Big Fight with My Sister

[marsupial-mom]

How do you forgive and forget without getting an apology?

The way I see it, the only way my sister and I are going to "make up" is if I just say "sorry" and try to move on, even though I feel like I deserve the apology.

Edited by marsupial-mom - 10/7/12 at 10:42am

[AmyM]

"I am sorry that we had a fight. I really want to make things better between us. Can we talk?"

It's all true. You ARE feeling sorry about the fight and you DO want things to be better. You don't have to say to it was all your fault, especially when it wasn't.

Good luck with this. I hope it all works out for you both.

[marsupial-mom]

First I wrote a really long post that explained this big fight but I realized that I shared too much detail and so I changed it to the above. This is biggest, worst fight we've ever been in. We haven't talked for 2 weeks. She won't reply to my texts or calls at all. And I worry if I go over there and try to suck it up and be nice that I'll just explode and we'll get into another argument about it. I'm not even sure if it's worth repairing this relationship. It's THAT bad.

[AmyM]

Time is probably the best solution if it's that bad. If you have tried to reach out and she hasn't responded, give her more time. Please don't give up on the relationship no matter how hurt you are now. And please remember, you have every right to be upset. Take good care of yourself and hopefully, it will all work out. My fingers are crossed for you.

[Christine08]

My sister and I haven't talked for over two years. Over the years, there have been times when we've been close and others where we haven't. She has been volatile in the past and has other issues. She said some things that both me and my husband should have an apology for. I don't think we'll ever get it. So, I understand what you mean about forgiving and forgetting without an apology. I've decided that I am open again to communicating with her, but I will have much stronger boundaries in place. This makes me feel safer and I think allows me to forgive without the risk of getting hurt again (and she hurt our entire family really bad). I recently gave her a gift and card for her new baby, but so far have heard nothing from her (I don't necessarily expect to). I'd really like to move beyond all of it so much.

It's really awkward, especially with our parents.  

[Emaye]

Fights like these are awful because it affects the entire family group when two people stop speaking to each other.  Getting together becomes difficult and awkward.  I have had to bite the dust and just make peace but resolve to keep myself shielded from emotional closeness that will open me up to getting hurt.  This way, the sibling and I could casually chat and have fun (the way I would with acquaintances) but we are not close at all.  This seems to work for the rest of the family as well.

I am no longer invested in that relationship and as time goes by, the wounds recede further into the memory vault and negative feelings continue to get greatly reduced.  For all intents and purposes we have become polite, interested strangers in each others lives.  We are happy to communicate one to one (only when necessary) and when we get together because of family events, it is mostly all fun and games (and whatever little lingering yuckyness is within me and for me to work through).  This is a really good place to be, you know?

[Adaline'sMama]

Can you write a letter or an email explaining that you love her, she is your sister, and you'd like for the two of you to work this out? Maybe that would open the door for a bit more amicable communication.

[pek64]

I agree with what someone else said about this bothering you less over time. She may not be spending the same amount of time worrying about it. My advice is to let it go, and go about your life as usual. She will either understand or not. It's pretty much out of your control if she's not responding to you. Let her sulk, brood, whatever. You can be open to signs that she's ready to talk, but that's about it, for now. Send her a message in a month, saying "hope all's well with you", and see if she responds then. Meantime, enjoy your time with your family (husband and children). Don't let this problem with your sister hurt those closer to you.

[marsupial-mom]

Well, we still haven't talked to each other in person but she did finally respond to a text I sent her where I told her I still care about her and her son. She said she felt the same way.

I've talked a lot about this fight with my husband and my therapist and I've decided I don't want to repair this relationship. My sister is really very selfish (at least when it comes to me) and doesn't respect me or my boundaries at all. It's healthier to just move on. So that's what I'm going to do. We're literally going to move. Just a few miles away to a neighborhood we prefer.

This is really what we should have done long ago. But we chose to move into the same neighborhood as my sister so we could help her out with her son. I gave so much of my time and energy to him but in one short moment she destroyed not only the relationship between her and I but also the relationship between her son and I.

I'm sad about our sons losing the close connections with their aunts. But I am excited to be starting a new chapter of my life in a neighborhood I really love. There are better schools, more parks, better paths, better shopping, more children's events... it's going to great.

[pek64]

Invite your nephew to visit or join an outing, if your sister permits that.

[marsupial-mom]

Originally Posted by pek64 

Invite your nephew to visit or join an outing, if your sister permits that.

I can't do that. She won't allow it. Furthermore, I'm not comfortable around him alone anymore. I don't trust him.

I do think eventually things will blow over enough that we may be able to have weekly family dinners or similar. We just won't do anything more than that.

[Emaye]

Originally Posted by marsupial-mom 

Well, we still haven't talked to each other in person but she did finally respond to a text I sent her where I told her I still care about her and her son. She said she felt the same way.

I've talked a lot about this fight with my husband and my therapist and I've decided I don't want to repair this relationship. My sister is really very selfish (at least when it comes to me) and doesn't respect me or my boundaries at all. It's healthier to just move on. So that's what I'm going to do. We're literally going to move. Just a few miles away to a neighborhood we prefer.

This is really what we should have done long ago. But we chose to move into the same neighborhood as my sister so we could help her out with her son. I gave so much of my time and energy to him but in one short moment she destroyed not only the relationship between her and I but also the relationship between her son and I.

I'm sad about our sons losing the close connections with their aunts. But I am excited to be starting a new chapter of my life in a neighborhood I really love. There are better schools, more parks, better paths, better shopping, more children's events... it's going to great.

I am sorry to hear that it did not work out.  I understand from my own personal journey how painful it is to come to this decision.    

[Adaline'sMama]

I cut off all communication with my mom a couple of years ago, and it's hard. I know you arent cutting all ties, but not repairing the relationship is going to be really hard. Sometimes it's what we have to do in order to protect ourselves and our families from toxic people.