I've been thinking a lot about how I want this birth to go, what I want it to be like, and am finding that even though DS' birth went a lot better than DD's, I still have some feelings of... unease, I guess, surrounding it. Even though I got to have a VBAC, which I had been studying/researching/preparing for since DD's birth four years earlier, I hated that I felt so disrespected, treated like I was crazy or didn't know what I was talking about, even though DF said he was really proud of me for preparing myself so well. Every appointment from week 38-ish, the OB kept asking if I had my bags packed for the hospital, because I was going to have to be admitted/induced soon. Every week, I told him, "No, it's not time yet. He's not ready to be born." and every week, he would kind of chuckle and shake his head, like I was being stupid. When he first told me, I asked him, "Why do I have to do it that way, when baby isn't showing any signs of distress, the placenta is still healthy, everything is okay?" and he never did give me a very satisfactory answer, just kept telling me that I would *have* to have him before 42 weeks, or else it would automatically have to be a RCS. Eventually, at 41 weeks, 3 days, I decided to go with the induction (which I know/knew was really risky, but I felt/knew that by the time I scheduled it for, 41 weeks, 5 days, he would be ready to be born. I don't know how I knew, I just did.). I just knew that I *never* want to have another c-section, if I don't medically need it. When we went in, to me, things seemed pretty smooth. I got there at 4.5-5 cm, and if I remember correctly, completely effaced(?) The nurse only did minute amount of pitocin, only for l think 30 minutes at around 7, my water broke at 1.30, and DS was born at 5.30. He was born at 10 1/2 pounds, and the whole time, the nurses and everyone asked why did I want it so bad? Why did I want a natural birth? They had never seen a 10 pound baby successfully born vaginally, they didn't think it was possible. I just told them I had to know I wasn't broken, that I had to know that my body could do it. I just kind of felt like everyone thought it was a joke, like no one took me seriously, and I'm starting to worry that this birth will be similar. The nurse at the family history/pregnancy history appointment has already told me they don't allow anyone to go over 41 weeks, so I'm starting to feel pressure already, like what if our babies just take longer to be born? With knowing how risky/unsafe induction is with a VBAC, I'm really not wanting to do it again, I probably shouldn't have taken the risk with DS, but... in a weird, warped, selfish kind of way, I *had* to know I wasn't broken. So many questions are coming into my head, and I don't know if anyone can answer them. I really would like to go with a midwife, and quite possibly, a home birth, but the only home birth midwife I know of in the area, the cost is near six months' worth of income, and we can't afford it.
Sorry to write so much, you're very patient if you read the whole thing, this is just something that has been really really bothering me lately.
TL;DR, I have a lot of concerns regarding the birth of this babe, and a lot of unresolved issues regarding the births of my DD and DS.