I hope this is okay to post here....
I recently had an ectopic pregnancy and I'm terrified of TTC again. It's not that I'm fearful of miscarriage or difficult medical procedures, I'm afraid of dying and leaving behind the son I already have. I almost feel like trying to get pregnant again is irresponsible to my son, after what happened.
That might sound a little dramatic, but I really did come a little too close to death after the ectopic rupture. It's quite a story but basically it ruptured and I was at home for far too long before making it too the ER.
The Story: I ended up in the ER on a Monday with ovary area pain, vomiting, vaginal bleeding, and almost passing out. I found out that I was 5 weeks pregnant (we were trying, and even charting, but I had what seemed like a normal period so I thought we were out for that cycle), and we learned that the pregnancy was probably ectopic, and I was admitted to the hospital in case of a rupture. The pain died down, I was released the next day, I had blood tests and ultrasounds every 48 hours. On Friday, we decided that a corpus luteum cyst is what ruptured earlier and that I would need the shot of methotrexate to terminate the ectopic. An hour after I got the shot I starting throwing up and having some aches/pressure in the ovary area. I talked to the on-call OB and he seemed to think that it was just from the shot and that the pain level I was describing was not a rupture, so I stayed home. Well, he was wrong. The shot wasn't supposed to cause pain in that area for several days and my pain never did reach the level that they said it would, even that it actually had ruptured. By the time I made it to the hospital, it was bad. I couldn't hold my head up, couldn't stand without blacking out, my BP was 65/30-something, my whole body was shaking, and I had a good 1/2 liter of internal bleeding. I had an emergency surgery and my left fallopian tube was removed.
That was 1 week ago. I've been resting at home and everything is going to be alright. As I'm laying around watching shows on Hulu and staying up to date with facebook, I catch myself thinking that I can't possibly imagine trying to get pregnant again after that experience. I can only imagine adopting, because I know I want more children, but adopting out of fear of death just doesn't seem right either. I realize that not very much time has passed and that feelings will probably change. I feel like this is different that fearing a miscarriage, even though that is certainly horribly sad.....I never expected to feel like this. I'm just afraid of dying, mostly because I'm afraid of leaving my son without a mom.
I'm just wondering if anyone else has felt the same or been through something similar on their TTC journey and how you overcame it.