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There Is Not Always a "Fix" For the Difficult Child
Edited on 4/29/13
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- Tell Another Mom (Dot) ComEdited on 4/15/13
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October 2012 Rockstar Mamas - Page 13post #241 of 38510/24/12 at 8:55pmNot fair!! Lol I was doing something else on my phone when u poste on FB, and I totally read it as like a "hey u guys need to go see the new post ". And I got all excited. I was like maybe she IS pregnant!! LolSponsored Linkspost #242 of 38510/24/12 at 8:57pmpost #243 of 38510/24/12 at 9:03pmThread StarterOk, I've missed too much to answer everything. WTH? I thought that was fixed with the updates and changes here.
Ava is Ava! That's that.
On having a baby, pushing and tearing, I pushed on queue with Ethan because I had been drugged. I ended up with a grapefruit sized swollen perenium afterward. With Kellen and Dylan at home, I didn't really push. I just went with my body and didn't have any problems. I wasn't even ever checked for dilation and effacement. I did have some tears but I think that was more from the previous experience than those births, scar tissue. It wasn't really pushing with them. It was more grunting while my body did what it did.post #244 of 38510/24/12 at 9:14pmThat's what I want to do next time, the grunting/breathing baby out. It's what I intended to do, but then I got sooo caught up in just being DONE that I pushed with all my might. Bad choice.post #245 of 38510/25/12 at 4:22am
This will be another hospital birth. While I would :love: to have a water birth - that's always been a dream of mine - I really, especially in the case of VBAC (my VBAC) really believe in having experienced attendants - and no midwife I trust in this state will touch an HBAC. too much risk for them - they'd lose their license. So. hospital birth it is. Norah's wasn't bad, and my birth plan was followed to the T. I really appreciated that, because with Gabe (the same hospital, 2 years prior) I felt that it wasn't. I doubt they glanced at it.
In a nutshell, I was using the breast pump to try to bring my light, irregular contractions (that I'd been having for weeks) into a pattern of strong, regular contractions, and my water broke while on the pump at 12:30 a.m. (this is what I count as the start of labor) - went to the hospital straight away - I was concerned bc the cord was right in front of baby's face, and didn't want a prolapse - When I got there, I was 3 cm and 80% effaced. By 5 a.m. I was 5 cm and 100% effaced and the contractions were getting far more intense. Somewhere around 7:30-8 a.m. It was very intense and I - and everyone else - thought I was still at a 5. I was asking for an epidural, bc if this level intensity was going to last for hours, I needed some help, so I think the nurse went to order a light epidural, that could be backed off when it came time to push. I just wanted to have the edge off, which she said was possible without being completely numb. Around 9, I was in the bed, on my side/all fours, and felt my body pushing - a couple waves of those and I told Amber - my doula - I think I'm pushing. She looked (being on all fours, and naked, it wasn't hard, and she was like - OH CRAP - SHE'S PUSHING! and ran to get the nurse and the midwife/OB. the OB was in surgery, so a midwife came in, had my flip over on my back;sitting up and I was pushing. The nurse (the extra one that came in, not the awesome one that was with me the rest of the time) kept feeling my belly for contractions. Me, the doula, and the good nurse kept hollering at her to stop. I know when I am in the middle of a freaking contraction. I have had no pain meds, which should be obvious by my screaming. It was totally purple pushing though - my face was full of peticchae after. I did feel really rushed. The pushing stage didn't feel like it was very long though - it was about an hour.
that's a big nutshell. BUT, I think, maybe, if I could have stayed in the position I started, that the pushing stage might have been easier. I think everyone just freaked out when it came on so sudden, because no one was ready - they had no clue I was in transition. Neither did I.
I don't get notifications, really. I get a daily email with subscriptions. Honestly, during working hours, I'm checking MDC quite frequently and so therefore dont' have need of it. I only get immediate ones when I'm the thread starter.
My DDC is so slow. I mean, not active. Kind of a bummer.
JJ: keep in mind that the new baby will not be here when Tenley is her age now - but 9 months from now - which is a totally different thing. So, if you've a mind to not prevent, then go for it. There is no telling if Tenley at almost 2 will be any easier than Tenley now. It's just a different level of difficulty.post #246 of 38510/25/12 at 6:12am
Yeah I just check my threads! I don't even check my email. Honestly I use my phone for everything except long posts here so I'm never too far away. :-) I check FB and MDC often as well.
Kat reading your birth story made me a little sad for that pushing stage! That's rough. I'm sorry! Yes - that could really be why you tore so horrifically. There's no rush. Keep that in mind for next time! Your doula, too! She should have been the one to stop the panic and have everyone take breath, give you a break, tell you you're doing fine/great, you're about to meet your baby -- not shouting and running, etc, you know? Sigh. It must be so fresh in your mind.
Bummer your DDC isn't that exciting. Do you still chat with Norah's? I'm still really active in Finn's and Nora's DDCs. Love having these women in my life.
JJ I agree with Kat. These babies change so much month to month that 9 months from now will be a different life! I personally really like my 3 year age gap, but I can totally see the benefits of a closer gap, as well.
With Finn I did the grunting/bearing down with my body sort of birthing. With Nora -- I was so freaking exhausted. I was on my back with my legs up (not how I wanted to push but i had NO ENERGY) and I was falling asleep in between pushing contractions. I was only pushing with the ctx, so I would feel one, wake up, push-push-push, and then fall back asleep. Took awhile. I was so tired. But man, once she was out I was WIDE AWAKE! LOL! I think looking back I'm lucky that I was able to do it with how tired I was. There was a little nervousness with my mw b/c the placenta was taking awhile. They did use traction on the cord and it separated from the placenta, and then my mw had to reach up and grab pieces -- ugh that was bad. Bad bad.
Anyway. Taking the kids to the park today! I'll be around!post #247 of 38510/25/12 at 6:22am
I think everyone just freaked out. Hopefully this next time, I will recognize when I'm in transition and can focus on preparing to push. When the time came to push - no one was ready with Norah. I am hoping it's as easy and quick as getting pregnant was! LOL
No clue on Gabe's DDC - it fizzled. Norah's we have a secret FB group that I love. They are awesome, but I wasn't active really until after she was born. I love secret FB groups. A place I can vent that only those within the group can see. You can't even search for the group and find that it exists. It's crazy active.
Busy weekend ahead. Shoot, it's just busy period around here.post #248 of 38510/25/12 at 6:33ampost #249 of 38510/25/12 at 6:55amBig hugs akind1! Sounds like your body had gotten itself in to an ideal pushing position for Norah. But now that you are aware of the issues, you can ask your doula to help guard against that for this birth. I think MDC made a big mistake moving the DDCs to the groups section. You have to work to get to them. I'm somewhat active in Ava's secret FB DDC. Didn't find them until about six months ago.post #250 of 38510/25/12 at 6:58amOh and SUPER busy night at work. VP candidate visiting. We have to go through security checkpoint to get to work plus park somewhere else and walk so I have to leave like 3 hrs early today to make sure I'm not late to work. Pretty neat to watch all the prep though.post #251 of 38510/25/12 at 7:44am
Annie - that's exciting! (even though I am not excited about any of the main candidates or their veeps) hope you don't have to be away from home too much extra long.
I love FB. I am an addict. need to work on that.post #252 of 38510/25/12 at 7:54am
Carrie you're pushing with Nora sounds like mine. I had never expected to push on my back, but when it came to it, it was just the most comfortable thing! And I totally thought I had like 10-12 minutes in between contractions because I felt like i was falling asleep too. Turns out it was only like 3 minutes (had spaced out, but not nearly as much as I thought or DH was freaking out about! lol)
And yes totally get you Kat, about them being the spacing apart in 9 months, not now. I know right now would be too close for us (though crazy to think that this is how far apart my cousin's daughters are, just a few weeks more apart.) But Tenley gets easier/different to deal with all the time, and her at 2 would be totally different. In my mind a year ago, I would have said I ideally wanted my babies about 18 months to two years apart. Now I think more like 3 would be better, but like I said... if my opportunity was now or never, I could do it now. And honestly, DH still isn't on board for another, so I've said that a second would have to be an oops. Therefore... I start taking chances I can get! lol
Obviously need to preface that with the idea that I'm not -hiding- anything from him. I would never be one of those women who lies and is like "oh no, we're safe, you don't need to grab a condom". More... he knows approx where I am in my cycles, and knows that he should ask if I'm fertile. I've told him in the past that I want babies, and so he cannot leave it to me to decide to use protection, because I won't. Sometimes he even knows I'm potentially fertile, and still won't use protection, even though he says he doesn't want another baby. That's on him, you know?
Anyways, just wanted to clarify that, as I was talking to someone else about that the other day, and you could tell she totally was reading it as being the same as me telling a boyfriend I was on birth control pills when I wasn't... so not the same thing!!
Annie-- That's exciting! That's one of the hings I miss about work, is all the excitement and prep and planning that happened when we had important exciting guests staying. We just had bieber staying with us again recently, and I happened to call in on that day, and it made me so jealous, just being able to hear through the phone even, how pumped the atmosphere was.post #253 of 38510/25/12 at 8:12amThread StarterI think any trauma that happened during pushing could very well have been because of the position, too. I was in that semi-seated position with Ethan. With Kellen and Dylan I was on my hands and knees. That's just how my body wanted to be. Pushing with Dylan took a lot longer than with Kellen. I think that was because the cord was wrapped around his neck so he and my body knew it had to go slow and easy.
JJ ~ That's exactly what I did with dh before we conceived Dylan. I wasn't lying to him but I also didn't proactively tell him when he needed to prevent. He knew I wanted another baby and was not using and bc. He said he did not want another baby so it was up to him to prevent. If he didn't act responsibly and I got pg (which I did, obviously ), that was on him.
DH came home early. He wasn't supposed to be home until the 29th but he got back yesterday. I'm supposed to leave for the mountains tomorrow. Now I don't want to go because dh can't. He is expecting me to go because it's been planned and I feel obligated because my mom is planning to go but I don't know how I'll be able to have any fun.post #254 of 38510/25/12 at 10:27am
JJ: thats not lying or even deceptive in my book. You never know - I never imagined Gabe would be this attached at 3. (or nearly 3) - I mean, the boy runs ahead and is independent and loves to do things on his own, but he is still very much a mama's boy. I love it - but it 's getting a little old. Norah, I have no idea what she'll be like as she's older. She is such a different person than Gabe. easy in some ways, hard in others.
MW: trip . . . Isn't DH going with you later this year? I say go, but only because I would have a really hard time finding areason to stay.
Also: JJ - hooray on potential doula clients!post #255 of 38510/25/12 at 12:40pm
I'm the opposite I suppose b/c I really mentally in my head am done. It's my heart that isn't complete. I just know what I can and can't handle. So. DH knows to wrap it up no matter when -- and like I said, not to trust me at all when I'm fertile especially if I've had wine!
Lately DH and I are out of sync again with the intimacy. He is acting really childish about it again. Always happens when I'm not getting enough sleep. Last night he said to me, "You've completely forgotten about me..." and I had to stop in my mind and try to see it from his POV. Ok, so apparently two bjs in the past week is forgetting about him. (Honestly when I'm this out of it and not feeling like dtd, I'd rather just deal with bjs b/c I personally don't want anything!!) I said to him, "I think it's more like you've forgotten about ME. How tired I am, how much I have to do to keep the house in order, how hard it is for me to surpress my emotions all day long when dealing with tantrums -- I think you need to get your head out of your ass and stop only thinking about getting off."
Yeah that didn't go over well. He drank a ton of whiskey and fell asleep on the couch.
I just need to get to a middle ground with him. I don't know how. I have no drive. I'm almost turned off most of the time by all his mannerisms and up front "go put the kids to bed so I can do you" sort of comments.
I want to get back to how it was when we were dating and he tried a little harder to persuade me. When he would be romantic. I don't mean candles and flowers -- but a simple, you look cute today, or you're such a great mom, I'm so happy you're my wife, little things like that. Sigh.
I got desperate last night. The up for 2 hours in the middle of the night is killing me. I gave Finn about an 1/16 of a tsp of melatonin and boobed him and he FINALLY went back to sleep.post #256 of 38510/25/12 at 12:50pm
I only do bj as a foreplay thing; not as a means to an end - far to into actual sex. If I had no drive, probably wouldn't be in the predicament I'm in! LOL DH gets grumpy with no sex. He didn't used to. - But then, he used to be the one with no drive, where sex was a chore. So, I guess we're even :) I wish I had more, but at least I have some drive, and yes, getting sleep is paramount! without that . . . man.
Melatonin and boob do the trick? that's not a bad thing. Wayne really upped the romantic stuff for our anniversary. IDK how I'm ever going to top that. *sigh* Not that I regret it or anything. :D
Are you managing an occasional date lunch/night so have a couple hours just the two of you? that helps.post #257 of 38510/25/12 at 12:51pmThread StarterQuote:
Yes, he's supposed to go with us in November. The main reason to stay is because we haven't seen him for 3 weeks. It seems wrong to leave right after he got home after not seeing him for so long. Also, I'm not looking forward to driving all that way by myself with the kids but I knew I might have to do that.
Carrie ~ Your dh is pretty lucky. We have only dtd twice since mine got back from Afghanistan in March. And, he never gets bjs. I will not do them!
I know what you mean about needing the romance. It's not really romance, just some non-sexual attention and appreciation.post #258 of 38510/25/12 at 1:02pmQuote:Originally Posted by akind1
Melatonin and boob do the trick? that's not a bad thing. Wayne really upped the romantic stuff for our anniversary. IDK how I'm ever going to top that. *sigh* Not that I regret it or anything. :D
Are you managing an occasional date lunch/night so have a couple hours just the two of you? that helps.
Yes the melatonin works great. It really helps Nora too on certain nights when she is just unable to fall asleep. And I take it too when I'm too wired to fall asleep. This household would be lost w/o our melatonin!
Sigh. No. We haven't been on a date in months and months. It would really help. Soon. We must do that soon.Quote:
You're right! It's attention. A different attention. I don't like feeling like I'm just a ball and chain he can tell to bend over as he wishes.
I want to want him. I don't know how to get there.
I think it's so interesting, mw, you don't want to go away bc your hubs is back. I think having a DH who works from home and is always around makes it really exciting for me to go places and do things w/o him.
I think the one thing that strains our marriage more than anything else is having both of us home all the time. I try to get out as much as I can! But then the house is never really tidy b/c I'm never home to do it, so it's a toss up.post #259 of 38510/25/12 at 1:41pm
When I am home, and the kids are asleep or busy, the last thing I want to do is tidy things! I'd rather lay around and read! LOL. DH is home quite a bit, but I am very used to having the kids out on my own. IDK if that will change, once the 3rd arrives.
I don't know if its about bending to his wishes, per se, as being an object soley for sex. That's what makes me mad - barely talking all day and him wanting to be jumped. Um. NO. not gonna happen. BJ didn't happen for us until recently, bc he always said that it wasn't a big deal to him. Well . . . evidentally I just wasn't good at it when I tried early in our relationship, but I have magically gotten better. So, they happen now. I don't mind.
I need a cleaning fairy!
Does Sean want you to go?post #260 of 38510/25/12 at 2:51pm
Yeah I guess I do feel like an object for sex sometimes. I even told him that once. That I don't just want to be that. Kat it really can be like that. Some days, like yesterday, he leaves for the city before we get up and then gets home around bedtime. Maybe we've texted a few times thru out the day with just little things, but no contact really. He comes home late and then expects something. Idk. No.
This is all my perception. I'm sure his POV has a completely different truth.
I'm fine taking the kids out, it's just that in our chaos to leave we leave a disaster behind. Then coming home to that and a grumpy DH is really a pain. I need a cleaning fairy too!
I've had bins of clean clothes in the LR waiting for me for I think 3 days now. Three. I just can't bring myself to do it. I hate folding laundry.
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