This sucks

[MamaRuga]

I"ve discovered that stbx has been having a very close long distance "friendship" with another woman.  This has been taking place since last November (although they have known each other longer). I am deeply hurt.  A lot makes more sense now (like why he wants the divorce asap).  He won't pursue an actual relationship with her until the divorce, although it has already been a very emotionally intimate relationship.  

What sucks is that I didn't know.  It sucks this was happening while I was pregnant.  And I didn't get on with the separation agreement quickly enough to have it wrapped up.

Now I have to wait until we legalize the agreement before I confront him about it.  Emotionally I want to bring this out into the open and let him know that I know.  If it was just me, I would have already done that.  But I have to put aside my feelings and look at taking care of my girls.  I can't risk upsetting the apple cart before we have our agreement in place.   

The other woman will be in town next month for a conference that they are both attending (DH is organizing it).  I REALLY REALLY want/NEED to bring this into the open before then.  I am hoping I can find a lawyer today who can see me to look over our agreement points.  I wonder if it is realistic to get an agreement finished in a week. We have agreed to all of the things we want in it.

I'm a mess, though.  I am getting through but I'm not eating, can't think clearly.  I drove home yesterday, 45 minutes on the highway, only to discover that I hadn't finished buckling my 3 month old in her car seat!  Then, later, I almost drove away without buckling my 4.5 y.o. in (at least she could tell me I had forgotten!).  

I can feel all of the stress hormones running in my body and I feel so bad that my baby is just drinking all of that in through my milk.  She has been an easy baby but is clearly more fussy, won't let me put her down, not sleeping well, etc.  I HATE HATE HATE that this all is taking place while she is so young and vulnerable.  I can send my older daughter off to the grandparents or friends while I cry, or meet with therapists, or lawyers, etc.  But the baby is going everywhere and just taking it all in.  I feel so guilty about it.  I'm really in survival mode, here, though.  

It just really really sucks.

[anon_abroad]

I can relate to the unexpected feeling of hurt when you find out stbx has a relationship in the makes, even if you are already working towards a separation. All I can offer you are virtual hugs and sincere empathy. My advice is to not hold back/deny your emotions, let them come out. As for baby, it is sad that she is stressing along with you, but we can't hide every sad event from our children, and it's part of their lives too.

I have a friend who suffered as a girl watching her mother suffer over issures with her father (betrayals...), and you know what? She didn't grow up to be damaged or have awful relationships with men, she actually choose a really good, caring man and has a really lovely marriage BECAUSE she had seen her mother's suffering in the past and didn't want that for herself. So you never know what impact it can have on your children....it could be positive.
 

[lilgreen]

That sounds like a horribly stressful and extremely painful position to be in. Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to? I know you're too busy to do things like yoga. Writing on mdc was extremely helpful for me when I was going through the most painful period. I couldn't eat either, but a friend made me some single-serving dishes I put in my freezer and that helped. Can you grab some relatively healthy freezer meals for yourself? I don't know how fast private lawyers can make such things happen, but I hope you get through that step quickly and you can create closure for yourself over this issue. Your baby will fine. She is certainly feeling your stress, but that will not bother her any longer than it will last. You will get through this and you will be so much better. HUGS! xo

[chefmommy]

So sorry you and your girls are going through this. It does really suck! I agree with what the other ladies wrote. Lean on friends/family to relieve the stress if you are unable to express it to your stbx. Your girls are so lucky to have such an amazing Mom and keep that in mind when you feel bad. Come back on the board and vent to us as well:)

[MamaRuga]

Thanks for the support.  Today things are a LOT better!

I found a new lawyer yesterday that can put our agreement together very quickly.  He can also handle the business law side of things that we will need to work out (we own our business together and want to stay partners in it).  It is great I don't have to find another biz lawyer.   He can handle it all.

But the best thing that has happened is that my husband and I talked about the other friendship.  I was really really afraid to do it.  In most situations I think it wouldn't have been the best thing to do.  My #1 concern is that I am able to take care of my girls and want to make sure I have that covered through our agreement.  But being able to be open and honest as we make this transition is also important.  I know that there are many relationships in which this is not possible and really too risky. 

But the air is clearer now.  And he was able to give me exactly what I needed.  He could see that it was inappropriate (although he didn't think it was because it was just a friendship), he has apologized, and taken full responsibility.  It led to a much bigger discussing about the bigger picture of what happened.  The honesty and friendship are there and I feel more positive about the future together.  I'm breathing easier.  I still feel incredibly bruised and raw.  I am still working to fast track our separation agreement.  I know that there are more ups and downs to come.  He is off signing his new lease as I write, so I know that there is more waves of grief to come.  But I just wanted to share that I'm not in such a dark place today.  

[rocky]

I'd like to comment on what Anon Abroad said.  I've seen that my xh, raised in a family where his dad cheated and his mom STAYED (and is a relatively miserable person) -learned that cheating is ok.  It did not disrupt his family.  Had his mom left, even if she were miserable for a year or so, probably it would have  overall improved xh's life.  This is because they are now married about 50 years and they pretty much can't stand eachother.  He sits on the couch watching football and chain smoking and she sits in the kitchen watching game shows, cooking, cleaning and gobbling up proscuitto.  (anon abroad can probably relate lol!).  So the leaving the unhappy marriage I think, teaches kids that they have a choice.  If a situation is not good, they can choose to move on and do not have to live a life of misery.  My xh probably doesn't quite want to admit how miserable his parents are - but they are. 

I would also like to tell you that I have btdt.   Your xh IS having an affair.  That is not a friendship.  There are a lot of little issues going on here and I'll try to adress that one and some of my thoughts about it.  First - try going to www.survivinginfidelity.com and read up on affairs.  There are emotional and physical affairs.  My xh had both going on and to this day swears up and down that he didn't have sex with his affair partner for respect to me until we were separated.  Uh... thanks a lot xh.  (meanwhile he did have sex with someone else just prior to that).   What is going to happen when that woman comes in for the conference?  Are they really going to sit around and drink coffee - maybe invite you?  I didn't think so.  And the reason the answer is no is because that is not a friendship - that is an affair. 

What I'd like to say since this is really relevant for you at this very moment- right now you know he's cheating.  Do not be mrs. nice guy.  He is feeling guilt and you need to use this moment to capitalize on his guilt for having an affair.  Please do not be light on him.  Go to that website and understand that this IS an affair and do not be light on him because he's being nice right now - telling you about his 'friendship'.  I TOTALLY TOTALLY TOTALLY understand the hurt, not eating, not buckling the kids, head in the clouds, not being able to think straight.  I have SO BEEN THERE.  I describe it as my body going into shock.   Every now and then I'd get a new piece of info about the affair and I'd go into more shock.  Like first that it was just something that happened and was over.  Then (shock) - they were back in contact - then her husband called me and told me they were moving in together - but all the while I thought it was over.  Each time a new wave of body going into shock.  My other symptom was extreme thirst for water - when I'd get a piece of news my mouth would immediately go dry.   What I was able to do in that situation to try to stay sane - for example - I had some trouble with my tenants in an apartment.  I absolutely could not think straight enough to figure out what to do.  So I called a friend who owns apartments also who is a very smart person and I asked her what she would do.  I did EXACTLY as she told me and it came out fine.  I did this several times in different situations.  I couldn't think straight.  I needed to find people who could do the thinking for me.  I was very slow to get a financial agreement in place and maybe would have gotten more had I been faster on the uptake.  Also the longer you wait the longer you will go without any child support at all.

Another thing - Keep telling yourself that you have to be there for your dd's.  You cannot stay in bed.  You cannot walk around crying.  You cannot allow yourself to fall into a depression.  Keep doing activities that you normally like to do - even if at the moment they seem useless or boring - and especially if they seem that way.  Keep doing them.  You MUST be there for your kids and becoming depressed won't help.  You are going to stay strong because they need you.  This is your number one responsibility.  You also will not accept an agreement that does not take care of your dd's becasue you are too tired/stressed/shocked for a fight.  You must fight FOR THEM and get them the correct amount of support and correct visitation in place. 

I highly recommend the book "Crazy Time" by Abagail Trafford.  It's a bit dated but a divorce classic and will make you feel normal and a lot better.  It is a wonderful read in your situation. 

Good luck and glad you are feeling better.  It's going to be a bumpy ride ahead but you will get through it.   The ups and downs are pretty intense - so keep in mind when there's a down, things will get better.   They will get much, much, much better.  This is an ending but it's also a new beginning.

Hugs.