Teaching them to not hurt each other/fight

[star8kitten]

My boys are 15 months old and they are starting to fight over everything.  I do have two of somethings but my husband and I decided long ago we were not going to get two of everything just to keep the peace. 

They are also not shy about pushing each other to get what they want and one of them seems to do most of the pushing.

How have y'all dealt with this?  Is this just a phase that will get better with time and encouragement?  got any tricks up your experienced twin mama sleeves?

[queenofchaos]

well, like most anything, modeling is the way to go generally.  try not to focus on what you don't want them to do, but what you do want them to do.  and when one is being aggressive or hurtful, turn 100% of your attention to the one being hurt.  and also draw the other one close and show then how they are hurting the other and how sad that is and how 'we' don't do that and then show what you do want.  also, if you can, try and give them words to use when they are interacting.  then encourage them to use their words, not their hands. 

they understand more than you may think they do, so don't be so concerned about whether they totally get what you are doing.  you are just modeling what you want to see.  they are great mimics at this age.  what you want to develop is a habit of treating people kindly and gently and responding with compassion and care when we accidentally hurt them.  and also, what we do effects others.  or, whatever values your family holds dear...

[zaprmp]

I have 17 month old b/g twins and they sometimes hit each other, often because of "stuff." We've had success with taking turns. Sometimes we just don't have two of something they really want. But even when we do have two of the exact same thing, my daughter will want the one my son has, so ultimately I'm not sure (most days) it matters if we have two. When we take turns, I just tell them we are taking turns and I give each about 1 minute with the item. Luckily, they have been great with this method and usually they are over the item by the second or third turn. My kids can't talk yet, although they are great signers and communicators, so I can't tell them to use their words.

[nd_deadhead]

It is a phase.

My twin boys are 18 years old and just left for college, so forgive me if I don't remember ages exactly!

I do remember bringing them in for their 15-month WBC, and one of them was covered with bite marks. Our dear family doctor took one look at J and said "It looks like B's teeth are coming in nicely!"

Mostly we never, ever left them alone for 5 seconds at that age. They could play nicely beside each other, or they could hit, bite, throw toys, steal toys - in other words, act like young toddlers. I don't remember the exact age, but I'm guessing it was around 2 that I could actually leave them alone together to go to the bathroom by myself (prior to that, I brought one with me and left the other one alone in the living room).

Having two of favorite toys doesn't always help - it seemed my kids could distinguish between apparently identical items, and heaven help us if they got hold of the wrong one!

Hang in there, OP (and everyone else) - it honestly DOES get better! Again, I don't know the exact age, but certainly by the time they were 3 they would play together all day, sharing toys, interacting nicely, and having fun.

Now, as young adults, they are still best friends, and sharing a dorm room at college. I don't know what they come up with to talk to each other about for hours on end, but they do.

[QMtwins]

We really work on taking turns and have since they were about 10 months old...taught them a sign for it and now, at 2.5 they sing the ABCs and then its time for the other's turn.  It does not always work, but its super helpful.  We don't give a lot of praise, but surely when they share spontaneously, we let them know how the other seemed to like it.  "Look how happy that made M that you shared ____ with her."  Or the opposite, "M is really sad and is crying because she would like a turn with __________."  I swear, somedays, statements like those are said about 100 times and I'm ready to poke my eyes out.  But, I reassure myself that all this won't last forever and I'm setting them up for a good emotional/social future!

[Viccy]

I see nothing bad in it! let them fight a little bit. it's always so with twins - on is weaker the other is stronger. but in the end they will complete each other and become best friends - this is for sure. My mom says that my sister and me fought really hard when we were toddlers, but then we grew older and everything was OK. besides, by suppressing the stronger kid you will deprive him of his personality and he'll grow up a milksop (no offence!)

[~Adorkable~]

Viccy, you use a term like Milksop and then say no offense, yuck.  

teaching one to respect the rights of others not to be bullied or injured is not suppression it's direction, it's not depriving him of his personality, it's helping them grow up aware of the effect their actions have on others. and that there is usually a better way to get what you want then fighting. 

i tend to let my twins work a whole lot out be themselves, but i draw the line at various things and I'm working on good ways to teach those lines and how best they can interact that gets their goals met with out it being on the backs of others. (both literally and figuratively)  I've enjoyed reading this thread for how others have approached it.

[star8kitten]

Thanks for all the tips and advice ladies!  Sometimes just hearing others admit it is hard and just something you have to work through is the best thing for me.  Their dynamic is so much fun to watch and to see their personalites emerging is so neat.  I will figure out what works for us, I manage to keep their older brothers from fighting too much so hopefully we will get  through this too.