6 y.o. Sticking out Tongue at Adults

[anj_rn]

OK, my respectful child is on a terror of being disrespectful of adults.  His new thing is sticking out his tongue at you when you tell him to do something.  It is happening mainly at school, and occasionally at home. He is also refusing to do work at school (which only takes him 5-10 minutes to do at home).   Any suggestions on how to deal with it, especially at school?

He pushes boundaries a lot at home, but I can usually get him back on track.  We use a privileges ladder, and it has been very successful for us, but they can not do the same thing at school.  Home schooling is not an option for us, and he is in a good school with a great teacher.  the not doing work is frustrating, but the disrespect is unacceptable at school.  HELP!!!

[nextcommercial]

At six, saying things like "I'm concerned..." and actually be concerned, not sarcastic.

Kids always fall for the "I'm concerned" line at this age.

Then start a dialogue about sticking his tongue out, or refusing to do the work.  Ask him if the other kids are sticking their tongue out at the teacher.  If he says no, ask him if he feels bad about himself when he does this.  *I had some behavior problems in school, and while I didn't know how to think first, act later, I ALWAYS felt really bad about myself.  I still  look back on the things I did with humiliation.  It would have helped if someone had talked to me about how I made myself feel about ME at that age* 

It's no fun to be "that" kid.  It just isn't.  Punishments don't help (I know you never mentioned punishments) It feels like a cycle that you can't get yourself out of.  Once you have a reputation (real or not) you just don't know how to stop it and reinvent yourself.  You feel like you have to keep being that kid because that is what others expect of you.  

Help him with ideas on what he thinks might help...because he doesn't deserve to always be that kid.  It's great to be the free thinker, and have ideas of your own...but, it's not O.K to be disrespectful, just for the sake of being disrespectful.  Besides that, he's older than the Tongue behavior.  That's so three year old.  He can find a better way to speak his own mind without being ugly to others, and people will want to listen to him if he's discovered a better way to make his point.  

Help him learn tools for this.  He deserves so much more than what he's creating for himself.  He deserves to finish his work and be outside playing without that "i'm not done" feeling hanging over him.  He deserves to feel proud of his work, and the freedom that only comes with knowing it's done.

You know how you feel at tax time?  Then how  you feel when it's done and been mailed off?  That's what he deserves for himself with 1st grade work.  

Because I hated being the kid who never finished her work, or the kid who mouthed off in front of the other kids.  I hated knowing the other kids in the class went home and said "Guess what K did today?"  

[sassyfirechick]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial 

At six, saying things like "I'm concerned..." and actually be concerned, not sarcastic.

Kids always fall for the "I'm concerned" line at this age.

Then start a dialogue about sticking his tongue out, or refusing to do the work.  Ask him if the other kids are sticking their tongue out at the teacher.  If he says no, ask him if he feels bad about himself when he does this.  *I had some behavior problems in school, and while I didn't know how to think first, act later, I ALWAYS felt really bad about myself.  I still  look back on the things I did with humiliation.  It would have helped if someone had talked to me about how I made myself feel about ME at that age* 

It's no fun to be "that" kid.  It just isn't.  Punishments don't help (I know you never mentioned punishments) It feels like a cycle that you can't get yourself out of.  Once you have a reputation (real or not) you just don't know how to stop it and reinvent yourself.  You feel like you have to keep being that kid because that is what others expect of you.  

Help him with ideas on what he thinks might help...because he doesn't deserve to always be that kid.  It's great to be the free thinker, and have ideas of your own...but, it's not O.K to be disrespectful, just for the sake of being disrespectful.  Besides that, he's older than the Tongue behavior.  That's so three year old.  He can find a better way to speak his own mind without being ugly to others, and people will want to listen to him if he's discovered a better way to make his point.  

Help him learn tools for this.  He deserves so much more than what he's creating for himself.  He deserves to finish his work and be outside playing without that "i'm not done" feeling hanging over him.  He deserves to feel proud of his work, and the freedom that only comes with knowing it's done.

You know how you feel at tax time?  Then how  you feel when it's done and been mailed off?  That's what he deserves for himself with 1st grade work.  

Because I hated being the kid who never finished her work, or the kid who mouthed off in front of the other kids.  I hated knowing the other kids in the class went home and said "Guess what K did today?"  

This.  And how IS the teacher responding would be my question?  If she makes a big deal about it or it's a big production like putting him in the hallway or something for timeout, then really the behavior is getting rewarded.  It's a negative reward, but a reward no less.  If she would be willing to look the other way in front of the other kids then pull him aside before lunch or while everyone is out and just let him know how she feels about the behavior one-on-one so he can feel comfortable going to her rather than sticking his tongue out at her and not getting to the root of why he's doing it.

[anj_rn]

No he is not being rewarded positively or negatively.  Quite honestly, I think he is doing it because he knows she does not like it and he is seeking a reaction.  Unfortunately, his being disrespectful, is leading a cohort of other students as well.  I am taking him back to a therapist to see if this is something we can work through.

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[transylvania_mom]

That's why rewards/privileges don't work, imo, because motivation is extrinsic. As soon as he's not interested or doesn't care about a privilege being taken away, what do you do?

I would have a talk with him. I found that when I asked ds for cooperation and help instead of listening, I had a far more positive response. Also, the sentence "how would you feel if..." is very powerful. I would ask: "Ds, how would you feel if you were the teacher and someone else were rude and mean to you? How do you think your teacher feels? Can you help her keep order in the class next week, and let her finish her lesson? I'm sure your teacher would be so grateful."

Edited by transylvania_mom - 10/6/12 at 5:15pm

[skreader]

That sort of thing would get me angry.

First of all, sit him down and calmly tell him "This sticking out the tongue thing has to end. It is ugly and annoying . It is rude, impolite. When you do it, I feel angry at you. This is a common reaction. Your teacher doesn't like it either.  So now, when you do it, I will let you know that it's not cute or clever, it is rude and annoying.

The "How would you feel.." as suggested by PP may also be useful, although a kid who likes to get "smart" might ay "I wouldn't care", so you have to be ready with the "Well, imagine someone being rude and annoying to you in a way that you DO care about."

Then if he does it again,   I suggest you tell him calmly:  "That's ugly, annoying, and I feel angry when you do that" and walk away from him. Ignore him for a while. If he tries to speak to you, tell him "First, apologize to me for being rude."

Discuss this strategy with the teacher and see if she can try to implement it.