My husband hates when I talk about this, but I feel like I have to get it out. So, I'm 31 years old and I have been tring to get pregnant since I was 18. It has been an emotional roller coaster, I never thought that it would ever be this hard for a woman to get pregnant. I got married when I was 18 and we immediately tried to get pregnant, month after month when it didn't work our relationship spriled out of control. I don't think he thought it would be so hard, and I believed he blamed me from the beginning and started to look for someone else after 3years of marriage. I lost him before I was able to fit our problem. I went to every doctor I could go to and all they said was that I was young and I was ok to just be patient. I never had a infertility doctor really do his job when I was younger, but I knew there was something wrong with me. I just knew my body and it wasn't working the way it was suppose to work. My husband left me for a girl he met on the internet while we were still together, he got her pregnant after a month of being with her and named the baby the name we were going to use. Do you know how low a person can feel, how uncomfortable a person can feel in their own skin? I wanted to die and I didn't care about anything anymore. I met my boyfriend a couple of months later. Already from the begining the relationship was bad because all I could think about was my husband and that beautiful baby that was suppose to mine. I hated my boyfriend, and I believe he hated me. To make a long story short I was physically abused for three years and I didn't care. I felt like I deserved every hit every horrible word he gave to me, because what he didn't know was I hated me more then he could ever hate me. I didn't feel like a women I didn't feel like I deserved to be anything but somebody's punching bag so I took it. Now, mine you I wasn't on any type of protection from getting pregnant so if it happened it just happened. Well, it didn't.....I was finally sick of the abuse after three years and left. I met an amazing man awhile later and I decided to put all I could in him. I didn't tell him about the infertiltiy right away, but after awhile when we got serious I figured maybe I should. He had a beautiful one year old and I got to spend a lot of time with him so after I told him about my infertility I thought he would run. He didn't, after three years of dating we got married and we are still together. I've been to different fertility clinics and come to find out I have endometriosis and IVF is the only way to get pregnant. Now, if these doctors would have told me this when I was younger I would have prepared myself and saved my money for this. I can't blame the doctors but I just feel like I should have gotten more help, but they didn't all because I was young in thier eyes. Well, we did get pregnant on our own in 2009 but ended in an ectopic. I was devastated because I was sure I couldn't get pregnant at all on my own, so I lost my baby and my right tube. I have been on lupron for six months, and now we are currently tring to figure out how to come up with the money for IVF. I'm 31 now I just don't see any hope at all, I don't feel like a woman I feel so low. There are times when I just think of different ways to commit suicide. I don't know what else to do but to sit here and write this and maybe get my story out there and be hope for somebody else. I just don't know what else to do... I'm so lost. All I ever wanted was to become a mother, that's it and now my dream has just become a night mare.
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10/6/12 at 7:59pm