Scared to TTC after ectopic

[GuavaGirl]

I hope this is okay to post here....

I recently had an ectopic pregnancy and I'm terrified of TTC again.  It's not that I'm fearful of miscarriage or difficult medical procedures, I'm afraid of dying and leaving behind the son I already have.  I almost feel like trying to get pregnant again is irresponsible to my son, after what happened.  

That might sound a little dramatic, but I really did come a little too close to death after the ectopic rupture.  It's quite a story but basically it ruptured and I was at home for far too long before making it too the ER.  

The Story:  I ended up in the ER on a Monday with ovary area pain, vomiting, vaginal bleeding, and almost passing out.  I found out that I was 5 weeks pregnant (we were trying, and even charting, but I had what seemed like a normal period so I thought we were out for that cycle), and we learned that the pregnancy was probably ectopic, and I was admitted to the hospital in case of a rupture.  The pain died down, I was released the next day, I had blood tests and ultrasounds every 48 hours.  On Friday, we decided that a corpus luteum cyst is what ruptured earlier and that I would need the shot of methotrexate to terminate the ectopic.  An hour after I got the shot I starting throwing up and having some aches/pressure in the ovary area.  I talked to the on-call OB and he seemed to think that it was just from the shot and that the pain level I was describing was not a rupture, so I stayed home.  Well, he was wrong.  The shot wasn't supposed to cause pain in that area for several days and my pain never did reach the level that they said it would, even that it actually had ruptured.  By the time I made it to the hospital, it was bad.  I couldn't hold my head up, couldn't stand without blacking out, my BP was 65/30-something, my whole body was shaking, and I had a good 1/2 liter of internal bleeding.  I had an emergency surgery and my left fallopian tube was removed.  

That was 1 week ago.  I've been resting at home and everything is going to be alright.  As I'm laying around watching shows on Hulu and staying up to date with facebook, I catch myself thinking that I can't possibly imagine trying to get pregnant again after that experience. I can only imagine adopting, because I know I want more children, but adopting out of fear of death just doesn't seem right either.  I realize that not very much time has passed and that feelings will probably change.  I feel like this is different that fearing a miscarriage, even though that is certainly horribly sad.....I never expected to feel like this.  I'm just afraid of dying, mostly because I'm afraid of leaving my son without a mom.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has felt the same or been through something similar on their TTC journey and how you overcame it.

Thank you.

[Lovenest]

Wow, what an ordeal you went through! I am so so sorry and I am sorry for your loss. That must have been very scary. I have never gone through anything like that, but I wanted to reply. I think with time you will heal and you will not be scared.. or so scared you do not want to TTC. What I would do if I was in your situation is find a midwife or OB that you trust and talk about your concerns in a month or two. I think with a good and trusted midwife/OB you will feel much more at ease. 

Huge hugs to you. 

[Cheeriomom]

I replied to another thread of yours as well. I too had an ectopic that partially ruptured and had to have emergency surgery for it. The dr. repaired my tube but it ended up becoming completely blocked d/t scaring. I also have a dominant ovary on the bad side so I have been unable to conceive for almost a year. Anyway, as far as being scared to get pregnant again, that is completely understandable. However, if you had an ectopic unrelated to infection or other diseases then your chances of having it happen again shouldn't be high.  You don't have a tube with scaring that could possible trap an egg and you also know the signs and symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy. If you are aware of the signs and symptoms of an ectopic you can catch it early enough. I remember the pain of my ectopic all too well and I could tell you that if it were to happen again, I would be able to dx myself way before the dr and get myself taken care of before going into hypovolemic shock. I'm not saying don't be scared, I'm just saying that most people wait too long to go in to the dr. when they experience something like this because they do not know what to look for. You will be ahead of the game if something like this ever happened again. Anyway, keep your head up and hang in there. 

[LitMama]

Hi GuavaGirl, I'm so sorry you had to go through this ((( hugs ))). I too had an ectopic earlier this year, in which I almost died, lost most of the blood in my body, and had to have an emergency surgery to remove the pregnancy (even after I had had two shots of methotrexate a week prior). So I know exactly what you're talking about, and I too felt the fear of conceiving again and going through something similar again, or worse. But I'm here to tell you that it gets better. Give your body, mind and spirit time to heal. You'll know when and if it's time to try again. For us, it took a few months, and then we truly felt ready to try again. For me the fear was eventually eased out and replaced by the excitement of anticipating a new pregnancy. As the other poster said, you are far more likely to conceive an intrauterine pregnancy next time, and you also know what to watch for now (and you could do early blood and ultrasound monitoring next time, if that helps ease your mind). For now, focus on taking good care of yourself, you've been through a lot!
 

[porcelina]

I also had an ectopic pregnancy. However, in my case, it was detected early, and treated immediately. How far along we're you when it ruptured? Was it less than 6 weeks? Usually rupture is after 6 weeks, though we all know how pregnancy dating can sometimes be off.

Anyway, in my case, I had requested an early ultrasound, as I had had a previous early miscarriage. My doctor said she could not fit me in (despite my persistence and insistence), so I started calling every doctor on my insurance company's plan until I found someone who would. I saw her at 6 weeks exactly, which is when she discovered a baby with a heartbeat on my ovary. They operated that afternoon. It was not an easy experience, and I totally get being freaked out, which is how I came across this thread in the first place. But, I did go on to have 2 healthy children, plus an intrauterine pregnancy that ended in miscarriage. Each time, the protocol was clear--very close monitoring of HCG as soon as pregnant, and then, as soon as hCG reaches 1500-2000, ultrasound. The they can determine if the pregnancy is in the uterus. They take it very seriously, and know what they are looking for. So, while it is normal to be scared it could repeat, even if it did, you would know about it sooner and take action sooner.

What I don't understand from your story is why did they wait so long to do methotrexate? Why did they knowingly leave you with an ectopic pregnancy untreated? That is just baffling.

[dakipode]

Hey GuavaGirl (love your username, by the way)

I just had an unscheduled surgery on Monday to deal with an ectopic pregnancy. I've been doing quite a bit of research since getting home and I get the impression that once you've had an ectopic your physician will pretty much insist that you are monitored closely in early pregnancy, i.e. bloodwork and ultrasounds as soon as you have a missed period. If he/she doesn't offer it I would insist on it since I would worry about being unlucky again.

I'm with porcelina though: if they suspected it was ectopic why didn't they act sooner? My doc told me it's classic to have on and off pain and that usually means it's already ruptured and bleeding.

I know our situations are different and everyone copes in their own way. Right now where I stand is that I do trust my doc. I felt like he always acted in my best interest and gave me the information I needed to feel comfortable (as much as that is possible with an urgent medical matter) with how the situation and the treatment was progressing. Maybe your hesitance stems from the fact that the medical system let you down and you ended up in a very serious situation when they could have acted sooner.

Hugs to you.