Hospital visitors rant!! « Back to Group Discussions

[tm0sweet]

I have now been informed by at least 3 people (non family) "I hope you know I'm going to be there to visit at the hospital!" %#$&@! Is it just me or would that drive you NUTS?! When DS was born I didn't want to see anyone but my husband and my oldest (adopted) son in the hospital. To me it was time I needed with my family and my baby. Besides the fact that I'm feeling less than glamorous after giving birth, that's not exactly a moment I want to share with millions of people. And as the mother of 2 young boys, those days in the hospital will be the only quiet days i will get with the baby ever. I have no clue how to share with well wishers that I'd much rather them save their well wishing until I'm at least home from the hospital!

Am I the only one who feels this way? I realize it's selfish, but shouldn't my needs count for something too?

Jus needed to rant for a moment

[guen]

No, it's not just you.  I wouldn't be keen on non-family (and even some family!) visitors at the hospital, either.  And no, you aren't being selfish and yes, your needs should count for something. As it happens, you being the one having just given birth, your needs should count for everything.  A simple "We won't be having visitors at the hospital after the birth, but we look forward to seeing you after we get settled in at home!" should suffice.  End of.  Boundaries, people, boundaries.
 

[finnegansmom]

We don't stay long enough in the hospital to have visitors, but with my last birth I had my baby at 4am and we were home around 2pm and literally at 205pm, we had people at our house...I had to sit in my living room, bleeding, cramping and exhausted entertaining people.  UGH.

I don't mind people visiting at home but a little warning is always nice plus when people visit at home, especially if you have other kids, it's just so nice if they bring a meal.  No one has ever done that for us, which would be so appreciated (considering our whole family lives in our town.

[abouttobe5]

I agree totally!  The day after my son was born, I'm in a hospital gown and slowly getting up to move around and I had patient walk in for a visit to "see the new baby".  I just about died.  She did NOT get the hint and stayed for 45 minutes.  I was recovering from a c section, puffy, on meds still, getting used to breastfeeding again, and everything else that comes with a new baby and she wouldn't leave.  :(  

Luckily my parents arrived and she said "well, now that you have someone else to talk to, I'll scoot out" and I was like "uh....yeah, probably best." 

BOUNDARIES!  Yes, absolutely.  I would say exactly what the PP said or add in that "I really appreciate how much you want to see the baby but I would rather wait until I'm home and more comfortable before I see visitors."

[rnra]

Many hospitals now (at least in my area of the country) have security codes for visitors to the pediatric/women's floors.  So, they give the patient a code and all visitors must have that code to enter.  The patient is responsible for distributing it as they see fit.  That could be beneficial in your case.  I'd check with the hospital to see what their visiting policies are.

Also, the best option (in my opinion) is to wait to publically announce the arrival until after you're home.  Don't post it on Facebook and all that.  Just let those who you want to visit know.  Then you can fill in everyone else a few days later.

[eggsandpancakes]

just put on your admissions paperwork that staff is not to give out any information. then don't call anyone til you get home. Your birth, your baby, they can all go suck eggs.

[CindyCindy]

All you have to say is "Oh, how nice!!  Give us a call and we will let you know when a good time to stop by is."  If they don't call, don't allow them in.  If they do call, dad gets to tell them that "now is not a good time".  I don't think it's appropriate for people just to stop by whenever they feel like it after a baby is born, whether it's at home or at a hospital.  This is YOUR birth, it is YOUR baby, it is YOUR time, it is YOUR special moment.  You can use sooo many excuses.  "We are worried about X (insert illness) going around right now and would prefer to keep baby secluded for a week" "Mama had a rough birth and needs lots of rest right now"  I could go on and on....find one you feel comfy with and have hubby/SO prepared to fend off well meaning visitors.  Another good idea is to have a welcoming party for baby.  You can tell them "I can't wait for you to meet baby, so we are setting aside some special time for that to happen". Then throw a small party for people to meet the baby on your own terms.

[PacificMar]

It's hard when loved ones want to participate in such a joyous occasion but don't do so in a way that's supportive to you. This is my first pregnancy so I haven't yet had personal experience with well-meaning intruders, but my patients describe how helpful hospital staff were in turning those folks away. They could always rely on hospital policy and such and if the insistent relative got mad at anyone, it would be at the staff (who were used to it and didn't take it personally) and not at you. 

We're planning a home birth and the positive side of our families' living in other states is that they can't pop over and come watch the birth as I'm sure some of them really would love to do (and I wouldn't). 

[kparker]

I miiiight tell my parents and inlaws when I'm in labor. Maybe. Everyone else won't get to know until later if I can at all avoid it. No one save my DH and doula will be in the birth center with us. Everyone else can see us at home, later. And I'll throw things at anyone who tries to do otherwise!

[kateaton]

I will only be telling my dad when I'm in labor and that's only because he's coming over to watch my girls.  My in-laws will be told when the baby is born and we are back home.  I will only have my DH at the birth center (along with my mw and her assistant).  I am fiercely protective over my labor and the period right after.  I've learned this after having 2 babies and having people staying over at my home- I will NOT do that again!

[tm0sweet]

If it were up to me I'd have an unassisted birth at home! As it goes DH isn't so thrilled with the home birth idea and I have a great midwife that delivers at hospitals. The hospital does have very limited visiting hours so I can use that as an excuse. As well as the fact that the lactation consultants come check on patients during those times too. I love the idea of inviting everyone over for a welcome home party. Get it all over with at once! I wish I could not tell anyone, but my mom will be watching the kids and my family is INSANELY connected (as I get a txt update on my cousin who's in labor right now!) maybe I'll just ask her not to call anyone until I'm done. We'll see how that goes over

It's nice to hear I'm not the only one who goes into mama bear mode during labor and birth!

[poema304]

I think its vital to get that alone time with your new family! You can tell the nurses that you do not want any visitors with the exception of the people you actually want to see.

I think this time around we won't tell anyone when I'm in my birthing time, with the exception of our midwife and doula. Last time my mom called me about 45 minutes after I had my son and she was really upset that I hadn't called her to tell her he was born. I don't want the stress people waiting around for updates... I want this time to be all about me I see it all the time with my doula clients... dad gets busy texting or calling people to update them and forgets about mama.

Anyways, what we did for the rest of the well wishers was we threw a big brother party for my older son about a month later. Then everyone came at one convenient time to see the new baby and made my older son feel important too

[fayebond]

O my I get so tired of people around after birth!   Its normal, we're all with you.  A big benefit of being at the hospital is you can just say, no visitors, and the nurses will make it happen (at least, at my hospital they would, but we only had a couple at a time for a little bit, so it wasn't a big deal).  I found that the people who had threatened to show up right away didn't ever pop around, they got busy with thier own lives.

I know its very hard, but sometimes you just have to screw up your gut and pre-write the announcement email.  Since we have a homebirth planned, the idea is to get some privacy before everyone comes over.  Mine...

We're so happy to announce the birth of our newest baby!

 

A special thank you to everyone who has been praying for us, (name) was born in perfect health (weight, length) praise G_d!

 

Mama and baby are worn out from labor and are sleeping now, but otherwise doing fine.  Daddy is home for several days to help out and everyone is happy but tired.  They will be welcoming visitors and meals in a couple of days.  

 

[MrsKoehn]

I *hope* we're not in the hospital at all. If we are, it'll be like my sis did. She told the nurses NO VISITORS. They would just tell people they weren't having visitors at that time so ppl would go away. She didn't even want our Mom coming down till after she came home. Here, we've only told hubby's immediate family and 2 cousins. So there's a max of 6 families that would come. I told my Mom to plan to fly up when they can afford it after hubby's going back to work. He's got a week of vacation. It could be close to Thanksgiving if I go the 10 days over that's "average" for FTMs, and a week after that would be Thanksgiving. So I told her to set a budget and take it from there.

I told hubby if word gets out and his aunts and butt faced cousins come by (there's esp one that's BAD about going to new babies and posting pics online, sometimes before the Mom is able to see her own baby in the case of a C), they're NOT allowed in.