MW appointment and my big hang-ups « Back to Group Discussions

[Melany]

I've been moody and not quite myself. Anything, lately, seems to set me off crying. Stupid hormones. I'm pretty sure that didn't HELP my reaction to my appointment.

 

The MW had her assistant MW intern there and this was the first time I met her. She was nice, but really pushy, and I don't think she meant to be pushy, she was just excited to be the one leading the appointment and all gun-ho. She took the notes, measured me and asked all the questions. For some background, I really have a problem with doctors. This is one of the reasons I selected a MW now that we've moved too far to use my previous OB. She had me lay down and just lifted my shirt without asking, which really felt violating, starting feeling around on my belly without warning and just kept talking. My OB would always ask me to lift/lower shirt and then would tell me what he was going to do. It always set me at ease and this just set me off. After we heard the heartbeat, I got to sit up and ask questions, but I was so thrown (I'm a VERY private person) I forgot to ask my questions. Then, I get in the car to drive the hour home and start crying. I hate being moody. I never got to ask her about the lumps in my breast which have changed since I brought them up with the OB, and I think it was in the back of my mind that this stranger would be groping my breasts. Maybe I didn't bring them up on purpose. I never got to bring up the nightmares I've started having involving my daughter's birth, which I really wanted to discuss with the MW, not her assistant. I'm sure I will start to feel more comfortable with her, but blah. And, I am not happy with the hormone driven logic that is not my normal mental state, lately.

 

I come from a family of engineers and doctors. You either pass out at the sight of blood (raises hand) or you go into the medical field. My brother is an OB/GYN (talk about awkward phone conversations during my last pregnancy which was right when he had just picked his specialty and had LOTS of questions for me). My sister is a nurse practitioner who does research on infectious diseases. Myself and my baby sister are both engineers who turn green when our other siblings start to talk shop. Anyway, my point is, I don't like doctors. I had heart surgery as an infant and as a child I had to go in to have EKGs to check that I was growing and everything was still ok. When you went in they would just undress you and put you naked on a table to hook up the electrodes. At some point in your childhood, that's not ok and you're still a child with no voice to ask that someone doesn't strip you down without asking, but you're uncovered, for all to see and you have to lay there quietly, naked while no one seems to care how uncomfortable you are. So here I am as a grown woman, with a woman I don't know uncovering my body and I was suddenly the helpless child with no voice. I had literally not thought of the EKGs for years and suddenly she's lifting me shirt and I felt exposed and out of control. Part of the reason I chose a natural birth in the past and then a home birth this time was to remove that side of the medical field from the birth.

 

I'm not sure why I'm posting this, maybe I'm trying to figure out what really upset me about a perfectly fine appointment. I do plan to give feedback to the MW in training on her bedside manner at my next appointment. I think she needs to hear it and I need to get it off my chest or I'm going to never feel comfortable with her in the room.

[spughy]

I think it's pretty clear what upset you - you explained it really well - you just need to write it up again and send it to your midwife.  Honestly, I personally would EXPECT that sort of treatment at a MW appointment, I think it's sort of normal although a perfunctory "I'm going to lift your shirt" or something wouldn't be amiss.  But it didn't sound that out of line.

Your midwife NEEDS to know about this as it will definitely affect both your relationship with her, and her assistant, and your birth.  I am 100% sure they would WANT you to be comfortable and they will welcome the feedback.  Don't hesitate, just tell them about your issues and they will make sure that future exams will be by your permission for *everything*. 
 

[scruffy too]

It sounds like maybe she was so gun-ho that she forgot her bed-side manner - maybe she was nervous.  I bet that after you talk to her, it'll be smooth sailing from then on.

[Melany]

Thanks. I feel like I'm neurotic or something. 

I actually started this post in the weekly thread and it just poured out. Then I re-read what I wrote and decided I didn't need to take the thread to a negative place and deleted. But, writing it out was a release or a way to understand why I was so upset for the last few days (the appointment was on Friday). I swear I'm sane...

I think I'll plan to write it down for my next MW appointment, it does help to organize my crazy thoughts, but I will tell her in person. 

[spughy]

Originally Posted by Melany 

Thanks. I feel like I'm neurotic or something. 

Sometimes neuroses are perfectly reasonable.  This sounds like one of those times.  There's no need to apologize for it.  Human brains being what they are... and would you really WANT to be the sort of person who could go through a lot of trauma (or conversely, a lot of joy) without being affected? I don't think so.  Own it. You're the patient, the client - it's their job to accommodate you, not vice versa. (I mean, within reason.  It's not like your neurosis requires that THEY get naked when you do or anything.)  You're just needing more control over what happens in that office.  It's not like it's a really difficult request.

[firespiritmelody]

Would you consider sending an email or calling the MW soon instead of waiting for your next apt? If I were on the other side of this situation, hearing feed back a month from now, it wold be really hard to remember the apt and what happened. If it's fresh in her mind, she'll be better able to asses her actions and make adjustments now.

[Linnaea]

 I can relate to your problem with doctors and anyone in that field who is not considerate of proper boundaries and etiquette, which that intern definitely sounds like she needs to learn a lesson or two.  I'm also a very private person when it comes to my body, I don't like being touched by strangers unless it's truly necessary, like if I absolutely NEED to see a doctor (which is rare).  I'm not even a fan of midwives, unless I find one that is truly "hands-off", which most are not.  I had a UC last time and probably will this time, as well.  I'm not saying that's the route you should go, too, just sharing my own experience.  I've always felt a bit extreme compared to the general population when it comes to my body and how private I am, but I have my reasons (bad experience with doctors when I was a teenager due to an eating disorder plus being sexually abused as a child).  All that said, I would definitely feel violated and disrespected if a medical professional did that to me, no matter if I had just met them or I've known them for a long time.  She should have asked first, I don't care how excited she was to be the one in charge, that's just not acceptable.  I would bring this up with your main midwife as soon as possible and stress how violating it felt so she fully understands what you experienced.  I know it can be difficult to express how you feel, but if you want to feel comfortable having this midwife and possibly the intern at your birth (maybe you can request that she not be there?) then you need to speak up.  If you keep it bottled up or downplay it then your resentment, distrust and other painful feelings will only get worse.  Also, if it felt violating to you then that's enough to bring it up because we all have our own tolerance levels for things of this nature.  It doesn't really serve any purpose to compare yourself to how others would react since it's your body, your baby, your birth--you need to make sure you get the care and respect that is right for you.

[chocolatechip]

I think I disagree with spughy that that kind of brusque behavior is necessarily normal and expected. I feel like my midwives are always very respectful. They always ask, "shall we check in on baby now?" or something similar, which means they'll be listening for the heartbeat and measuring my uterus. I think they usually wait for me to lift my own shirt, and they always touch their hands to my arm first, to show me how cold/warm their hands are, and ask if it will be okay. So I never feel rushed with any of it.

That said, I'm a pretty open person who grew up with fairly hippie-ish parents, so *my* comfort levels are pretty easy going. spughy and everyone else are absolutely right that part of your relationship with your care providers is getting what *you*, specifically, need. Since you would feel better if you felt more in control over what was happening when, that is totally valid, and I would imagine they'll respond to it fine. They want you to feel comfortable, too! And it might be good for you to talk with them about some of the reasons for it, since who knows what will happen during the birth, and they might need to move quickly to keep things safe. So establishing a good connection now, and letting them know where you're coming from, I'm sure will help in the long run.

Good luck, and hugs if you want 'em. 

[Melany]

Thanks.

I do think I would rather address this in person than over email. So, I'll bring it up at the next check-up.

[CalmCenter]

I would totally support you sharing with your midwife about anything you feel. It is so important to create the atmosphere that supports you as the birthing mom, not just for the midwife to get done what she wants to. 

Also opening up your vulnerabilities is really opening up your power. And being in your power place for birth is so important. 

I can completely relate to your experience. I can have very strong emotional reactions to events and later the other person had no idea or seems clueless; but really it is a gift to the mw assistant to sharpen her sensitivity and to slow down and realize her most important job is to connect with you and to support your process. 

Thanks for sharing.