step daughter having trouble with grief

[seacatnp]

My almost 13 year old step daughter's mother died in August from severe anorexia and mismanaged diabetes.  She's in therapy and is able to talk about some feelings but is still having a lot of trouble expressing anything other than something like "happiness" at home.  I have a lot of concerns about this.  i'm a psychotherapist and am trying to work with her every few days, or so, on tuning in to what she's feeling inside herself.  this isn't usually very fruitful.  I've bought her an excellent guided journal - to help teens talk about the loss of someone very special to them.  she doesn't like to do this, won't do it unless prompted, and then doesn't want to share what she's written - though we've seen it and it's always a very white washed, positive version of her mother and what happened.  when i simply ask how she feels, she says "sad" but is smiling or doesn't seem sad.  rarely - maybe 5 times since her moms death - she's cried, for about a minute or two.  

I know part of it is that she'd really been losing her mom for a long time - emotionally never had her. she lived with her though, every other week until about a 1.5 yrs ago.  her mom had been in and out of in-pt and residential treatment for the past year.  then she fell into a coma and life support was removed.    

I also know that this is just how she is.  she's never shown many emotions, especially painful ones.  her dad is also not good at this, and needless to say, her mom was even worse.  both parents have taught her to show the happy emotions and not much else.  and mom had no ability to respond to my sd's emotions.  i'm trying to teach dad and get him to take the lead.  around the time of the death, he cried openly many times in front of her.  that seemed to help, but now that she's died and the crisis is past, he's back to business as usual and all of my attempts to get a daily moment of rememberence have fallen by the wayside, when left up to him to initiate.  and she really follows his lead, not mine.  

i'm worried that this will all build up and she'll end up a mess later on.  but sometimes i start to believe what her mask looks like - she's fine.  she's just taking her mother's death in stride.  but that seems crazy - it was her mother!  even though never her primary attachment, still her mother.

any ideas you have about how to help her through this are much appreciated.  her therapist doesn't seem to be able to address how shut down she is, emotionally, at home.  they're doing brainspotting and this seems helpful in being able to access some feelings.  

and lastly, as a very secondary, but sill important, issue...  her birthday is on Wednesday and she has said that all she wants is to get a second piercing (just above her first one, in her ear).  I don't think this is appropriate.  I do not want it for my daughter (who is 11 and already wants this too).  i feel that they are perfect the way they are and if they want to do things like that it can happen when they're 18.  it feels really not ok to me.  but my husband thinks it's fine,  "what's the big deal - it's not a lip or eyebrow"?  i don't think it's fair to the girls to let one of them do it and not the other.  my husband and i (who've been married for 4 years, together for 5), generally, each, have the last say on parenting when it comes to our own, bio-daughter, but in this case i think we must come to an agreement.  

Thank you so much.

concerned Mama 

[DrLauraMarkham]

What a good stepmom you are.  I hear your worry, and I share your concern. Since you're a psychotherapist, you know what I will say -- Your stepdaughter is almost certainly harboring a lot of grief, both from her mother's death and from the more pervasive loss of her mother.  I think your journal idea is great, and I don't think she needs to share what she's written. But I suspect that she doesn't want to go anywhere near the journal, because it brings up such deep loss.

I think if she had had a great relationship with her mom and then lost her, she would be able to access the grief. But this grief is much older than her mother's death, and facing the death means facing the fact that her dreams of having her mother meet her needs will never come to life. Saying goodbye to that fantasy is more than she can bear.    

Since your daughter follows her dad's lead, can you talk with him more about this? Maybe for her he would be a bit more emotive.

I would not believe your step-daughter's mask. But it is important to point out that kids grieve differently than adults. They seem to do is in "pockets" rather than pervasively, and that seems essential to their ability to keep growing. So it is natural that she isn't sad most of the time. BUT it is still important that she be able to cry sometimes.

You might be surprised to hear me say this, but I would rent some teary movies with her. Getting her in touch with her heart is your goal, and once she does that the tears will flow. It doesn't even matter if she understands where the tears are coming from, and you don't even have to make the connection verbally. Just sob your hearts out together over the tear-jerker movie. Share the kleenex to make it safer for her. If you do this once a month, you'll be bonding and helping her heal by releasing some of that grief.

And that leads me to my other big suggestion. Your stepdaughter needs a mom.  True, she will never have what she needed from her birth mom. But a "corrective" experience with you could be so healing for her.  If you can do the hard work of mothering a child who is not your birth child and doesn't see you as her mother, you can transform her life.

I apologize that I did not see this letter and answer it before Wednesday. I don't know what you decided about the piercing. I personally hate them. I told my kids no piercings or tattoos until age 18 and then I made sure to educate them about all the reasons not to do them.  (My 21 year old son says he will never get a tattoo or piercing. My 17 year old daughter can't wait to get the same piercing your stepdaughter wants now. So all I did was stave off the inevitable, but there is less chance of infection now because she is older.)  So I disagree with your husband.  But of course, that is a very individual preference.  And of course each of you has the final say for your own bio-daughter, and you can't necessarily convince him.  I just don't think you need to make the same decision for your daughter, even if that makes her angry.  Your kids are old enough to understand that in a blended family the bio parent has final say for that child. 

Finally, I wonder if you have considered trying to interest her in a mindfulness practice. It might be exactly what she needs for healing. She would probably need to do it with you, although there might be a meditation group at her school. I would suggest beginning by listening to guided meditations. Tara Brach's meditations are free online (I love them) and there are many others out there, of course. Meditation increases our awareness of our emotions, so often people who are very defended find that meditation helps them feel more deeply.  As the Buddha said, meditation increases the friendliness we feel toward ourselves. I think of that as unconditional love. And there is nothing quite as healing.