Potential match, potential special needs - Page 2

[Smithie]

Congratulations! No matter what you decide, I'll bet you feel one heck of a lot better once you've gotten these people in a room and forced them to be more frank with you. 

[swd12422]

Zombie, THANK YOU for that link! So helpful. I wish we had a practice like that here.

We are supposed to get his file early next week and will have a few days to review it before the meeting. I can't imagine there will be anything in there that will make us say no, but my real hope is just that we really are the right family for him and that we can know one way or the other with certainty.
 

[IncompetentHousewife]

Originally Posted by mamarhu 

What would you do if your bio or already adopted child had a serious injury that he required intense care for the rest of his life? The answer is that you would rise to the occasion, and do whatever had to be done. No one chooses that path, but many walk it. The difference in special needs adoption is that we are asked to make that commitment before we have time to create the bond and love that make this path a true pleasure. When you have that bond, the questions you are asking will be moot. I am not suggesting discarding or disregarding your fears and concerns. If a particular child seems beyond your abilities, of course you should step aside. But I believe we grow to be the exact person our children need to parent them.

This really speaks to me, mamarhu. I also get what queenjane is saying, that not everyone can rise up. Perhaps it's overly simplistic, but maybe the answer is that if you are the sort of person who thinks the above paragrah fits you perfectly, then you are probably the person who can parent this child. If you think you aren't, maybe you're not that parent.

My husband and I adopted two little boys with special needs. Every single day is hard as hell. It's harder than I could have possibly imagined, even though I am an extremely resilient person who is accustomed to hard work and who prepared a great deal for this. If it seems insurmoutable now, maybe it is?

[swd12422]

Thanks for the reply. It's a bit late, as we've now been parenting him for nearly 4 months!

The trouble was, there is no diagnosis. There was nothing to say, "Here is his condition <look it up online and see what it really means>. Here is the prognosis," or even "Here is what we think is going on and what we've seen with kids like him." They made it sound like he could potentially be in need of home care or being institutionalized, although there is no official diagnosis for him. So without a "label" I had no idea what we would be dealing with.

The other trouble was/is, that yes, most people rise to the occasion when it's a bio or a child already bonded to you in some way. But not all do. I would love to think that DH and I would, in any situation, but I don't know too many people who truly know that for certain. We all have limits. I was really scared that our limits are not where we think they are. Part of that was fueled by the presence of another foster child in our home with whom we are NOT bonding at all. He is just not "ours." There is nothing "wrong" with him, he's just not meant to be family. But he was already here, no major issues, and we didn't love him. So how could it be EASIER to love a baby we haven't met, who might have insurmountable issues??? I was just picturing us picking him up, not being prepared to care for his needs (I'm a "fixer" and I know that's not realistic or healthy, but it's still my instinct to want to fix everything), and then us feeling like we're failing him.

Thankfully, that doesn't look like it's going to be that way. First of all, we are in love with him. Second, we can see that he has made rapid progress since he's been here, and his therapists and doctors are pleased with his development. He's not caught up, but he's still growing, so that's a good enough sign for us.

[mamarhu]

Originally Posted by swd12422 

Thanks for the reply. It's a bit late, as we've now been parenting him for nearly 4 months!

...

Thankfully, that doesn't look like it's going to be that way. First of all, we are in love with him. Second, we can see that he has made rapid progress since he's been here, and his therapists and doctors are pleased with his development. He's not caught up, but he's still growing, so that's a good enough sign for us.

This is so good to hear!

[IncompetentHousewife]

Doh! Somehow I didn't look at the date.

I'm so glad you have fallen in love and he's progressing! It sounds like you thought this through, decided to take the leap, and are now in the right place. Congratulations!

It sounds like you are on top of things working with the doctor and therapists so that if there ever does need to be a diagnosis, you're right in there ready to get his needs met. Enjoy him!

[swd12422]

No worries. You were right on target with what I was thinking. If it seems like too much before we're even "in it," it's probably too much for us. Fortunately, what was in the files and what is in reality are two different things. He is still high needs, still has issues, but the "issues" documented were at 6 months old and he is now over a year. We were given the impression that the things like "can't roll over by himself" that were documented at 6 months still applied....

[fairejour]

Nevermind..

[MommyKelly]

So happy to read your update. I am Mom to 9, 6 are bio and 3 came to us fost/adopt.  3 of my bio kids are on the autism spectrum and 1 was born as a 2 1/2 lb preemie who had had some medical issues. I thought I could handle anything LOL

Our first adopted dd came to us at almost 3, was born post toxic for meth and had been in and out of foster care. She has some extreme attachment issues and is 8.

The next 2 came as a sibling group of 3 and were 12,5,and 2 ( the older one had to be placed into residential treatment)  They were suppose to be with us for 6 months LOL. That was almost 5 years ago. The 5 year who is now 10 is a bright loving wonderful child, with anxiety due to her PTSD but is thriving. The then 2 year old we were told was " Just so sweet and quiet"  Umm ya because he had been so severely abused he had no language! He presented as classically autistic. At 4 they told us to put him back into the system and give up as he would probably be a psychopath. I wasn't taking that for an answer. At 6 1/2 he is a loving , sweet boy who has some struggle with impulse control do to a TBI from shaken baby, but has come so much further then anyone would have ever thought or given us hope for. 

My super long point being that so many ( not all ) but a lot can overcome so many things by having a family that loves them, believes in them, and will fight for them to get what they need to grow into the best them they can be :) 

[swd12422]

OMG, thank you for sharing that. I'm struggling with 3 kids right now -- I can't imagine having *9* and some with special needs at that!

The little guy seems to be doing okay. To most people, he seems like a "normal" 1 year old and most don't notice his lack of speech. Then his therapists say he's so very delayed, and my mom friends think that's crazy. So I'm still not really knowing what to expect, what is "normal" for him, and what could become a problem, but we're rolling with it. None of his issues seems to be particularly concerning to the half-dozen doctors he sees, with the caveat "given his history, of course." So we're rolling with it, b/c really what else can we do? ;-)

I just want him to SLEEP. (Okay, really, *I* just want to sleep!)

[MommyKelly]

Ahhhh sleep, yes. We have some horrid sleep issues here. Have you talked to the Dr about him maybe taking some type of supplement, or something for sleep. These kids do so much better when they are able to get a full night of rest.

[swd12422]

The doctor wanted him to be here longer to "settle in" before declaring him having a sleep issue, even though he's always had this same pattern. It could well be just the way his biological clock works right now and he'll outgrow it, or it just is what it is. I'm going to wait it out a couple more months and then ask again, if it doesn't improve. it's funny though, the things that the doctors say v the therapists, and how much they differ in opinion on what to try/what works, and how much eye-rolling there is going on... and how nearly NONE of it seems to be working! (At least when it comes to the sleeping... He may well be developing "better" b/c of this treatment or that therapy. Who knows?)