What does it mean when people say to "avoid negative people" - Page 2

[EarthRootsStarSoul]

Ok, she's a fighter.  She likes fighting, she wants to fight.  But I couldn't tell you the reason why. 

Maybe she has intimacy issues, like she is uncomfortable getting close.  She doesn't just give away trust.  She is provoking to find boundaries.  When people fail her tests, she can't trust them, so there is no friendship to continue building.

Or she is awkward and doesn't know how to interact normally.  She learned this from her parents. Her parents failed to provide a stable relationship.

Or she needs high-intensity interaction.  Normal interaction is boring, lackluster, and it just doesn't give her what she needs.  That's like the adrenaline-junkie personality.  Is she intense in other ways?  Lots of physical activity, daring behavior?  ADHD? 

Or she is a narcissist.  These people are really dangerous.  They are always in it for themselves alone.  They manipulate everything to their own advantage.  Con artists.  They re-write history for their own benefit.  But they usually pretend to be sweet and trustworthy.  Very charismatic.  Will attract a following.  They will take advantage of you.  These are the people you need to stay away from.

So the question is, is this friendship doing YOU any good?  Do you like it?  Are you standing up for yourself?  You need to say something if she is being mean.  If she wants a sparring partner, and you want a sparring partner, this is good.  Tongue-in-cheek insult wars can be really fun.  If she is provoking you as a test, she WANTS you to stand up for yourself.  If she is provoking you out of malice, you need to stand up for yourself.  Don't be friends with someone who just wants a doormat.  Shut her down. 

[NiteNicole]

Your friend just sounds sort of obnoxious and rude and mean spirited.  I have a wonderful friend who is obnoxious, rude, and blunt - but she's not mean.  She's not passive aggressive.  She just doesn't understand boundaries and social norms.  They wash right over her.  To me, that's forgivable - well, not even forgivable as she's not being personal or trying to hurt anyone. 

I can also deal with depressed and depressing.  People with problems are still PEOPLE.  They deserve empathy and compassion and friendship.

When I think about the advice to avoid negative people, I think it's about avoiding the people who either don't care about your feelings or are trying to hurt you.  There's no reason to keep those people around or open yourself up to them.

As far as hearing about the abuse people have lived through - I can't say I enjoy it but if someone else can LIVE IT, I can certainly LISTEN if they want to talk about it.  It's my basic duty as a human to at least be a witness and not ignore them because it's uncomfortable.

rightkindofme, I almost never agree with you on any topic but you are one of the most self-aware, inward-looking people I have ever encountered.  You are also occasionally so funny (dry humor GETS ME) that I guffaw right out loud.  I enjoy and look forward to your input on everything because it's always going to get a new perspective I never would've thought about on my own.  I imagine in real life we'd be besties, if you could stand me. Never stop posting.
 

[Linda on the move]

I've been following this thread but have had trouble formulating a response.

To me, a negative person is some one sees the dark side of everything. The glass is half full. If the weather is nice, they are confident it will get bad. If you find something you like, they are happy to point out what is wrong with it. When they talk about their life, they have a list of what is wrong. Trying to help them side the good side of anything is seen either not understanding them or being a "pollyanna."  They are unhappy, and they want to stay that way.  And they really prefer you be unhappy too.

Sometimes, they are even proud of this, because they believe it makes them deeper than others.

And yes, I agree that one is best off limiting contact with such people. They suck the energy and joy from one's life.

BTW, I'm a recovering negative person. 

Originally Posted by rightkindofme 

What they are saying is avoid people like me. I'm negative and dour and sad. I have major mental health issues and talking to me can be a major downer.

There is a difference between processing trauma and being a negative person, as others have stated. However, they can have overlap. I spent years processing my own trauma, and then several years went by.  Then I realized I was a really negative person and that I could choose to change that about myself and that I would be happier if I did.

My point is that you don't have to stay stuck where you are right now. How you feel is real and processing it is necessary. Staying stuck there is NOT required. Having a happy adulthood is totally an option for you -- being able to see the beauty around and enjoy your children and really feel your husband's love is ALL POSSIBLE FOR YOU.

May be not today, but it's still possible for you.

The negativity and suicidal depression is sort of there in the background for me, but most of the time, day and day and week after week, that isn't where my head is. My head is in the here and now, which is pretty awesome. It's awesome in simple ways that involve things like brownies and parent teacher conferences and a kitchen floor that really needs to be mopped, but normal day to day life is pretty sweet.

Originally Posted by rightkindofme 
I haven't lived in one place very long. No one knows my whole story because they knew me through the events happening. It's really hard for us to make new friends.

I'm on the internet a lot.

I'm in the internet a lot too, and I use it as a way to meet some of my social needs too.

I have learned that some common interests are enough to have a casual friend, and that I don't need other people to know my whole horrific story to have them for my friend. That's not the sum of who I am, and I can enjoy another person's company and let them enjoy mine without all that baggage.

I know that right now you are processing in a major way, so it may not ring true for you right now, but it can be part of your future.  You can be someone who others seek out and want to spend time with. You have a SPARKLING personality -- we all see it. 

Quote:

Originally Posted by MariaMadly 

I don't remember which book I read this in, but the author's point was that sometimes the most outwardly "messed up" person in a group (family in this case IIRC) is the one who's healthiest.  The example was along the lines of in a toxic or abusive family where everyone appeases the person doing the damage, then one of the family members can't take it any more.  So s/he may start acting out, avoiding the family, maybe developing sub abuse problems, symptoms of mental illness; realizes help is needed, goes on to challenge and confront the family and / or seek treatment -- and everyone else in the family is acting as though that person's a whack job, when in fact they're the ones who are . . . malfunctioning.

This describes me and my family of origin. For many years, I looked like the screwed up one. It's not really the case now, but I moved away from them decades ago, and some of their crap has gotten worse while I've continued to become more together. But for a long time they were doing such a great job of faking it, and my break away was difficult and looked crazy to outsiders.

Originally Posted by Neera 

During the visit she put me down and everyone around her but all done jokingly. She complained to me in fun and then more seriously that I wasn't doing a good job with dd, that I didn't take care of myself that dh did all of dd's work. Whatever. It's really my life. But to her it was like she was giving me all this useful advice. My sis in law who she met for the first time got loads of advice as well.

And last but not least I called her recently and I heard criticism about well, not my race, but people from who belong to a certain part of the country where I'm from. And it was done deliberately to hurt.

She's not a nice person and puts you down. You deserve better in a friendship, and shifting things around in your own head about how you want to be treated by others will help. I don't even see that so much about being negative as being mean.

Heaven only knows what she is dealing with or if she will ever work it out, but you don't need to be her punching bag. We get to make choices about what kind of friends we want, and it's fine to stay away from mean people and choose to spend time with people who are kind, people who we feel better after spending time with them.

[rightkindofme]

Originally Posted by NiteNicole 

rightkindofme, I almost never agree with you on any topic but you are one of the most self-aware, inward-looking people I have ever encountered.  You are also occasionally so funny (dry humor GETS ME) that I guffaw right out loud.  I enjoy and look forward to your input on everything because it's always going to get a new perspective I never would've thought about on my own.  I imagine in real life we'd be besties, if you could stand me. Never stop posting.
 

Hardly anyone agrees with me. It's kind of funny being so universally disagreed with. :)

Thank you! I work on this. For me to be not self-aware would be for me to be a terrible person. I don't wanna.

Oh crimey if you think I shouldn't stop posting you should see my blog. I'm uhm long-winded there. I try to be brief on MDC because it seems polite.

Linda: I kind of understand the difference you mean. I feel stuck. I feel like a teeter totter that can't decide to stop being negative (because that would just be opening myself up for more abuse) or to be happy. The consequences of coming down on one side or the other feels catastrophic. 

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by rightkindofme 

Linda: I kind of understand the difference you mean. I feel stuck. I feel like a teeter totter that can't decide to stop being negative (because that would just be opening myself up for more abuse) or to be happy. The consequences of coming down on one side or the other feels catastrophic. 

I think you need a lot of hugs.

Rather than seeing it in such black and white terms, as either being negative or positive, perhaps you could pick something to see the positive side of that feels safe to you. May be look for one small thing each day that is positive.  It can be something small -- I believe that there is something small and simple in your life today that you could feel safe allowing yourself to feel positive about and enjoy. A pretty view, or a nice moment with one of your kids. Or how comfortable your couch is. Or that your appliances all work. Or running water and flushing toilets. I love running water and flushing toilets.

For awhile, I kept a gratitude journal and would write down 5 things at night that I could be grateful for. They didn't have to be new things, and they didn't need to be anything huge. It helped me pivot to looking for little things during may day that were good.

You don't have to give up the negativity that feels like a shield. You can choose which negativity is helpful to you right now, and which negativity is no longer serving you. You can decide which things in your life are safe to enjoy.

Peace.

[Neera]

Originally Posted by NiteNicole 

Your friend just sounds sort of obnoxious and rude and mean spirited.  I have a wonderful friend who is obnoxious, rude, and blunt - but she's not mean.  She's not passive aggressive.  She just doesn't understand boundaries and social norms.  They wash right over her.  To me, that's forgivable - well, not even forgivable as she's not being personal or trying to hurt anyone. 

I can also deal with depressed and depressing.  People with problems are still PEOPLE.  They deserve empathy and compassion and friendship.

When I think about the advice to avoid negative people, I think it's about avoiding the people who either don't care about your feelings or are trying to hurt you.  There's no reason to keep those people around or open yourself up to them.

As far as hearing about the abuse people have lived through - I can't say I enjoy it but if someone else can LIVE IT, I can certainly LISTEN if they want to talk about it.  It's my basic duty as a human to at least be a witness and not ignore them because it's uncomfortable.

rightkindofme, I almost never agree with you on any topic but you are one of the most self-aware, inward-looking people I have ever encountered.  You are also occasionally so funny (dry humor GETS ME) that I guffaw right out loud.  I enjoy and look forward to your input on everything because it's always going to get a new perspective I never would've thought about on my own.  I imagine in real life we'd be besties, if you could stand me. Never stop posting.
 

I have plans on ignoring her. It seems like she wants to make another trip. If at all it happens she knows we don't have the space so she might stay at a hotel or at my brother's but I'd really don't want to see her again, at least not so soon or maybe in a different setting, not being her frea@#$% guide. She does drain my energy.

[Neera]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

I've been following this thread but have had trouble formulating a response.

To me, a negative person is some one sees the dark side of everything. The glass is half full. If the weather is nice, they are confident it will get bad. If you find something you like, they are happy to point out what is wrong with it. When they talk about their life, they have a list of what is wrong. Trying to help them side the good side of anything is seen either not understanding them or being a "pollyanna."  They are unhappy, and they want to stay that way.  And they really prefer you be unhappy too.

Sometimes, they are even proud of this, because they believe it makes them deeper than others.

And yes, I agree that one is best off limiting contact with such people. They suck the energy and joy from one's life.

To me if they are just negative and are seeing the dark side of things in general then I don't know, it doesn't affect me. It's not like I don't complain about things. Moms are constantly complaining - about an unruly child, sibling trouble, dh, the daily grind. It doesn't bother me. It's when that negativity starts turning into personal attacks that's when they seriously want to you to be unhappy too. Another e.g. of 2nd friend is that she knows I am a SAHM. I had been out of touch since she got married and moved away. There were probably a couple of letters but really no details. So, when we met I was inquiring about her life. And here's how she put it. "I didn't just sit on my ass. I got out there and worked to help bring in income when we needed the money." She knows we could do with a second income. On this subject, I'm pretty sure I've posted before, she had said, (over the phone.) "Your lazy" (in a sing song way, supposed to be a joke) and "what do you do all day?" She has 2 big kids and is a SAHM. I have one and when these comments were made dd was like 3 and 4 and q. high needs.

It's not like I haven't made sarcastic comments or said general things that could have hurt someone or made me look like I am smart and the other person isin't. But, I have changed that a lot as well. I couldn't say that I am recovering because I am not constantly on the attack but I have changed these bad habits that could spring up now and then.