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Extended family(grandparents ect..) have bonding issues with non-blood children??

post #1 of 14
10/1/12 at 5:42pm
Thread Starter 

Just wondering if anyone else has this issue? My parents say they don't but they do and have always to the childrent that aren't biokids..3 of them to be exact..I thought it was a boy thing at first..Then maybe because it was the boys had adhd ect...but now I have a girl and she doens't have issues but they still have a problem...very hurt and tired of dealing with this all the time...Can't discuss with them because they deny it all the time..They ignore,withhold love,talk nasty ect...Ready to just split away from most of my family because of this..I don't want my 5 year old to go through what my son did growing up...Plus it really hurts....Anyone else deal with this kind of favoritism?? :((((

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post #2 of 14
10/1/12 at 5:54pm

I dealt with favoritism but I am a bio kid, It really really hurt me I still have resentment and wish my mom had not put me in the situation. My aunts uncles cousins and my mom always were more affectionate, caring, overall interested in my brother and sister. My aunt called me after my son was born to ask why my sister hasn't called her in a few weeks and could care less that the first of that generation for our family was finally here. I had not talked to her in 2 years. It still really stings. If you could limit contact I wish all the time I could have not grown up in that situation.
 

post #3 of 14
10/2/12 at 9:29am

Yeah, if they wont change, I would split. Kids are not dumb and they pick up on this. Ignoring, withholding love, and talking nasty is not something I would put up with. All kids deserve better than that. Heck I even treat my daughters friends nicer than that. 

post #4 of 14
10/2/12 at 11:51am

My DH dealt with this as a child (although he is not adopted).  His grandparents on his father's side treated him and his siblings different than the other grandchildren.  It was very hurtful to him and I wish he wouldn't have kept being subjected to it.  His mom was trying to win their favor though, so she kept bringing them to visit. 
 

post #5 of 14
10/2/12 at 1:45pm
Thread Starter 

This is what really bugs me though...My mom has always griped and cried that her mom did it to her kids over the other grandchildren and said how it always hurt her feelings..But she is doing the same thing:((( I am having a really rough time finding a job here so we may leave anyways..Might move 45 miles away where there are jobs available..

post #6 of 14
10/2/12 at 1:55pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mylie View Post

This is what really bugs me though...My mom has always griped and cried that her mom did it to her kids over the other grandchildren and said how it always hurt her feelings..But she is doing the same thing:((( I am having a really rough time finding a job here so we may leave anyways..Might move 45 miles away where there are jobs available..


Sounds like she is just perpetuating the cycle then. Sorry your kids and you have to deal with that.

post #7 of 14
10/2/12 at 2:07pm
I dealt with favoritism (unfavorably) growing up, and it was transferred to my son. I ended up pulling away from my family when my son was three and they traumatized him. I see in my siblings' families that they also chose one child to be the unwanted/disliked.

Your mother subconsciously is recreating what she experienced. It would be easier to view it objectively if you are no longer worrying about the impact on your children. Reducing the contact with your mother seems best for your children.
post #8 of 14
10/2/12 at 3:48pm

I'm not a bio-kid in my family but I grew up with a lot of love and affection.  My family is just that way, but lately I have been starting to question their motives.  Reason?  DH and I recently talked about adoption and everyone (my parents) got freaked when we mentioned that said child may be from another country, or if from this country, another race or ethnic background.  Makes me wonder if they would truly love someone if they were not "comfortable" with the child's background.  :(


Edited by CatsCradle - 10/3/12 at 6:57am
post #9 of 14
10/5/12 at 5:39pm

Sometimes people do repeat the same pattern they experienced and it can also be a blind spot for them. I wonder how she would respond if you were really direct with her about what you and your kids NEED, rather than confronting her with her lack. Would they be able to rise to the occasion if you asked them to do specific things that are important to your kids and you?
 

post #10 of 14
10/6/12 at 6:55am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by lauren View Post

Sometimes people do repeat the same pattern they experienced and it can also be a blind spot for them. I wonder how she would respond if you were really direct with her about what you and your kids NEED, rather than confronting her with her lack. Would they be able to rise to the occasion if you asked them to do specific things that are important to your kids and you?
 

I have tried that approach...What is important to me is they acknowledge her..Like in the mornings when she wakes up..Good Morning L!!! and hug her like they do the others..Or when she gets home from school..Hey L ..did you have a great fun day at school? But They don't..They ignore her unless they are getting after her...They never invite her to come play or spend the night like they do the other..It hurts her feelings..They buy stuff all the time for the others and think we don't notice...

 

L is a very sweet fun little girl...No trouble at all..So I really don't understand why they can't bond with her..She isn't a hard child at all to be around..

 

I just want them to love and cherish her like they do the other child...

post #11 of 14
10/7/12 at 9:33pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mylie View Post

I have tried that approach...What is important to me is they acknowledge her..Like in the mornings when she wakes up..Good Morning L!!! and hug her like they do the others..Or when she gets home from school..Hey L ..did you have a great fun day at school? But They don't..They ignore her unless they are getting after her...They never invite her to come play or spend the night like they do the other..It hurts her feelings..They buy stuff all the time for the others and think we don't notice...

 

L is a very sweet fun little girl...No trouble at all..So I really don't understand why they can't bond with her..She isn't a hard child at all to be around..

 

I just want them to love and cherish her like they do the other child...

That is terrible. I am so sorry you and your family have to do that. I would stop letting your other child over there to get presents and sleepovers while she is overlooked.  Just visit on on holidays and refuse presents from them. I would even let them know before you come that you do not want them to give any presents to your other child and leave immediately if they do it anyway.  That behavior is not okay and is very damaging to the kid being neglected.

post #12 of 14
10/8/12 at 1:20am
Thread Starter 

The other child isn't mine or I would...We live in the same house until I get a job and can get our own place..That is the really hard part about it..We are stuck until income tax time basically...I try to keep L out of the house as much a possible but with it getting cold and no money we really don't have any place to go now...:(( Just praying it goes fast and we can get our own place in the next town over where she won't be exsposed to it as much...

post #13 of 14
10/8/12 at 6:55pm

We have one bio and one adopted (who is racially different from the rest of us).  We've had it where they do it to my kids but not the cousins.  And it went pretty far.  We broke it off with one set of gps and we've relocated (which keeps any of this with the other set of gps pretty well under the radar of my kids).

 

To be honest, I don't even miss any of them.  In retrospect, it was more pain than happiness.

post #14 of 14
10/12/12 at 4:50am

I have the feeling there would be some issues with one set of grandparents if there were any biological grandchildren on that side. But because there are not, then there's no favoritism. I plan to keep it that way. It's one - of many reasons - we will have all adopted kids and no bio kids.

 

Everyone took their own time to warm up to the idea of adoption, particularly adoption from fostercare. No one understood why we would choose that route. But they've all warmed up to our son. He's pretty irresistable, really, so it's no surprise that everyone fell in love with him eventually.

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Mothering › Mothering Discussion Forums › Parenting › Adoptive and Foster Parenting › Extended family(grandparents ect..) have bonding issues with non-blood children??