Originally Posted by
IdentityCrisisMama 
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I was mainly responding to the the feeling that you were saying that it is the parent's response to their picky child's eating that indicated whether the parent was having a manipulative reaction.
So I think we're getting stuck on my use of the word "maladaptive." To me, "maladaptive" isn't a dirty word that means manipulation. (As an aside, I am doubtful that there is really such thing as manipulation as we typically understand it - but that is a whole other topic).
I define maladaptive as a set of behaviors resulting from values or beliefs that do not assist or support healthy emotional experiences. The process is mainly unconscious, or partially conscious, and is rarely intentionally manipulative. Every single one of us has some maladaptive behavior. It is not something to chastise ourselves about, or feel badly about, or deny, or fear.
Because maladaptive responses can be so hidden, and often they are accepted behaviors culturally and socially, it can be useful to look for clues as to when your responses are maladaptive (e.g. not promoting healthy responses). Whatever emotion you feel is one that you can be grateful for, as it is simply just like the gauge on your car's dashboard - "ah, I see my oil is running low; I should take a closer look at what is going on there." "Ah, I see I am feeling really frustrated that my child won't eat this meatloaf that I spent two hours preparing; I should take a closer look here at what might be really going on with me."
The tendency with maladaptive behaviors is that to us they feel so normal, that it must be other person who is doing something wrong. If I'm getting upset that my child will not eat what I have prepared, there must be something not quite right with my child.
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But, I also think sometimes we're frustrated (not because of some dysfunctional need for appreciation) but because we went through the effort and expense of making food and our child doesn't want to eat it. And I think that's OK. I think being frustrated by this issue is a fairly predictable and natural emotion and doesn't indicate manipulation.
I think you are saying that frustration can be a healthy, non-maladaptive indicator that a situation is simply frustrating, and even the epitome of emotional health would be frustrated. That frustration is a normal part of the human experience and doesn't indicate some deep underlying messed up thinking.
I think I made a mistake in implying that there was a sharp distinction between adaptive and maladaptive, a single, dark line that on one side is healthy and unhealthy on the other. Its not like that at all. For me, thinking in terms of authenticity and center are most helpful.
Some emotions are more authentic than others. Frustration, to me, is not the most authentic emotion. It always follows another emotion, something that lasted a split second, something that is usually either fear or grief. Fear and grief are more authentic than frustration. When I feel frustration, I know I need to look further to see what is behind that. If I have worked hard on a meal and my child rejects it, my first reaction, the more authentic reaction, is probably grief (in our culture as women it could also be fear; fear that we have failed to meet some standard regarding mothering a household).
Besides authenticity, center is the second element I like to look at. All of us lean one way or another when our needs are not met or our values are challenged. One common way to lean is in the direction of neurosis (there must be something wrong with me). Another common way to lean is in the direction of personality disorder (there must be something wrong with you). Other directions people can lean in include fantasy/non-reality (towards psychosis) and avoidance (drugs/alcohol). When a person has leaned far enough in one direction that it is impacting their functioning, mood, health, or relationships, sometimes they qualify for a diagnosis. There are things besides our basic beliefs and values which cause us to lean more, like stress. Parenting is often hard and causes us to lean more. Noticing when we are off center and aiming for center is healthy.
Just because you are feeling frustration doesn't mean you HAVE to address it. For example, yesterday I was trying to move the swivel hook for my child's tire swing from the end of the swinq where I had mistakenly placed it to the center of swing, where she would have full range to go around in circles without smashing into the supports. My first drill battery went poop after about 3 seconds. I climbed down the ladder, got a second battery from the charger, climbed back up. The second battery went poop after about 60 seconds. I climbed back down the ladder, got the third battery which was supposed to have been charged but was not, I found out, once I got to the top of the ladder again. I thought, "what a bunch of peckerheaded batteries can't even hold a *damn charge for freakin two seconds cost way more than the damn drill itself this swing is stupid she'll never even use it anyway and I am DONE." I was frustrated. I could have taken a closer look at my frustration and would probably have found some beliefs to challenge, not the least of which would have been "I am an incompetent single mom who can't even put up a swing for my child" but sometimes it is just more fun to feel frustrated. Not everything requires deep analysis.
But when dinnertime is a repeated hell, when a child has been sitting at the table for two hours trying to eat a bite of meat, when bribes and punishments have been used to no avail, it is time to find authenticity and to find center. Its also time to stop looking at the child and look at what is going on inside yourself.
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I agree that the role of women as pleasers is an issue in our culture. It's important for us to look at that and deal with those issues. As mothers (and women), I think there is also equally high pressure to not get angry or frustrated, which is no doubt related to the pleaser issue. Just as it's important for us to help our children learn healthy ways to express their emotions, we can extend that permission to ourselves. So, for me, it's not that being frustrated is wrong or bad but that we need to be mindful of how we express that and deal with it.
I totally agree. Feelings aren't wrong or right, they just are.
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my post ... was addressing the issue of whether showing frustration (or being frustrated) is an indicator of manipulation.
I didn't mean that it was an indicator of manipulation. I did mean that it was an indicator that there are probably some maladaptive beliefs and values going on that one could, or could not, choose to look at, aiming for center and aiming for authenticity. I do understand that you think frustration is a primary emotion that in itself is not indicative of anything. There are a lot of people who would agree with you, and some research to support that belief. There is also some research that supports the idea that it is not a primary emotion, but secondary to another emotion which would benefit from some attention to. I think its fine to believe what you believe; I'm not all that invested in it one way or another.
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Also, when I think about it, I'm not sure if most of the mothers I know who are at times frustrated over their child's picky eating habits feel that way because of the need to be appreciated through preparing food. I went back through the tread to see if there was some evidence of that here and I'm not seeing it. I know that I certainly don't feel this way. I suspect that for parents who have for years cooked for a picky eater, that the thought of being fulfilled by cooking a meal for the family is a distant memory (if it ever was a goal in the first place).
Needing to be appreciated is just one of several possibilities that might be underlying the frustration. Its good to know, don't you think? Awareness is good. Then you can get a better picture of whether its you who needs to change, or the child.
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Thanks for asking for clarification.
Thank you for your response. I really appreciate it.
I LOVE THIS! Thank you so much for asking me in this way. 
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