Why do I want another child when I am already overwhelmed?

[allisonrose]

I had two sons: 4 years old and 20 months old. Some days I want to have another - and soon. Other days, I am just in over my head with the two that I have. Going places and running errands with two little ones is hard! My oldest is eligible to start kindergarten next fall because he was born one week ahead of the cut off date so we plan to consider whether waiting might be best for him. He do another year of preschool which will likely be 3 or 4 half days.

My husband is not a hands on dad which pisses me off routinely and - let's face it - he's probably never going to change. He tells me that in his culture all he is expected to do is provide financially for us but I am supposedly to do all the child rearing which is not same as the way I was raised. He doesn't help with cloth diapers and avoiding doing diaper changes at all. He doesn't really try to soothe our babies but would always talk about how they were so used to nursing that they wanted nothing to do with him. Our pediatrician recommended no more than an hour of screen time for our 4 y/o and he got incredibly defensive and started saying that her kids are probably angels while ours are such a handful. Turning the tv for the kids is the only way he knows how to parent.

Is it some sort of biological thing to continue the species to yearn for another baby? I feel like my family is incomplete yet I don't know how I could manage three....

Am I alone in this?

[KaiM]

It sounds like there is a bigger issue than just your desire for another baby.

You don't feel like there is fairness or equality in your relationship. This is a slippery slope because if there is resentment now, that would only build with the addition of another child. If your husband feels culturally that he is to be a provider only and you feel differently this would probably be the time to consider some counseling to help one another communicate more clearly. You have to understand where he is coming from just as much as he needs to be able to understand where you are at. That is where a third person party can help.

Is he uncomfortable alone with the kids, is there an anxiety he has not voiced to you? Its hard but we have to seek first to understand before forming an opinion. that colors our perception and how we as women react to things as an ant hill or mount Everest. 

I would suggest reading Love and Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerichs. As women we want love but don't really know what completely makes us happy. Men want respect but do not understand the language women show respect and love in. The 5 love languages is essential too. From the sounds of it touch is not how your husband shows love and could be leading to your frustration with him not being very hands on. Men have different ways of showing and interpreting love- words of affirmation, gift giving etc.

In my humble opinion this might help you work through the frustrations as a couple to where adding another to your family would not be a stressor but something happy to build on from day to day.

Good luck!

k

[LoveChild421]

You are not alone!  I feel the same way, I would LOVE a third (my rowdy boys are 7 and 4), but more often than not I feel overwhelmed.  I am the financial provider in our family and although dp has become more hands on as they have gotten older and he feels like they are fun to play with and take places, I still do most of the childcare.  I think it is very much a biological thing, my body is healthy and I'm still in my 20s, if I lived in an extended family situation like humans did in the past, and I had a grandmother or aunt to help me cook, clean, deal with the kids, etc.  I would definitely have another.  I think it puts too much pressure on both parents when we are just leaning on each other for help at home.  

[allisonrose]

I guess it is about time that I update this thread. I am very surprisingly pregnant with #3: we DTD on CD8 without protection and I suspect I ovulated early and *surprise*. So that answers the question of whether I will have another baby.

[yoma2468]

Congratulations! I can definitely relate to your situation. I have six and would love more. DH is the financial provider for our household and I volunteer daily at my kids private school. I think the desire for more children is just natural, it's nothing to be ashamed of even though our society doesn't agree. As far as being overwhelmed, I think that comes with anything you do for an extended period of time and don't take a break from, even if it's five minutes or a hot shower. Have a happy & healthy nine months!!!