I see a lot of threads on here about dating as a single parent, but I don't see a lot about celibacy or singledom as an ongoing choice beyond the SMC thread of mamas who chose to go the initial process alone... any other mamas out there who are choosing to stay single and celibate throughout motherhood on purpose? Just curious.
Any Single Mamas Who Choose Not to Date?
After getting out of a horrible relationship with an emotional abuser , I can´t even imagine , being with someone else .
On the contrary , I am quite happy being alone , but really I am not alone , I have my wonderful , sometimes challenging kiddos , my pets , my friends , my hobbies , my computer ...
A man would only be in the way tbh , at this point , I cannot see myself invest any time or emotions or whatever into a relationship
And sex , don´t miss it , after my husband died , I had no sex for several years and can´t say , it bothered me too much .
I mean , don´t get me wrong , it can be great with someone you love and care about , but if I would have to do without it , okay !
Plus , in my case , there would have to feeling behind it and if I don´t have that , I´d rather do without !
So , yes , I am happy the way things are !
My husband has been dead for a year and a half and I have chosen not to date. I miss him and the companionship but not the other compromising couple bullshit the rest of it entailed. If it was the right person, perhaps, but I'm not looking. That's just an unneeded stress to add to my overflowing plate. No thanks. My life is pretty full with my kids, pets, home/cooking/baking, books and friends. I'm content.
It would be nice to chat with like minded mamas. People in my real life feel the need to blatantly inquire to my dating status ALL the time! It's annoying. I'm in the grocery store and run into a person I barely know and 8 times out of ten they will ask me if I have started dating yet; I reply, no, and that usually brings the pity fallen face for the young widow. Oy!!
I didn't date for 6 years after my divorce. My reasons were that I was busy working my way through college and taking care of the kids, but I had personal reasons as well. I had been in an abusive relationship, and I felt very "stunted" by that. It took me a very long time to really "find myself", to feel I had healed enough from that to attempt another relationship.
I'm in a solid relationship now, but we aren't living together. I'm happy with how things are going now, and I've never regretted my years of not dating. I did what I needed to do, which is take care of myself and my kids first.
I didn't date for 4 years after my ex left. I had a 9 year old, a 5 year old, and a 4 month old. I didn't have time to date! lol But I also didn't want to just bring people in and out of their lives. I wanted to wait until I was ready, until they were older, and until I thought that someone was "worthy" of coming into their lives. Four years later I found him, four years after that I married him.
I have been single since I was pregnant and my son is now 11. I've always been happy just by myself. Mum's given up on me marrying and having more children. It took her years though to realise it.
(I just realised that this posted under my facebook login, but my username was emeraldstar8*)
Seriously. It's honestly sad how few people realize that it's okay to not be in a relationship, that we can be whole, happy people on our own.
Yes! This is how I feel when people insinuate that my choice is somehow "giving up", that I am defeated, or a loser in the game of life because I don't want a partner. It drives me crazy to be pitied for my decision to provide a stable home life for my kid that doesn't include two parents... ESPECIALLY when it comes from people with an unstable history of coupledom. Like, the person who was on her fourth marriage who told me not to give up because I may find "true love" yet, and who is now getting her fourth divorce, or the woman who's in a second abusive relationship, and dragging her preteen daughter through hell because of it... it just smacks of other people trying to make themselves feel better about the decisions they've made in contrast to how they feel about my decision. It's gross. I don't go around telling them they should never date again, that they'd be better off alone, or telling them that their children are worse off with a poor example of a relationship than with none at all... why do they have to shove their desperation for coupledom down my throat and tell me that my child needs for me to be married/partnered, that if I don't have a partner my kid is going to grow up more prone to violence, crime, etc.? How messed up is that?
Oops... that all came out sort of mean.
Disclaimer: this was not directed at anyone on the Mothering forums... it was just a rant.
I had some nibbles but they were always in portland where I was for work about a week out of every few months.
I never dated much and to be honest the thought of a "date" makes me weak and sweaty. LOL.
I generally argued that nibbles in PDX were bad idea because of distance and all that.
I also suspect that i'm WAAAYY hotter in portland than here in texas. but I also worked from home and seldom saw adults, and I really don't have friends since I was working 20hrs a day a lot of the time and the kids. So it's not like I got out and met people.
I dunno....part of me isn't getting any cuter and the TWO men i've dated (first bf and ex) never wanted sex. So would be nice to make up for lost time. But all the men i've been with were whiny and depressed and just put all their crap on ME. I'm very happy with the kids and I can do whatever I want and not have to answer to any adults for moving a bookcase etc.
What really drives me nuts though is my younger sister is totally uptight and granny panty wearing chick who cannot be alone. She gloms onto men and gets all wrapped up in them emotionally. She says she needs a night of space and then calls me crying because GUY didn't come over, call or text....or obsess about how they don't love her as much as she loves them, or says how they fawn over how she's so sexy/pretty but she doesn't know if they REALLY mean it.
(i've been subject to hours and hours and hours of this, if you hadn't guessed)
The last guy left his WIFE for her, and then after ehh...maybe a year? she dumped him and then tried to kill herself over him.
Now she's txting me (they broke up maybe 8 months ago, she's been doing a couple "dates" and only got out of loony bin in may?) about how I don't understand because i'm "frigid" and she's really horny and I just don't have as high of a sex drive.
Meanwhile i'm worried i'm going to break my hitachi and my tastes vary quite a bit past vanilla. I think the people who know me well enough would say that I have a *really* high sex drive.
I'm about *this* close to unhinging on my sis to be honest, I just feel ....I dunno, insulted because she assumes that because I have I dunno...standards and I don't NEED a man to make myself feel good about myself (emotionally) that i'm FRIGID? ugh!
I had a bit of a dalience immediately after seperation, but it's been gosh....close to 4yrs since I've even kissed anyone.
Between dates freaking me out and whole independence/kids issue....I dunno. I really don't.
I met a guy in portland actually, about 2.5 years ago. he was a sales rep, actually. and we had a INSTANT connection. Never felt like that about anyone...ever. He begged me to go out with him but I was nervous, heading back to tx, and had issue with considering dating LD. a girl from his past re-appeared before I'd returned to PDX and I got (really tactfully done I must say) tossed aside. Didn't speak to him for gosh....6+ months, then met him for lunch....and everytime I was in town he'd take me out to dinner etc.
There was long lingering hugs, staring into my eyes, gushing over my intel/body/etc, sharing of food and drinks (we split a beer even...hehe) and the last time I saw him he circled the block for an hour or more trying to convince me I ought to sleep with him, and convince himself it was the wrong thing to do.
He was still dating girl, which he didn't mention until later, but I couldn't cut off communication because he was our sales rep....
I keep pondering a CL ad asking a guy to come over and bang me like screen door in hurricaine and take the trash to the curb on his way out. LOL. thats about all I want from a guy right now anyway.....heh.
I guess I should clarify and reiterate that by choosing not to date, I also meant choosing celibacy.
ETA: I think that the PPs hitachi comment might be better suited in the forum that deals with that subject. A little TMI for my tastes, even in an online setting... hey, call me frigid, but whatever. The initial post on this thread was my attempt to create a place for mamas who were tired of all the sex and dating talk on the other threads on this part of the forum.
No, you are not alone. I first heard about this in my divorce-care class at the church. That by throwing myself into a new relationship right after the break up I am just going to get into deeper trouble. They say it takes 1 year for each 5 years of married life to get back on your feet emotionally. It's been 3 years for me so far, my son is 4,5. I feel wonderful on my own, but it does get lonelly around the holiday season, because my other relatives are in a different country. I have just started thinking about dating again, because i would like to have a bigger family, maybe have more kids, and I am approaching 41. I also do not approve of having intimate relationship with someone who is not committed. I have had enough pain in my life to allow it happen again, and it wouldn't be fair for my son.
I love how you say that as if choosing not to date is a uniquely fascinating and unusual phenomenon... which is exactly how it feels (and probably how it is to some extent). I often feel like I don't fit in with my married friends because they're always talking about their husbands, but I feel like I fit less with my single friends who are dating. I have way more important things to do than date right now too. I can't even imagine where I'd find the spare time, but I know that even if my schedule opened up, I'd rather fill it with something other than dating.
I have made the choice not to date while raising my kids. No relationships, no more. I was single for 3 years, from the time I was 5 months pregnant with my first child to when he was 2 and a half.. I made the choice because the relationship with my first son's dad was just so horrible. Then I reunited with someone I'd known for 12 years and we got together and he turned out to be extremely emotionally abusive, he wore me down so much and not only did he hurt me but he hurt my son. I've decided to never put us at risk for that again. My son was depressed through it. It was the hardest thing I've ever seen. I will never put him in that situation again. Now I am 9 months pregnant with a baby with the abusive man. We split up when I was 2 months. I was stupid, and I can't quite get over it but I love my children and I do not want them to get hurt like that ever again.
My father died of cancer when I was a preschooler. I also have a sister who is about a decade older than I am from a previous relationship of
our Mother's, though he was uninvolved in her life, and my father adopted her when my parents were married (after something like 8 years of being together).
My mother was adamant that my father was the love of her life, and that the part of her that needed a partner, died when he did. She never dated. My father was cannonized and my mom put everything she had into me (my sister was a teen and left for college a couple of years after he died). My mother did a good job raising me, she is a loving parent, but I think that her life would have better if it had not been solely devOted to me. Dont get me wrong, she had friends, hobbies, a work life she enjoyed (most of the time!) But I could always see a loneliness in her that she could never shake. And even though she never said or even implied that I should, I felt a need to fill that void for her. I was always worried about loving her enough, because I knew that I was all she really had. And when I got older and started Pulling away, as teens do to find their own sense of self, I was wracked with guilt when I would do something that made her upset with me. I think more guilt than was nessecary for doing "kid things." Our relationship was really strained for a few years when I was a young adult, because I had to get out from under all that guilt I made for myself but at the same time I felt terrible for leaving her all alone.
Relationships with men were difficult for me too. My mother raised me to be strong and an independent thinker, so it's not that I got into a ton of abusive relationships, but I had no model. I didn't understand the give and take of relationships. I had always been the sole focus of my mother's life, and I suppose that I expected my way to be the only way in my other relationships too. I also grew up with stories of the sun and the moon setting in my dad, and I tended to fall in love a little too easily and too hard. I think it would have been good for me to understand that it was okay to not expect "a love of my life."
I'm sure that had our communication about relationships been more honest, or heck- more existent, that I could have avoided some of the latter issues. And I am in no way saying that you need to go out and get yourself partner for the sake of your kids. I think making yourself okay after losing someone you love, or leaving an unhealthy relationship, is completely understandable. And I'm sure that can take a long long time for some. It certainly Is wonderful too, to focus on your kids, especially if your focus has been strained by difficulties in other relationships. But we can't be the best parent for our kids unless we focus on us too. I knew that I was everything to my mom, and it was a hard burden to bear, even though she never Expected me to bear it. I just thought I should. I loved my mom and wanted her to be happy. Our kids ultimately our their own, and they have to be free to be that. I didn't feel free to pull away gently into my own person, as it seemed others did at that age. But it had to happen, so it did, all at once and was a shock to both of us.
I really don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings, or minimize them. I guess my hope in sharing all this is that you leave your heart open to the possible. It would have been nice for my mom to find someone she could share her life with, I still wish she would have not shut that part of herself down. I don't think she was any happier for it. And I don't think my dad would have wanted that.
I have not read the other replies but i have a to do list when it comes to my own personal interests that is extremely long. First on the list, would be to continue my spiritual learning. (no actually, to have a massage, possibly a haircut) Maybe somewhere about 5 or 6, would be actual dating. Sex would come a few more after dating. Maybe 9 or 10.
My to do list as far as parenting is concerned, is also very long, and there's alot on there i haven't got to yet. When i have competed the parenting to do list, and then the first few on the 'my personal' to do list, then i will get to the dating.
I have my whole life for 'dating' what ever that entails (going to a nice restaurant? getting to know someone over a glass of wine?), and have done plenty in the past, the same for sex.
I like my family how it is now, and i dont have time or energy for another person in it.
This is a long way of saying, right now, couldnt care less about dating.....
But I could always see a loneliness in her that she could never shake. And even though she never said or even implied that I should, I felt a need to fill that void for her. I was always worried about loving her enough, because I knew that I was all she really had. And when I got older and started Pulling away, as teens do to find their own sense of self, I was wracked with guilt when I would do something that made her upset with me. I think more guilt than was nessecary for doing "kid things." Our relationship was really strained for a few years when I was a young adult, because I had to get out from under all that guilt I made for myself but at the same time I felt terrible for leaving her all alone.
I wonder what gave you the impression that she was lonely? Perhaps she was, perhaps you were projecting? I give all of myself to my 3 kids, but our household is far from a lonely one (impossible with 3 kids) I think when they get older, i might start dating if i have the inclination.
People often project onto me that it is so hard to be single mother, poor me, i must be so lonely. But i dont feel that way, i feel blessed, i chose this. I feel luckier than people who are married, because i feel they have to put up with alot. That is why i wondered if part of your observation was projection. On the other hand, perhaps it wasnt.
I think its hard for any mother to endure their child pulling away. It is part of nature. bit painful nonetheless. Im sure my own mother feels it though she is happily married and had 5 kids. Its a big deal to give all of yourself (or most, in the case of partnered women) and then to have to let it all go.