What does it mean when people say "avoid negative people?" I have heard it quite a lot. I have heard it from some people, motivational gurus etc. There was advice to get rid of this friend I had who was actually a neighbor. ( Now we live in different countries.) But back then many of my friends wondered why I was hanging out with her since she was negative.
I understand it to mean that you take actual steps/actions to have less and less contact with people you feel are not good for you at this time in your life. It might mean stopping getting in touch with a friend you talk to every now and then, or not replying to them when they contact you. With or without an explanation, it depends or how strongly you feel an explanantion is in order. It might mean actually 'breaking up' with a person, not due to an argument in particular, but just becuase you don't like the way that person makes you feel, or you find they bring out the worst in you.
I find that I have frinds/acquiantances that bring out a side of me that I don't really like, that I don't care to develop, and I have interpreted that as being a negative influnece on me. Other people, on the other hand, make me feel like our relationship comes easily, that they encourgae higher, nobler behviour from me, and so I like to nurture and focus on them more than the others.
A pratical example could be stopping to hang out with people who are always complaining: complaining about husbands, work, the bad economy, that life is a struggle...stuff like that. CHOOSE to hang out with people who are positive, but not so unrealistically positive that they're not grounded anymore.
That's my undertsanding of this advice.
It might mean stopping getting in touch with a friend you talk to every now and then, or not replying to them when they contact you. With or without an explanation, it depends or how strongly you feel an explanantion is in order. It might mean actually 'breaking up' with a person, not due to an argument in particular, but just becuase you don't like the way that person makes you feel, or you find they bring out the worst in you.
I have done this in the past but not with friends, with relatives, a v. distant relative that was being too nosy. But I have to say whenever I have done it I feel v. guilty and find it is a weird thing to do. I feel like I am not able to confront this person and tell them what is going on.
So, this person was stuck in the past. She probably was a bit depressed but I think she had come out of a much bigger hole. If you talked to her, her response could be (not always) a little delayed, possibly from being somewhere else. I think she suffered from some amts. of brain fog. She also suffered from a bad memory. I didn't probe her about her health. I just accepted her as she was. 95% of the time her talk was logical and made complete sense except when she would get stuck in the past about a particular incident. I am an orphan. At the time I lived alone. This person was a friend I could talk to and who understood my issues since we lived next to each other as well. Along with that I had the security of knowing her family and knowing I could approach them for help if I really needed it.
I never asked the other friends but I always have thought it was selfish that they would say that. Is mental health so uncommon people don't understand it and even if they haven't been affected by it, just couldn't be bothered to understand it. One of the persons who was strongly against her has a sister with mental health issues from the longest time. Another's sister-in-law had issues but her family totally cut off all realtions with the sis-in-law but made up several years later. The sis-in-law died at age 47. If someone has a mental problem should they not be given a chance to be accepted back into society as normal people? I am not even talking about a violent person just someone who went into some form of depression.
This has kind of bothered me over the years but I would brush it off thinking it's their problem who they want in their lives and who they don't. I feel better now that I talked about it.
Yeah. People can be ruthless and whining and complaining is something someone else does. I encounter people complaining ALL the time. At dd's school, in the parks...
I'll be your friend if you want me to be. PM me anytime. I was assaulted as a child several times and I'll understand. You seem to have had a v. rough childhood and if people aren't empathetic then really it's their problem.
I can't disagree with this more. It's in everyone's interest to hear about "rape, incest, cycles of abuse, lack of community empathy." I honestly don't know my own capacity for immersion in those subjects, but we avoid them completely at our peril and society's.
As a broader answer, I think of someone as being negative if s/he pushes aside what's going well (even if they're feeling well, so I'm not talking about extreme trauma like rightkindofme's) to focus on grievances, or if someone seems to exhibit no interest or effort in handling a situation and improving it.
I would not like to think that 'avoiding negative people' means avoiding people like you. I mean this sincerely. You are going through a process and talking about your experience is part of your process. I personally intend 'negativity' as gratuitous complaining, or people who completely deny/don't even attempt to work through their issues AT ALL, EVER.
I think some people take this (avoid negative people) way too far, and then it becomes bad advice. Lack of empathy is nothing to be proud of. Some people have been traumatized and are hurting through no fault of their own. I'm one of them (abused by my parents, abandoned by extended family, nearly murdered by my exH). I need stable healthy friends to be my role models, but I guess way too many people are really suspicious of ANY sad story, call it drama, and run away. I am soooo angry about this repeated abandonment, and proud of my fight for survival. I really need a good friend, and I'm not getting what I need. I feel like I'm actually getting dangerous, and now I'm isolating myself to protect others from their own stupidity.
We all choose our friends based on different things, not just negativity. I had to dump a friend who was too codependent. I talked honestly about her codependence with her several times, but she just could not or would not change. The friendship was just not enriching for me, so I stopped hanging out with her.
Thank you everyone. I'm glad that MDC is so nice.
I think some people take this (avoid negative people) way too far, and then it becomes bad advice. Lack of empathy is nothing to be proud of. Some people have been traumatized and are hurting through no fault of their own. I'm one of them (abused by my parents, abandoned by extended family, nearly murdered by my exH). I need stable healthy friends to be my role models, but I guess way too many people are really suspicious of ANY sad story, call it drama, and run away. I am soooo angry about this repeated abandonment, and proud of my fight for survival. I really need a good friend, and I'm not getting what I need. I feel like I'm actually getting dangerous, and now I'm isolating myself to protect others from their own stupidity.
We all choose our friends based on different things, not just negativity. I had to dump a friend who was too codependent. I talked honestly about her codependence with her several times, but she just could not or would not change. The friendship was just not enriching for me, so I stopped hanging out with her.
We really have to take care of ourselves. I think that part of the problem for people with complex trauma is they have these layered bad experiences that are very difficult to understand. I feel like the breakdown in communities is partially to blame for the extremity of this issue. I haven't lived in one place very long. No one knows my whole story because they knew me through the events happening. It's really hard for us to make new friends.
I'm on the internet a lot. 
Yeah, there is something really wrong with our society. People who have had a good life, just cannot comprehend how bad it can be for others. But the stable people are needed to work their magic and show the way.
I think some people take this (avoid negative people) way too far, and then it becomes bad advice. Lack of empathy is nothing to be proud of. Some people have been traumatized and are hurting through no fault of their own. I'm one of them (abused by my parents, abandoned by extended family, nearly murdered by my exH). I need stable healthy friends to be my role models, but I guess way too many people are really suspicious of ANY sad story, call it drama, and run away. I am soooo angry about this repeated abandonment, and proud of my fight for survival. I really need a good friend, and I'm not getting what I need. I feel like I'm actually getting dangerous, and now I'm isolating myself to protect others from their own stupidity.
We all choose our friends based on different things, not just negativity. I had to dump a friend who was too codependent. I talked honestly about her codependence with her several times, but she just could not or would not change. The friendship was just not enriching for me, so I stopped hanging out with her.
Didn't get a chance to fully read your post yesterday. You couldn't have said it better. There is no empathy.
But the stable people are needed to work their magic and show the way.
Don't understand. It's the unstable that have to some how figure out their lives. It's doubly harder for them as it is.
Don't understand. It's the unstable that have to some how figure out their lives. It's doubly harder for them as it is.
I love interacting with people who have healthy boundaries. I test them, sometimes very strongly, because I like that they are there. I want to make sure that they stay there. But these people who are the subject of my testing do not understand how much I need them to stay strong. They take the assault the wrong way and get offended, or buckle, or run away. The strong people need to stay strong. Continuously.
I don't remember which book I read this in, but the author's point was that sometimes the most outwardly "messed up" person in a group (family in this case IIRC) is the one who's healthiest. The example was along the lines of in a toxic or abusive family where everyone appeases the person doing the damage, then one of the family members can't take it any more. So s/he may start acting out, avoiding the family, maybe developing sub abuse problems, symptoms of mental illness; realizes help is needed, goes on to challenge and confront the family and / or seek treatment -- and everyone else in the family is acting as though that person's a whack job, when in fact they're the ones who are . . . malfunctioning.
I don't remember which book I read this in, but the author's point was that sometimes the most outwardly "messed up" person in a group (family in this case IIRC) is the one who's healthiest. The example was along the lines of in a toxic or abusive family where everyone appeases the person doing the damage, then one of the family members can't take it any more. So s/he may start acting out, avoiding the family, maybe developing sub abuse problems, symptoms of mental illness; realizes help is needed, goes on to challenge and confront the family and / or seek treatment -- and everyone else in the family is acting as though that person's a whack job, when in fact they're the ones who are . . . malfunctioning.
That is a really good point. Sometimes the people who seem really normal are just pretending. No one's life could be THAT awesome. LOL
Vent
Otoh, what do u think of this friend? She's had endless fights with various people in her life -- sis-in-law, old school friend of hers. When she visited after many years she and another friend who was visiting had a disagreement. She had a separate fight (big one -- they don't talk any more) with a friend she was going to visit in a different state. I heard some bickering but she was a lot better than before. After they left there was some bitching when we spoke on the phone. Has some ongoing issues with her brother. Bitched about a whole lot of our common friends.
During the visit she put me down and everyone around her but all done jokingly. She complained to me in fun and then more seriously that I wasn't doing a good job with dd, that I didn't take care of myself that dh did all of dd's work. Whatever. It's really my life. But to her it was like she was giving me all this useful advice. My sis in law who she met for the first time got loads of advice as well.
And last but not least I called her recently and I heard criticism about well, not my race, but people from who belong to a certain part of the country where I'm from. And it was done deliberately to hurt.
I am losing my empathy, seriously. I wasn't in touch with her as such but somehow the friendship revived. Then she had this terrible phase where her husband cheated on her. She has forgiven etc but I would stay in touch and provide support if she needed. it
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