Lying sneaky nine year old

[mariamaroo]

So… I need some ideas here mamas! My daughter turned 9 last week. She takes ballet once a week. She says she doesn't like it and never wants to go, but I am requiring her to finish the current session because she committed to it, having taken ballet before, having many conversations about it before she registered and because I paid for the whole session.

Last week she hid her leotard under the seat of the car to get out of going and lied about it, a LOT of times, pretended to look for it, and listened to me go on and on about how sure I was that I had put it in the bag, I couldn't understand where it had gone, etc etc. I finally found it tonight.

I have no idea what to do about this. She's having a birthday sleepover tonight so I'm not confronting her with it until tomorrow, so I have time to get your collective wisdom about how to deal with this. Natural consequences, I don't know what they would be. I can't think of anything to do that makes sense and will communicate the seriousness of deliberately lying and keeping the lie going over the course of hours and even DAYS.

I'm freaking out because is this sociopathic?? What do I do?

[pek64]

It certainly is frustrating when our children make choices that go against the values we're trying to instill. And the amount of time spent searching for something that your daughter hid could have been better spent. Been there. Aggravation City.

And then there is her side. I'm wondering why she doesn't want to go. From the outside, it appears that she had to go to pretty extreme lengths to get you to hear her objections to the class.

You want her to finish. Understood.
If she were my child, my decision would be based on the answers to the following questions.

How many weeks remain that have been paid for?
What are her reasons for not wanting to go?
Are either of you able to come up with other ways that she can address her concerns while completing the paid for lessons?

Sometimes, something unexpected happens and we, as adults, may need to walk away from an investment. I would have to know that her concerns are not equally valid before trying to enforce attendance. I suggest you talk to her about the lessons and really listen to her feelings. We all feel better when our feelings are understood.

[mariamaroo]

I should clarify that once she gets into class she enjoys it and comes out in a good mood, and even admits that it's "a little bit fun", and this is a girl who does not to admit that anything is fun! I agree with you that it's a pretty extreme length to go to just to avoid a dance class… she has a therapist who is fully supportive of insisting that she finish up her session (which goes until a couple of weeks before Christmas).

[pek64]

That doesn't fit with hiding the leotard. I would talk with her and listen to her feelings. It couldn't hurt to understand her motives.

[One_Girl]

I don't think it is sociopathic behavior to lie about hiding leotards so you don't have to do ballet then to keep up the lie so you don't have to hear about how wrong it was to hide them in the first place. I suggest buying a few more pairs and keeping them in your drawer or in the car so she doesn't miss ballet just because her outfit went missing. I would buy cheap for the replacement though. You might also check with the instructor to see if you can send her in loose fitting clothes if it happens again if buying another leotard isn't doable.

Beyond that though you really should ask her why she doesn't want to go. Maybe the kids this year aren't nice, maybe her body is starting to change a bit and getting in the leotard is embarrassing for her at this developmental stage, or maybe she is in a ballet rut. My dd has done swimming for years but occasionally hits a rut so I let her pick two sessions to just miss and it is her call when she can miss them. After she misses hee two she has to attend unless she is contagious though.

[LLQ1011]

I agree tell her she can have two free misses to use. Also I got breasts around 9 and was mortified. Maybe this could be her issue tin tight clothes.
 

[rubidoux]

Originally Posted by mariamaroo 

I'm freaking out because is this sociopathic?? What do I do?

Didn't we all do this sort of thing as kids?    Obviously I didn't do this exact thing, but it doesn't seem too out of the ordinary for me, thinking back on how I was at that age.  

I also would try to figure out what's going on with ballet, though.  My nine year old does karate twice a week and he LOVES it when he's there and always feels good after he's done.  But I kind of have to drag him kicking and screaming because he's always really tired by that time of day.  I pick him up from school and let him lay around for an hour and then he just can't stand the idea of moving.  I think in our case, it is worth pushing him to go because he is getting a lot of good stuff out of it and seems not to have grasped (at all) the idea that sometimes you have to do stuff that hurts a little to get good results in life.  So, it may just be this sort of thing with your dd, but I would want to make sure that she's not having some real issue at ballet. 

I don't know what I'd do in terms of "consequences".  I don't punish my kids at all.  But I do think that since she has lied to you, you're probably worrying about whether or not you'll be able to trust her, and maybe you could just explain that to her.  That may be plenty in terms of consequences.  

[zebra15]

Your DD is screaming that she does NOT want to go to ballet.  While she may appear to be having fun after she gets there, she's not having fun.  Hiding the gymsuit is about as loud of a cry as you can get at 9 yrs old.  This child does not want to go to class.  It doesn't matter how much you paid for this session.  Its not about the follow through or commitment, she's been verbally telling you she doesn't want to go, she doesn't like it and now shes taken to hiding the uniform.

This is not a battle worth having.  Find another activity.

This is not a discipline issue,  this is about listening to your DD and hearing what she is saying.   (I also don't agree with the therapist on this one)

[lab]

I would let her stop.

My kids are 15, 17 and 18.  I let them quit sports and activities when they were younger. All the time!  I let them skip practice a lot too.   If they didn't feel like going...they didn't go.

It turned out okay.  Nobody is lazy.  None of them refuse to go to school.  They aren't quitters.  As a matter of fact, my oldest is a Division I athlete running cross country in college.   He runs about 75 - 80 miles a week. My other two are in high school and participate daily in a school sponsored sport.  Year round.  

I guess my point is that if you are worried about her not sticking with something, that doesn't have to be the case.  Or if you are worried that you are sending a message that you are condoning quitting, she won't get that message.  I feel like the message she will get is that she can trust mom.  

This is just a small slice of her life.  I feel like as long as are consistent as a whole - you're all good.

[mamazee]

I'd look past the behavior and at the reason for the behavior. It isn't sociopathic to try to get out of going to a class you don't like. She must dislike ballet more than you're aware of to go to those lengths. I'd talk to her about ballet and find out why she doesn't want to go. How many more classes are there? I personally wouldn't force a kid to continue going to a class they'd shown that level of discomfort about. It might be she likes ballet but feels uncomfortable in that leotard or something. It could be her changing body. It could be a kid at the class, or the teacher. It could be that there is something about the class you can fix so she'd want to keep going, but to keep communication open I'd talk about it from that viewpoint (wow you really didn't want to go to ballet class) rather than focusing on the hid leotard. If you go in immediately about her hiding the leotard and lying about it, she might never tell you the reason.

[mnj77]

One time I paid $80 for a class, and it turned out to be not what I expected and I didn't connect with the other people.  I told my husband I felt like I should keep going because I spent the money, and he said, "I think it's worth $80 not to have to spend an hour every week feeling uncomfortable."  Now, I don't think his logic was perfect, but I felt so heard and loved when he said that! 

It's not going to inconvenience anyone if she quits (like if she were on a team or something) and the money's already spent, so why not make her life a little less difficult?  Rather than confronting her, I would just say "I found your leotard.  I'm sorry I didn't listen to you when you said you didn't want to do it."  Then, maybe you can set up some free trial classes of things she might like better, and use the rest of what would be the ballet session exploring other things she might like without making a big commitment.

[LynnS6]

How much more of the class is there? How much money would that cost? Is there a way she can earn that money to "pay back" the cost of the course?

Why does her therapist think it's good for her to finish out? If this is a manifestation of something like social anxiety and she's working on getting used to being slightly uncomfortable in a group setting, I could see where it might have value. If it's simply a case of not letting her "win" a power struggle, I would see if there's a third option (like having her pay back the cost) that might work for both of you.

I have to say that my dh is pretty hard core on finishing up things that the kids have signed up for and it irritates me. He doesn't even want them to skip a week. It bothers me because sometimes the kids just need a break.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by mnj77 

One time I paid $80 for a class, and it turned out to be not what I expected and I didn't connect with the other people.  I told my husband I felt like I should keep going because I spent the money, and he said, "I think it's worth $80 not to have to spend an hour every week feeling uncomfortable."  Now, I don't think his logic was perfect, but I felt so heard and loved when he said that! 

I love this :)