itchy and swollen, burning and sometimes sticking an inch off my skin. I have fibromyalgia and the physical nature of my job causes me constant pain and exhaustion.
We literally cannot even afford to put the money up front for prefolds and covers. We live in a tiny apartment in the ghetto and have to go to a laundromat to wash our clothes, which we have to scrape and save for. I can't afford to quit but any time I'm not at work, I'm pumping, sleeping or nursing. I never have two off days in a row. I cry a lot. DD cries for hours and hours every time I leave and spends most of her time apart from me upset.
I want for my husband and I to be able to dig ourselves out of this hole of just scraping by, not being able to afford anything, but we can't afford not to work so we can go to school. My husband donates plasma to keep the gas tank full. There are no corners left to cut.
I feel like I am working for nothing, just to keep on this endless wheel. We both make minimum wage and have no postsecondary education. We have both spent good portions of our adult life homeless, so there are employment and rental history gaps. I just want to be able to get an education so we can afford to move back to Oregon or somewhere we fit in better and have better luck making friends. It seems like this hamster wheel of working minimum wage is self-perpetuating. Being poor is so isolating on its own. Being a misfit social activist dreadlocked POC mother with health issues and a newborn in Texas just adds to it.