Feeling low today!

[Crystal Delapaz]

 My husband hates when I talk about this, but I feel like I have to get it out. So, I'm 31 years old and I have been tring to get pregnant since I was 18. It has been an emotional roller coaster, I never thought that it would ever be this hard for a woman to get pregnant. I got married when I was 18 and we immediately tried to get pregnant, month after month when it didn't work our relationship spriled out of control. I don't think he thought it would be so hard, and I believed he blamed me from the beginning and started to look for someone else after 3years of marriage. I lost him before I was able to fit our problem. I went to every doctor I could go to and all they said was that I was young and I was ok to just be patient. I never had a infertility doctor really do his job when I was younger, but I knew there was something wrong with me. I just knew my body and it wasn't working the way it was suppose to work. My husband left me for a girl he met on the internet while we were still together, he got her pregnant after a month of being with her and named the baby the name we were going to use. Do you know how low a person can feel, how uncomfortable a person can feel in their own skin? I wanted to die and I didn't care about anything anymore. I met my boyfriend a couple of months later. Already from the begining the relationship was bad because all I could think about was my husband and that beautiful baby that was suppose to mine. I hated my boyfriend, and I believe he hated me. To make a long story short I was physically abused for three years and I didn't care. I felt like I deserved every hit every horrible word he gave to me, because what he didn't know was I hated me more then he could ever hate me. I didn't feel like a women I didn't feel like I deserved to be anything but somebody's punching bag so I took it. Now, mine you I wasn't on any type of protection from getting pregnant so if it happened it just happened. Well, it didn't.....I was finally sick of the abuse after three years and left. I met an amazing man awhile later and I decided to put all I could in him. I didn't tell him about the infertiltiy right away, but after awhile when we got serious I figured maybe I should. He had a beautiful one year old and I got to spend a lot of time with him so after I told him about my infertility I thought he would run. He didn't, after three years of dating we got married and we are still together. I've been to different fertility clinics and come to find out I have endometriosis and IVF is the only way to get pregnant. Now, if these doctors would have told me this when I was younger I would have prepared myself and saved my money for this. I can't blame the doctors but I just feel like I should have gotten more help, but they didn't all because I was young in thier eyes. Well, we did get pregnant on our own in 2009 but ended in an ectopic. I was devastated because I was sure I couldn't get pregnant at all on my own, so I lost my baby and my right tube. I have been on lupron for six months, and now we are currently tring to figure out how to come up with the money for IVF. I'm 31 now I just don't see any hope at all, I don't feel like a woman I feel so low. There are times when I just think of different ways to commit suicide. I don't know what else to do but to sit here and write this and maybe get my story out there and be hope for somebody else. I just don't know what else to do... I'm so lost. All I ever wanted was to become a mother, that's it and now my dream has just become a night mare.

[Yuba_River]

I am so sorry to hear of your struggles. What a journey you've had. I hope that you have support and can reach out to others around you. 31 is still a great age for having babies--not too old at all. I will think good thoughts for you finding a way to afford IVF soon.


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[Crystal Delapaz]

Thank you.

[here we are]

Hey girl, i just wanna say that you do bring hope to me by reaching out. It takes serious strength. Its so hard every day to go thru all these hard things. I also am dealing with endometrios so I can relate a little . It messes with my head sometimes..i dont want to depress you , or myself. I really hope things are good with your husband, you deserve it. Its so hard to feel vulnerable! Sounds like you might be feeling greif in one of its many forms. Thats something i am getting familiar with, greif. Over what has happened, over what might happen, might not happen, its ALL so important, its our lives. I try not to worry, but its definetly taken time to get to this place of being able to look outside myself and say to myself, stop thinking that, because i dont want to feel bad, and in the end i still dont have answers. Sometimes the anger comes back, the feeling stuck.. Why does it have to be this way? I get so exhausted.