Hello, curious teen here.

[curiouskid]

Well, I'm here because I enjoy reading about how women raise their kids and comparing them to my own mother's ways- I'm just weird like that. But after a long while of lurking, I thought I'd make an account and ask y'all your opinions on something that's been going on for me for a long while now. I've been dating a much older man for over a year (slightly on and off with small breaks) now, and I'm itching to introduce him to my family :/ I really just kinda want that validation of "Oh, you have a boyfriend and we're cool with it.", you know? They don't know about him, and I have to sneak around to see him and this really bothers us both. He loves me and I love him so we tolerate it, but I still don't like it. I was wondering what you mothers would do if you were told by your daughter that she was in a situation such as this- being in a fairly long time and committed relationship with someone who is 5+ years her senior? I'm really just trying to get a feel for the general consensus about this sort of thing from a mother's point of view, and I hope you guys don't mind me posting here since I'm not a mom xD. By the way, I'm 15 and my boyfriend is soon to be 26. Please don't bash us, also :( A bunch of people yelling at me over the internet is not going to stop me from loving him nor him loving me. One more thing- I've researched this extensively and as far as I can understand, the legal age of consent in my state is 16 as long as you have parental permission, and its 18 without.

I guess my real question is, what would you do? Assuming the guy was nice, had his head on straight and GENUINELY cared about your daughter, do you think you could be okay with it? Or would he just be a pedophile in your eyes? Thank you all!

[mtiger]

I would have to meet him, but I would wonder what a 26yo man sees in a 15yo girl. And I would likely require their dating to be supervised. I'm sorry, but I would not be comfortable with my child in that situation. If he cared enough for my child, that wouldn't be a problem. If it's a problem? Then so is he... IMO, of course.

Also, be aware that, if there is anything sexual going on (and in some states, that could be as innocent as anything more than a simple peck on the lips) - he *could*, in some states,  find himself on a sex offenders' list.
 

[AmandaT]

I will start out by saying I'm 23, still young. I hope you know I am not yelling at you, what I'm going to say I'm saying because I've BTDT (well, almost I was 15 and he was 23, so closer in age than you two). I've also seen my friends do similar things, and it never worked out well.

My relationship fizzled after almost a year, actually because my mom found out. She was NOT happy, threatened to call the cops if I continued seeing him, etc. While I was initially upset (obviously) once some time had passed I was actually glad. I thought about what kind of future we could have had, and it was not a great one. By the time you will be 18, he'll be almost 30. Many people want to settle down around 30, will you want to at 18, 20, or even 22? I know I'm only 23 with an infant, but I chose to settle mainly I wasn't into the bar/club scene (although we were planning to wait another 2 or 3 years before our first) and did a lot of crazy stuff before I was even 18- I am ready for a family life. 

If you do end up staying with this man, he will have been the only man you've know since 15. Although in some situations that is nice and romantic, realistically its often better to be with at least a few different people throughout your life so you can learn what you do/do not like from a partner.

A huge part of the late teen/early 20 years is personal growth, growing into the woman you will be. It involves a lot of evolving on your part- its very likely that who you are at 15 is not going to be the same person you are at 17, 20, or 24 (although you always keep evolving as a person-hopefully!- its not nearly as drastic as it is in those formative years). Its unlikely that he will continue to grow with you, and you will find yourself outgrowing him, which is more painful than ending it now on good terms, and reevaluating the relationship in a few years.

That's what M and I did, and I found by 17 I was more mature than he was, and by 20 I felt a little sorry for this person I now saw as a man-boy. 

Looking back on the relationship we didn't have anything in common. We had a lot of sex, but nothing to talk about. He wasn't in school, we didn't have anything to talk about from childhood (we watched different shows, popular books were different, toys were different) and in general what a 26 year old cares about should be different than what a 15 year old cares about. 

Sorry for the long post, but to answer the question you actually asked:

I'd be pissed. I'd be sad for you, I would expect you to be isolated from your friends (other parents aren't going to let a 26 year old come and hang out with their teenagers), alone at any dances (prom), school functions, and the like. It IS illegal, although 16 is the age of consent, most states have a 4/5 year upper limit on the consent (ie you could date a 19 year old, but not a 22 year old). If you're mature enough to date an older man, you should be mature enough to understand the likely ramifications of it, and put the relationship on hold until you're older. I know its rough, but its really in both of your best interests (yours so you can continue to grow, his so he doesn't get arrested!).  

[mtiger]

Just an FYI, Amanda - 16 is not the age of consent in all states. So that would depend on where curiouskid lives.
 

[AmandaT]

I know, I was just going off what the OP said about her state. 

[mtiger]

I somehow missed that bit, but also now see that it's 16 *with parental permission*. I suspect I would not be giving it, at least in the described situation.

[grethel]

As the mother of a girl who will be 15 soon, I'll try to put myself in your parents' shoes. If my daughter told me what you've said -- that he has his head on straight, that he is a nice person who genuinely cares for you - my response would be: No, he's not. I'm sorry. A good man, a wise man, would realize that a relationship with a 15 year old is inappropriate no matter what the circumstance. A person who genuinely cares about you and what is best for you would realize it is wrong at this point in your lives. If he didn't realize that, as your boyfriend apparently doesn't, I would assume he had some flaw in either intellectual ability, common sense or ethical reasoning. Any of those flaws would make him a person I'd be concerned about as a partner for my daughter (same would be true for a son, btw).

I'm sure it's not what you want to hear, and you do sound mature for your age. But anything that would allow a 26 year old man to believe it's appropriate for him to have a romantic and/or sexual relationship with a young teen would make him a bad match, no matter how nice he is otherwise.

[MissMuffet]

I live in the middle east and, though it's becoming less common, a lot of girls are still teens when they get married to guys in their twenties+. It works, they're happy. Then again they are socially conditioned to expect that type of thing from a young age and are ready for it. They're not looking to try out more than one partner before settling (not necessarily a recipe for success anyway imo) nor to have fun and ' be a teenager'. They're young adults and are fine with the responsibilities and hard work that comes with a serious relationship. Hmm I don't think this is of much help to you other than knowing that a relationship bearing similar characteristics in a different part of the world is totally workable.

[MissMuffet]

Just wondering why it makes it ok if a fifteen year old boy (young man, actually) is going out with a fifteen year old girl (young woman, actually), has sex with her, makes her pregnant, etc., but if he's eight years older it's suddenly not ok. Genuine question, interesting to know cultural pov in these matters.

[Ragana]

Originally Posted by MissMuffet 

Just wondering why it makes it ok if a fifteen year old boy (young man, actually) is going out with a fifteen year old girl (young woman, actually), has sex with her, makes her pregnant, etc., but if he's eight years older it's suddenly not ok. Genuine question, interesting to know cultural pov in these matters.

It's not OK, it's just not illegal here if they're the same age.

[JollyGG]

I've also been there though I was slightly older. I was 17 and he was 27. My parents actually just shrugged and trusted that I would figure it all out. Well that is the face they showed me. There is a good chance they were freaking out in private. It didn't take me long to figure out that the relationship was doomed. He was 27, a really nice guy, he had a good job as a welder, and we had friends in common. I was 17, a junior in high school, planning to go to college. But you know what, I was the mature one in the relationship. Basically, a mature 27 year old adult isn't really that into hanging out with teenagers. Our relationship ended when he got served with support papers for a 10 year old daughter he swears he knew nothing about. I realized that I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone with a child closer to my age than he was. While he was a good guy he wasn't headed in the direction I wanted my life to go and I broke up with him.

I would urge you to bring your relationship out in the open. Do normal things together that don't involve sneaking around. Figure out if you really have as much in common as you think once things are there for the world to see. Your parents may very well freak. They may let  you figure things out on your own, like mine did. But you'll never know if you two can function in an adult, honest relationship until you are honest with the people around you.

[JollyGG]

Originally Posted by MissMuffet 

Just wondering why it makes it ok if a fifteen year old boy (young man, actually) is going out with a fifteen year old girl (young woman, actually), has sex with her, makes her pregnant, etc., but if he's eight years older it's suddenly not ok. Genuine question, interesting to know cultural pov in these matters.

Because kids and adolescents make poor choices at times. We look at lots of childish decisions and realize that behaviors might not be appropriate or acceptable, but they are age appropriate and developmentally normal behaviors.
So when a toddler throws a tantrum we teach them to control their temper and except the behavior. When an adult throws a tantrum we consider it a real problem.

When two teenagers have poor impulse control and raging hormones that result in poor decisions being made we work on teaching them better self control and planning but recognize that they are behaving in age appropriate and developmentally typical ways. We expect an adult to have developed the self control and maturity to recognize that a relationship with someone who is still in the middle of teenage emotional, mental, and social development might be inappropriate.

[curiouskid]

Hello everyone. Thanks for all the replies! I don't really have the time right now to reply to each of you individually, but I'll say a few things. He's always dated women his own age and older than him up until he met me. I think the reason he's okay with dating me and my age is because he's been hurt in the past by women around his age, and he's found that I'm not like that. He's said before that he'd never date anyone this age again, and I can understand why. Its scary sometimes. I'm afraid to bring it out in the open like one poster said because we HAVE had sex, and I'm afraid my mom would make me get a rape kit done or something (though doesn't that require for there to be sperm in there?) and while he's never raped me or anyone else, I realize that no matter how much I say "yes, i want to do this" that its still a crime and HE would get in trouble for it rather than me. And for whoever mentioned me not having any experience with guys other than him- that is not true. I went through a break up before I met him where I was completely used and lied to and generally treated like shit (by a guy only a few months older, no less) and I went on sort of a "boy-bender" :/ I dated and had sex with A LOT of good and not so good guys during that period, and I ended up in a very dark place. My current bf helped me recover from that experience- my first real heartbreak- and while our fights and occasional "breaks" were never good for either of our mental health, I've never even come close to experiencing such a thing again. So maybe you could say he's a kind of comfort for me, and that's why I put up with the sneaking around. But its not a bad thing, I don't think. Its not something I feel bad about (moreso the lying that comes with it) and I feel as if I'll be fine with wanting to settle down at such a young age, and I don't think I'll change so much that it'll render my feelings for him obsolete. Between the ages of 13 and 15 I did do a lot of crazy things, and while its fun in the moment its not so great when you wake up with a hangover, or get the munchies while you're coming down off drugs. Nor is the guilt and disgust I felt with myself when I had a one night stand with some worthless jerk who was never going to talk to me again. I don't want to go back to that, and its even hard for me to talk about it. But he accepts me for my shortcomings and I him; we still love each other and from what I've heard from other girls my age and older, that's not an easy thing to come by. I just don't think that him being older than me should negate all that, and its so stupid that people think its disgusting and awful now but in 3 years I could go have sex with my grandfather and it'd be less taboo. But that's society, and there's nothing I can do about it. Forgive me for rambling :/ this ended up longer than I intended.

[nextcommercial]

Originally Posted by grethel 

As the mother of a girl who will be 15 soon, I'll try to put myself in your parents' shoes. If my daughter told me what you've said -- that he has his head on straight, that he is a nice person who genuinely cares for you - my response would be: No, he's not. I'm sorry. A good man, a wise man, would realize that a relationship with a 15 year old is inappropriate no matter what the circumstance. A person who genuinely cares about you and what is best for you would realize it is wrong at this point in your lives. If he didn't realize that, as your boyfriend apparently doesn't, I would assume he had some flaw in either intellectual ability, common sense or ethical reasoning. Any of those flaws would make him a person I'd be concerned about as a partner for my daughter (same would be true for a son, btw).

I'm sure it's not what you want to hear, and you do sound mature for your age. But anything that would allow a 26 year old man to believe it's appropriate for him to have a romantic and/or sexual relationship with a young teen would make him a bad match, no matter how nice he is otherwise.

Exactly.  A 26 yr old man needs to date a 20+ yr old woman.  Not a teenager.  I would  not allow it...I'll be honest and say I would most likely get the police involved. It's probably an overreaction, but I'd absolutely press charges.

A good quality man wants what is best for everybody.  And, this may be fun, but it's not best.

[Cynthia Mosher]

I'm really sorry but I must close and remove this thread. This forum is restricted to 18 year old adults and exceptions made only for young women who are pregnant or mothers. 

curiouskid, please seek counseling in your community.