who is THIS child?

[meemee]

dd has always been a v. intense child. she has mostly been upset.

now the key emotion is anger.

and my sweet well mannered child disappears sometimes.

replaced by this angry child saying inappropriate things.

i dont know how to help her with this. she CANNOT be calling people names. or swearing at them. i know her hormones are high. i know - really BELIEVE she is trying - but its still coming out of her mouth in public. 

is punishment the answer. that is the technique i am using now (due to lack of ideas) - but its fear based and i am not sure if it is that helpful to her. she has never been grounded before but she is accepting it. 

she wants to stop but doesnt know how. i know she doesnt want to say those things, but she needs an appropriate way to respond right away. 

the point is she IS asking for help. and i find i am not sure how to help.

i am so lost. 

[One_Girl]

When my dd is mostly angry I typically do a self check to see what I am doing to create a stressful situation. Sometimes I am not dealing well with my stress, not spending enough one on one time with her (or spending too much and not giving her space she needs to branch out), sometimes I am putting too much pressure on her and she is having a hard time living up to that, and once in a while she is having a bad day. Typically our interactions are the biggest factor on her mood and realizing that then changing always helps even if there are also things going on at school that ate dragging her down.

My dd is generally happy not upset as you state your dd is in your post so I don't know if that helps any. I noticed that you have posted a few times about your dd's negative moods. It might be a good idea to seek some outside intervention from a counselor who specializes in working with preteens and teens if this is an ongoing worry.

[meemee]

dd has hit puberty big time. without bleeding yet. but emotionally yes. 

the thing is her negativity is nothing really out of hand that she needs therapy. what she needs are other kids around her telling her life isnt as bad as she thinks it is.

she has a lot of adult support too.

what is hard is she is looking at me for answers. its a new phase of parenting and i am trying to grow and learn with this phase. the stage before has been v. intutive for me. this stage not so. i really dont think i have the skills to be the parent of a teen or preteen or getting there prepreteen. for instance dd asked me to change her grounding. she says she doesnt really care if i allow her candy or not. take away computer from her for a month (just school research and homework use) and that will be more of a meaningful grounding for her. i didnt even ask, she TOLD me this. 

yet really i dont want to ground her. that is SO not the answer.

yeah One_Girl i am trying to find the balance of my time with her. i know that plays a big part there. not as big a part as it used to, but its still important. reason why i have after all these years gone back to reading to her at night. 

dd IS generally happy. but when her bad times hit, they go from 0 to 1000 times worse in 10 seconds. they come down SLOWLY at first and then speed up. 

[Linda on the move]

  This is a rough phase.

One thing to try (though it will take time) is to see if she can learn to pinpoint what is happening right before she really losses it. Once in melt down/ freak out mode, it's hard to stop. But if she can learn to recognize the signs that she is headed that way, she could implement better coping skills, even saying how she feels rather than freaking out about it.

You seem like you would already be good at this, but I found upping my game in "non violent communication" was helpful for my DDs at this point. They needed to feel really, really heard.
 

[meemee]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

One thing to try (though it will take time) is to see if she can learn to pinpoint what is happening right before she really losses it. Once in melt down/ freak out mode, it's hard to stop. But if she can learn to recognize the signs that she is headed that way, she could implement better coping skills, even saying how she feels rather than freaking out about it.

 duh! you'd think i'd get it by now. but this didnt even strike me. Yeah - you are SO right. this is a good direction to take. even though that time is very short i think that time is the most important. 

You seem like you would already be good at this, but I found upping my game in "non violent communication" was helpful for my DDs at this point. They needed to feel really, really heard.

YES!!!! Great suggestion. It was NVC that saved my butt when she went thru this close to 6. I dont know how i would have managed without NVC.

gosh it really strikes me i need to do NVC on myself too. seems like my buttons are being pushed too. and i am reacting rather than acting. 

i think its time for me to read Louise Bates Ames' Your ten to fourteen year old. 

[Holland73]

It's important to remember the anger is a secondary emotion, meaning anger is the emotional reaction when a primary emotion (what we feel first) is triggered.  We almost always feel something else (hurt, scared, humiliated, rejected) before we get angry.  So, you might want to explore with her what is the feeling(s) that is triggering her anger and help her work with those primary feelings because those are the vulnerable feelings she is trying to protect herself from with her anger.  

I use mindfulness a lot with my teen clients, both during individual and group sessions, particularly with my high school "anger management" groups.        
 

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by meemee 

seems like my buttons are being pushed too. and i am reacting rather than acting. 

I had to really shift my thinking about parenting at about this age. Before, I figured if my kids were basically happy, then I must be doing a decent job. But they both went through this period when they were seriously not happy for a very long time, and it really didn't have anything to do with me.

The other thing I had to shift in my own thinking is that I was empathetic with them to the point of jumping into their emotions with them, so when they were upset/angry/sad I got all worked up too. I learned the hard way that this wasn't helpful to them at all. They needed me to stay grounded in my own center, and yet still be present with them. 

It was a big transition for me as a mom.

BTW, these storms do eventually pass.

[meemee]

thank you thank you all. between you guys and the Louise Bates book i am at peace. this is just a phase. reminds me so much of dd at 5 1/2. so typical.

it is SUCH a relief to know this storm too shall pass.

and to realise just coz she is this way now doesnt mean she will be this way for the rest of her life. 

i had a v. insightful conversation over the phone with her last evening. holland you are so right. dd brought up the emotion underneath - why she got angry. we talked about other times and right on - she either felt not heard, hurt, or just plain unfair. 

gosh when i read the louise Bates book i realised dd totally fit into the 11 year old mode. it gave me so much insight of their behaviour - how they are - and dd fits into all those pieces.

the book and One_GIrl made me realise i was focusing on dd's bad points. i really was. as much as she has her struggling side, she has her sweet wonderful side too. 

i really have to revisit NVC myself and work on some mindfulness exercises with dd. 

so deeply grateful to all of you for helping me out on critical points at this stage of parenting. 

Linda yes yes YES!!! I need to stay grounded myself. sometimes i can and connect with dd's friends and help them all get another perspective and thus all remain friends. i really think they do appreciate that i give them all a chance to talk. 

dd and i agreed punishment and groundings are not going to work for her. she doesnt really care and really what's the point of it. so she can eat as much candy as she wants and go online as much as she wants. but all she wants to do now is read and hang out with her friends. 

certainly taught me a lesson on punishment for sure. 

[meemee]

just an FYI

i borrowed this book from the library for dd. http://www.amazon.com/How-Raise-Your-Parents-Survival/dp/0811856968

dd has thoroughly enjoyed this book. she had a lot of fun doing  the questionaire to figure out what kind of parent i was and she seems to be at peace with who i am. she had to 'create' me as i did not fit into their categories.

i have been watching her diet very closely AND making sure she gets enough rest. all still critical points. and its been amazing the effect on her behaviour. so much so that she herself is realizing how much down time and diet affects her so she has not been protesting me asking her to do something she doesnt really want to do.